trying to get through the night

I told them I was really nervous because of my history. They offered to give me ativan in the IV when I couldn't stop shaking and crying. It helped, a little, but then when they were ready to the exam I couldn't keep my **** together. So they said they would give me something else, I don't even know what it was. Maybe versed or something, I don't know.

But really, all that did was make me really confused about what was going on and whether it was a flashback or real or whether it was now or then. Just really, really confusing and distressing.

I think if I had it to do over again I would not be sedated and just get through it. I was shaking and crying but I knew wtf was going on. After the meds hit, I was out of it and had no sense of control and then they had to hold my legs and that was way too triggery and just made the whole thing a million times worse.

AAAAAHH! Oh zoo! Yes, next time I think it would feel better to have some control over the situation rather than feeling out of control and not sure what was really going on! Sorry you had to go through this. I think you and I have very similar triggers because this sounds like.. oh my God.. the worst.. ever.. I am like in tears imagining this happening, I can really feel for you zoo.

thank you, Jexa. I don't think anybody else really understands how horrible this was for me, except my T. Obviously nobody would enjoy it, but yeah. It feels good to know somebody else has some idea of how bad this was. I cried when I talked to T about it, she knew exactly what was triggering about it for me and why, without me having to tell her. That's part of the value of having someone in your life who knows your story and can fathom the intensity of your experiences in the context of your life.

eta: just in the interest of background, when I went to my own doc earlier in the week I was having a similar reaction and so she decided not to the pelvic and just treated me for a suspected UTI. Which was a bad choice, looking back, obviously. In the end I had to have the exam anyway only I had to get sicker in the meantime, and then have it in the ER with a male doctor I have never met, and it echoed my real life experiences too closely for comfort. So in some ways I feel like it's my fault, that I should have let my doc do it back on Tues and avoided this whole thing.

When I talked to T last night she told me to remember that nothing happened to me yesterday that wasn't supposed to happen. I feel violated, and that's understandable, but in reality nothing happened yesterday that was wrong or bad. It was done by professionals and I needed it done in order to be treated for what's really going on. I keep reminding myself of that and holding onto that, and just focusing on taking care of myself and not thinking too much about anything.

zoo, just lots of hugs for you, and I hope you feel better soon.

(((((((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))))))))

I am SOOOOOOO sorry you had to go through that. Exams with my normal doctor that I "trust" are triggery enough for me, I can't imagine going through what you went through Ugh.

My T says the same things yours does to help me separate the present from the past - that the bad things aren't happening *now*, that the things that are happening now are things that are okay, etc. It does help, a little, if I can stay focused on that and let the scary thoughts pass by without grabbing onto them.

sweet zoo. I hope you're feeling better.

(((zoo))) so sorry this happened. I'm so glad you made it through though. How are you hanging in there today?

I'm okay. The pain pills are keeping my emotions numbed too. It feels kind of good to just float along...

I like how you put it in matter-of-fact terms, that the docs were professionals helping you, not hurting you. I'm glad the ER staff knew enough to give you meds to help you through the exam that you needed for a proper diagnosis. And I hope the antibiotics are killing off the invader so you can recover!

((((((zoo)))))))) Yes, like you said (and like I try to tell myself -- I'll get there one day!), the doctors are there for your healing -- it was all done professionally -- and their actions were to make things better, not to hurt. This was an act of self-care, deciding that you would allow the doctor to do the procedure. And you WERE in control -- your anxiety wasn't in control (because even though it was hard, you DID do this), AND the doctors weren't in control (you could have stopped it if that was the thing you truly decided to do -- but that wasn't your decision, you decided to face anxiety, accept sedatives, and allow the procedure). YOU were in control, zoo.

Jexa, I just wanted to really thank you for that. I felt like I wasn't in control, my T even said to me when I talked to her afterwards, you weren't in control. But you know...I guess I was. I have been thinking about that for the past 24 hours, ever since you posted. I know why I felt like I wasn't in control, and I know why my T said that, too. But I think she and I were both wrong. I might not have been AS in control during the time that I was sedated, but I made the choice to go there even though I really REALLY didn't want to. I made the choice to stay. I made the choice to change into the gown and talk to the doctor about my anxiety and about the drugs.

In that moment when I was sedated and so confused about what was going on, I wasn't in control, but what led me there was a series of wise mind decisions on my part. In that way it was wholly unlike my previous experience.

And...I'm here. I can talk about it. I can think about it. It's not a secret and it's not destroying my life. So, despite the similarities, it is so unlike what I went through before that it's almost not the same at all.