[lovelygirl]

Greetings, everyone!

I have been lurking here for a few weeks now and thought it was finally time to say hello. It's been really nice to see how much kindness and support there is from (and between) so many of you. I hope to contribute too!

If I may, I just wanted to share about where I am with T right now. I just started seeing a new one about six weeks ago. He was recommended by my former T, whom I saw for ten years; my former T and I finally agreed that we had done all the work we could do together and it was time for me to move on. So now it's the new guy, and it's HARD.

Don't get me wrong: new T is good, I can tell he's incredibly competent and thoughtful, and that helps me trust him. He's been supportive so far, even though we don't know each other very well yet. But honestly, I am feeling sad about how intense the boundaries are. With my former T, he would talk to me in between sessions if I was in crisis; he would hug me after a session; I felt his love and deep caring for me. With new T, no phone calls except regarding appointments; no self-disclosure on his part (he just asks me why I asked); no touch (he actually backs away from the door when I'm walking out, as if I'm going to lunge for a hug).

I knew this about him going in, so it's not like I'm caught by surprise. But the more vulnerable I feel in there, the more we talk about things that hurt so much and leave me raw at the end of a session, the harder it is to go without what I used to have, like my old T's smile or reassuring words or hand on my shoulder, and the knowledge that I could call him if I really needed to. New T's philosophy is pretty much that comfort/nurturing needs should be met outside therapy, which makes me miss that small bit of comfort I used to get with former T...not to mention the safety I felt knowing that he cares about me so much.

I decided that for next week, I'm going to ask my boyfriend to come over in the evening after therapy is over, and let him take care of me a bit. He's very supportive, so I think that will help. Plus writing about it all really makes a difference, I can tell already.

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening. And feel free to throw in your two cents. Do you ever feel deprived of care/nurturing/support in T, and what do you do about it?

I hope everyone is well tonight--good to be here.

[rhcpchance]

Hello lovelygirl! I'm new here also

[Suratji]

Well, that's tough such a change. I don't blame you for feeling deprived. Since I'm new to therapy I haven't had such an experience. I wish you well in figuring this out. Sorry that I have no ideas about this. Too bad you had to leave your old T.

[darkrunner]

Hi Lovely, and welcome! I'm glad you posted.

I'm using my phone right now so I can't write much, but I wanted to let you know I read you post. It sounds hard to change Ts after so long, so I feel for ya.

Originally Posted by lovelygirl

Greetings, everyone! I have been lurking here for a few weeks now and thought it was finally time to say hello. It's been really nice to see how much kindness and support there is from (and between) so many of you. I hope to contribute too!

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening. And feel free to throw in your two cents. Do you ever feel deprived of care/nurturing/support in T, and what do you do about it?

I hope everyone is well tonight--good to be here.

Welcome lovelygirl ~ I am glad that you decided to post and join us! As to your question about feeling deprived of care/nurturing/support in therapy, I did go through that a bit. I didn't understand why she didn't comfort me AT ALL when I finally broke down and cried. She just sat there in silence.

I asked her about it, and once we worked through the reasons why she doesn't do that, I am okay (I guess). I am not a very huggy person, but I was taken aback that when I was completely broken in front of her, there was no real response. She did give me 'quiet support', I just did not recognize it at the time.

Changing to no contact between sessions may just be a deal breaker for me. That is super hard! I am sorry that you are going through that. Maybe this is part of the therapy for you? I noticed you have been in therapy for 10 years. Sometimes we don't understand why therapists do things. This may be his nature (boundary), but it may also be in your best interest.

I am guessing here, because I don't know your story. Stay with us so that we can get to know you better and help you more.

((((((((((lovelygirl)))))))))))

I'm glad you posted

That does sound like a hard switch! I love the self-care that you're doing...writing about it, and asking your boyfriend to come over. It feels so good when T takes care of us, but I'm also learning that it can feel really good when we learn to take care of ourselves too. Good for you

[SpiritRunner]

Welcome! I'm glad you posted, too.
A switch like that would be hard.....it sounds like there's a lot of differences to adjust to. I don't have lots of contact with my T between session, which is fine with me; but the thought of no hugs at the end of session like my T does if I ask makes me feel like this . So I understand that that is a loss for you.
Yes, we need to find our main source of comfort/nurture outside of therapy.....but a little bit in therapy is so helpful and so healing, too. But maybe in time with this T you'll find little things about him or his manner that are comforting and reassuring in their own way?
I, too, like your idea of self-care and am glad you have someone who is supportive and willing to take care of you, too.

[rainbow8]

Hi, lovelygirl. I have a question. You said that after 10 years you and your T decided it's time to move on. Why? Do you need something in particular that the new T can provide that your old T can't? Is the "no touch", no contact in between sessions something that your old T thinks you need to have in order to heal? If not, or even if it is, why did you have to switch? If you liked your former T's style, why do you want to see someone who won't be like him? Is he a specialist in something you need?

I hope you don't mind my questions. I am just trying to understand why you are giving up what sounds like a good fit with a T for someone who doesn't seem to fit your needs.

[inbloom]

Hi and welcome!! I am pretty new as well, and am glad that you also decided to stop lurking.

I can sort of relate to what you have described....but maybe in a smaller way??? I saw a T for about a year way back before I began with the T who I am currently with. He was very available to me....like, would let me call him at home until 11pm at night if I needed too. He also had a phone in his office that we could call if it was an emergency, and he would interrupt session to answer it. My current T (the one I switched too) has much more rigid boundaries. He does allow phone calls but only during certain times (unless it is a crazy emergency). He also is just much less available, which was a hard adjustment for me. I do think that he is an excellent therapist, though, and so I sort of just take the good with the bad, knowing that the positive outweighs the negative, so to speak. I will add, that he has become much warmer as time has progressed.

Good luck with this new T. Feel free to share more about the experience and transition here!

[lovelygirl]

"I have a question. You said that after 10 years you and your T decided it's time to move on. Why? Do you need something in particular that the new T can provide that your old T can't? Is the "no touch", no contact in between sessions something that your old T thinks you need to have in order to heal? If not, or even if it is, why did you have to switch? If you liked your former T's style, why do you want to see someone who won't be like him? Is he a specialist in something you need?"

First, thanks so much to everyone for your kind messages and welcome! It's nice to be here.

So, about those questions. I needed to move on from my old T for some time before I actually did. Despite the fact that he is very nurturing and loves me, I simply wasn't able to get at the stuff I need to work on. He has a very loose, easy style (while maintaining appropriate, but not rigid, therapeutic boundaries); this style was good for me toward the beginning of our work, when I was working on feeling safe with men and on early trauma. But now, I need a bit more structure, I need someone who is able to challenge me more and keep me focused on the areas of my life I want to improve now. And I just couldn't do that with old T.

Even though I have trouble with the distance/boundary aspect of new T's style, he is VERY smart and doesn't let me use humor or chit-chat as an avoidance tactic like I often did with old T. He keeps me right in the work we really need to be focusing on, and that's critical for me in a T now. So it's a trade-off I need to make...but that doesn't mean I'm not sad about the loss of the warmth and connection I felt with old T.

Maybe I've made new T seem like a cold fish, which he isn't at all. He's especially kind when I'm talking about something hard. Also, it's early days yet--over time there may be more of a sense of connection with new T. Time will tell.

I hope that makes sense! I'm SURE I'll be posting about how it's going. Thanks so much to you all for being here! Take good care of yourselves and enjoy the day.

[mixedup_emotions]

Welcome, and I'm happy you're here!

I can understand how upsetting it is to have such a drastic change in style that affects the level of comfort you get. My T also does not do any kind of touch in therapy, but he shows me his caring in other ways. I hope your new T is able to give you what you need in other ways to help you work through difficult things. I absolutely love that you are getting your needs met with your boyfriend instead. That's a very healthy way of self-care.

[inbloom]

Wow! I give you so much credit for recognizing the need to move on in your healing by getting a new T. It's such a hard things to do, but I think that your reasoning makes a lot of sense. I am also someone that really needs to be pushed and challenged, so I really relate to you there.

I would guess that the *warmth* may increase as time goes on. This has been the case for me and my T. His boundaries are still very strong and clear, however, he has loosened up a lot in terms of the affection that he shows to me.

Glad you are here

[seventyeight]

New T's philosophy is pretty much that comfort/nurturing needs should be met outside therapy

I decided that for next week, I'm going to ask my boyfriend to come over in the evening after therapy is over, and let him take care of me a bit. He's very supportive, so I think that will help. Plus writing about it all really makes a difference, I can tell already.

hi lovely, i'm so impressed that in such a short period of time, your new therapist's philosophy is totally working! good for you for giving it a try, and not fighting it. i think if you can adjust to it, it sounds like ultimately this will work well for you.

[lovelygirl]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

hi lovely, i'm so impressed that in such a short period of time, your new therapist's philosophy is totally working! good for you for giving it a try, and not fighting it. i think if you can adjust to it, it sounds like ultimately this will work well for you.

Ha, seventyeight, you're totally right! My new T said at the end of our session this week that I can't do the work we're doing without more support, and it was like a light bulb going off in my head. Of course I need support! So if it's not going to come from T between sessions, it's gotta come from elsewhere. (So here I am!) Thanks for putting that together for me.