Strange emotion

Well guys, I know my session was Monday and I really didn't post an update. It has been a very strange emotion since that session. It is very hard to describe what happened in that session but at the start, T said a certain thing in a way that triggered me. I know my face went hot red and I basically just shut down. But I am HIGHLY skilled at masking my emotions and I tried to just keep going like nothing was wrong. But I kept hearing what I thought he said over and over.

Then I thought about my own post on PC about getting the most out of sessions. Urrrrr. I hate it when I am right!
So I stopped session and told T I needed to back up to the first part of session and go over what I thought I heard. He was glad I did this, and I was VERY nerveouos to do it. But I did. He said he didn't say what I heard. So I am not sure where I got it from, but after the rupture last week, I just didn't believe him. A part of me did, but I just felt myself shut down.

T said he did notice that I changed when we were talking at the start of session, but he didn't stop to check it out. He told me he would pay closer attention to those types of changes.

Then we were talking again about new stuff and my mind started to think about the stuff from the start of session again. I broke eye contact as he was talking and this time he noticed it. Then he stopped in mid sentance and called my name. I JUMPED!!! He asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that he scared it out of me

T looked right in my eyes and said "I loved it out of you."
The sentance didn't even make sense but it did to my heart. And he used the L word!!

Then session was over and as I was walking out, there was some guy in the stairwell area (uggs) where no one could see me and he told me I had a nice coat. My PTSD kicked back in big time!!!!

Suddenly I was mad at my T. I was mad because he used the L word in a safe way. I was mad because he cares. I was mad because he moved to a new office and that guy said hi to me!

IDK. Since Monday, my emotions have been very strange. I am happy about my T and do believe him. But I feel very distant from him for some reason. I don't want to email him (even though he told me I could) ... but there is no reason why I don't want to. I just feel different and don't know why. He is on fall break with his wife and kids, so I want to leave him alone so he can rest. Plus I am not in a bad place.

And then when I wrote in the post about if my T took away hugs that I would never go back, it was strange because I was jeleous and WANTED my t to take the hugs away! I wanted him to hurt me in some way that would make things feel normal again for me. I am crying just typing this out and not sure what the emotion is... not anger... but something very sad. Oh well.

I will see him Monday. I just wanted to share this with you guys.

Thank you for sharing!
OMG, he used the L word! I could just cry thinking of what he said to you....I feel sort of jealous, but mostly very very happy for you to hear the word love in a safe way. I can see how this would cause a strange emotion, hard to name, arise in you.....
I wonder about what you say about wanting your T to take away the hugs, wanting him to hurt you.....well, it feels more normal for you to be hurt than to be loved, doesn't it? But you know, it really is more perfectly normal for you to be loved and NOT hurt....and T has given you this gift and you are in astonished amazement and disbelief and poignant sorrow all at once I think.
What you say also makes me wonder....if I really wanted T to hurt me as I have been hurt before, by touch being withheld, something taken away, love taken away, if I was testing her to see if she would - and there it is, she did. WePow, this pain is nothing to be jealous of...... you have already had such pain in your life, and now you have love and you have hugs from your T, and how wonderful for you. I am crying for YOU, tears of joy because you deserve this love!

(((((WePow)))))

You don't feel safe with this intimacy? I remember you writing here before that you are suspicious about love because you would be abused and then it was mixed with "love".

Yeah guys... I do feel that is deep inside... that mixed emotion and not knowing what healthy love is like. Just reading your replies here made something big come up inside me. I could see it and feel it, but then it slipped like a shadow out of my hands...

((((HUGS))))

((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))

I JUST read something about psychotherapy with people who have been through trauma, and about the fact that we almost fight against the safety. It's so unfamiliar, and it's hard and scary to trust it. I know that learning to let T love me was a slow slow slow slow process, and I fought back A LOT. I grew up wanting to be loved, and just when I would think I had a taste of it, I would be tricked, or hurt, or abandoned, or abused. Now that I AM loved, I'm waiting for those other things to happen, and they are scary and they hurt. Not allowing myself to be loved is safer.

Sometimes I think we need to put our walls back up for a minute to get our bearings...and then as we find out that yes, we're really safe, we can start taking them down again, more quickly this time. Up and down, up and down. I don't know about you, but I know that I am able to leave my wall down for a little longer each time.

What you are feeling is important. Honor it, talk to T about it, and know that you will find your way through it.

Thanks Treehouse, Great post!!

(((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

Thank you very much. I needed to hear you say these words.

Oh my God Wepow! I LOVE THIS! At first I was like "huh?" but I the more I thought about it, I think sometimes for trauma victims, the opposite of being scared of someone is feeling loved by them. Maybe that's where we was going with replacing the word "scared" with "loved"?

I"m sorry you had that horrible scary encounter in the stairwell...I can understand why you would be mad at T. I get mad at T for no good reason sometimes. I just get a feeling or he says something triggering and it sets me off. I immediatly go to the "I-hate-T-and-I'm-never-going-back" place.

I'm sorry you are having an "off" week too, try to accept the strange-ness and know that it will pass. You don't have to try to name it, just know its there and it means something that you will learn when it's time.

Thinking of you and sending you many hugs