[rainbow8]

I have something to tell my T and I'm trying to put it into perspective. How important is it? It sounds traumatic but I'm sure it's not unusual. In the light of that session where I told T I was scared and was 5 years old, and she SAW me looking scared, I am wondering, though.

What happened is I just found out that when I was in kindergarten my brother used to walk me home at lunchtime. He told me that once his teacher kept him 5 or 10 minutes after dismissal until he "confessed" to something he didn't do so he could leave to get me.

He said that the kids had all left the school grounds already (I think in those days everyone went home for lunch at noon and returned at 1 p.m.) and I was hunched up on the stairs, outside, terrified and crying. He said it was the saddest thing he ever saw, and he was crying as he typed it to me today. He was surprised that I hadn't remembered this incident at all.

I don't think I'm the first chid to have been kept waiting anywhere. But I was shy and sensitive; I probably wouldn't have even considered going back into the school to ask where my brother was. I'm not saying this is the answer to my problems, but the way my brother describes it, it does sound traumatic for me.

Another time in therapy I said I saw myself alone, in a heap, crying. It's very weird! A few other things happened when I was 5; kindergarten was scary for me, but I never knew anything about this incident before.

What does anyone think?

[Dr.Muffin]

it sounds like a significant experience to me. i vote for sharing it with your therapist. it sounds really traumatic to me. i had a similar experience as a child (although i reacted differently) and its a story i remember quite vividly! it ended with me at a park on the swings and a cop car pulling up and my mother springing out of the car and running towards me! (they thought i was kidnapped or something)

what would be the downside of sharing this info?

[rainbow8]

To be honest, of course I'm going to tell her! I wanted to be sure my thread related to therapy! What I really wonder is how important this is in why I am the way I am. You know, my attachment to my Ts and feeling of wanting my T to hold my hand so I will feel safe. I'm sure my relationship with my mother is more significant than one incident in my childhood, but it's intriguing how clearly my brother remembers his feelings from over 50 years ago!!

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow)))) It is amazing how those types of things really are some of the most important things to bring up in therapy sessions. Those events which we may not think a thing about as an adult are very important to the child part of us. And the emotions of the child need to be addressed and considered. I think it is very good that your brother was able to share this with you!

[BlackCanary]

It sounds like it is a waypoint on the path of your life? When you pull the thread on "why", then you see this one light up?

I agree with you - it's really interesting that your brother remembers it so well, that it left such an impression on him. Perhaps he'll have other stories to tell you that will increase your self-understanding?
Sometimes it's helpful to me to see that my brother has the same wacky habits and tendancies that I do, since we learned them at home. Seeing them in him helps me to change my behavior!!!!

[granite1]

big hugs to little rain that sounds so horrable.you were so scared then.i can feel it just with how you wrote it.i think these things can be huge events in someones life especially if you were as sensitive as you were and i'm sure asking about him to someone was totally out of the question.wow so alone you must have felt

[Melbadaze]

sounds like it was important to your brother. if its someone elses memory then perhaps its best to just keep plugging away with one owns memories? as and when they arise? Yes information is helpful, can help fill in the gaps, but our own stuff is more important...or else you could be talking about something thats not as important to you??

[rainbow8]

Interesting comment, Melba. I know it was important to my brother because he had to lie to get out of school to pick me up. He was upset.

I know that we often don't remember traumatic events, though. When I exhibited being scared in my session and said I was 5 years old, it could be memories of that incident. I was very shy and sensitive. Anyway, today is my session so I won't speculate any more but will tell my T and see what she thinks about it.

[Melbadaze]

Normally one incident is a smoke screen for something else, perhaps abandoment already experienced by that age, perhaps your brothers sense of responsibitly for you was an example of him having to take over the parents role? I remember being taken to sch with my brother when I was 5 accept he would hit me and run from me,that was just how our relationship was, the damage wasnt from one incident, the damage was spotlighted by incidents, if you get my drift.

[mixedup_emotions]

Hmm....Your post has me thinking about my 5 year old experiences which included two similar experiences as well as CSA and abusive parents....helps me wonder how much of that impacts my current issues. Blech.

Anyway....It'd be hard to know how something affected you back then...however, it it could possibly be a piece to the puzzle. I'd be curious to learn how you process this with T!!

[rainbow8]

I told my T about this incident today. She didn't seem to think it was that significant. I wish she had. What she did say was that when she uses the word "trauma" in regards to me, she doesn't necessarily mean abuse or terrible things happening. She just thinks something wasn't good for me in my early relationships with my mother and father, but it's not one incident. It's more subtle, but it was definitely something I missed, though she says not to blame my parents.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I told my T about this incident today. She didn't seem to think it was that significant. I wish she had.

That really surprises me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I told my T about this incident today. She didn't seem to think it was that significant. I wish she had.

I think the person who can best judge whether the incident was significant is you, rainbow. Did you get a chance to explore it in therapy? Or did you tell her you wished that she found it significant? That itself seems like it might be important.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

but it's not one incident

From what you've written, that seems like it's probably true. So instead of one incident, maybe it's 1000 little incidents, and maybe remembering some of them can provide clues. Maybe this incident with your brother being late to walk you home was one of those thousand and you can learn something from it that will lead to other clues and to more knowledge and insight of what you experienced in your past. Sometimes in therapy I have followed just a flicker of feeling or memory and it has shown me a lot.

[rainbow8]

sunrise: It would have been different if I remembered the incident, but I have no recollection of it whatsoever. Now I'm confused about what my T said about it! I know she said that I'm not 5 now, and I don't have to be scared about what happened then. But, unlike Bt who left it at that, my T wants to explore those feelings more. I think it was more like "this is interesting, may be one small piece of the puzzle but not the whole picture." She didn't say that, though.

At the end of the session, I did tell her that I wished and thought she would have found the incident more significant. Then, if I recall correctly, she said she hadn't said it wasn't important, and maybe in a couple of weeks we could do EMDR about it. But, before that, she said EMDR would be about something else.

IDK. I have trouble remembering or processing information from my sessions. Also, T changes her mind often. She's got to have some weak points otherwise she'd be perfect.

I wished she would have thought it was THE answer because then I'd KNOW why I have the need for security, to hold her hand, etc. She said we may or not find any definitive answer in my childhood. I kind of "get that" now. It just built up, like you said. She thinks my "selective mutism" is important, but I tell her that's now considered social phobia. I don't think it was caused by anything my parents did or didn't do, but rather by heredity. I need to discuss that with my T, as I think we disagree about it.

[emilyjeanne]

I'm a little late on this... but I vote for telling T. If it bothers you even a small amount it is worth exploring.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, EJ. I did tell my T and I posted about her reaction. You must have missed reading that part, but I appreciate your posting!

I hope you are doing okay. Today is almost over and you will have gotten through it! Lots of hugs for you:

[eskielover]

I do think that individuals are born with different needs from the beginning & not just what is developed from the relationship with our parents even though that also has a huge part in our development.

Think it's impossible to generalize about things like this as each person is so very different.....just as you have the need for security, I actually pushed my parents away from me at a very young age. Didn't want anyone to see me holding hands with my parents & was very independent from the time I can even remember. My psychologist offered the thought that because I did have the security available to me & wasn't in need of it, it made it possible for me to not have the need for it & could be more independent.

It is usually never "one thing" (unless the one thing is so very traumatic) that causes our behavior to be what it is. We have to take the whole picture into consideration & then the personality that we are born with plays a part in that also. Sometimes I don't think there is any one answer as to why we are the way we are & just have to work to adapt the parts that end up causing us problems in the now. I think that some of the why's may never really be known or maybe even be that terribly important that they are something we even need to work through (if it wasn't a serious trauma).

Ah, how complex the human mind is in it's development process. Hope that you will be able to work through your need for security if it's something that is really bothering you.

I think that some people are born more independent than others & then the the way our parents treat us & things that happen in our life all have an influence on how our original tendencies develop.

Think your T may change her mind as she gets more pieces of your puzzle she is working to put together & may realize that there may be something of more importance then when she originally stated what she was planning on doing.

Sounds like you have a pretty awesome T working with you & that you are really progressing even if it may not feel like it at the moment.

Keep up the good work