[googley]

I don't feel like I deserve to have my T like me. I feel like she should hate me. I know she will tell me that is wrong. (not in those words). But I really feel like it. I feel like she would be better off helping someone else. That I should just climb back under the rock I came out from (if I can find it). I wish she would just hate me. It would be so much easier to deal with. To not have to care what she thinks.

I'm sorry. I know I'm totally screwed up right now. I can't even explain how it feels.

I wish I could just disappear.

[online user]

So sorry you are feeling so low, googley. You do know, I think, that you are being totally irrational in thinking that--you are just really down right now. I have been pretty low at times, myself and I get feelings like that then. Do try to do something nice for yourself, to help you feel a bit better perhaps, till this passes. Maybe take a hot shower or bubble bath, or a walk outside to get some fresh air. Then maybe curl up under a warm comforter and take a nap. Do take some big, deep breaths and let yourself relax. Hugs to you, and my best wishes that you will feel better soon!

[Onward2wards]

(((((Googley)))))
You don't have to explain how it feels. There are others who have been there. I know.

Do something you really enjoy - something self-affirming - even if you don't feel motivated to right now. Remind yourself of things you have done right. Do something, however small, that you can take genuine pride in having accomplished. The more you act like you DO have worth, the easier it becomes to disbelieve those self-downing thoughts. Don't forget you DO have good qualities, value and potential that others can see in you, you just can't see it yourself at the moment.

You feel that bad, and yet here you are, reaching out to connect and facing the day anyway. That's strength and determination, right there!

((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))

Yep. I get it.

From the outside, I can easily say that you are deserving of love. From T, from others, and from yourself. But wow, I can so relate to the feeling of NOT deserving that at all. And it hurts.

Do you think it's self-protective? I think I protect myself with the "I don't deserve love" thoughts. That way, if I'm not loved, it's okay. It hurts less. I told T once that I think that I keep myself in a low level of pain all the time to avoid BIG pain that surprises me out of nowhere.

I am in a "I suck, no one could ever love me" phase right now. I left a message with T last night telling him that the depth of it surprises even me. The only way I can find to get through it right now is by letting it be there, treating myself gently, and believing that someday it will feel different. I am making a really conscious effort to not follow the spiraly path my thoughts want to take me down. It's work, but it feels like a step back towards the light.

Be gentle with you, googley I like you VERY much.

[WikidPissah]

((((googely)))) stop beating up on my googley!

You are worth the time, attention and care you receive from T.

[granite1]

i know it is hard to feel this way but you are totally deserving of your T care and help.you are awsome googly

on pc you are careing
patient
you listen
are awsome
smart
and so much more

[Wantfornot]

I totally agree. I had to look at who poated this thread thinking that I may have posted it in my sleep. I don't understand why my T wastes her time on me. I feel like I am failing therapy because I feel like by now I should be "healed". I am really fighting myself to not quit right now because of all of these feelings. I have 2 sessions per week and feel if I stopped then maybe she could help 2 different people.
I have no advice on how to get out of these thoughts except to keep pushing. Everyone says to talk about it with T but that makes me want to push away further. I never imagined therapy to be so hard.

[SpiritRunner]

I get it too, googley, I do. but remember the truth is that you ARE deserving and you ARE worth and so long as you are still trying, you are NOT failing in therapy or in life! I think your T sees you as someone who is trying, someone who deserves help, someone she wants to help and believes she can help....this is the truth you need to own.

[WePow]

((((((((((Googley))))))))))

[googley]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I know I get this way when I get depressed, but at the time it is sooooo hard to not believe it. I went off my meds because of money issues, and I know that is making it worse. I get so emotionally liable and feel so depressed. But I can't seem to stop it even knowing what causes it.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Do you think it's self-protective? I think I protect myself with the "I don't deserve love" thoughts. That way, if I'm not loved, it's okay. It hurts less. I told T once that I think that I keep myself in a low level of pain all the time to avoid BIG pain that surprises me out of nowhere.

I think this is part of it. I don't want to hurt again if I have to stop seeing her. Right now everything seems so unsure.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't feel like I deserve to have my T like me. I feel like she should hate me. I know she will tell me that is wrong. (not in those words). But I really feel like it. I feel like she would be better off helping someone else. That I should just climb back under the rock I came out from (if I can find it). I wish she would just hate me. It would be so much easier to deal with. To not have to care what she thinks.

I'm sorry. I know I'm totally screwed up right now. I can't even explain how it feels.

I wish I could just disappear.

(((Googley)))
I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
This sounds like a very specific feeling, the feeling of "not deserving to have your T like you" or "wanting your T to hate you." This really sounds like a strong trigger to me. I can relate because I have had strong triggers too. Although mine are more along the lines of, "I can only be myself when I am completely alone" and "the world is better off if I make myself as scarce as possible." Do you think it would be helpful to take your specific post to your T?
And lastly, YES, you do deserve to recieve help and yes, you do deserve to feel better and you deserve to feel loved and cared for. We care for you here on pc. Thinking of you and hope you feel a bit better soon.


Elana