Part 2 of to tell T or not to tell...

Well My T is away for the weekend but i did send her a text last night telling her that I was having a very difficult time with my homework that she assigned me. I am supposed to make a list of all of the things that I appreciate about myself. Eek/Yuck, I also told her how I have come to the realization that I am not a very happy person and that I am hearing the voices again. I didn't come right out and tell her that I was having SUI thoughts but just that I am having a bad time,

She replied today saying that I need to learn what other people (my friends) think about me and to use that to help me with my list and that she would talk to me soon,

I am glad that she replied because I needed to hear from her but ofcourse I never told her the real issue. I don't know if I should text her what is really going on or if I should wait and call her on Monday.. Any thoughts??

if you are having those thoughts and want to share them and want help, then tell her. if they are just thoughts without an action plan then perhaps wait. but i would err on the side of caution and tell her.... imho.

take care.

I copy and paste the positive things that people on PC say about me. I frequently read them aloud to myself. In fact, I have a couple of pages to take with me to session on Monday.

Many of us know deep down that we have very good qualities and that we are pretty terrific, awesome people! But we don't accept it because our negative self images and thoughts over power the positive ones. There is an imbalance that keeps us constantly sliding down that slippery slope into negative opinions of ourselves.

Maybe you can do what I am doing. Go back through your posts and copy down all the great things your PC friends say about you. I am sure there are many!

(((((PTSDlovemycats)))))) I sense you would feel stronger by waiting until Monday to talk with your T. You can do it. Can you think about things from the past to help you do your homework?

Thanks Squiggle, that is a great idea i will try that. Hopefully you are right and there are some nice comments about me...

Thanks WePow. I will try that as well.

Well i looked through all my posts and replys Squiggle but I didn't have any nice comments. -sigh-

Here is one for you: You never give you. You are a fighter. :-)

Hi, PTSD! We haven't met, so I can't specifically give positive comments, but I can tell you that you are cared for here. How are you doing?

Thanks, I am doing a little better and thanks for asking..

PTSD, I think your posts are thoughtful and I enjoy reading them. And you have the cutest most awesome hysterically funny avatar EVER!! meow. I wonder where you found it.

Awe, Thanks so much learning1. That means so much to me! I am glad that you enjoy reading my posts. Yea it really is about my avatar...It was one of the selections that was available when I was choosing my avatar. I guess I lucked out with it! It is quite the conversation topic at times. It's either an avid dancer or an excessively compulsive exerciser. Lol.

Here's a positive comment for you - I think you are caring, and clearly dedicated to working hard in your therapy. You are committed to becoming more self-aware and insightful and you're willing to accept others' insight and help, too. Those are true things, and good things, about you!

Poetgirl76 -Thank you so much for the kind words. That was verey sweet of you to do that for me. You guys are really helping me with my homework now. Greatly appreciated!!

Well I finally see my T tomorrow. I wasn't able to talk to her on the phone at all this weekend because she was away...I did survive though. Still contemplating whether to tell her or not...

I'm proud of you for making it through! I think if you tell her your struggle, she will be proud of you for making it safely through, too! She needs to know you had the thoughts, and she needs to know how you coped with them....if you struggled, but coped in a positive way with the struggle, this is a victory that your T will be glad to share in with you, I think!

Poetgirl. Thanks so much and you are right. I will probably tell my T when I see her this afternoon.

How did it go? Did you tell her?

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING RE: SI

Well I saw my T today. It was only supposed to be for an hour but I ended up seeing her for 2.5hrs! Longest session ever! We had to take a break and go to Starbucks to recharge. According to her I appeared to need a latte. Oh T, Lol.

Well overall I would say that it was a good session. Kind of all over the place. We talked about my current relationship with my boyfriend and the need for me to tell him about my nigt "issues" and trying to come up with ways to tell him as he wants me to spend the weekend at his place and I am not sure if I am able to go through with it or not. I just don't know what to say and how to explain it to him...We also talked about my homework that she gave me last week. I was supposed to make a list of things that I appreciate and another list about things that I appreciate about myself. The second one was EXTREMELY hard for me as you guys know but I was able to come up with a few things and she said that she was both proud of me for trying and also for coming up with some things as well.

We talked about some of the positives going on in my life right now and how hard it is for me to focus on the positive. I told her I woke up at 5am last night distraught about things that happened to me and how things continued to constantly go down hill with no improvement for about 15yrs and why nobody was able to see that something was wrong or were able to help me. She talked about needing to stay positive and everytime I have a thought that is questionable to ask myself would I say that to a small child? If the answer is no, then throw the thought away immediately.

I told her that I started cutting again last week. I was worried that she might dismiss it or spin the postive on me again but she didn't. She said "OK, well you had stopped cutting yourself for awhile so what was it that you did then that helped you through it?" So we talked about it for a bit. I also said that I had missed cutting and she said that it was because cutting and my purging have become an addiction for me. I also was scared to tell her that I like to cut for fear of her reaction. I know that it is wrong but I can't really help the fact that I like doing it but I didn't know how to tell her so I asked her the quesiton "Is it bad if someone likes to cut?" (I didn't think that it would be) and she said "Yes, it is bad to like cutting, it is bad, why?" so I stared at the carpet and said in my child's voice "I think I like cutting...." and let my voice kind of trail off. She responded nicely which I was really happy about. She explained to me that I probably don't like the actual idea of cutting but I get something from the act of cutting, A physical release and feeling as though I am in control of avoiding negative emotions. She also said that I have a lot of shame and embarassment with my cutting so she knows that it isn't really that I like cutting. I didn't think I had any shame with my SI so I asked her about that and she asked "How do you feel about the scars on your arms and legs? How do you feel if someone asks about your SI? Are you proud of it?" It was then that I immediately knew what she was talking about. She also asked me what would I do if I saw a small child SI'ing? Would I ignore it or would I want to try and help them?" This was like the positive/negative question again. So it is a work in progress but I think today was a very good, productive, and honest session.

Sorry for the small novel but a 2.5hr session means that there was a lot talked about with me anyway, Didn't mention the SUI thoughts but did mention the SI thoughts and since I am hardly having any SUI thoughts I am happy with what I did tell her. However if I do have anymore SUI thoughts I will be a lot more comfortable approaching the topic,

Thanks for all your help guys, I really appreciate it!

I bet you weren't expecting a small novel were you? Lol.

Has anyone else ever had a therapy session for this long before??

Nope! Never had one more than an hour....except for once when T gave me 15 more minutes because she was wanting to make sure I was safe and would stay safe.....
I am glad it was a good session and that you had so much time to talk about all the things you needed to talk about. Your T's responses sound positive, helpful, compassionate....and I'm happy you could be so honest with her.

I have had some "double sessions" before--so about 2 hours. She should certainly have seen that you were struggling, since you were wise to mention the cutting desires. I am glad that she stayed with you so long! And it does sound like you and she have a good relationship, so I'm sure she WILL want to hear about any SUI thoughts should they reappear. I am so proud of you for getting through and hanging in here! But I know what it is to have SUI thoughts and it isn't anything to be ashamed off....They just happen, sometimes just chemically and/or because of stressful events. (Speaking of such, I wouldn't let your boyfriend pressure you. Okay?)

Payne- Thank you so much! and yes my T and I have a great relatonship with each other.

Wow, sounds like a great session! That's awesome that your T was able to give you 2.5 hours. I am scheduled for 45 minutes...and it's like clockwork. T always has someone leaving right before me and coming in right after me.

I'm glad you shared about the cutting and that you were able to gain some insight about it. I too have cut - in my teen years, then again about 2 years ago - and most recently a few weeks ago when T and I had that major rupture and I was so incredibly out of control. It's sporadic, thankfully, but it's not hard for those urges to come back.

I am glad you feel more connected with your T and feel able to address the SUI if it comes up again.