[sunrise]

I had my T appointment last week, first time in a month. Now another month until the next. T told me I could come sooner than a month if I wanted and to let him know. This weekend something came up, and now I wish I could talk with T about it. I know he would help me make sense of it. It is on one of his favorite topics--adult children reconciling with their parents.

What happened is I went to visit my parents this weekend. I am trying to visit whenever I can, as their health is poor, my father is near deciding to end his life (he has the medical means to do this), and my mother has suffered a lot of cognitive decline in the last year. They are hanging on to living independently--just barely.

We were talking about something or other and suddenly I remembered something from my childhood and it seemed odd so I shared it with my mother. I told her how when I was in kindergarten (I was only 4 1/2 years old), I used to walk to school on my own. It was about a mile away, through winding neighborhood streets, at the top of a hill. It was easy to find getting there in the morning, as it was right next to a big water tower that crouched on the top of the hill like a big spider--hard to miss. But walking home, I would often get lost, take some wrong turns, and have a lot of anxiety about whether I would be able to find my house or not. All the streets looked kind of the same to me and I often took 2 or 3 attempts to find my house. In present day, I cannot imagine turning one of my daughters loose at that age to navigate her way to a school a mile away all by herself--crossing roads all alone, making the right turns correctly, etc. So I told my mother how I used to get lost on the way home and now that I was thinking back on it, I realized I should have told her back then but I hadn't.

My mom said to me, "you were too scared of me to tell," and she looked impossibly sad and remorseful. My Dad said, "you were probably scared she would beat you if you told," or something rather blunt like that. I realized he was so right. I would never tell my mom about getting lost because she would yell and scream at me and beat me up. I was terrified of her; my job as a child was to keep a very low profile so I wouldn't accidentally anger her into violence. I read what I just wrote and know it sounds extreme--perhaps a child's exaggeration of how bad things were or selective memory?--but my mother's sad, sad face tells me it is very true. My mom said something again, like "yes, you were scared of me." She didn't deny what my father said and just looked so very very sorry and remorseful. She said, "I should have come to the school to meet you." My dad said, "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?"

Last week, in class, one of my professors had been listening to a student who was telling about a clinical case in which a child suffered brain damage at a hospital, and was left with gross deficits in mobility, cognition, etc. She just looked so very, very sad upon hearing this child's story, like she wanted to change the outcome for that child, even though of course that was not possible. That face she made reminds me so much of how my mother looked. It was hard for me to look at those faces--professor or mom.

I don't know what to make of all this. I am not sure I responded well when my parents said these things. We have never talked about how things were back then.

What can I say....other than...deep,tender,lingering huggs.I feel all of what you are saying.You are heard....WO.olf....>.<

[Kacey2]

Sunrise,
How scary for you!

I am with you on, "we have never talked about those things back then." It is almost surreal when it happens huh?

Sad looks from your mom because it is sad. It is very, very sad for you. And it is really quite sad for her as she takes inventory of her lifes highs and lows.

[Verbascum]

I hope you won't be mad for my saying this, but is it not a bit comforting that your mother actually admits now, that she was too harsh on you back then, and that she seems to regret it?

I had some similar things going on as a kid. Just like you I happened to mention them to my mother now that my own children have the same age.
In my case, my mother defended herself: in those days things were totally different, all children walked to school by themselves, besides, nothing bad ever happened, so what's the problem? She really has no idea about how scared I was, not then, and not now.

Makes me feel very sad, after all those years. I guess I hoped for some acknowledgement...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

What can I say....other than...deep,tender,lingering huggs.I feel all of what you are saying.You are heard....WO.olf....>.<

Thank you, wolf.

[ECHOES]

Wow, sunrise what an opening of a secret door it sounds like for all of you. It sounds pretty scary to have the opportunity to talk freely about something so important about your childhood and your family dynamics. I'm amazed that all 3 of you could be open about this, no one rushed to sweep it under the rug. That is really something.

I can certainly understand why you would like to talk to T sooner than planned. Do you think you'll call him to see if you can get in?

Little 4 1/2 year old sunrise looking all over for home.. makes me feel so sad for her

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Verbascum

I hope you won't be mad for my saying this, but is it not a bit comforting that your mother actually admits now, that she was too harsh on you back then, and that she seems to regret it?

No, I am not mad. I am happy you saw that, Verbascum, because I felt some healing in that interaction, and I think you saw it too. So I feel understood. It was an important moment for me, and I didn't relate all of it here--my reactions to what my parents said, etc. That is partly why I've felt I don't want to wait a month to see my T about this, because he will understand, he will get it immediately, and I think I need that understanding--maybe that's why I risked posting my story here. I wasn't sure I would find understanding here because of the harsh things that are sometimes written by people about those who abused them (I am not at all saying they shouldn't be harsh, so I hope people won't misunderstand--we are all in different places in our journeys). When I haven't been harsh about various situations I've related, I have sometimes received comments that I am reacting wrong, that I should be angry, etc., and I've felt somehow defective for being too forgiving or accepting. It's hard for me to write absolutely honestly about the interaction with my mother here because I fear people's criticism. But I have forgiven my mother, and our interaction last week confirmed that to me. It was a big moment.

Verbascum, I understand very much about the walking to school in a different era--it was different back then. This was over 40 years ago. That wasn't my point, really, just part of the setting for the story. For me, the important part was my mother's strong sorrow about having treated me the way she did--continually with violence--such that I was terrified of her. And when my father said that to her and she didn't deny it (or defend herself), that was very powerful to me. Because I think even 10 years ago she would have denied everything if the topic had arisen (but it never did). It only came up now because she was ready for it. She's changed. I am glad she has lived long enough for me to see this and for us to be closer.

Originally Posted by Verbascum

Makes me feel very sad, after all those years. I guess I hoped for some acknowledgement...

When I told my mom the story, I was not hoping for acknowledgement. I had no goal. I was just saying, hey, remember when... Just kind of pleasantly reminiscing. I would never have had the courage to directly say anything. She's in the last stage of life and I wouldn't want to stir the mud. I feel really lucky this whole conversation even happened. My T says we know inside what we need to heal, so maybe this "accident" was my unconscious at work. I don't know. Hang in there with your mom, Verbascum, because you never know what may happen. What is denied today may be acknowledged in another decade. Thanks again.

[Oceanwave]

My dad said, "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?"

And you were supposed to figure that out at the age of 4? Wonderful.

Hugs to you.

[ECHOES]

She's in the last stage of life and I wouldn't want to stir the mud.

Sunrise, regret and shame follow us forever and your conversation enable your parents to say something that I think has been on their minds a long time. When our kids are grown, we have lots of time for reflection and an ability to be more honest with ourselves because the child is grown now, we don't have to figure out what to 'do' about our parenting, just be brave to take a look at it.

I think this was a gift you gave them, the ability to say out loud something that they may not have even realized at the time, when you were 4 1/2, but may have realized much much later.

[WePow]

(((((Sunrise)))))) You know the truth from your mom's face.
It is a form of validation. Sometimes, seeing our pain "in black and white" makes us realize that it really was trauma. And sometimes it is just so much easier to HOPE that what we remembered just never happened.

Originally Posted by sunrise

When I told my mom the story, I was not hoping for acknowledgement. I had no goal. I was just saying, hey, remember when... Just kind of pleasantly reminiscing. I would never have had the courage to directly say anything. She's in the last stage of life and I wouldn't want to stir the mud. I feel really lucky this whole conversation even happened. My T says we know inside what we need to heal, so maybe this "accident" was my unconscious at work.

I love this, sunny I do think we know what we need to heal, and that something inside must have been guiding you in the right direction.

To know that your parents remember what your childhood was like, and maybe even GET it, and regret mistakes made...it sounds very healing to me. I think that on some unconscious level, I have a hope that someday, someone will apologize for the things that were done to me as a child....or at least acknowledge them. Your moms sad face, showing her clear regret, is like an acknowledgment that you deserved better, and, I would guess, that given the chance to do it over again, she'd do it differently. Maybe that's what's so touching to me about this...your PARENTS' realization that little Sunny deserved better....because you did. And no matter how much WE know that after our years of therapy, to have it validated from a parent must feel really big.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Sunny. Will you call T to see if you can get in sooner??

[Symbiosis]

Maybe take T up on coming in sooner than next month?

[rainbow8]

(((((sunrise)))))

I think it's sad that you had to walk home alone at age 4. I also get that the conversation with your parents about it was healing for you. My T also says that we know what we need to heal.

I'm sorry you've felt hesitant to post your feelings here because there are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings. I think it's wonderful that you have forgiven your mother.

I also think that a month is too long to wait to see your T. What happened is very powerful and important. I hope you can find a way to see him sooner.

[Travelinglady]

I've had a somewhat similar experience with my elderly mother. She was emotionally abusive to me, and I was very scared of her. This pattern even continued into adulthood. But she has since acknowledged her abuse and even apologized. I know she did the best she could. Her parents were even more abusive to her......

I'm glad that you were able to bring this out into the open, and that your parents were able to express their remorse. Your dad might still be in a bit of denial, but it might be more of a man's way of covering up his feelings, perhaps?

It is a breakthrough, I think. As the other folks say, it does sound like you would find it helpful to run it by your T as soon as you can, since it is such a profound experience for you. Plus, it's a tough time for you, since you are dealing with your mother's decline and your dad's decision.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
Your parent visitations sound kind of tough and probably bring a mixed of responses-sometimes good sometimes not so good. But it sounds like your in a place at the moment to handle them as they come. In what you wrote I sensed forgiveness and compassion even though you still don't quite fully "get" why things were the way they were. Since both my parents are gone there have been several times during therapy were I felt the needed to go back in time and understand things from their perspective or to ask questions and get validation or just more information to fill in some large gaps, but can't. IDK, I'm glad you're taking the time and enduring the challenges of going back with an open heart.

I totally agree with you Sunrise about the idea that inside we do know what we need to heal. I think a lot of times our unconscious mind or may it is our higher power is working in the background to help us create situations in which we get what we need to heal. For me an example of this came one morning when I saw a man from a distance who was suffering. I had compassion for him and even spoke up to defend how he was treated by others only later to be informed that he was an alcoholic who was kind of a regular nuisance to the community. The thing was for me in that moment when I saw him, I didn't care what his prior issues were, he simply needed help. What I realized in that moment was-"I actually had compassion for a drunk man!" My father was a drunk and that was something that I was never able to give him during his lifetime. But I can do it now, so there is a sense of healing there for me.

[skeksi]

To be able to see and hear that your mom realizes it should have been different for you--that she should have been different--is very powerful.

It's a shame and a sadness that we cant undo the traumas of being hurt and scared, but having them acknowledged is something. Her being able to see that she should have come to get you is what really stood out to me; it shows both that she understood how scared and alone you must have been, and how her role should have been to protect you on that walk.

You have a wonderful perspective on this. I am glad you had this conversation, this wonderful surprise that gives you a glimpse into a different picture.

[chaotic13]

Yes Skeksi, her mom saying she should have come to get her caught my eye too.

And of course Dad's comment: "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?" was classic! My parents always made the assumption that the older boys would see to it that I got home safe.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

My dad said, "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?"

And you were supposed to figure that out at the age of 4? Wonderful

Originally Posted by chaotic13

And of course Dad's comment: "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?" was classic!

Thanks Ocean Wave and chaotic. The comment from my Dad was a total non sequitur, especially as it occurred when my Mom and I were making forays into meaningful conversation. Get with the program, Dad!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Sunrise, regret and shame follow us forever and your conversation enable your parents to say something that I think has been on their minds a long time. When our kids are grown, we have lots of time for reflection and an ability to be more honest with ourselves because the child is grown now, we don't have to figure out what to 'do' about our parenting, just be brave to take a look at it.

I think this was a gift you gave them, the ability to say out loud something that they may not have even realized at the time, when you were 4 1/2, but may have realized much much later.

Thanks for those sharing those thoughts, ECHOES. I find a lot of truth in your words, and healing too. I do think it was very brave of my Mom to open up the dialog with her first comment about my being scared of her.

I hope to be able to respond later to some of the other comments people have made. Thank you all!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sunny )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

Reading your story was very odd for me because it was very much like/unlike my situation at that age.

I lived across the street from Normie Huff (presumably "Norman"? :-) and he and I were the same age and boyfriend/girlfriend from the age of 3 and I couldn't wait to go to school/kindergarten together with him. However, he ended up going to morning kindergarten and I had afternoon or we went to different schools, something; I remember watching him get on the bus that first morning and being so sad and anxious (I don't remember how I got to school). So your father's wondering why you didn't go with the boy across the street, made me wonder too (I have 3 older brothers but don't remember the next older being in that school with me at that time, as I think he probably was; my father remarried and our family moved across town to my stepmother's house only two or three months into kindergarten).

But the walking to/from school and being afraid of your mother was poignant to me because I use to wander at that same age, alone, during the day; presumably after school or during summer or something. I remember the maid, who was nominally supposed to be looking after me; my three older brothers were in school all day and my father was working all day; would find me when I wandered home and I'd have my head literally over resting on my shoulder (not quite that flexible anymore :-) and the maid would threaten me with telling my father and assure me that my father would punish me. But I never feared he was; the whole thing would mostly make me feel lonely. I only remember good memories of my father and that lack of fear of my father punishing me always puzzled me such that I once asked him if he punished me at that time or Margaret (the maid's name, same as mine) told, etc. He didn't remember specifically and "imagined" he may have spanked me occasionally but my feeling toward him as a three to five year old and then my memories of my stepmother, four to seven, are so very different. I can see where the "base" experiences I remember of myself and them "made sense" later.

I'm glad your parents ended up on the "same page" as you started, I can imagine that feels good, as sad/poignant as it is for the older sunrise to have to experience that young sunrise now. Even your father's distracted "why didn't you walk with the boy across the street?" probably feels like true him to you now and is almost equally as sad?

I would definitely make an appointment with T to tell him about this and get his understanding and validation! Why not?

[ECHOES]

She said, "I should have come to the school to meet you." My dad said, "why didn't you walk home with the boy who lived across the street?"

Sunny, I have been thinking about this, and particularly what your dad said kept sticking with me. I think because it sounds protective, like your mom's response but not as straightforward. It almost sounds as if he is saying "I wish you would have had someone to keep you safe on the way home from school" (like the boy across the street).

sunny, i've had a similar experience with my sister who is probably my main abuser (emotional abuse). she has taken responsibility for her actions and apologized and it means the world to me even though i still mostly avoid her because her behavior continues. i'm so glad you've had this experience with your mom. forgiveness is a beautiful but difficult thing. i think i'm still in process with it but i find it to be a path i want to walk.

[Ygrec23]

Dear sunrise,

I am impressed, very impressed, that your mom, even at this late date, recognizes what she did way back then, and that it was wrong. I don't know that most PC members ever get that kind of acknowledgment. I certainly didn't, and, of course, both my parents are long gone. It would seem to me that underneath your mom's frightening and cruel reactions to you when you were tiny, there was a feeling, understanding person. Or at least that she became so later and was able to understand what she had blotted out years before. I don't know that most people here with childhood problems similar to yours had parents who would be able to grow that much with passing years. I'm glad that you were able to hear these kinds of things from your own mom and dad. Take care.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

I am impressed, very impressed, that your mom, even at this late date, recognizes what she did way back then, and that it was wrong.

Thank you, Ygrec. Loved everything you wrote. I think it is amazing what my mom said to me, and that she even did--did I dream it? I was not asking her to say that or admit that or anything. I just made a rather benign statement about how I should have told her when I used to get lost, and she responded as she did--with sorrow, remorse, and honesty.

Originally Posted by Ygrec

It would seem to me that underneath your mom's frightening and cruel reactions to you when you were tiny, there was a feeling, understanding person.

I don't know, but I hope so. How I feel about that mom from the past is that "she did the best she could." I came to this "understanding" a few years back in therapy, and it has allowed me to have compassion for her. I wonder if my finally coming to this point helped me give my mom space to say what she did? Maybe it wouldn't have been possible for her to say these things 10 or 20 years ago BECAUSE OF ME. I think it's very powerful to think how the changes one makes in oneself can have these ripple effects. I am not meaning to take credit for growth and change in my mother that may have occurred, but just acknowledging that maybe I did have a small role in my mom's stepping up to the plate. I was able to provide the plate, but the act of stepping up to it was all hers?