[jexa]

I have been doing everything right, everything I ever learned in T about self-care. I have been riding my bike every day a LOT and I have been taking my vitamins and I have been eating and I have been taking care of myself. I have been doing the mindfulness thing on my bike. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I even talked with my friend who was mad at me and she's not mad anymore, this time for real. But I feel OFF.

I have a lot more energy since I've been exercising. But the depression is going in the opposite direction, there is no balance... I feel weird and jumpy and nervous. Like when I talk to people I am like, overly animated, but it's like a sick kind of nervous energy where I am almost jumping out of my skin with like, inappropriate.. excitement? It's so weird. Today I could not put my thoughts together at work. I did the worst assessments in my life today, could not stay still or think straight. My tic things are really bad, I've spent my whole evening saying "I'm sorry" over and over and over and I don't even know what I'm saying that for. And saying other things too, like.. "don't kill me - don't kill me" and "I didn't mean to" but I seriously don't even know why I'm talking to myself and saying these things. And I keep thinking about the conversations I had today and how off I feel and whether everyone noticed. The things I say I only say to myself when no one is around. But my brain just feels crooked and I don't feel well. I feel like the pieces of my brain are scattered everywhere and there is some kind of malfunction.

Anyway I came here because I am really freaked out and I wish I knew what to do

(((((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know that when I am pushing away feelings, I can get more and more and more wound up and confused and kind of not-in-this-world. Even if I am going through the motions of eating, exercising, etc...if I'm not slowing down and letting myself be WITH myself, I get into kind of a scary, crazy place. I was there earlier this week, and it WAS really scary. I felt like I was heading for some kind of breakdown.

All I know is my own experience, so it may not be helpful at all...but I know that I needed to let myself SLOW DOWN enough to be able to check in with myself and feel what I needed to feel. I was lucky that it all kind of came to a head on a T day, and I have the luxury of an established safe place with T. I know not having that right now must be making this extra hard

I have klonopin that I can take to bring myself back down a bit when I get really spiraled out like that. Do you have anything like that?

I'm sorry, jexa. It sounds hard, and scary. I so wish I could somehow reach right into the computer and help.

[Perna]

Have you talked to your doctor about the vitamins and other things you are taking? There are lots of healthy things which can cause symptoms like you describe from caffeine to combinations of foods or supplements.

[jexa]

I have only one xanax left. I don't have a prescription. It is from a friend -- I plan to get a script when I get health insurance. But I don't want to take my very last one.

I am going to a friend's house tonight so that will be a break from this. I definitely have not slowed down at all in a while - I recently submitted all my grad school applications (mailed the last one today) and that combined with crazy work stress and family stress is really... I am scared to slow down just yet, I'm scared I will lose my mind.

Something just occurred to me which is that at work today some grad students were talking about PTSD and their experiences treating people with it. It might be what is happening right now, maybe I got triggered from that, maybe I am having some kind of weird reliving experience... I know that at the moment while they were talking I just wanted to RUN or throw up or hide. And now I have that feeling like I've done a terrible thing, like I'm really BAD and I don't know why and I'm totally freaking out. My brain's a mess, my day is a blur, ahhh I don't want to think about this anyMORE.

[jexa]

I don't go to doctors. No way. Too scared.

Doctors think they have the right to you. They think they can tell you what to do and your body is just a thing and they don't even see me and they close the door and they ask you to submit to pain and violation and it's really terrifying.

[WePow]

(((((Jexa))))) Sending tons and tons of safe hugs for you! You are doing right by trying to keep doing what you know is healthy.

[WikidPissah]

(((Jexa))) you lost your T, you aren't in a safe place with new T yet, and you can only go to T every other week. That's a big freakin load right there! It's good that you are doing all this self care stuff...really good....but your life has been set off kilter, and it's only natural for you to feel it. One woman can only handle so much, even if she is an incredibly strong and caring woman such as yourself!

Please be as kind to the inside parts as you are being to the outer physical parts.

[googley]

Congrats on getting the apps in. That is such a wonderful thing. Take a break and treat yourself to something. You deserve it. That is such a big thing.

I'm so sorry you are triggered right now. Can you do something to relax? I'm glad you are going to a friend's house.

(((((((((Jexa))))))))))

[zooropa]

((((((jexa)))))))

I wish I knew how to help, what I could say that would make you feel better. I would definitely have been triggered by hearing people in that position (or any, really) talk about PTSD. I am not ashamed of having PTSD, but I have found that when I tell people that usually leads to questions that I don't want to answer, and it opens up pandora's box again.

You really ARE doing everything right, just keep doing it, keep taking care of you, ok?

[jexa]

Trying guys. Went to the friend's house and felt very nervous at first but ended up being able to relax enough to engage in conversations, etc. As I was leaving my mom called and I picked up. We ended up talking and I started telling her about grad school stuff and all that. I don't normally really talk to my mom.. so at first she listens, but then at some point she interrupts me and says, "Well I have to go, I can't listen to all this right now." Ugh, fine, I won't try to talk to you anymore MOTHER.

AND. I think I actually might be getting sick now top of all this. I have that.. sort of bad taste in my mouth, sort of sore throat, ache in my neck, pressure in my sinuses that comes just before sickness.. ughhhh I hope I don't get the flu.

On the bright side, maybe this means I can take a sick day tomorrow. I feel crappy enough now to probably justify it.

[Sannah]

You got a lot of good responses and it sounds like you narrowed down what triggered you (students talking about PTSD). I can understand the mother thing.........

[WePow]

(((((Jexa)))) the mother is toxic for you. Yuck.

Also, I am sorry you are feeling under the weather. Get well soon!

[jexa]

Thanks guys. My mom is not exactly toxic, she's really not, she's just really spacey and "not there." (I actually think she has some issues with dissociation - she has described that she has derealization experiences and she seems "checked out" sometimes.) It's just upsetting that I tried to engage with her and she just.. didn't even listen. Makes me feel even more alone.

Today I took the day off work. Something about that feels sooooo good. I have been needing a break from work for so long. I am not that sick but I have plenty of sick time saved up and I am TAKING it today. It is an incredible relief to think I don't have to go back to work until Monday next week. Isn't that sad though? I am more excited about having a break from work than I am about the holiday.

[WePow]

((((Jexa)))) great self care!!

[zooropa]

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, Jexa.

I'm sick, too, and actually went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I have a huge infection. I really think that explains at least part of why I have been so emotional and just not coping very well for the past week or so.

So, maybe that is the case with you, too, and once your body isn't fighting off illness you will find more emotional reserves are available to you? I hope so.

[darkrunner]

Yay for being off work!!

I feel the same way - more excited about the days off than the actual holiday. It's not sad, it's just where we are right now.
I really wish you had a different job, one that makes you happier.

Enjoy your time off, and keep being kind to yourself.

[jexa]

Went shopping today -- despite my discomfort with consumerist America, I needed new clothes and you can't beat the Black Friday deals. But still feeling really out of it since I haven't been sleeping much since I've been reading about the new TSA security procedures and can't stop imagining.. ugh.. awful scenarios.

zoo I don't know if it's because I'm sick. I'm feeling better right now physically but in general not too well emotionally. But maybe soon my new vitamins will kick in and everything will be alright.

Going on a bike ride in a second.. going to read a few short stories while I'm out, get a cup of tea, try to quiet my mind. Feeling unsteady, but trying to just ride with it I guess. It's hard not to constantly worry about the fact that I have to fly next year.. and these security procedures.. I feel violated already..