I thought that subject line would catch your attention! Pull up a chair and join in on my victory party!

Here I go again. I seem to jump from one emotion/feeling about therapy to the extreme opposite. Let me tell you that today's session was FABULOUS!! I could not be happier.

Of course, I went in with anxiety strangling me. The blank stare. The, "I am not going to talk to you today, so back off!!" Yes, I was rolling my eyes when she brought up the same old thing that we have talked about 1,000 times! Yes, I was trying my best to ignore her, yet screaming on the inside, "Don't give up on me. Keep talking."

I copied some of the posts that I have done on PC over the past week. The ones about "being pushed out of the nest too soon", "I don't think I can do this anymore", and "How can I forgive myself?"

We talked (again) about my fear of being terminated (abandoned). She once again reassured me that she was NOT going to do that. She does do long term therapy, and she does not have any plans of retiring or moving anytime soon. She hesitated and stared at me for what seemed like eternity! I guess she was making sure that I was letting that sink in and I was really believing it.

I talked with her about my relationship with her. The whole attachment thing that I am determined NOT to have with her. She asked me what my definition of attachment was. I told her that meant that I was not able to function with out her, I would be obsessed and co-dependent with her, I would see her as a part of me (like my right arm or something). In other words, I see attachment as way too strong of a word for me to use.

She asked me if I felt better saying we have a 'bond'. I told her that was too strong as well. She went on to explain that in therapy, there must be a strong level of trust in order for therapy to be successful. She said that other than my immediate family, she was probably the only other person that I shared very intimate and personal things with.

We talked about this for awhile. A LONG time, until I felt comfortable with our relationship. Yes, I even looked her in the eyes!! That is a downright miracle to be talking about my relationship with her, and be able to look at her while I was talking.

I talked more today than I have in the past 2 months. I am not sure why it was different, but praise the Lord it was. Can I say I had a breakthrough moment?? YEP, I sure can.

She then went on to address why I do not feel that I deserve to be in therapy, and why I still cannot forgive myself for mistakes I have made. I hate this part of therapy! Since I cannot seem to do that, she suggested we do the 'empty chair' exercise. I was like, "There is no way in (hell) I am going to do that!"

She asked me why? I said, "I would be totally weirded out!" She explained to me how it works and said that many clients have had major breakthroughs using this exercise. She could tell that I was not buying into it at all. She asked, "Will you think about it?"

I don't know. I just don't know if I can be that vulnerable with anyone.

I talked with her about the possibility that I might have BPD. She got out her book and read through the symptoms with me. We addressed each one. She somewhat ruled out that I had BPD, but said that I had 'traits' of it.

As you can (hopefully) tell, I am so happy that I was able to communicate with her today. What a relief! I did talk with her last session, but it was nothing like today.

In the beginning, I was defiant and a bit argumentative, but we worked through that. It doesn't seem to phase her one bit no matter what kind of attitude I bring to session. That is odd for me to be able to just express how I feel, and not worry that I am offending someone or disrespecting her.

She even sat with me and scheduled my appointments for the rest of June. We even have a couple of weeks that I will go twice weekly! This is something I had requested since I am out of school. I may regret that, but I at least wanted to try it and see if it helps me.

She went ahead and told me that she would be taking the last week of June off for her vacation. She even gave me a Monday appointment (the day before she leaves) so that there would not be too much time between sessions. I think I am the only client she is seeing that day. Does that make me feel special? YES, it sure does.

I am sure I will come up with more to post later on. I am just so happy at the moment that I felt I had to jump in here and tell you all about it before I exploded with joy! Sometimes I think I am fickle as they come. One time I start a thread about how great therapy is, and the next time I start a thread about how miserable I am being in therapy!

That's okay. If you look at all the negative/sad posts, compared to the positive/happy posts in here, the negative/sad far outweigh the positive/happy ones. Maybe we all need to be sure and post the good things about therapy, as well as, all the hard times we go through? I know I am so guilty of talking about all my struggles so much more than my victories.

[swimmergirl]

YAY Squiggle! (((((Squiggle))))

So so proud of you. Glad the session went well. Your emoticons made me smile, the blah blah blah was my favorite. I use that all the time. It's okay to be fickle with your emotions. I noticed mine have been way more intense since I am in therapy and I think part of that is that I am much more aware of them, they are surfacing, and I am processing them.
I hate the empty chair thing too. When my T wanted to do that, I just had him be the other person or part of my mind I was talking to. Would you feel more comfortable with that?
I am really happy for you. Stick with this moment and remember it if you are feeling blue or frustrated.

[rainbow_rose]

This is awesome to hear, Squiggle! I'm so happy for you!!!!

Squiggle; I am sooo happy for you! You did great and I am glad your t was so helpful as well. Sounds like she really wants to help you!

Congratulations!

sending lots and lots of safe hugs!

[nannypat]

Go Squiggle !!! yea!!!!!!!!!

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Squiggle,

I am so, so pleased for you that you had a really great session, just as you deserve!! I'm glad to join your victory party! *pulls up a chair! * lol

It's great that you were able to share some of your posts from here with your Therapist and that it let her know what has been worrying you.

I am really glad your Therapist was able to put your mind at rest that she wasn't going to terminate your therapy, it sounds like she really wants you to understand that. She's not going anywhere and I think planning all your sessions for next month, giving the extra sessions and seeing you the day before her holiday are all ways she is trying to prove she is there for you.

I understand that your afraid to feel attached to your therapist, I am always afraid of that and try my best for it not to happen but it does. It kinds sounds like it has happened for you also on some level and that scares you but your therapist is right that the relationship is an important part of therapy.

Sometimes my T has said "if-----was here what would they say about you/what would you say about them?" sort of like the empty chair thing, its really interesting to think about, it sometimes helps, esp if you feel you can't say something to the actual person you want to. As your T said..its something to think about when your ready

It sounds like your T made you feel very safe today and that you feel really great about that, as you should

[Elli-Beth]

What's the empty chair thing?

[*doodles*]

SO happy for you!!! Thanks for sharing this, it made me smile AND gave me some hope

[ECHOES]

It doesn't seem to phase her one bit no matter what kind of attitude I bring to session.

Isn't this just a miracle in therapy!? After all the grief we go through, they are so gentle and accepting of us.

I am so happy to see you where you are, in such a wonderful place! It was a bumpy road to get there, but you forged ahead!!

[SpiritRunner]

what a GREAT session! thanks so much for sharing that with us. we need the victory songs as well as the sorrowful ones, to keep us all encouraged that this is worth it.
I am so proud of you for being able to talk so much and to look her in the eyes, too.
And how nice that she makes sure of you getting that app't before she is gone! That had to have eased your mind a whole lot about your fears to have her make a special gesture like that for you....

[WePow]

A w e s o m e !!!!!

Originally Posted by Elli-Beth

What's the empty chair thing?

Here is the long (professional version) of what empty chair means.

Gestalt Therapy: When the client expresses a conflict with another person, through this technique, the client is directed to talk to that another person who is imagined to be sitting in an empty chair beside or across the client. This helps the client to experience and understand the feeling more fully.

Thus, it stimulates your thinking, highlighting your emotions and attitudes. For example, the therapist may say, "Imagine your father in this chair (about 3 feet away), see him vividly, and, now, talk to him about how you felt when he was unfaithful to your mother."

There are innumerable other people, objects (your car or wedding ring), parts of your personality (critical parent, natural child, introversion, obsession with work), any of your emotions, symptoms (headaches, fatigue), any aspect of a dream, a stereotype (blacks, macho males, independent women), and so on that you can imagine in the empty chair.

The key is a long, detailed, emotional interaction--a conversation. You should shift back and forth between chairs as you also speak for the person-trait-object in the other chair. This "conversation" clarifies your feelings and reactions to the other person and may increase your understanding of the other person.

The short version: I will go into my session. She will have two chairs facing each other. We will discuss who I am going to talk to that day. She has suggested that I talk to my inner child (at the age of 16). I will visualize her sitting in the other chair. I will tell her how she has destroyed my life with her irrational decisions. I will tell her how angry I am with her. I will tell her that she has ruined my life, etc....

Then I will switch chairs and be Little Squiggle at the age of 16. I will tell Big Squiggle that I am sorry for what I did. I will tell Big Squiggle that I did not know that my actions would reap such long lasting consequences on my future, etc...

It sounds rather easy when I put it like this, but it is a very emotional, grueling thing to go through. I would think that I will be very emotional as I speak for Little and Big Squiggle. I really do not want to do this. Especially with my therapist watching me!

Maybe someone who has actually done this will jump in here and explain it better than I can.

Can I say how happy I am? Can I tell you that I feel a tremendous burden has been lifted? Would you believe me?

This is one part of therapy that I can get used to. The good times. The times that I am not focusing so much on my issues. The times that I can just sit and talk with her and not be so torn up with anxiety, fear, and panic.

Relaxing and enjoying this state of peace. Celebrating a great session!

[rainbow8]

Squiggle, I am so happy for you. Hearing about your wonderful session made me smile!!! It's hard to talk about your relationship with your T but you did it, looking into her eyes too. Great job! I'm so glad she reassured you that she is not going to abandon you! She's an excellent T.

Empty chair work sounds a little like IFS that I do. T has me visualize a part, usually a younger part, and asks me questions about how old she is, what she feels, etc. Then she asks "does that part know you're there (meaning ME, not my T). Then, she asks how I feel about that part. The idea is to hear that young part's story and feel compassionate toward her, and accept her, no matter what she did or felt.

Your T will help you with it. I think it's worth a try!

[googley]

That sounds like a great session Squiggle. I'm so happy for you.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Empty chair work sounds a little like IFS that I do. T has me visualize a part, usually a younger part, and asks me questions about how old she is, what she feels, etc. Then she asks "does that part know you're there (meaning ME, not my T). Then, she asks how I feel about that part. The idea is to hear that young part's story and feel compassionate toward her, and accept her, no matter what she did or felt.

Your T will help you with it. I think it's worth a try!

How did you get over feeling so weird/embarrassed to do it? She told me it would be awkward at first, but once I pushed through that, she feels it will be very healing for me.

Geez! I don't know if I can do that, though. What was your experience with EMDR and IFS?

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

YAY Squiggle! (((((Squiggle))))

So so proud of you. Glad the session went well. Your emoticons made me smile, the blah blah blah was my favorite. I use that all the time. It's okay to be fickle with your emotions. I noticed mine have been way more intense since I am in therapy and I think part of that is that I am much more aware of them, they are surfacing, and I am processing them.
I hate the empty chair thing too. When my T wanted to do that, I just had him be the other person or part of my mind I was talking to. Would you feel more comfortable with that?
I am really happy for you. Stick with this moment and remember it if you are feeling blue or frustrated.

Can you explain how your empty chair work was done? How often have you done it?

[mixedup_emotions]

My T is gestalt based, and T suggested earlier on in therapy that we do some empty chair work and I totally FREAKED. I mean - full blown panic attack, never wanted to go back to therapy FREAKED.....So....we never addressed that method again....and even now, 2 years later, I have no interest in doing empty chair work - even though I'm sure it has the potential to have extraordinary benefits to it....I just can't seem to get over the fear....We have done a teeny bit of role playing, but that's about it.

[mixedup_emotions]

To expand a little....

My T wanted me to do some empty chair work to confront abusers and to talk to my dad who passed away 4 years ago....

I've also had two experiences with the role playing....One was in group T when someone played the role of a friend of mine who I was having difficulty expressing my feelings with (narcissistic, borderline).

And more recently, I was struggling with my "internal critic" and T suggested that I let him be my internal critic so that I can listen and express what my body was trying to say. I had a very difficult time detaching my brain from my body, so I'm not sure how well we did with that exercise.

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

what a GREAT session! thanks so much for sharing that with us. we need the victory songs as well as the sorrowful ones, to keep us all encouraged that this is worth it.
I am so proud of you for being able to talk so much and to look her in the eyes, too.
And how nice that she makes sure of you getting that app't before she is gone! That had to have eased your mind a whole lot about your fears to have her make a special gesture like that for you....

Being able to make eye contact was huge for me. At the end of our session I said, "I did good today. Did you notice I was able to make eye contact?"

She said, "Yes, you did well today. And I did notice you were able to maintain eye contact. That was a big step for you. You came in today with the look that anxiety was overpowering you. But you were able to push through that. This is what you need to do when you feel your anxiety coming. Take control of it. Don't let it control you. You have proven today that you can do it."

Funny how we wonder if our therapists notice when we do things in a session. How could they not? That are staring at us the whole time!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T is gestalt based, and T suggested earlier on in therapy that we do some empty chair work and I totally FREAKED. I mean - full blown panic attack, never wanted to go back to therapy FREAKED.....So....we never addressed that method again....and even now, 2 years later, I have no interest in doing empty chair work - even though I'm sure it has the potential to have extraordinary benefits to it....I just can't seem to get over the fear....We have done a teeny bit of role playing, but that's about it.

Freaked is a good word. That is how I feel. I think I could do that at home. I guess I do that already when I talk to people I am upset with! I cry alot when I am alone and I do express that I am very sad or angry with this person or that person. I know they are not really there, but I do imagine me talking to them and what I would say.

But to do it in front of her?? I cannot imagine that. I am going to have to get a lot more comfortable with our relationship before I can be that vulnerable to her.

[mixedup_emotions]

My feelings about gestalt work is two-fold...

One, I am scared to death to be "that.close" to any of my abusers or to talk to my dad openly about my feelings....even if it's only imaginary. Our imagination can be so powerful and elicit such incredibly intense feelings....

Two, I am incredibly embarrassed by the idea...especially with T as a witness....

[WePow]

I actually suggested this to my T and he said he didn't like to do it for himself, but would support me if I wanted to do it. That was strange :-) I ended up doing it just a little and was glad T was there becuase he helped guide me through the emotions when I got "stuck" ...

For example, the only time I did it, I was confronting my dad in the empty chair (who is still alive) and I locked up (the way I do in person). So T talked me through that with "What is that feeling now?" Me: Anger - RAGE... I want to just go over to him and hit his face! T: "Ok, stay where you are and don't back down either. Now there is another emotion under the anger. What is THAT emotion?" Me: Sadness and shame. T: Good. Now tell your father about that emotion.

It ended up helping but I never did it again because it felt too much like the real thing for me. But it is powerful work.

[pachyderm]

OK, I don't believe this.

Just kidding...

[peaches100]

YAY, SQUIGGLE!!!