(((I'm not sure if I should put a trigger warning on this. I talk a bit about dissociating but no specifics about triggers))))
--
So maybe I wasn't being sarcastic when I said this could be the best week of my life, despite all the triggers and having to see my abusers next week.

I was horribly triggered yesterday. Body memories all day long in waves. They just wouldn't stop.

I reached out to both oldT (emailed but she didn't write me back) and newT (emailed and she did write me back last night) and I saw newT today for a 2-hr session.

When I walked in, I asked her to turn her clock so I couldn't see it. She put the clock away. We talked about the email and I almost immediately launched into talking about the memory that came up. And I dissociated....but in a good way. As in, it felt good not to be there fully. I felt like I was hiding and it felt safer to be in a dark place while I talked.

I could hear and see T but she was far away, but I told her I was okay...I just needed to be "over here" for a little while, hiding. I said I was cold, and she gave me a blanket.

She let me stay that way for a while and then she encouraged me to come back and be with her, and slowly I came back. I was embarrassed when I came back. I had been sitting there under the blanket hugging myself tightly like a child, almost in a fetal position. But very still.

Yet, at the same time, I knew I felt safe. And T reassured me that I was safe and that I had no reason to be embarrassed. We talked about what it feels like to dissociate. She said she has dissociated in therapy too and it felt very similar to what I described. She told me I'm not crazy at all. I am a survivor, and this is how I survived.

I have to see my abuser soon, and I'm doubting my memories. I asked new T if I'm making everything up and she said she in no way believes I've made anything up.

We talked about how to get through this next week and she said she plans to email me or call and check in 2x a day if I need it.

I started to panic about the time and how long I'd been dissociating. I asked her what time is it? And she said "you have plenty of time. don't worry about the time." which was soothing to hear.

I just feel like she got it right. And I managed to say a tiny bit of what I need (hiding the clock and feeling cold, etc.) And she didn't have to ask me this time "what do you need"? She knew and she offered.

It was SUCH a relief.

THEN, I go to my car and check my messages and there's a long email from oldT full of validation and support. Like bursting at the seams. She talked about how my abusers did not validate or support me and how she will always validate and support me. Just amazing.

During session, I told new T that I had emailed oldT and I was worried she would be mad or discourage me from leaning on oldT, but it was just the opposite. She said she is so happy for me that oldT is staying in my life and that I deserve all the support she offers me.

I feel exhausted, but very full.

[Suratji]

Very happy for you that it went well today. Sometimes things really do work out and we can get the support we need and deserve.

[Sweetlove]

That actually sounds very cleansing. I sort of disassociated last week and he said "are you here?"...and I was half there and half not, but I was ok with it because it allowed me to FEEL things I probably wouldn't allow myself to feel had I been guarded and grounded.

I also want to thank you for saying you asked her to turn the clocks around. I have been watching the clock like crazy lately and so aware of the time, that I don't get into much because I feel like I have to get through my 'mental agenda' for the day. He is always saying "Oh god, she's looking at the clock" or "Stop it!" So, next time I am going to turn the clocks around and just let go! Thank you

[SpiritRunner]

so happy for you! how wonderful that you have such good support from both oldT and newT; your newT really does sound wonderful!

[WePow]

BIG hugs to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow - what a session you had!

What I wanted to share is that I do understand about how hard it is to have body memories and doubt them... and then have to face your abuser... all while dealing with DID. If you read some of my past posts, I sense you will see yourself in many of them.

What I want to offer you is what my T offered me... "That kind of pain is not faked. It is not something someone just dreams up. It is very real and has a real source."

You will doubt the memories and the flashbacks. You will doubt yourself. But all of that is a vital part of the healing. It was denial that allowed you to stay alive inside yourself as a child. Just allow that to be what it is. At the same time, trust what your T tells you. I had to ask my T about a hundred times if I was making it up or my mind was playing tricks on me - all of those questions. In fact, the reason I ended up with the T I have is because I wanted to go to a T who was a certified psychological examiner. I wanted someone who would know how to read my mind even if I didn't.

Your T knows what to look for in these things. Your T knows you are being honest. The experiences you have with needing to dissociate and being hidden are all valid. You CAN NOT fake what you are going through right now. My T told me that some people have tried and it is "obvious" ... There is a difference that they know how to spot because of their training and experience. I hope that lets you find a little more comfort because that helped me when I was at that stage of healing.

More hugs to you! You are doing this. You are healing. And there IS hope and light at the end of trauma healing. Latch onto your T with both hands and keep being honest. Your T will be there for you.

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW!!!!! I am BEAMING that you got such wonderful support from BOTH T's!!! And at this critical time for you too....AWESOME!!

I've had some super awful moments of dissociating....body memories...flashbacks....and I, too, sometimes doubt the realness of what happened. T has never doubted me, but I've doubted me. So, I get that. I really do.

thank you for the supportive responses. really, it feels so good to share this with you all.

I just want to clarify that I don't have DID...I don't say that out of any judgment or anything. Just to clarify my story. I do have PTSD and have dissociated like that a few times in therapy. It's like I'm half there? The best I can describe is like being underwater or under a thin blanket or gauze. I'm aware of where I am. When T says "can you feel your feet?" I can feel my feet, but I can't necessarily move them right away.

Thanks for saying this kind of pain can't be faked. That is helpful to hear. I was told SO SO many times growing up that I was making things up or "exaggerating" whenever I'd complain the tiniest bit about what was done to me.

I'm glad I'm not alone in the self-doubt either.

[WePow]

(((((((((((Griffinp))))))))))))) BIG hugs!!!!

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I want to hug you too. Because I do relate and get SO MUCH out of all your posts and I feel your support. Thank you.

((((((((((((griffin)))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for sharing your session.

It's so amazing that so often when we are willing to really be vulnerable, we receive the gift of care and love and nurturing that we so so need. I know that I am TERRIFIED so often to talk about the bad things with T...but when I let myself go there, even through the dissociation and confusion and pain, I can feel the safety and warmth that he surrounds me with. I think that's how our deepest wounds are healed.

Your T sounds amazing. She was right there with you...and I love that she is so supportive of your relationship with your old T. And I LOVE that your old T left the message for you that she did.

I hope that even though it hurts, you can really FEEL the love that surrounds you. Because you deserve that.

[Elysium]

(((((Griffinp)))))

I don't have much to give tonight but I wanted to say thank you for sharing, and I'm glad that both old T and new T could be there to offer you the support and validation that you need and deserve.

I'm here and I'm listening!!

[peridot28]

Wow griffin, this is a beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. I'm so happy you had such an amazing session. Your T sounds like a true keeper. :-).

I understand your feelings of thinking you made it all up. I ask my T for validation about my abuse at every session, which is twice a week. I ask her if she believes me. I told her I hold back a lot of my abuse memories because they are so horrific and I'm scared she won't believe me. She always assures me I'm not making it up and that she definitely believes me.

You definitely are not alone with your fears. There are lots of us here that share the same fears and we understand. You are doing amazing work and I truly am so, so very proud of you, griffin. I love that you asked for what you needed. I think as survivors of abuse we learned to stuff or hide our needs in an effort to save ourselves from being punished and abused again.

Big, big hugs to you, friend: ((((((((((griffin))))))))))

thank you guys. truly. thank you so much.

today I'm overcome with a big, BIG sadness. my bones literally ache with the weight of it. but I don't have time or space today to let it out. it's huge. I can feel it.

I need to work now and take care of my kids, but I really want to go back to T's office under the blanket. I want to go back to that hiding place.

Originally Posted by griffinp

today I'm overcome with a big, BIG sadness. my bones literally ache with the weight of it. but I don't have time or space today to let it out. it's huge. I can feel it.

I need to work now and take care of my kids, but I really want to go back to T's office under the blanket. I want to go back to that hiding place.

I can relate to this SO much, griffin. When T covered me with a blanket today, it was like this big pile of SAFE. Safe to feel, safe to be loved, safe to just BE.

I'm sorry you feel so sad. I'm never sure if the busyness of my life after therapy appointments is a good thing - because I just can't get too lost in all of it - or a bad thing - because I can't rest and FEEL what I need to feel. It's probably a little bit of both.

Wishing you peace, and space to feel what you need to feel

[embracinglife]

thats a very nice and comforting story. I'm glad you have a t that is so supportive of you, and that you can keep in touch with your old T too Its such a beautiful story