WOW! You won't believe this!!

I've been reading this thread with joy. Yes, joy! Another adult woman (did you say you have grandchildren?) struggling with the issue of relationship with a therapist. I have had two over the years, both women, and have struggled with the "I will not let myself need them; it is pathetic to need their acceptance; I feel like a little child" internal messages to myself. I did learn to give myself permission to hold my first therapist's hand in group therapy...I won't tell you how long that took. LOL. My current therapist...I shake her hand goodbye when I am feeling secure. We never sit on the sofa together. Once I sat on a chair next to her chair to look at some photos and then moved back to the sofa.

So I do understand and I think you have been doing a great job of asking for what you need. I think you are very lucky that your T will email you. My first T would let me call her at home. My current T does not do that and does not use email. But she does belong to a group that has an on-call therapist 24/7 so that's good for emergencies.

I also understand the panic attack at the store. Only too well. Sometimes I would be unable to drive and would have to call my husband or son to come and rescue me. How embarassing. But my son was an angel about it. My husband did OK, he just tended to minimize my state. Once suggesting I drive my car home and he would follow, and then complaining that I swerved all over the place...well duh! I had taken a bunch of pills, which was why my T called him in the first place. But he doesn't like to admit to himself when things are bad.

As to the 15 months....hmmm! My first T said I would probably need about that long. Seven years later we had done a lot of great work. LOL!! And I took a few years off. But back at it now...other issues, and the same issues on a different level. I'm not sure I will ever be done, but I have forgiven myself for needing my therapist. Now I just like to give thanks for her. She has very strict and very clear boundaries, physical and emotional, which makes me feel safe. But she does give me hugs when I ask, but I usually just shake her hand --my way of holding her hand briefly OMG does that sound pathetic or what. But you know, that's OK. I was hurt as a child; I had no safe loving adults in my home. So now if I need to hold her hand for a couple of seconds then that's just fine. I don't have to punish myself, or berrate myself I can just be thankful that there is a woman who is kind enough and caring enough to let me hold her hand.

Ah me!

When I got home, I showed the assignment to my husband. He said, "What is wrong with that?" Then he started laughing and said, "This is exactly what you do!"

My husband and your husband should go bowling!! He has been telling me I take things too personally for years. Of course he was right for a long time, but I am much better about it now. But even though I have changed he still want to make my reaction to anything as "taking it personally" even if my reaction has nothing to do with that. So, just so you know, you may change as a result of therapy but your husband may lag behind and see you through the same old "lens." So, if that happens, give him a swift kick in the arse! Just kidding...point out to him that he needs to learn about the new you.

BTW I love how you are writing the story of your therapy. It will be great for people who are new to therapy to read about your struggles and not feel so "crazy" and alone. Way to go!

Yes, I am a 49 year old grandmother of two. #3 is on the way. If you ever want to figure out the ages of us on PC, go to my thread about chronological ages vs. therapy age.

I do not accept that I need my therapist. At least not fully. I can't do it. I want to, but I can't.
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"My Story". That is a nice way to put it. I do think it is very important to tell our stories in here. The good times and the bad times. Many times we get stuck in the bad times and forget to post about the good times. My journey through therapy has been something else! Much more than I ever could have imagined. I wish I had had someone to talk to before I started. Someone to show me the ins and outs of it all.

Then again, if I knew how hard this was going to be, I probably would never have set foot in my therapist's office!

This is a beautiful thing about therapy and sometimes hard to get to but feels so good when we can. I'm so glad you got there

What a wonderful session! You talked about so many important things that matter to you. I could feel the relationship strengthening as I read your post!

So happy for your happiness!!

Our relationship has come a very long way. I fought it every step and I still fight it. If she would say, "I like you, Squiggle", or "I care about you, Squiggle", that would make me feel better. She is just careful about using those kinds of phrases.

I may ask her about this tomorrow. If she told me, "I care about you" I think I would fall out in the floor. I would be speechless and may even cry. Why would I do that? I don't know, but to hear her say something like that would touch my inner core for some reason.

I did not grow up with parents who said, "I love you". They were very hands on with me and very supportive in everything I did, but they were not openly affectionate. My mom was not raised that way, so I am sure she did not know how to use her words to show us love. She did this by her actions.

It is said that actions speak louder than words. I agree with this, but for some reason when someone tells you, "I love you", that touches a part of you that no action can reach. Is this true?

Wow - well done - I am so pleased for you.

I know what you mean. My T said something to me last month that touched me deeply. I would not respond very well to her saying, "I love you" because I don't really understand what those words mean and I don't really trust them.

She did better than that in my opinion. I was having trouble with her leaving on vacation and we had discussed a lot my attachment. I had stopped resisting the attachment after I read the book, "Attachment in Psychotherapy" and began to understand its relevance and importance in the therapeutic relationship.

Anyways, my T said, "Attachment is not only one way, you know. It goes both ways. And I don't want you to suffer while I'm gone."

Wow, that was so cool to hear.

Squiggle, I am so so so so glad that your relationship with your T has come a long way. It must feel great to know that you can count on that!!!

Squiggle, do you hate to "look" at yourself?

Hhmmm....that can be taken two ways. Do I hate to look at my physical self? From the neck down I do. Do I hate to look within myself? That would be a definite yes. I would rather focus on other people and not on myself.

This is something we are working on in therapy. Why can't I take care of Squiggle? Why do I care more about others than I do for myself? It just comes naturally to me. To put others' needs before mine.

I cannot imagine myself really asking anyone to do something for me. I just cannot do it!

Excellent things to be working on.

I am off to take a 'look' at myself. I would rather run naked through WalMart than to do this! This is the first time that I have met with her twice in one week. She was concerned that this may trigger me since it is out on the norm.

I am determined not to get anxious because if I do, she may think, "See, I knew this would trigger you. Maybe we shouldn't meet twice a week anymore."

Then I will feel such a let down! I can't do twice weekly that often, so I want to when I can. So, I have to calm down.....I have to calm down.......I must calm down....

One reason I am getting anxious is because we are going to go way back to the relationship I had with a friend 13 or so years ago. I have contacted this friend through facebook within the last week. I told her that I was in therapy and doing some work on relationships.

I asked her if she would be okay with going back there with me. I wanted her to give her perception of what happened to us back then. I asked her to email my therapist and told her how much that would help me in this therapy process.

She was really open to it. She only had kind words to say and said she would help in any way she can. I told her that my therapist would keep her email confidential if she did not want me to see it.

This has me in knots today. I don't know if she has sent an email yet. I have no idea what I am walking into this morning. I told my therapist that I was over the emotional feelings about this relationship, but I don't think I am. I am crying this morning, so that tells me that the hurt is still there.

Anyway, I may have already posted about this somewhere, but just needed to 'talk' about it before I leave. I am hoping that a Diet Coke and driving slow on the way to my session will help to ease up this anxiety. I want so bad to have a great session today. We had a wonderful session on Tuesday. I want to continue in that ability to really 'talk' with her and not sit there like a stump!

FYI: Your therapist will have to have a written release of information on file for your friend before your therapist can talk to her at all about you. You might need to check on that.

What bravery!

You don't have to accomplish it all at once, though...

My session was awesome. I laughed myself silly for some reason. I had some pretty funny stories to share with her. Not sure why I chose today to let her see my funny side, but it worked.

Two hours today. It was the most fun I have ever had in therapy! I kept asking her if she was analyzing me. If she was wondering if I was high or drank a Red Bull before I came. I was laughing so much that I almost peed in my pants!! I had to excuse myself to the restroom before I soaked her couch!!

Aahhhhh.........to be able to laugh with your therapist! Joy

Love this, Squiggle!!

Squiggle, I've so enjoyed reading the last few pages of your thread. Lots of therapy joy and progress there. Hope you will keep posting. I can come to this thread when I need a "pick me up" for the day.

Like I said, my session was fabulous! I was a bit nervous, though. I have made contact with someone from my past that has really hurt me. She agreed to send an email to my therapist to give her perspective on what happened to hurt our relationship. I wasn't expecting her to send it so soon, but she did.

So, my therapist had it when I came in today. She read parts of it to me. It was okay. I didn't get emotional or anything. Actually, it has been very healing to go back and talk to this person via facebook. I may have already posted this in another thread. If I did, sorry to duplicate!

My husband did not want me to do this, but I told him that I needed closure. It has been good for me so far. My therapist warns me against rekindling this relationship. I know that I need to cut this off with my friend. I have closure now. Why would I want to put myself in a position to get hurt again?

Isn't it said that we often keep going back to our abusers? Why is that? For me, maybe it is because I know the good times we had. I remember how we talked for hours on end. I remember how we laughed until we could barely breathe! I remember the times we cried together. We did have some great times.

Anyway, I got through that part of therapy and then I started talking about random stuff that has been going on in my life. I laughed until my head was killing me!! It was such a relief to be able to laugh in my session, and not be so distraught, down, and depressed.

Why was I laughing? Was it to mask the hurt that I had in this previous relationship? Was I really in a lot of pain and turmoil bringing this all back up? Was I using laughter to hide that pain?

Or was I laughing because I felt such freedom from that pain? Was I laughing with joy? Maybe I will email my therapist and get her take on this. Even though she got really tickled at me and had a hard time staying 'professional', I am sure that she was evaluating me and watching me the whole time. She probably had some good notes to write this time!

No matter the reason for my laughter, I needed this! If you have been following "Squiggle's Ups and Downs in Therapy" threads, you know that I have been through a lot of hard times the past few months. Sessions where I sat there like a mute!! The rupture. Lots of tears and emotions.

I wish that I could stay in this playground of laughter, but I know that there will be many more sessions when I will be experiencing strong emotions and tears. I am going to swing, slide, and play on the monkey bars as long as I can!

Squiggle...laughter is a wonderful thing, and I find it is very "bonding" when I can laugh in therapy...usually in group not individual, for me though. It makes me feel like my T is actually relating as a person not as a professional. And that feels good...makes me feel like a person and not a "client." But then reality has to set in and I realise that we will never be friends outside therapy and that is always a sad thought. But nonethless, I would rather have her as my T. We have a great working relationship.

I do agree with your T...having achieved some closure over your friend you might be tempted to redevelop that friendship. Don't. Think how long it has taken you to confront this pain. Do you really want to have to go through that again? Of course the good times are wonderful memories; you don't have to give those up. But you deserve friends who will not hurt you. Just my thoughts.