WOW! You won't believe this!!

Yaaay!. I'm happy for you but I must say I feel a bit jealous. I wish I could have email communication with my T. That would be so awesome. Having to hold things inside for a whole week is tortuous sometimes.

That is true. Never really thought about it like that. Maybe that is why angry men (people) live their whole lives being angry? They express their anger in many ways, yet they never get over it? You are right. Because it does not solve the problem.

I cry alone quite a bit. It gives me a tremendous headache, and does give me temporary relief. But I end up crying about the same things over and over and over and over. Why? Because I have never really worked on WHY I was crying (hurting).

I guess the only thing I gained by crying is that horrible headache, a snotty nose, and swollen eyes!

I am seeing that blasted empty chair exercise coming my way. While it sounds ridiculous, for some reason, I think that would be healing for me. I don't mind doing it. I would just feel like an idiot doing it with someone watching.

Then again, I am sure she would be elated to see me have a breakthrough. She has been working with me for a year. Therapists probably do get a sense of contentment when they see their clients make such progress. If I were a therapist, I would want to witness such a powerful breakthrough from one of my clients.

I could not do therapy without email. I had gotten to a point in therapy where I could not go on. There was something missing. I took a chance and emailed her one week. This took our communication to an entire different level. I have said this many times. I don't think she would be this open with email if she were not a private practice (part time) with a limited amount of clients.

If she ever ended our email, I would not be able to continue. I think she knows that. We had that rupture because of the whole email misunderstanding. I told her that it seemed most therapists prefered voicemail and call backs. She said that her preferance was email and she okay with us continuing this way.

I am actually the only client she has that emails. She has offered it to others, but none of them like to write like I do. I am kinda glad they don't! I would feel that I was in competition if she had others doing this.

This is selfish. I know it is. But I am taking all I can get right now.

Maybe we feel this way BECAUSE we are working hard. ?

I have done just about everything I know to do, to make therapy successful. I am still unsure about the EFT and the Empty Chair thing. I have not really gotten down to actually being confronted as to whether I will do it or not. She has just mentioned it to me. I think she feels I am not quite ready for it, but she wants me to be aware of it. She doesn't want to just throw it on me and expect me to accept it. She wants me to really think about it and get comfortable with it before we even talk about doing it for sure.

I have this odd feeling that silence may show up tomorrow! I will be taking my pictures with me so I can pull them out if I get to a rough spot and cannot talk.

Later has come and gone. Still no email. It is now 11:30pm. I have a feeling she is not sending anything to me. My session is at 11:00 in the morning. As much as I don't want to allow this to affect me, it is. Not to the extreme or anything, but it is a let down.

Maybe she got busy and forgot. I understand that. She may send something in the morning. The strange thing is, what am I really wanting her to say? She has acknowledged my email and said that we would still meet tomorrow. That clarifies that she is not uspet with me.

What am I really wanting from her? Acceptance, validation, assurance, encouragement, etc......that is what I need from her. She normally gives that to me. This is just one of a very few times that something must have come up.

She did send me an email this morning. She apologized and said she has had a very hectic week. I went to my session this morning. It was fabulous!! I may report more about that later if anyone is interested. So many times I feel like I am talking to myself.

Your thread has 57 replies! Why do you feel like you are talking to yourself?!

I'm glad she e-mailed AND I'm glad you had a good session.

you are not talking to yourself! we are listening......I know I am. And I am interested to know about your session!

I guess that does sound like I am over reacting? I know I tend to talk alot on here. Believe it or not, I don't talk that much in RL, unless it is a small group of people that I know. In that case, I can be the life of the party!

I still want to share how my session went. I just need to get my thoughts together. As long as I am talking, you know that I am okay. Even if I appear to be mad, upset, discouraged, etc.........When I stop talking, something is really wrong.

Squiggle, you aren't talking to yourself. You are talking to everyone on PC. If you would like to share more of you're session, I am listening for sure!

I started out this morning feeling okay. Did not have overwhelming anxiety or anything. That is.......until I stopped in WalMart on my way to therapy. Oh My Lord! I thought I was going to have a melt down right then. For some reason, I started crying. What is up with that? Panic and fear took over.

I had to call my husband to help calm me down. He does not understand why I get like that before a session. I can't explain it to him, because I do not understand either. I just walked out of Walmart and headed to my car. That is when I fell apart. Crying?? Why?

I finally made it to my appointment. By then I was better, but had those blasted 'cry eyes'. I hate that. I know the receptionist noticed. I went to the restroom and tried to 'fix my face' before going up the stairs to her office.

I tried my best to have small talk with her while she was finishing up some things on her computer. Then she turned around and looked at me. Well, that just did me in. SHUT DOWN!! She asked me what happened on the way to my session. I couldn't talk. She was just looking at me, waiting for me to respond. I finally got so mad at myself that I blurted out, "I had a meltdown in Walmart on my way here."

We talked through what happened. What was I thinking? What were my thoughts when it happened? I said, "The only thing I was thinking about was checking out and getting to my appointment on time. That shouldn't have triggered anything."

She said that I must have been thinking about more than that. I sat there, getting madder by the minute. Trying my best to think about what may have triggered it. Then I blurted out, "It might have been because I knew you would nag me to death about the stupid forgiveness thing. You talk about that everytime I come in here. I am NOT going to go there. You might as well forget it!"

She just looked at me. You know, that "look" they have when they know that you are fighting about something you don't want to talk about, but it is exactly what you "need" to talk about.

We sat there and you could hear a pin drop. The clock ticking. The fan humming. I was thinking, "Okay, here we go again. I am not talking and she is waiting for me."

I finally said, "I want to do exposure therapy today. I need to do this." I am not sure she knew what I meant. I got up and removed the pillows from the couch/love set. I told her where to sit and I got out my pictures to show her. I said, "The last time I let you sit this close was right before that ridiculous rupture we had. I only made it about 3 minutes that time. I am going to try to be present with this longer than that today. We are going to look at these pictures to keep me distracted."

Yes, I was quite demanding and direct. I had to be. If I did not take over, I knew that our session would be a disaster with me not talking at all.

We had a pleasant experience sitting together and talking about my pictures. They were of my classroom at school, my grandchildren, my pets, and my home. Every minute I would say, "I am okay. I am doing this." I think I sat there about 8 minutes! That is a miracle! Once we were through looking and talking about the pictures, I said, "Okay, you can get up now."

She got up and sat in her chair. I said, "I did good, didn't I?" Then I asked her why she thought I struggled so much with that. Her response was, "I am not sure if it is more the physical aspect or more emotional. You fear people getting close to you. You have shared alot with me and I wonder if you fear the closeness that we have? You fear our relationship. You are allowing me 'in', and that scares you."

Oh my Lord! Did she say "closeness" and "relationship"? Those are two words that do scare me to death when it comes to my therapist. I think she was waiting for me to say something, but I was not about to admit that I do feel close to her and I feel that our relationship is forming a bond between us. NO WAY!!

Even with that little scare, I was quite proud of what I accomplished today.

(This is about all I can type right now. There is more to share, but this gives a start to our session. Will get back on here in a little bit to finish.)

wow

Hey Squiggle,

I think you did BRILLIANTLY!!! You could have went into the session and closed down, which would have been totally understandable after feeling so upset before the session and feeling panicked whilst at *****art but instead you went in and even though you felt like shutting down you turned the session around completely and got what you needed from it and I think that shows so much strength! You should be so proud of you! I am proud of you!! You did so great to let your T sit down beside you and to use your pictures as a way to stay came and present. I really honestly think you did so well!

I think it's amazing that you did that, Squiggle - sitting close with your therapist. The attachment/bond with mine scares me so much that I dissociate as soon as I enter the room.

Can't wait to hear about the rest of your session. I'm glad it went well!!!

Not sure the rest of this will be that interesting, but here goes. After we completed the "I can sit by my therapist and not have a panic attack" test, we started talking about my homework assignment. The one I posted in here a few days ago.

She always reassures me that she is not mad, upset, frustrated, annoyed, or fixing to terminate me when I send her my homework. She wants me to work on NOT saying that in every email I send. She wants me to trust her that she is honest with what she says to me. I guess that is a reasonable request?

As I predicted, she wanted to ask me about how I was coming along with the forgiveness assignment. This is when I started to roll my eyes and look out the window. She said, "What are you avoiding? What do you think will happen if you forgive yourself?"

I am like, same ole thing that I am sick to death of working on. I guess I do not know how to forgive myself. She says that I can do it, if I really want to get past some of the issues I have. Does this mean that I don't want to forgive myself? Have any of you had to deal with this? If so, how in the heck did you do it?

We also addressed the issue I have about being in therapy too long. I told her that I have been in therapy for 15 months now! I asked her if she was bored with me talking about the same stuff. I told her that there are plenty of others out there that need her now. I am taking up her time, when she could be helping someone else.

I know, I have told you guys this same stuff over and over and over. But, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET PAST THESE THINGS!!

The session went on for an hour and 45 minutes. I normally go about 90 minutes, but she kept on talking. That was okay. I think she felt that while she had me talking, she may as well take advantage of it.

We talked a lot. I made eye contact and I stayed present. That is downright incredible! We even had a few moments when we laughed! I even got so tickled about something that I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! Now that has never happened. Maybe I am relaxing more?

We had a conversation about this message board. I told her that I post a good bit in here and that sometimes I post things she has sent to me. She didn't seem bothered by that at all.

I mentioned that many in here have commented that she and I have a good relationship. She said, "We do." This just about knocked me to the ground. I said, "You say that to every client."

Her reply was, "Actually, I don't. You come in to therapy to work. You do your assignments. That helps to build the relationship."

By now I have just about peed in my pants! She actually likes my work? She thinks we have a good relationship? Why would I be shocked to hear that? She has been telling me that for months in emails. It was just different to 'hear' her say it to my face.

I know this doesn't sound all that great and amazing, but it was to me. Being able to talk without feeling so anxious and out of touch, gave me an optimistic outlook on therapy.

We talked about boundaries. She basically has the same boundaries as most therapists. She did mention that she was okay with a 'side hug' every now and then. I told her that I thought about coming into a session all bubbly and excited, and walk up to her and give her a big hug, just to see how she would react. She is always seated in her chair, so I would do this from behind.

She looked at me like, "I know you are joking. You wouldn't do that. You would be scared to death to do something like that." I told her that I really did think about doing that one day. She did not really say I couldn't do it, so who knows? I may try that sometime.

She reassured me that she was fine with email and that she hoped to hear from me this week. She said that she felt that was really working well for us. I guess you can say that she is comfortable doing some therapy via email.

She did remind me that she had a really busy schedule this summer and not to be upset if it took her a bit longer to get a response back to me. She said that when she sends me a reply, she has to sit down and read my email, process it, and think about how to respond in a way that will help me and make sense. I thought that last part was funny!

That's about all I can think of. It was a very pleasant experience. Therapy can be wonderful. I just need to try to work on not allowing my emotions to control me (over power me) and cause me to shut down in therapy. See what I would be missing? All this great conversation with my therapist!

Today is a good day. I am still thinking about my session yesterday. Trying to figure out how to keep my winning streak going! I am still in awe that she said we had a great relationship. For some reason, that makes me cry. Why is that?

Because I am scared out of my pants to have that kind of relationship with anyone. I do think we click and work well together, but I cannot bring myself to admit we have a 'relationship'. I know that is strange and many don't understand it. I don't either.

I want to grow up and get past this. I feel like I have some kind of block or something. It's like there is a certain point I will allow my brain to go to. Anything beyond that, I can't do. The gates close, the steel door comes down, and I put out the sign, "No Trespassing!"

This made me . Early in therapy, T said something about the "relationship" and I freaked. I told him to please never EVER use that word. We agreed on "therapeutic alliance". lolol

Recently, on a phone message, T was saying something about the progress I've made and he said "remember when we couldn't even use the word relationship?".

I'm happy to have a relationship with T now, but wow, did I fight it.

It's so funny to read about someone else having an aversion to that word. I guess we're never alone in all of this!

The "R" word was hard for me, too. When I could finally tolerate hearing my T talk about the relationship, I still couldn't call it "our relationship." That felt too close, so for a long time I always referred to it as "my relationship with you." Eventually I could refer to it as "our relationship" but he could always tell when I wasn't very happy with him because I would revert back to saying, "my relationship with you." Now, though, it's always "our relationship" and I really like it that way!

Okay, I am laughing myself silly on this. Laughing at ME and somewhat at you. Why are we so afraid of that word? I am going to do some homework on this and TRY to share it with her in my next session. Thanks me letting me know that I am not the only one who struggles with this.

"My relationship with you." I wonder why that is easier to say? Maybe I will try that and see how it makes me feel. Or I could do some 'exposure' type therapy with her and test myself. Try to use that "R" word as much as I can when I email her and when we are in session.

Oh My Lord! This just made my anxiety go through the roof. Just the thought of doing that? One of these days I am going to be normal. I am going to stop being so weird and act right.

When my therapist signs her emails, she always puts "LCSW" behind her name (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). I decided to come up with something more official to use when I sign my name: Squiggle, CTTBN (Client Trying To Be Normal).

Good luck with the "stop being so weird and act right" thing. I tried it. Guess it wasn't all it's cracked up to be, cause it didn't last long.

I think "my relationship with you" was easier than "our relationship" because it felt less like it belonged to both of us equally, and more like it was mine and I was allowing him to share part of it. But it was still MINE and not HIS!

CTTBN. haha. I like it. Lol.

I put up that same sign, Squiggle.

LOL! Love that!!!

Even though I was a nervous wreck yesterday, I did fine today in my session. No pre-session jitters at all!! That is odd. I was so relaxed that I thought something must be wrong with me. I actually sat in a different place. Still on the loveseat, just on the other end. Not sure why I did that.

We talked about my marriage and how things have changed. She asked me how that made me feel. Yep! There is that blasted "How do you feel question!!" I told her that I don't know how I feel. She said, "Yes you do. How do you feel about this?" For some reason I was bound and determined not to answer her. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just did not want to 'go there' with an answer.

You can guess what she did. Yes, she gave that to me in a homework assignment, "Why do I fight acceptance and forgiveness?" Meaning, "Why am I finding it so hard to accept that my husband loves me as I am and why can I not forgive myself and allow our relationship to heal?" I guess this could mean other things as well, but to me, I felt that this is where she was going.

We talked about how people perceive me. One of the things I found strange was that a couple of people said when they first met me, I appeared to be very organized. I am like, "How can you tell that just by looking at someone?"

My therapist gave me a look like "You are kidding, aren't you? It is obvious that you are organized." I asked her how that can be. She pointed to my notebook that I bring to every session. It is filled with typed notes and this and that about therapy. Then she went through my routine when I get to her office. She said, "You come in and put your drink down. Then you go to the corner, put down your purse, take off your shoes, and put on your socks. Lastly, you put your notebook on the couch and sit down."

I looked somewhat dumbfounded and said, "What is wrong with that?" She replied, "Nothing is wrong with that at all. I am just pointing out that you are a very organized person. You have a routine that you go by." I said, "That is being smart and knowing what you need to do when you come into therapy. Do you want me to come in here and throw my stuff all over your office? Do you want me to come in here and not bring my homework?"

She could tell that I was getting upset by now. She questioned, "Why are you getting so defensive? Why do you automatically think this is a negative thing when I tell you that you are an organized person?" I said, "Because you are making it sound like something is wrong with me, that's why."

She went on to say that that was not at all what she was implying. She said that I had pattern of looking for rejection and I automatically go to that when someone makes a comment about me. She said it could be anything, and I would take it negatively.

Then she said that she had another assignment, "Why do I take things so personally and become defensive?" Well, this just put the icing on the cake!! I told her, "Give me that nappy chair over there. I would rather do the stupid Empty Chair assignment than to do these questions you have given me."

Of course, she said, "It sounds like this is the perfect assignment for you." I was thinking, "I am NOT doing it so you are going to be wasting a session if you expect me to come in here on Thursday and talk about this!!" She made me really mad!! I had a fabulous session today and now she is ruining it by making me do these ridiculous questions.

She said, "I know that you don't want this assignment, but this is what you are struggling with. This is where we need to do some work. You are going to have to face this sooner or later. You have not forgiven yourself and you are very defensive. We need to work through this. You will feel so much better once we have gotten through this."

I said, "Could YOU do this assignment?" She gave the reply that drives me nuts, "This is not about me, it is about you."

When I got home, I showed the assignment to my husband. He said, "What is wrong with that?" Then he started laughing and said, "This is exactly what you do!"

Lovely, just lovely!! I have to get this done by Thursday at 11:00. I don't have anything done on it at all. Nothing. And you know what? I don't want to do any of this!!!

To end this on a positive note, I did have a great session. I really did. The end of it is what upset me. I know that she is speaking the truth and that is her job. But couldn't she think of something else to give me as an assignment? Something not so hard? This is the first time that we will be meeting twice in one week. How in the world can she expect me to do this kind of assignment in such a short period of time?

She is good. She is really good. But I don't like her right now. (Well, that is a lie. I do like her. I just don't like homework!)