[whatlight]

My T whom I trusted deeply for several years (mostly in couples therapy) told me that I would never like myself enough to leave my husband. Does anyone else think that this is some sort of violation? Do you think he ever had any intention of helping me?
I'm glad I'm still in my marriage, despite it's pitfalls and struggles. My family is the most important thing to me, and I know that maybe I sacrifice myself too much sometimes, but in the big picture, it's what makes me happiest.

[Omers]

I would ask your T about what he ment when he said it... There are just way too many possible ways to interpret that to be able to guess with any reliability.

My guess is that Yes he does want and is trying to help you. Sometimes it is just hard to hear it in what is being said.

[Perna]

I agree with Omers, sounds like there's some sort of disconnect with what your therapist is thinking/trying to say and what you are. How do you want to be "helped" by therapy? It isn't good to hold on to something (marriage/family) if it is bad for you, personally, in the long run just because it is all you have known. There's lots of good things out there in the world that could be better than what you think you have.

[jexa]

Hm, yeah I agree with Omers on this. I don't understand why your T would say that but I would clarify to see what the intention was. Maybe he is confused, too, about your relationship with your husband and family? Explain to him what you've written here and maybe that will clear things up for both of you.

[ladyjrnlist]

Agreed. You better check with T to see what was meant. If that is what was meant, that's a WTF moment.

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by whatlight

My T whom I trusted deeply for several years (mostly in couples therapy) told me that I would never like myself enough to leave my husband. Does anyone else think that this is some sort of violation? Do you think he ever had any intention of helping me?
I'm glad I'm still in my marriage, despite it's pitfalls and struggles. My family is the most important thing to me, and I know that maybe I sacrifice myself too much sometimes, but in the big picture, it's what makes me happiest.

It feels really horrible when someone you trust comes out with something like that. Then you're stuck with it till you can bring it up again.
No-one eccept you should judge your marriage. People break up so easily these days. I did, and with what I know now, I regret it deeply. Altho, I didnt know then what I know now, so staying would have been difficult too.
You go with your heart. Its an odd comment, and I'd be hurt too, but until you find out....... ~~~ who knows?

(ps, like the name 'whatlight' ~ as in.... at the end of the tunnel?)

maybe your T meant it as in: don't wait to take some action until you feel you are ready since you may never really feel ready? kind of like: i'll clean my place when i'm in the mood, but of course i'll never be in the mood. i just need to start cleaning house. not knowing your situation that is just how i would interpret it but asking for further clarification is definitely best.

[with or without you]

I think it was a very poor choice of words, and you should definitely call him on it the next time you see him. After all, you are paying for this.

Maybe he could have said it this way: "Only when you learn to truly love yourself can you begin to move on" or something like that.

[whatlight]

Originally Posted by RiverX

It feels really horrible when someone you trust comes out with something like that. Then you're stuck with it till you can bring it up again.
No-one eccept you should judge your marriage. People break up so easily these days. I did, and with what I know now, I regret it deeply. Altho, I didnt know then what I know now, so staying would have been difficult too.
You go with your heart. Its an odd comment, and I'd be hurt too, but until you find out....... ~~~ who knows?

(ps, like the name 'whatlight' ~ as in.... at the end of the tunnel?)

Just stole the name from a Wilco song The song is about doing your own thing...

[whatlight]

Originally Posted by Omers

I would ask your T about what he ment when he said it... There are just way too many possible ways to interpret that to be able to guess with any reliability.

My guess is that Yes he does want and is trying to help you. Sometimes it is just hard to hear it in what is being said.

Well, it's been a year and a half since I've seen him. I suppose that would be something to get up the nerve to do. And stop my obsessing about it. He's still seeing my husband, and I must admit my husband has improved, become more tender and caring, less judgemental.

[whatlight]

Thanks everyone. You've given me much to think about and it helps not to be mulling this by myself.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by whatlight

Just stole the name from a Wilco song The song is about doing your own thing...

now that you said that, i totally have the song stuck in my head! Now i need to go listen to it

Originally Posted by whatlight

My T whom I trusted deeply for several years (mostly in couples therapy) told me that I would never like myself enough to leave my husband. Does anyone else think that this is some sort of violation? Do you think he ever had any intention of helping me?
I'm glad I'm still in my marriage, despite it's pitfalls and struggles. My family is the most important thing to me, and I know that maybe I sacrifice myself too much sometimes, but in the big picture, it's what makes me happiest.

ok, i see two things going on here. 1-why do you think he says that you would never like yourself to leave him?
1a: did you go into therapy with the intention of getting a divorce, or on the precipice of one?
1b: and if so, could you see that maybe what your T sees is a hurt person who is afraid to own themselfes, believe in themselfs 100%. If you were self-confident, and you went into this therapy with maybe the intention of getting a divorce, you would NEED that confidence to get through it all.
1c: Or you guys went in just to sort out some issues...did more stuff come up through that?

and 2: You said you sacrifice yourself too much...but in the big picture it akes you the happeist. What I worry about is what you are actually sacfricing for the "greater good." Are you sacrificing some parts of being you in order to make the happy family? Because I generally think it doesn't work out that way. The way children are happy is because their parents are happy people in and of themselves.

Now I know that I went off on a presumptious tangent, but I was trying to understand what happened here, because it seems to be an entire split between what the T said and what you think.

[ECHOES]

Did you stop seeing him because he said this?

I hear this as a statement about how a person would need to be able to advocate for themselves, be independent, and care deeply about themselves to be the person they want to be, and to have the life they want to have.

[whatlight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

now that you said that, i totally have the song stuck in my head! Now i need to go listen to it Saw Jeff Tweedy at the end of the summer! Awesome!!

ok, i see two things going on here. 1-why do you think he says that you would never like yourself to leave him?
1a: did you go into therapy with the intention of getting a divorce, or on the precipice of one?
1b: and if so, could you see that maybe what your T sees is a hurt person who is afraid to own themselfes, believe in themselfs 100%. If you were self-confident, and you went into this therapy with maybe the intention of getting a divorce, you would NEED that confidence to get through it all.
1c: Or you guys went in just to sort out some issues...did more stuff come up through that?
We just went in to deal with stuff. Maybe he said it just to be devil's advocate, I don't know. He once asked my husband how he would feel if I left him (and my husband replied, embarassed...hmmm) T also once said that I should have married a nurturer, like myself, instead of an intellectual. Too bad, he said.
He has this thing about compatibility, I gradually learned (because he started a dating service and marketed it as finding someone who shares your "true personal world view") I kinda feel like he had this rigid way of looking at us and if he thought we were incompatible from the get go, what was he trying (or lack thereof) to do for us?
I guess I didn't go in to find out how horrible things were. But maybe they were that horrible. Don't know. Another discussion.

and 2: You said you sacrifice yourself too much...but in the big picture it akes you the happeist. What I worry about is what you are actually sacfricing for the "greater good." Are you sacrificing some parts of being you in order to make the happy family? Because I generally think it doesn't work out that way. The way children are happy is because their parents are happy people in and of themselves.
You are right about that last statement. But I don't think leaving my marriage would make me happier. And can't I achieve both? Self and relationship improvement. I don't know if I've been sacrificing actual parts of myself. Just sacrificing time and energy.

Now I know that I went off on a presumptious tangent, but I was trying to understand what happened here, because it seems to be an entire split between what the T said and what you think.

Yeah, there is more going on, I suppose. I get caught up in my husband viewing me as incompetent, because he is a perfectionist, workaholic and very critical....But we are friends, have good times too. And most of the time I do just manage to shrug him off. It's just those pinch moments, when I want support and acceptance, and I don't get it. I get really mad.