[SpiritRunner]

I don't know - maybe should put a trigger warning here*****am mentioning things that could trigger, SI*****

Anyway, so about 3 weeks ago, something my husband said/did triggered me, majorly.....it wasn't that what he did was actually so bad, but somehow it took me back to my childhood again, and made some things rise to the surface in a very big way....with the feeling that I had been bad and should punish myself, hence the SI compulsions becoming very powerful again (when I sure thought I had conquered them ). It led to the insight that this stuff was coming from my childhood, from things my dad (and mom, but mostly my dad here) had said/done, things that led to the belt coming out.....having the insight into where the feelings were coming from was great, yes, but didn't take away the compulsions, the feelings, the hurt of old wounds re-opened in a very big way....
Hence, my T has definitely been in crisis management mode (I'm putting it that way anyway since I'm not thinking of a better way to put it...) to make sure I'm safe (and I do appreciate her directness, firmness, care). She's discussed all sorts of options with me.....practical stuff. All good, yes. But somehow, yesterday, once again sitting there having to talk about medication/hospitalization, etc, without getting so much into the deeper reasons why this SI/these compulsions are there....well, it was frustrating to feel like therapy has been in a holding pattern, like we're sitting in this rut spinning our wheels and not getting out of the rut. I know the immediate situation has to be dealt with, but my thing is, I want to get the wounds/the patterns that led to the SI trouble to get processed so it's not still sitting there in my mind/heart, hurting!
The thing sort of in my mind right now though is......is this SI/depression all related to the childhood wounds, and processing those will free me of both the SI and compulsion and the depression/emotional intensity stuff? Or do I have to face also what might be a fact that I have a 'chemical tendency' if you will in my mind also.....and have to accept that some of the depression, the deep emotional intensity/volatility I feel is sort of an intrinsic part of me? A great part of me just wants to be able to make the choice to throw off the chains, without medication........but is it really more than I can do, if it's really a sort of a chemical imbalance out of my control? grrr....how do I figure that out?! Hence, the feeling right now like I am in a holding pattern, at an impasse.....whatever...not sure what to think, do, where to go.... I wouldn't blame my T if she is feeling a bit the same way with the place our therapy is right now....
Sorry....I rambled; I seem to do that sometimes! Thanks for listening and for any wisdom offered!

[Sannah]

Hey PG, so I guess your question is "should you take medication"? Have you taken it before? Did it help? Processing all of your issues will certainly put you in a much better place but medication could make it easier for you to accomplish.

When our upbringing was dysfunctional it puts us in a place where our functioning is stressed. When our functioning is stressed it does mess with our biochemicals. Fixing things in therapy helps us to function better and, thus, puts us into a better biochemical balance. But sometimes some people need a little more help with meds in order to accomplish therapy.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hey PG, so I guess your question is "should you take medication"? Have you taken it before? Did it help? Processing all of your issues will certainly put you in a much better place but medication could make it easier for you to accomplish.

When our upbringing was dysfunctional it puts us in a place where our functioning is stressed. When our functioning is stressed it does mess with our biochemicals. Fixing things in therapy helps us to function better and, thus, puts us into a better biochemical balance. But sometimes some people need a little more help with meds in order to accomplish therapy.

Yep, I guess the basic ? is, would I be better served in taking taking meds, and would it indeed be more of an aid to my therapy....or not? I brought up the thought to her that I didn't want meds to interfere with feeling feelings that I do need to feel/deal with......she says, I understand that, but perhaps it would be better if the lows weren't so low?
Oh - I just can't understand if this depression/emotional intensity stuff is an issue that would be with me even if I had had more 'normal' stable childhood.....well, I guess I'm trying to separate the biochemical from the situational/social/circumstantial, nature vs. nurture....Maybe even when I have childhood processed, the depression/emotional stuff will remain.....or will it actually be stabilized? Sorry, this isn't clear....my head is muddled by even trying to think it all through!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I didn't want meds to interfere with feeling feelings that I do need to feel/deal with......she says, I understand that, but perhaps it would be better if the lows weren't so low?

Yes, these are the 2 areas that need to be considered when making this decision. You can always do a trial and see what happens?

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Oh - I just can't understand if this depression/emotional intensity stuff is an issue that would be with me even if I had had more 'normal' stable childhood.....well, I guess I'm trying to separate the biochemical from the situational/social/circumstantial, nature vs. nurture....Maybe even when I have childhood processed, the depression/emotional stuff will remain.....or will it actually be stabilized?

From everything that I have learned, for any disease you need the genetics for it and you need the environment. If either one is missing the chance for the disease is very low if at all.

I have seen many people, including myself, heal after they worked through the issues. I know that my environment caused my problems. Once I corrected the problems mental health became mine. I have seen it over and over again.

[Sweetlove]

Poetgirl, I am going through some of the same stuff with SI and thinking that was behind me. I just started a new medication about a 2 weeks ago because I know my depression is fueling the SI, and I want to take care of the root of the problem. When I tried medication for the first time about 6 years ago, I told my old T "I don't want my happiness to depend on a pill"...but that isn't how it works. You still feel the same things...happiness, sadness, frustration, stress...but it is more manangable and not everything feels like it is the end of the world. I have yet to find a medication that makes me feel "fake" or happy all of the time...and I don't want that. I just want to feel more content and safe. Hopefully, this new medication will do that for me.

Medication isn't for everyone and different people will have different opinions about it. You have to do what is best for you, and what will make you feel better. Talk to your T more about what YOU want to work on and how you feel about meds. Maybe you can tell her how you feel your kind of "stuck" right now, and how your afraid she feels the same way? It might open up the conversation a bit...good luck!

I fought medication for years. Sometimes I would give in and try it, but I never really gave it a chance. My therapist and MD both felt that I could benefit from some type of meds. I finally gave in, as long as I was taking the smallest amount I could. Just enough to take the edge of off things.

I think it has helped me. Or at least my family thinks it has. Many times we can't see the changes, but those around us can. Like you, I want to work on the issue, not take medication to numb me from it. I have to ask myself these questions: Are my issues because of a chemical imbalance that causes me to be irrational in my thoughts? Or are the issues I am having causing me to feel sad, lonely, depressed, and anxious?

This is not an easy fix. There are pros and cons to therapy, as well as pros and cons to medications. I guess we just have to somehow find that balance that works for us. That is not easy at all and can be so frustrating! I know how you feel.

[SpiritRunner]

[quote=Sannah;1667820]Yes, these are the 2 areas that need to be considered when making this decision. You can always do a trial and see what happens?

Yes, I suppose I could, maybe should do a trial......

From everything that I have learned, for any disease you need the genetics for it and you need the environment. If either one is missing the chance for the disease is very low if at all.

I have seen many people, including myself, heal after they worked through the issues. I know that my environment caused my problems. Once I corrected the problems mental health became mine. I have seen it over and over again.

Definitely, I think there has been both the environment and the genetics in my case......I guess there really isn't much sense in struggling to see where one ends, the other begins, or to try to separate it out in my mind. I think it's pretty clear to me I have the tendency anyway......though, because of the time in therapy up to this point, I see much more clearly how deeply patterns learned from childhood are etched into my mind/heart. It's daunting to see how much healing is needed......and daunting to think how much might just remain, as an intrinsic part of me/my mind, even when I have dealt with childhood, and other, wounds.

Thanks for the answers and the encouragement.....I think when I have my session Friday, I will tell my T I am willing to try something that will help bring some emotional balance to me, so that we can get on with dealing with the wounds that need healing....so that I am stable enough to handle that emotionally....

[lastyearisblank]

Talk to your shrink! If she is just trying to keep you safe she may be missing the thing that really matters-- the feeling that brought you here! Maybe you can try to tell her again about the thing your husband said?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Talk to your shrink! If she is just trying to keep you safe she may be missing the thing that really matters-- the feeling that brought you here! Maybe you can try to tell her again about the thing your husband said?

Thanks!.....I know my T is trying to make sure I'm safe, and this is the thing that she was concentrating really hard on at the moment. The frustration for me I suppose is just feeling like we needed to be working more on the thing, the memory, the hurt that triggered this SI stuff....sitting around talking about medication, hospitalization, etc., wasn't precisely helping heal the re-opened wound right now! I understand she was being practical, and also responsible in making sure I was/am both physically and mentally safe first.....and I understand she wasn't ignoring the trigger or the underlying wounds/emotions that got stirred up. Yet, instead of spending a session talking about how to be safe, I wanted to talk about the thing that stirred up all this SI stuff right now, all this hurt....I felt like I left with the wound still open.....hence the frustration, or feeling like being stuck in a rut, or a holding pattern (of crisis).....
But I understand that the SI stuff, the outer manifestations of the inner hurts, is what had to be taken of first.....she has to make sure I am safe.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I wanted to talk about the thing that stirred up all this SI stuff right now, all this hurt....I felt like I left with the wound still open.....

Did you tell her this ^ in session?

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I think there has been both the environment and the genetics in my case...... I think it's pretty clear to me I have the tendency anyway......I see much more clearly how deeply patterns learned from childhood are etched into my mind/heart. It's daunting to see how much healing is needed......

and daunting to think how much might just remain, as an intrinsic part of me/my mind, even when I have dealt with childhood, and other, wounds.

I think that once you have dealt with all of your issues that you are pretty much functional. The genetic part IMO is just which direction that your dysfunctional unbringing is going to take you in.

In my dysfunctional family, my dad, sister and I developed anxiety. None of us could be depressed ever. My other sister is depressed. I have never seen her anxious once. My mother is narcissistic. I never saw her anxious or depressed. I know some people can have all of the above.

I have been working on myself for 20 years (the intense work was the first 10). I have beat back that anxiety pretty well. Rarely am I anxious and when I am it is a situation where anyone would be anxious.

[SpiritRunner]

Sannah, she did say to me that she didn't feel it would be very responsible of her to get into the deeper feelings or go deeper into the wounds without making sure I am safe first, because she was concerned about triggering me worse....

[Sannah]

Did you tell her how badly that you needed to talk about it?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Did you tell her how badly that you needed to talk about it?

I don't think I made it clear enough....I probably didn't say directly, straight out that I thought that the best thing would be talk about it all now!!

[Sannah]

I'm a slow processer and it is the story of my life that I understand what I want and need AFTER an interaction. At least I follow up later!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm a slow processer and it is the story of my life that I understand what I want and need AFTER an interaction. At least I follow up later!

I relate! Sometimes I don't see something in the moment because of the emotion there......sometimes I don't see the emotion till later because I am trying to function in the moment, deal in a practical, logical sense with it. I'm learning to follow up too....