[DelusionsDaily]

Don't worry it isn't directed at anyone here. I am so mad at myself for being so vulnerable and needy in T. I hate myself for talking about the one quote in the book I am reading that I really wanted to avoid. Ihate that talking about that one quote put me in such a tailspin that I had to schedule an extra session tomorrow(monday). I hate that I had to run into HER when that is the last thing I needed. I dont know why I am writing this guess I just needed to vent a little. I really think all this anger is to cover up how raw and exposed I still feel after wednesday session. ICK I know this probably means that I am doing good work as my T tells me but it is just so painful.

[WePow]

(((((Melisssa))))))

There is nothing wrong with an extra session when it is needed. In fact, the wrong thing would be to not get one, if you are able and capable to get one, when it is needed. You did a good job by asking for that extra session.

Keep on being honest about your emotions and how the quote made you feel. There is a reason this hit you the way it did. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some emotional space to be in this place right now. It is painful to do this type of work, but it will heal you from the inside out.

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks wepow for the encouragement. Somewhere inside I know I did the right thing by getting this extra session. Between the quote and running into HER(sick,sick lady from my past) we will be very busy tomorrow in T. As far as the emotional space I dont have a choice I feel inside emotionally like when one opens a can and it explodes crap everywhere. And I am trying to be gentle but I am not very good at that...I always end up beating myself up for something.

[rainbow8]

((((((Melisssa))))))

I hope your session tomorrow helps you. I know the feeling when you say or do something in therapy and you wish you hadn't but you know it's going to be instrumental in your healing. The quote must be very important to you. I know therapy is painful. I'm experiencing that too, but it means we're making progress!!!

In your other thread, you mentioned running into HER. I thought you meant your T! I'm sorry you ran into someone from your past who triggered you. I hope your T helps you with that situation too.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks Rainbow. I had a feeling thats what people were thinking thats why I clarified it. yeah tomorrow is going to be a very busy and hopefully productive session. We got alot to cover...yeesh how exhausting all this is.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Melissa I hope that you have a good session with your T tomorrow. Be gentle with yourself! Would you talk the way that you are talking about yourself to a small child? -I doubt it. Start questioning your thoughts when you start making negative comments about yourself and apply what you would say to the child instead. I bet that it is a lot nicer!

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks cats. tomorrows(monday) session will be good I have done quite a bit of journaling the last few days and Im bringing it with me. So I cant freeze up and not go where I know I need to. You are so right the stuff I say to myself is not anything I would say to a child. Thats probably something I really should start doing. Thanks again.

[PTSDlovemycats]

No worries, that is what my T said to me not too long ago. It really hit home for me as my job is teaching young children, I would definitely lose my job if I ever uttered a single one of my thoughts and directed them towards a child. We all need to learn to be kind to ourselves. It's like that old saying. Treat others how you would like to be treated, but in this case it is treat yourself like you treat others.

[DelusionsDaily]

yeah I get that too...I worked in a daycare for a while at one time. Well I did do something for me that is good in all this anger...I sent HER a message on facebook(no she is not my friend though but a friend of a friend) to stay away from me...not talk to me or in any way acknowledge my existence when we are in the same building(she goes to the same church as my parents) because from now on that is exactly what I intend to do to her IGNORE HER. She was crazy and very sick and I have alot of healing to do from that too but one thing at a time. I am NOT a violent person in anyway but I kinda wished I had punched that smirk right off her face when I looked up to say hi so she would go away. LOL!!! I need T tomorrow I have done lost my mind....eh well she will help me find it again.

[karebear1]

I think I can feel your anger coming through the computer! I would be surprised if she ever tried to contact you again. I don't know your story, but I'm sorry it brings up so much turmoil for you. I love that you have been journaling all this emotion over the weekend. I wish I could do that. I believe it could be so helpful, but when I sit down to write, the words simply disapper from my head. I'll bet you'll have a very productive session with your T this week. Good work!

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks karebear. I really hope she gets the point I dont know how much clearer I could possibly be. I just hope T and I resolve some of this...and I dont end up in more pain instead but my T is really good at digging and sometimes I dont like it. Ha! Thats her job because it helps make sure everything is out and we are dealing with all the cards. Well now it is just a waiting game...now thats really not fun but I can make a couple hours till I see her. You all are wonderful thanks for the support.

[karebear1]

You and T will resolve this because you don't want any part of it anymore. It probably will mean more pain, but think about how good it will be to get it out of there for good. ( I really need to repeat all this back to myself before my next appointment!) At least you can address it today and not have to wait any longer- right? Waiting is definetly the hard part. Please let us know how it goes for you today.

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks karebear. I will let you know how it goes...an hor till the appointment and Im getting alll nervous and stuff. goodness my emotions have been all over the place these last couple days. Im exhausted. I feel a meltdown coming on but it probably wont happen. Well Im just gonna sit and chill till the appt. if thats possible.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

thanks karebear. I will let you know how it goes...an hor till the appointment and Im getting alll nervous and stuff. goodness my emotions have been all over the place these last couple days. Im exhausted. I feel a meltdown coming on but it probably wont happen. Well Im just gonna sit and chill till the appt. if thats possible.

I hope your session goes/went well. Please try to have some empathy and compassion for yourself as you process this.

Anyone would be upset given what you've been through. You don't have to be a one woman army here. It's okay to be upset and express it.

I think you are very strong.

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks. Im really horrible at being kind and caring to myself at times like this...I want to be better now!!!! I am so used to having to do this myself so much so it took me over a year to really let T help me. And I almost started crying again reading your post ellie...I refuse!!!! atleast till I get in Ts office. anyway almost time to go in see you all when I get out if I live through it.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

thanks. Im really horrible at being kind and caring to myself at times like this...I want to be better now!!!! I am so used to having to do this myself so much so it took me over a year to really let T help me. And I almost started crying again reading your post ellie...I refuse!!!! atleast till I get in Ts office. anyway almost time to go in see you all when I get out if I live through it.

The one woman army thing always get me too. Take good good good good care.

Thinking of you.

[DelusionsDaily]

UPDATE ON SESSION:

So I didnt bring up the quote thing...we talked completely about running into HER. Mainly coming to the conclusion that I was still avoiding making the connection to why I was feeling the way I was. So she wants me to write HER a letter about the good the bad how i felt and bring it in in the next couple weeks.

That means thursday I have to bring up my issues about that last quote from last week.

And so the work continues...

[karebear1]

UGH! ((((MelisssaD81))))

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks Karebear. I dont wanna write the letter. good??? all I see is the bad, the ugly and the even uglier. I trust T so I am gonna do it maybe if I do it it wont feel like a big block to the stuff I was already working. I guess Im just feeling really icky.