ow.

I had a anxiety attack during my english class, again. I tried to leave but then I had to walk outside and it was dark and that made me freeze, just totally panic.

Meanwhile my T had called me, because I called her before the class when I was having trouble even getting out of my car to go inside. So she called me back and she tried to talk me down, I remember her telling me to breathe. I don't remember much else. But I made it to my car and then I was SURE I had hung up on her and I felt really really bad, so I called her back. Again. And left a message, and at the end I was crying (again) and said I know you don't want to call me back so you don't have to, but I want you to.

She did call me, about 3 minutes later. She said "zoo, I need to keep this short. I don't have anything left to give tonight. My battery is at zero. I know you're hurting and you're scared, and I understand that, and I have confidence in your ability to take care of yourself. I care you about you, I care about you a great deal, but I just don't have anything left to give right now."

And of course I cried all the way through that. when she was done I said "Ok....can you call me tomorrow or something?" and she said yes, she will call me tomorrow.

So, I'm trying to hold onto the part where she said she cares about me. She's never said that before. She's shown it a hundred ways, but it is good to hear it sometimes. I'm trying to hold onto the fact that she said she'd call me tomorrow.

I'm trying NOT to hear "you are too much for me, I can't handle you, I don't have anything left to give YOU." I'm trying not to feel abandoned and rejected. It is SOOOO easy for me to take those messages out of the most benign statements. And I'm so incredibly triggered and emotionally vulnerable right now. I'm trying so hard to feel okay.

Help?

((((((((((zoo))))))))) She didn't say that YOU were too much for her. She said her battery was at zero. That has nothing to do with you, hun. Maybe something terrible happened in her family, or she is feeling ill and has no energy. Focus on the knowledge that she said she cares about you a lot. My T, who is also a DBT T, has told me before when I called her that she couldn't talk right now, that she had nothing right now. I found out later it was because her dog was very ill. (She is a very caring person, even towards her animals.)

So rest in the memory of her words...that She. Cares. About. You. That is all you need to know. I wish you peace tonight and rest. Try to get some sleep. Give your brain a rest.

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

I agree with Lauru. It isn't about you. It about her not having any energy left. You did not wear her out. She had already reached the end of her energy. She cares about you! You will be okay! Sleep helps so much. Take care of yourself and get some sleep tonight.

oh god. I started reading Linehan's book again. I am so caught up in this, I can't think about anything else, I can't keep waiting to not hurt, I am in a bad place I haven't been for a long time. Reading Linehan's book (about DBT, for therapists, not clients) is never, ever a good thing for me. When I start reading it I know I am caught up in the intensity of the therapeutic relationship. I am just trying to wait it out (the feeling, knowing it will change). But my god, waiting it out is the hardest thing in the world right now. Too hard.

aww, zoo - i am sure you know how she feels - sometimes you can come and read things on the boards and you have the energy and the spirit to answer peoples posts and sometimes it is hard to even read them - not that you dont want to offer support to others, but sometimes we are so worn down with our troubles or the way the day went that we just dont have it to give.

sounds like she was truly sorry that she was too low or tired to help you today - but she cares enough about you and is concerned enough about you that she needed to make that contact with you. if you were too much for her to handle she could have just left you hanging - but she called you back - even with her battery at zero, she called you to let you know she understands where you are, she believes in you and she cares about you -

i am sorry you are sitting with such difficult feelings and emotions right now, zoo - and i have seen posts from you in the past where you used your dbt skills to help get you thru these tough times - can you use some of the emotional regulation or distraction techniques or even some mindfulness to help?

sending peaceful energy and strength your way tonight

((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

T was being honest with you are her own situation. That is actually modeling good behavior because I have a feeling that even when you are emotionally drained, you keep giving and giving to others.

Sometimes a person needs to say to the world "I love you. I want to help you. But right now I need to help me. I have to take a break so I can recharge. When I am rested, then I will have more ability to give you what you deserve - the best I have."

Big hugs to you!

Wrote out a big response and lost it. Argh!

I know that self-care is HUGE for my T. There are (lots of) times when he needs to pull back, be with his family, do his own thing, recharge his batteries. He says that good self-care is what allows him to be able to really be *there* for his clients when they need him.

I love that she was so honest with you. That shows a lot of trust in you, and in your ability to understand where she's at. I bet she couldn't say that to just anyone.

Sometimes in session, when i get overwhelmed, T will say "you can handle this". And I think "no I can't", but I *do*. And then when I'm at home and I get overwhelmed, I remember T saying, "you can handle this, you can tolerate it", and I remember that I did it in session, and I can make it through. And really, that's a gift, you know?

I wish she could have been there when you needed her. You are NOT too much for T, or for us. Let yourself not be too much for YOU. You are doing an amazing job.

to you

(((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

Yeah, ouch. But, in a way, it's kind of good that you know she will be honest with you. Because in the future you don't have to worry if you're wearing down on her -- she'll tell you if you are!

Hope she calls very soon.

Oh, AND. I just wanted to say NICE JOB going to class!!!!!!! I know you had said before you weren't sure if you were going to go. Sorry you had an anxiety attack in the middle but at least you went. Well done.

sorry about the class struggles...when i struggled with depression, i was made of fun by my class for being late all the time but, no one TRULY understood what I was going through...but, I hope you and your T find closure soon...after the vacation.
sending hugs your way ---JAZZY

T called me this afternoon. I was so relieved, because even though I was trying to distract myself and not worry about it, part of me was really worried she would forget to call and then I would have to deal with all the emotions that would bring up in me.

So, she called. She asked how I am, and if I was having a better day than yesterday. She apologized for not having anything left to give last night. She said she was concerned about me and wanted to help me but just didn't have anything left.

I told her that I understood that, and that it reminds me of how I am with my kids. When my battery is at zero like that, and my kids ask things of me that I'm not able to give, it doesn't mean I don't care about them. T seemed really relieved that I was thinking about it that way, I have a feeling she thought she may have created a rupture.

I also told her that it would have been really easy for me to think she was saying she didn't have anything left to give ME, that she couldn't handle ME, and that I stopped and thought about it and realized it didn't have anything to do with me. I said, "thank you, I need reminders every now and then that everything isn't about me"

She said "wow, good job challenging your thinking about that! And no, it had nothing to do with you. I just didn't have anything left last night. When I got home my dog wanted me to pet him and I couldn't even do that." I know her dog is a really big part of her life, so that told me just how worn out she was.

So we talked about self-care for a little while, how it's so important to keep things in balance because when one thing gets out of whack everything else can kind of just fall apart. She said one way she's doing self care is to "pull a zooropa, and cancel my appts for Friday and just chill out at home for the day." That made me laugh. I hope she thinks of me every time she decides to cancel her day and just stay home.

She told me to have a good weekend, and keep breathing, and call her if I want to OR need to.

It just felt really, really good.

this is amazing, tree. Thank you so much for that. I'm going to think about that. It feels really big.

whoa, that's so awesome! even more special that she put you in the same category as her dog - something that's super special and important to her!! that's great, hope you're able to ride the good feelings all weekend - even read your post again if you need a reminder

I'm so glad T called you back and that it was such a rewarding exchange. You done good!

I wrote this email to T just now. I haven't sent it. I cried the whole time I was writing it.

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

That is a great email. I'm glad you wrote it and I hope that you are able to talk to her about it during your next session. These are important things to know how they are going to work.

I sent it

Aww, zoo....such hard stuff. I hope you decide to send the email, and I hope your T helps give you what you need....

I know it feels scary, but putting it out there, confronting it and addressing it can help you get to a better place with it all.

As my T has said to me many times, "holding back feelings, suppressing it, ignoring it, etc. - is not working for you"....

((( HUGS )))

YOU DID IT. Zoo. Awesome!!!

zoo, let us know as soon as you hear back, okay?

Zoo,
I really liked your email to your t. Thanks for sharing it with us. You were so articulate with your words and I could just feel your pain as I read it. I hope that she writes back to you and her letter is gentle and kind. I hope it will bring you a little tiny bit of reassurance about this whole process that you are going through right now.

One thing that my t shared with me. He is DBT t too. Is that just like a toddler there is always a big amount of dysregulation before learning or growing into something new. I think about those terrible 2's. He said it was like learning to walk as a baby. You stand and wobble, you fall down, you cry and get scared. It is a very trying time but eventually the child will (with loving help from parents) learn to walk sure and steady.

Even when I myself am in those moments I say to myself, "Yah but I am comfortable here right now, I like my t to be here and do this regulating for me. I don't want to change it." I always am glad in the long run that I did toddle and learn to walk. It gives me a sense of competence.

Remember your t won't take away caring for you or loving on you when you take your next step. Things may be a little different but you can rest assure she will still be there.

(((Zoo))) your letter to your T was beautiful, honest, and full of emotion.

Great work and I'm happy you sent that letter to T. Keep us updated on how things work out. Thanks for sharing and being an example on how we can face our fears.

hi zoo,

i have three questions for you:

1) did you hear back from your therapist yet?

2) can you continue to work with her, even though you're "supposed" to stop at some point? (in other words, can the "rules" be changed to suit your needs?)

3) can you think about s l o w l y transitioning to another therapist, someone you could see indifinitely?

i know the third question is a hard one, and probably not something you want to think about at all, but it's something that came to mind when reading your letter..

(((((zoo)))))

I thought your email was excellent. I could feel your pain when reading it. I hope T responds in a way that satisfies you, and that she does it in a timely manner. Thanks for sharing it with us.

I haven't heard back yet. T did say she was taking a personal day today, and I imagine that could include not reading or responding to email. I hope I hear from her over the weekend. So far the waiting isn't making me too spiraley, but it could. Either way, I see her first thing Monday. I am planning on printing out my email and bringing it with me so I can remember what it says and hopefully we can talk about it.

As for your second question, 78, I don't really know. I think that was what I was asking in my email. At least, that's what I meant to ask.

And yes, I have thought about seeing another T. It is small consolation, because from here it is hard to imagine trusting another T the way I trust this one. But I do comfort myself a little with the idea that there ARE other Ts out there, and there is the possibility of me finding one that doesn't have some sort of rigid termination deadline in mind.

thank you all so much for your support. I feel you waiting for Ts reply along with me, and it helps. This is really scary, but it feels better to be facing the fear rather than hiding my face from it.

Lots of hugs.

still haven't heard back from T. I'm trying to tell myself it's because it's the weekend, and not because her response is going to be so devastating to me that she wants to tell me in person.

edited to add: I sent her another email, just asking her to let me know that she got the previous one. I also said I'm trying really hard to not watch my inbox for her reply