T will hate me

Urrrrr - had something triggering happen at the grocery store today with a male totally invading my personal space at the checkout - in a very bad way and then was all "Oh I'm sorry, I was just trying to get out of your way." Uggg!!! It really threw me off my game plan of being grounded and balanced.

I wrote the details in an email to my T but now I am afraid he is going to hate me because I am supposed to be working on being balanced and grounded and such.

Sorry if this makes no sense - I am not happy about what happened. I shoved the grocery cart into the dude and told him to BACK OFF!

I just want to not have this type of thing happen... I hate being a girl sometimes because of stuff like this. Then my mind spins out and I am a mess!

I thought therapy would let me be stronger! Maybe I need to go to some magical T who can just wave a wand and make me not be me!!!!!

No way on earth will T hate you for this, or for telling him about it.

You're right- this shouldn't happen just because we're female. And I'm especially sorry this happened to you, on top of everything else you've already been through.

Well done for defending your boundaries, even if it involved a shopping trolley! I know you've said you're working on being balanced and grounded, but I'd imagine you've also been working on standing up for yourself and saying no? You did well

I agree with improving. You did defend your boundaries and stand up for yourself, which I think is a sign of being stronger, personally!

I understand you want to be balanced, but a guy invading your space is fundamentally UNbalancing, you know? I hear that you are disappointed with your reaction, but are there parts of it that you are happy with? Personally, I think being able to tell someone to back off is a HUGE thing, something many women are unable to do. It seems like you are feeling guilty for standing up for yourself (that's how I get, anyway). There's no one perfect way to stand up for yourself, especially in a surprising and unsettling situation.

((((WePow))))

Has T ever been upset with you before because you were triggered?

Echoes, I think Skeksi is right - there is guilt for standing up for me :-( No clue as to why. And I have no idea why T would be mad at me either. I just feel mixed up and very ugg. Well, yes I do know why T may be mad at me because I was honest and told him about a self-harm thing I did when I came home from that because I was not mentally stable. uggggggg. I am fine but I don't need to do that type of thing and I worry sometimes if I just need to be in DBT or something stronger or maybe a total brain transplant. I feel like I just can't respond that strongly when these things happen. I just don't have tools to deal with the power of those emotions when things go south too fast.

(((((WePow))))...Sometimes we go up a step on the ladder and go back down a step.You possess reasons for the feelings you have.So standing up for you is a healthy thing.Your T will not hate you.I think you know that deep inside.Your feelings are there and you don't choose them.T will not hate you

I know it may not seem like it, but trust me - you will get better at it. You will, it just takes time and confidence.

The strength is there.

When you are ready you will release it.

(((WePow))) Someone unexpectedly moving into my personal space is alarming. I really like that your reaction was to stand up for you

(((((wepow)))))

I'm glad you wrote it out in an email to T, and I promise he won't hate you for not being perfect. Promise.

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

My son's pitching coach was hitting on me last summer...it was AWFUL. I felt trapped and confused and had no idea how to handle it. I called T and left what had to be the stupidest message ever...

And just a couple of months before that, I was driving, and I looked over and these creepy guys in a truck next to me were checking me out and whistling and stuff. Another stupid message to T.

I feel like I am always on display, even in jeans, and tshirts and no make up (which is how I dress), and I ****ING HATE IT.

And I REALLY hate that I don't know how to handle those situations. In the whole fight/flight/freeze response, I just freeze. Or maybe go somewhere else in my head. But I don't know how to respond, or to fight back.

You did a good job. You told him to back off, you called T to process it, you are writing about it here. All of that is big, and good. I wish I had that kind of strength. I really, really do.

T won't be mad, WePow.

((((( WePow )))))

I know you are disappointed with the self-harm, and it's ok to feel disappointed. Imagine if you weren't disappointed....I'm sure your T would be more concerned about you being happy about it, ok with it, proud of it, etc.

You did a great job of protecting your boundaries....and the effects of the situation were a lot for you to handle.

All I know is that all the times I think my counselor will be mad at me, he isn't! Often he is actually glad about something I've said or done - it's just the opposite of what I expect. I have the same experience, though, and feel frightened about it. My guess is that your T will be glad you stuck up for yourself. Sending caring thoughts your way, knowing that it is a stressful situation.

Take care,
ErinBear

(((((((((((((((wePow))))))))))))

In my opinion, this is a very old, very deep terror that does not belong to us. I ahve found that terror is much harder to shake than shame, guilt and all the crap that comes along with out histories. It's so mobilizing. It's not like one can wallow in terror. It sparks action because, well, it's terror.

WePow, I think you did a great job of whacking that guy with your cart. It's your space dammit. YOUR SPACE.

None of it and I mean NONE OF IT should be ours to own.

We have every single right to walk down the street and tolerate, perhaps dare I say, enjoy being attractive powerful women. That is our birthright and we need to claim it back.

The people who caused this do not deserve another single emotion from us. I know this, I'm sure we all know this cognitively, but we've got to bring this forward into our knowing.

If there is anyone that knows that there are real threats out there, it's us. But damn. Even a gazelle on the African plain gets to go to the waterhole and have a nice drink. Don't we deserve the same? I mean really?

Just venting. Grrrr....

WePow, I want to offer you some support in standing up for yourself in an obviously uncomfortable (to say the least) situation, and that I also don't think your therapist will hate you. I don't have the experience with therapy that others have, but during my limited time in therapy, my therapist expressed discernible disappointment with some of my choices, a feeling I definitely did not like, but it came from a place of concern and hopefulness in him. We debated at those times, but I never once thought he hated me. Was he annoyed with me? Yeah, possibly--but he remained the caring human he was and still is.

So many great guys out there, and there are, and I manage to bump into the creepy variety all too often myself. The guys at the bus stop who cannot keep their inappropriate comments to themselves, the guys in stores who do not understand the concept of waiting a moment so you can pass or excusing themselves so there's room for all in the cereal aisle, the guys in nearby cars and trucks (as treehouse mentioned) who like to think my body is a platter of crudites from which they can pick with their eyes. It's beyond frustrating, and can make a little, everyday task turn into a disaster. I call the creeps on it almost every time, and when I don't, I regret not having taken some action. One guy friend tried defending this behavior to me, and I had to tell him to his face that his argument was a load of rubbish. "This is what goes on in guys' minds," he'd said, to which I replied, "It's all well and good when it's within the confines of their minds. It's up to the person thinking it to mitigate the thought and realize they're dealing with another HUMAN BEING if they decide to act on it." No free pass there, I'm afraid.

Stand up for yourself whenever and wherever you deem you must, WePow. You deserve your space when you're out in the world, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

(((WePow))) sorry to hear you were triggered. But you are still progressing. You realise that you should have remained grounded. You have learnt where it is that you want to progress to.
These are all steps forward and you definitely need to discuss it with T.
Please don't feel guilty that you stood up for yourself - I would have done the same thing

((((((((((((All))))))))))))))

Thank you so much~!~ All of your replies are so valuable to me!!!!!!
I decided when I woke up this AM that I was going to give myself permision to dump yesterday and just have today all brand new!!! Yippie!!!

WOOT!WOOT!WOOT!.......That's the spirit!

Yup, this is 2011 - we're going to change bad habits from last year. We're going to choose to be happy.
Glad you could make that decision

be gentle with yourself.

(((((WePow)))))

What do you think this guy triggered in you? Good job you told him to back off when he invaded your personal space. As for T, why don't you bring this up with him at the next session and see what he says? I bet he will not be mad at you at all.

Fantastic decision Cheering you from here!

Hi WePow,

Be gentle with yourself. The feeling of "overreacting" feels awful. I can relate. But try to look at why you did it and have compassion for you. The guy can deal. I'm sure he didn't walk away bleeding or anything so you aren't responsible for his feelings. They are his responsibility. He can take them to his own T. You are aware of your actions and that is enough. What if it wasn't you, but someone else who described how they had been massively triggered and described this situation to you. Would you tell them they really didn't have to feel guilty? Would you tell them that when one has PTSD these things happen? The best you can do is be aware... I think it was a super move to write to your T.

Elana