Rupture

Tree, your T wants to help you. That is a fact. Your T cares.
The pain is real for you, but it is from your trauma past. There was just way too much there. Way too much. And it makes us beyond terrified to face these emotions.

Your T wants to be there for you right now. Trust the process. You have been here before, and you will be here again. uggg. But each time, it gets better and a bit more sense. You can do it. You can keep fighting for what you deserve - to be loved and respected. Your T does not fake care about you (even though that is what you see right now). It is real. His heart is real.

I think meeting would be good. My T will never put personal details on messages for privacy/safety issues. Sounds to me like he wants to help fix things!

agree with googley. He knows you are hurting I think and wants to make things better.

I sent him this:

My first thought is this: Am I in trouble? Are you going to terminate/refer me? Because I would want to know that before I come.

And my second thought is this: Once I know the answer to that, then I can clear my schedule to come tomorrow at 2 if I need to.

He hasn't replied. I know he does something on Tuesday nights, so I don't know when he'll answer my questions. Or IF he'll answer them.

I hate this. I feel scared.

Everything you have written about sounds so painful. I don't have any advice, but I'm reading and listening.

I understand, when I am really angry and triggered (scared) I find it hard to connect thoughts and I want my T to do it for me and when she can't/doesn't it hurts even more. <- actually those words don't do the pain justice tbh....

I hope you manage to see your T tomorrow, or at least talk to him because you deserve that support right now. Take what you need during this time when you feel overwhelmed....even if this session doesn't make it all 'right', it can at least, maybe, give you an outlet. Trust is SO hard at the best of times, let alone when we are scared.

I will be thinking of you.

(((((Tree)))))) He will NOT terminate you. He is not going to harm you. He will not turn his back on you. Remember, that is the trauma fear (terror). He cares. He has your back. He just wants to work this out with you in person because you are important to him.

I remember when you were closer to when you started with him (i hope that makes sense,) that you were often worried about getting referred. But he would tell you time and time again that he was not going to refer you. He will not refer you because you got upset. He will not refer you because you got triggered. He knows that this is part of the work. He will not be angry with you.

That this fear of being referred has resurfaced, it makes me wonder what got triggered. I know this is a deep rooted fear for you. If what got triggered is something more related to what would get triggered when you were starting therapy. Maybe being worried about being referred is easier than being worried about facing what was triggered.

You can do this.

((((Tree)))) I think it's so formal because he doesn't want you to read anything more into the email than what's written. He wanted to make sure you didn't get hurt more. But, like me, you found a way to read more into it...rejection, being referred out...that thought hurts so badly doesn't it? I really think if you just see him it will be ok, like he said in his all-too-cheery voice mail, you can work it out, how many times in the past 3 and half years have you gotten freaked, and how many times has it worked out. Trust the relationship.

I'm so sorry all this is going on.

I'm with the others, trust the relationship and trust the process. Try to allow this connection to come back to you.

It's a risk. It's a huge risk, but I think it's worth it.

Peace to you.

My sentiments, too.....please, trust the relationship! Your T does care about you, I am thinking of all the wonderful posts I've read from you full of the special help and love and moments of grace that he's given you. I think it's there waiting for you still when you go!

hope you get through & feel better soon

Hey Tree..I just got to read the latest from today. I'm glad he contacted you but that voicemail would have upset me also.

I like the email actually. Yes, it is a bit formal and vague, but I think he is doing that so he doesn't trigger you any further. It sounds like her really wants to work this out and has faith you can get past it. He is not going to refer you! (I am worried about this all the time!)

Good luck if you do see him tomorrow...I'll definatly be thinking of you

I'll be thinnking about you too tomorrow. Sure hope everything turns out for you. I think it will. You relationship with your T sounds like it's pretty solid, and, based on what he emailed you, it sounds like he's pretty confiident about that too.

Tree. You don't need to be scared. This is T. No matter how you interpret any given email on any given day (and from any given state of mind) this is exactly the same T you have known for the last three years and he has exactly the same commitment to you as he has always done.
If he 'sounds' or 'seems' different to you right now it is not because he has changed, or his feelings have changed - it is because you are triggered. You have been in this place many times before, and many times before you have come out of this triggered place and worked your way back with T. This will happen this time too.

T has not changed any more than usual. He has not suddenly become untrustworthy. You are triggered. Go to T and let him help you find your way back.

dear tree

my first thought was that you woke him up - he has heard you and he's concerned, enough not to want things to stew and spiral from here to Thurs, if you need it he will make room for you right now. To me that says he cares, he gets it, he's sorry, and he wants you to be OK and not suffer (there's so much pain in what you've shared here, let alone what you gave him). I hope the two of you can work it out.

You are not in trouble!!!!!!

Tree, I couldn't agree more with Luce and WePow. You are triggered Tree and your T doesn't understand anything that is going on with you unless you share it with him. It's like you have this whole movie going on inside of you and he can't share it with you NOW, because he hasn't seen the movie yet. If you share with him he can start to see what you are experiencing.