WOW! You won't believe this!!

Hi Squiggle.......

So nice to have some good news for once. In response to your question......

"Can you explain how your empty chair work was done? How often have you done it?"

I only did it twice. First, there it was my brain talking to my heart.......or the logical part of my talking to the emotional part of me. It was very very awkward and hard for me to do(I'm not saying it doesn't work for people........just not me). My T had 2 empty chairs facing each other and I had to move from one to the other as I spoke the parts. I felt really stupid, I told my T this........I usually talk A LOT and this made me shutdown. So the second time we did it(this was much more effective for me) my T pretended to be someone from my past that I needed to talk to. I directed all my feelings at my T.........in that moment, being that person. He didn't say anything at all, but since I was talking to a person, that approach worked very well and was very healing. I haven't done it for awhile but with my new T I will tell him what works and what doesn't. A lot of people have a lot of success with it. It just didn't work for me unless I was talking to a real person........then it worked well.

This is how I feel about the empty chair~stupid!! She knows that I think a lot of things in therapy are stupid, so I am sure she already knows that I might shut down when (if) we try this.

Like I said, I do this quite often with myself. Especially in the car or the shower. I talk to alot of people in those places. They don't hear me, but I talk to them!

I did some research on it (empty chair) last night. It looks rather ridiculous, but the more I thought about it, I understand why she wants me to try it. My fear of shutting down or laughing the whole time is what hinders me. I don't want to waste a session doing something that won't really benefit me. Then again, how will I know if I don't try?

She also wants to try EFT with me: Emotional Freedom Technique. It is rather strange to me, but she assures me that it is worth me trying it. I guess at this point, she wants me to be open to experience new things. I don't like doing that, but maybe she is right. I need to be open to trying new things. I just feel like I won't be able to get over the laughing at how stupid and ridiculous I feel!

I almost feel 'giddy' this morning. Isn't that awesome! Yesteday put a kick in my step and a song in my heart. Yes, I know that sounds sappy, but as many of you know, therapy is HARD to do! So, when you have a breakthrough in a session, it puts you in the best mood ever. Much better than taking a pill can ever do.

Maybe I have a hang over? A good hangover? I want to enjoy this "high" as long as I can. I know that these moments are far and few between. I also know that I have some really hard sessions coming up this summer.
I am going to savor this moment as long as I can!

Another great day. That is something to rejoice in. I am happy.

Squiggles! I'm so happy for you that you are feeling so good! You worked hard for this and I'm glad you are enjoying it!

I love therapy high's and I'm in one myself right now. It is amazing how different the world looks and feels, isn't it?!

I feel like I have just passed a major test! Lots of sweat and tears (and anger) went into this breakthrough. Funny how once you get to this point, you somewhat forget all the (crap) you had to go through to get here!

As my next session approaches (Tuesday) I find that I can't think of anything to talk about with my therapist. I have been having a good week! I did send that homework assignment to her. I do realize that it got kinda ugly, but she is used to that. I go through spells of expressing my anger. I felt good after getting all that out.

I still have not heard back from her concerning the homework assignment. That is not unusual for the weekend. Her protocal is to read them on Sunday mornings and respond in some way. I am hoping to hear from her in the morning.

I may have posted this on another one of my threads, not sure, so I will post it here. I am thinking about working on allowing her to sit by me again. I just got some pictures developed and I thought about sharing them with her. This would allow me to sit with her, yet keep me distracted about what is actually happening.

I might even make it past the 3 minute mark! That is the longest I have been able to sit with her. I know that this sounds absolutely ridiculous. I want to figure out why I stuggle with this so much.
I am determined to get past this.

So, unless something changes, that is my plan for Tuesday. I plan to have a great session! I think I deserve that. She keeps wanting me to figure out why I don't think I deserve to be in therapy? Not sure I can answer that, but I do feel that deserve to have a great session!

Okay, I am getting a bit nervous. Have not heard back from my therapist since I sent her my homework assignment. I was expecting to hear something this morning. Maybe she is busy. I don't need to start getting anxious. She will not let me down.

She will respond when she gets time. I hope it is before I go into session on Tuesday morning. I don't need to blow this fabulous week by filling my head with nonsense that she is ignoring me or mad at me. She isn't. That is just me self-sabatoging my therapy.

It will be okay. She is not going to terminate me because of what I said in my assignment. I am okay. She is okay. Our relationship is okay. It is okay..........it's okay.........I am okay......there is nothing for me to worry about.....I will not let anxiety overpower me........I will remain calm.....breathe and relax.....tomorrow is another day.

*breathe*

It IS OK, just be, just breathe!!!!

Well, I have had a fabulous week. Now, for some reason, anxiety is raising her ugly head. I am up at 4:00am. Why? I have no idea. Thinking about therapy tomorrow? I have nothing to be anxious about, so what is the deal?

I thought I would research Bipolar Disorder to see if I can find some answers. Symptoms of BP can be triggered by the most minute things! What triggered it this time? Subconscious thoughts?

I don't need to think negative thoughts, but I have a feeling that today is going to be 'one of those days' (if you know what I mean). Thinking about therapy obsessively. Why? I do not get this. I really wanted to go into my session tomorrow and be so good. In other words, not walk in there with an obvious fearful look on my face.

Geez! I know she gets tired of me doing that. I don't want to feel this way. There is no reason for me to go through this again. I am fine!! This is such a let down from what I have been experiencing all week. Why did this have to happen the day before my session?

How do you know SHE is tired of you doing that??

I have had less than 10 sessions. I have been anxious before every single one of them. I hate that feeling too.

You are fine. Hang in there, Squiggle.

I have had more than 40 sessions and I get anxious with every one. It has not let up one bit going as much as I have. I don't want to be like this. I have tried to work through it, but no matter what I do, when I head for my session the anxiety starts soaring.

I just want to go into her office and act normal. Not be all twisted in knots. I don't want to shut down when I step foot in her office. Here lately I have to force myself to push past that. Sometimes I can snap out of it within 5 minutes and be able to talk. Sometimes it may take up to 30 minutes, and other times, I am never able to push past the anxiety!

I just don't get it at all. There is no reason for this to happen this week. I am not upset about anything. I have had a good week. I wonder if this means there is some underlying issue that I afraid to talk about? I still cry when I think about my spouse. My life with him. How hard it is. Could it be that I don't want to talk about that again? I want to ignore my life, but she won't let me.

We seem to talk about that at every session. She says that we need to because this is in the here and now. She says that I need to continue to work on coping skills and learn to manage my frustration and stress in dealing with this situation.

I don't want to talk about it. Maybe that is why the anxiety is coming up again? Even if I tell her I had a good week and things went well with my spouse, I don't think she believes me. That is probably because I am good at suppressing my emotions?

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I have had more than 350 sessions and I STILL get anxious before I go. Every single week, I walk in, T asks how I feel,and I say "anxious". Last week when I asked, I said "guess" and he said "anxious!"

T and I talked about this a long time ago, and I realized that the anxiety isn't about seeing T, but about "meeting myself" in his office. The longer I go, the more quickly and easily I let down my defenses when I am with him...and when I let down my defenses, there I am with my feelings, my history, and my Self. I've spent my entire life trying to numb out and get far, far away from that stuff and now here I am, choosing to walk in and face it. If you think about it like that, it makes so much sense that we would feel anxious!

I bet your T is completely accepting of HOWEVER you feel when you walk in there. You are not alone, Squiggle

I have thought about that. My anxiety and fear is looking at ME, not at my therapist. Why is that? I meet with myself all the time. In the bathroom mostly, but in my car as well. I don't feel anxious in those places.

I sure hope this is not how it will be forever. It makes me feel like I haven't made any progress. It makes me feel like I am not doing what I should be doing. It makes me feel like I am not working hard enough.

Part of my anxiety is waiting on her to reply to my email. It has been 3 days now. Not really like her to go this long with out at least saying, "Got your email. Will respond more later."

She knows that I get really anxious if she does not respond back just to me know she got it. I haven't heard from her this time. Then again, I do realize that it is summer. She has cut back to 3 days per week so that she can spend time with her kids. Who knows? She may have activites galore booked with her kids. She may be gone from sun up to sun down doing activities with them?

I am telling myself that. Not to stress about it. I just want her to respond before I go into my session in the morning. I will feel really awkward going if I don't hear what her thoughts/comments were about my assignment.

Email is a normal way for us to communicate between sessions. It works for both of us. Not to hear from her would not be normal. I am sure she will send something today. At least I am hoping. I need to keep myself busy and stop checking my email every 5 minutes!

Wouldn't you say it's much different being in your car with yourself and REALLY being challenged to see yourself in session?

Have you ever not felt anxious before a session? I always feel nervous, even when I think nothing is going on. If your T responds to your email before your session, will your anxiety be gone then? Or are you also having pre-session jitters?

I am much more relaxed in my car. I scream, cry, talk to myself, etc.....I will say a lot more to myself than I will in a session.

Sure, you emote in your car but do you get to the bottom of what's going on? And also, with T, you are more exposed and that is a much more vulnerable place to be, wouldn't you say?

I have always, always been anxious before a session. Yes, if my therapist replies to my email, that will instantly relieve the anxiety. I will still have the pre-session jitters, though.

She often says in a reply, "I am sending you this email just to let you know I got it and to help relieve your anxiety. I will send a better response later."

She knows that I get very anxious when waiting on a reply. That is why we have settled into a routine. She normally always sends a quick reply on Sunday mornings. Then she will follow up with a more detailed response that night or Monday morning.

Nothing yet. But that's okay. I know she is not mad at me. I keep telling myself she is with her kids. They may be at the zoo, or out swimming somewhere. I know that her girls do horseback riding, so maybe they are out doing something that has to do with that.

She is really involved at her church, so maybe she is working on VBS stuff. Or she could be kicked back at home watching movies with her girls. It is flippin' hot out here!

She will respond............she will not ignore me..........she will send me a response when she gets time...........I have to believe this to keep myself from going nuts waiting.........

I am able to release alot of emotion in my car. Much more than I can in a session. You are right about being more exposed in session. I don't like to do that in front of anyone.

I am much more vulnerable when I am with her. She makes me confront that emotion. I think just by crying or screaming I am confronting. I guess she doesn't see it that way.

Sometimes I feel like I am faking just to get attention. I don't know why I feel like that. I am not making myself have this anxiety that's for sure!

Yeah, I've read that just by expressing emotion we're not getting to the bottom of it. We could even begin to believe that that release will solve our problems. But if we keep having to 'release' over and over and over again, what have we gained?

It would be like the angry person who believes that if he keeps expressing his anger, he is confronting it. Hmmmm, does that make sense that that continual showing of anger will solve the problem of anger?

AWESOME! good work

YAY! It came. I knew it would, so why was I fretting? Just as I predicted, this was her response:

"I got it and yes we are still having our appointment. I will respond more later."

Phew~my anxiety went down to just about nothing. Now I can breathe.