Rupture

Replying to myself.

I regret calling T now. I actually e-mailed and asked if he could somehow reach back tonight, but it probably won't happen.

Calling him was too risky. I know it's going to be added to the litany of "reasons Tree is so stupid" that keeps me up at night.

I took a klonopin. I hope it lets me sleep.

I hope you get the rest you need tree.....rest helps so much.

(((((((((Tree)))))))))

I am SO SO SO sorry this happened today...after such a rough, exausting few weeks for you...and lack of sleep to add to the mix. I know how much ruptures suck...they throw off any sort of "flow" that was happening, and ruin any current connection. The thought of restarting or rebuilding a connection makes me want to quit.

If I didn't already know about the relationship you and your T have, I would say that your relationship might suffer...but I genuinely believe you and your T have one of the best relationships I've seen, and I think this might make it stronger. I know you will communicate effectively, explore what was said and how it made you feel, and come to an agreement on how to improve things in the future.

I hope your T gets back to you ASAP and you can resolve this as quick and painless as possible.

Much love and support to you

treehouse... i'm sorry your hurting and struggling but, I am hopeful for you that thursday will help you clear up and process more of these painful emotions... and give you a chance to work everything out with your T!

be gentle with yourself!!!

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with SweetLove! this will work out.

(((Tree))))) Hope today brings you new hope. Your T cares.

(((( Tree ))))

Sorry, I haven't been on PC much the last few days. I am so sorry that you're going through this, especially during this difficult time. You KNOW T cares about you A LOT, but it's hard to accept that when so many triggering things happen and then BAM, a rupture occurs.

Can you please try to hold onto the love that you know T has for you? There is a reason for everything that you're going through, and I am hopeful that you and your T can figure it all out and work through it. In the meantime, though, it's painful and awful....(((( BIG HUGS ))))

((((((Tree))))))

treehas you T responded yet today or yesterday.how did your meeting go?

So. T left the stupidist message for me this morning. I left this heartfelt, vulnerable message for him (and e-mailed a few more thoughts) last night, and he called this morning and left "Hey Tree!!!! We'll work this out! We always do! Bye!".

No "This sounds really hard for you" or "I'm sorry everything is so hard right now" or "I hope you were finally able to get some sleep" or whatever. Just a really short, fake cheery message. I HATE HIM.

I wrote him a LONG and ANGRY e-mail. I thought about copying and pasting it here, but I'm afraid everyone would just .

But, basically, part of what is going on is that I realized that part of why I called him was because I was worried that HE might feel bad or be worried about me, and since he cant call or e-mail me first, I was trying to create an opportunity for us to communicate with each other. What a joke. I'm sure I walked out of the room and he never gave it another thought.

I haven't felt so strongly in a long time that this is a fake "relationship". I know that this has hit on a lot of my core core issues...having someone say "I'll help you" and then hurting me, thinking someone cares and finding out they don't, all of it.

I had all of these walls up for, literally, MY ENTIRE LIFE to avoid being hurt. If I didn't let anyone care for me, they couldn't hurt me. And wow, I totally let down my guard and let T in and I just feel like I am a big fat NOTHING to him. Oh. My. God.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. He didn't reply to my angry e-mail and he won't. I am SO TEMPTED to not go on Thursday, and since he won't call me, and I don't have any appointments scheduled after that, just never go again.

I know it all has to seem black/white and extreme and all of that. But T KNOWS me. HE KNOWS ME. He knows me better than anyone in the world, and even if I could forgive session yesterday (which I pretty much had), his message today was like it was from someone who never met me before.

Whatever. I just hate that he's not going to reply to me. I hate it. And no, I didn't ask for one, because I was afraid he'd blow it AGAIN and this would just get worse and worse.

T knows this is a hard time for me. He sucks.

It's not a fake relationship. He's doing it to build trust. (But messing it up! Ugh!) Hope it hurts less soon.

Oh Tree - I think that's the worst fear come true - you let down your guard finally and then get hurt. Makes me rethink how far I'm willing to go with my T. Everyone keeps saying that a T will always be there for you but now I'm having second thoughts about it.

So sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how painful it is.

I've seen him for 3 1/2 years, twice a week. Like a zillion therapy hours. I thought I DID trust him

I'm sorry. I don't want to trigger anyone or scare them. Really, I've had my guard down for a long time with T.

I don't know why this is happening.

It is like with Jenga blocks were you slowly move one out and trust that the whole thing will stay standing?

But I mean I think you should have agreed before hand to try it. This is not good!

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

It totally sounds like your T got hit on the head or replaced with an alien. . I don't know what is wrong with him. It seems like this happens every once in a while. And then he returns to same old T who is caring and compassionate. I hope that you go on Thursday and tell him how badly he has screwed up. (even though you told him in the email.) I know it is so hard to trust and then be hurt. It sends those barriers right back up. I hope that you can let him know how much it hurts.

Lots of hugs for you.

Hi Tree,

I wish I knew the right thing to say.
Just sending safe hugs and thoughts...
It is SO frustrating when our T doesn't respond the way we want/need them to. I have a really hard time seeing where I am triggered vs. where my T is "being a jerk." I hope you will be able to get mad at your T so you can talk about this stuff.

Elana

Oh no Tree How hard that your session went so wrong at the end, and then when you made yourself vulnerable and reached out, you got another totally unattuned response

I know things seem very bad now, and the lack of sleep must be making it even worse (this isn't saying it's all in your head- I totally understand why you're upset, I would be too). But between you, you have always been able to make it better before, and I do believe you'll be able to this time too.

Could you try again? I know it seems totally counter-intuitive when the last thing you want to do is ever see or speak to T again, let alone help him understand- especially when he's the one person in the world who should know. But it's some kind of inverse rule in therapy land- when you most want to withdraw, reach out. Tell him how his words and actions have made you feel. Make sure he knows.

Thinking of you

Hey treehouse, excuse me for jumping in here but I just happened to log on today and read this thread. It seems sometimes our T's might have "supervision" or read something that they want to try out on us. For example, his words if they don't sound like he usually is, might be a feeble attempt to make you feel better because he is trying something other than he what normally does or says to see if it works better than what he normally does or says. I find in my therapy, T has moments of this where I just go WHAT???? Is this the same person I've been working with all along? Then I think, well he probably had a case consult. I hate feeling like a CASE.
Take care of yourself.

if you wanted to share your email i promice i wouldnt or anything.i am so sorry your T seems to have fell short with his responce.do you think it could be because he would rather respond in person and not have this conversation via e-mail.sending you some big hugs

hi treehouse,

i totally know how you feel. i have been there, done that - many times in therapy. (in case you'd like a reminder! http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=175476)

i don't know what advice i have to give you (not that you're asking), but i do know that how you're feeling is totally normal and valid. reading one of your posts reminded me that you're in a 12-step program (you had mentioned it), and i don't know why, but i had the thought that maybe the steps could somehow apply to therapy:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our therapy - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a therapist greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our therapist as we understood our therapist.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to our therapist, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have our therapist remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked our therapist to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our therapist as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of our therapist's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other people in therapy, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

i don't know if this is at all relevant, but i guess what i was trying to say is that there such a feeling of powerlessness over therapy. (and no, i didn't mean to make light of the 12-steps or to compare your therapist to god! i hope it doesn't offend you or anyone else.) i just thought that maybe it would be helpful to look at it another way..

I am sorry you are hurting. I would be too.

Just got this weirdly formal e-mail from T. I'm afraid I'm in trouble. I don't know what to do

Hey Tree - there are a lot of straightforward and complicated feelings around Monday's session, too many to address through email. If you would like to talk before Thursday, I would like to do that face to face. If that does not work out we can schedule a time to connect by phone tomorrow. I have availability for session tomorrow at 2pm. If that does not work for you, I would reserve that time to connect over the phone. Let me know your thoughts.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can understand and somewhat relate as after my last session (today), I feel a lot disconnected to my T too.

that's what I'm thinking for the "we are almost out of time" comment.
for the breezy "We can totally work this out fer sure dude!" voice mail.

It's been a heavy couple of weeks for you. Wishing you strength and perseverence to get through to the sunnier side, may your journey be not too long.

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

I don't think you are in trouble! I do have to agree that his email sounds formal. But my guess is that he is doing this because his previous phone message was not what you were looking for and he didn't want to bring the emotional into the email where the tone of it could be misconstrued. I think he realizes that this is a major thing for you and so wants to make sure that it gets the attention that it deserves. He doesn't want you to have to continue to feel the way you do until Thursday, so he is offering a sooner time for you to talk. He recognizes that his comments/questions have caused you pain and wants to address that. He doesn't want to say something through email/voicemail that could cause you more pain by not being what you need. Instead, he wants to make sure that you can have an immediate back and forth conversation about it. Again, I don't think you are in trouble. If you are able to meet/talk with him tomorrow I think that would be a good idea.