[sugahorse1]

Not much to report, but just thought I need to mention it.

Had quite a difficult session. Had a very bad Monday and Tuesday (issues with boyfriend), then things calmed down and I've been getting more and more hypomanic.

So, I felt a bit spaced out. Even in t. For once it was just my logical mind talking. I felt very distant from it all, but it was OK. Then right at the end, there was this silence. And I hate the silence because I always get so emotional.
Oh, and then THE look from T (like she's waiting for me to say something, but at the same time it's very honest and caring)

Well, it felt like a complete tidal wave hit me. My body started to tingle, I could feel my core temperature rise, background noises were seeming more distant. I nearly broke down then and there - it's the closest I've ever been in therapy. Almost felt like a panic attack stalking up on me. it was strange, felt very physical.
It was strange that this happened when I was as hypomanic as I was.
T said she felt very disconnected - I think I agree, but I'm not sure. Yes, I think I was experiencing depersonalisation. It was easier to talk that way. But nothing felt real, like it wasn't my life I was talking about.
I was very superficial about my observations, needs and feelings.
So we sat there in silence for about 3 minutes while I was battling with myself.

What brought it on? T had started talking about me needing to self-soothe. And I said I know that's where I need to be, but I just can't do it now, and I consider it a weakness.
I'm not sure why the emotions were so strong.
At the end, she asked me: Is there anything you need right now? Wow - caught me off-guard. I just said no, because I had no idea what else to do...

Heavy
Somewhat confused, but not upset...

[SpiritRunner]

((((suga))))
I know SO well the LOOK - my T has this too, and it just absolutely gets me...it really feels like she sees what I'm not saying, or at least knows that there is something that needs to be said, even if I simply can't say it.
I understand too, about the self-soothe stuff, about finding it hard to do though I know I need to be able to, and considering it a weakness......but, if I may say it this way, no need to feel ashamed, even if it is a weakness! It is so hard to feel weak in something so important, and I hate feeling weak too - but where I am weak, I CAN learn to be strong, and while I am learning to be strong, it is OK to feel weak, to ask for help and receive it.....I don't know what to say sometimes either when my T asks me what I need or what can she give me (sometimes I feel like saying, just love me, nothing more than that! )
anyway, I am thinking of you!

[geez]

(((sugahorse))) Sorry you are having a difficult time.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks guys. I think I'm ok. It may hit me later, but hopefully it will stay with me as a positive moment. It's almost as if I really sensed her caring for me, and that emotion was just too strong for me to bear.

[Sannah]

Good work Suga, sounds like it all came about because you were disconnected from your feelings and you wanted to keep it that way even though the situation was encouraging you to connect with your feelings.

[sugahorse1]

Doing a lot of processing today...

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Oh, and then THE look from T (like she's waiting for me to say something, but at the same time it's very honest and caring)

"The Look". I think we all know that one too well. It is as if they know we have something we want/need to say, and they are waiting for us to give it a voice. Sometimes I get irritated and ask "Why are you looking at me!" You know what her reponse was? "because I can."

Self-soothing is not a weakness. It takes a lot of strength and knowledge about your own needs to be able to do that. Even as infants we turn to self-soothing. It is an innate response to our needs.

[sugahorse1]

I don't see self-soothing as a weakness; I see the lack of skills/knowledge to self-soothe as a weakness. And it's grinding away at me more and more

[jazzy123456]

take it a day, a moment at a time. breathe and remember your human. remember life is learning not destination. remember you are special. remember that you are loved and that your life has purpose. even in pain, we must remember that we have radiance in us, power in us... power to grow larger then our suffering...we just have to continue to pray and hope that we gather the patience we need to wait for it... be gentle with yourself right now...and make sure you release anxiety whatever way you can... sessions like this can be tough but your tougher...

[sugahorse1]

Thanks for the encouragement Jazzy

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I don't see self-soothing as a weakness; I see the lack of skills/knowledge to self-soothe as a weakness. And it's grinding away at me more and more

I see what you're saying here......I don't see self-soothing as a weakness, but what I see as the weakness for myself is that I fail to do it very well sometimes, even though I do have knowledge of what I can/should do! This brings a sort of a shame to me.....
But anyway, I think being able to see where you lack skills/knowledge and having the willingness to learn what you need to learn is a strength in itself! I'm sure you ARE learning more than you feel like you are right now.....

[sugahorse1]

I've discussed it a bit with my T, and I think she understands how much this is hurting me. She's trying to help me not be so hard on myself. And naturally to learn the necessary skills.
I wish I could just be confident and happy within my own company.
And when I hear the word 'care' - it really kind of triggers me. It's something I just to feel and believe so badly.
Sorry about my little pity party...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

She's trying to help me not be so hard on myself. And naturally to learn the necessary skills.

I wish I could just be confident and happy within my own company.

And when I hear the word 'care' - it really kind of triggers me. It's something I just to feel and believe so badly.

This is good stuff Suga. It is great what your therapist is working on with you.

I keep hearing you want the finish line so badly without having to travel the distance to get there. I think that this adds to your distress actually, distressing over what you need to do? Or distressing at where you are in life?

I can see how the word "care" could trigger you. Do you still need to process the lack of care that you have suffered from?

[Omers]

Too close to the session I had this week to have words... know you are in my thoughts.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Yes, I think I was experiencing depersonalisation. It was easier to talk that way. But nothing felt real, like it wasn't my life I was talking about.
I was very superficial about my observations, needs and feelings.
So we sat there in silence for about 3 minutes while I was battling with myself.

((sugahorse))

I am really able to relate to this.

[sugahorse1]

Sannah - you do have a lot of valid points. Maybe I need to just slow down and go with the ride... I am not the most patient of people and tend to push myself and others.

"care" and me are a very difficult concept, as there's not one real time where 'care' wasn't available to me. I think I chose to step back from my parents (For no real reason) and now am battling with the perceived lack of caring. And I need my boyfriend to care for me.

Omers and Elana - sorry you're battling with the same things. I'm a PM away and happy to talk about it

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

there's not one real time where 'care' wasn't available to me. I think I chose to step back from my parents (For no real reason) and now am battling with the perceived lack of caring.

Of course there was a reason.........

And I'll bet this has everything to do with why you chose a bf who isn't available to you (yes, now you have fear of intimacy).

[sugahorse1]

I feel I need too much intimacy and love. I don't want to be the centre of attention at a party (I actually don't like large social gatherings); but I want the person in my life to shower me with love and affection.

When I was a teenager, I considered myself a very independent person - I didn't need people around - hence it was easy to pull away from my parents

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I want the person in my life to shower me with love and affection.

Has this ^ ever happened? If it did, how did you respond?

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I don't want to be the centre of attention at a party (I actually don't like large social gatherings);

I considered myself a very independent person - I didn't need people around - hence it was easy to pull away from my parents

These things ^ fit with fear of intimacy.

[rainbow8]

(((((sugahorse)))))

Just want to say I read your thread and care about you and how you're doing. Hang in there!!!