[granite1]

trigger do to mention of SU.



when my T brought up how scared i was of her i just froze .it brought back all those feelings and memories.my T saw this and asked if i wanted to talk about what just went through my head.i couldnt so she changed the subject.i want to try and explain as best i can what was going on and let her know but i am worried about it.can i get some feedback if i shouldnt say something or not.this is the letter

Hi
I wanted to try and write to you about what it was like when I was so afraid of you. I have been nervous about coming to therapy, I have wanted to leave to avoid talking, scared to talk about things, but being afraid of you is very different .this has only happened twice that I can remember. I don’t really understand much of what went on at all. So I’m sorry if a lot of it makes no sense
I was ok when I got there and then things got all bad. One minute things were ok but then the next the person who I have come to affectionately refer to as the scary therapist showed up .I had forgotten I had even sent those e-mails, never mind what I had written in them. I was being told to read these things and I was afraid of what you were going to do if I didn’t read them. I can’t seem to come up with the words to even say what was going through my head .I had no choice but to read those words. It was kind of like I was on auto pilot. I had thoughts like, just do what she says and get out. I could hear me reading but my head was saying just do it .I was really scared, I didn’t understand why you were doing this to me and what you were going to do next, especially if I didn’t read those words. After that I could hardly think straight .I just felt so miserable and just terrified. Thinking about it now I still don’t understand why and what went on. I mean I know you would never hit me or anything. I think back now about what is the worst thing you could have done to me then, tell me to leave, call me angry names, heck even if you did hall off and smack me it doesn’t seem to equal the amount of fear I had. I know all this is just stupid now, and I was totally being overly dramatic but please believe me at the time it just seemed really real.
When I left there things didn’t get any better. My thoughts were just crazy and also scary .I kept thinking I wanted to smash my car into a big tree on the way home, that I was nothing. I didn’t want to go home; I didn’t want my husband to ask me anything. I can’t even put words to how I was feeling. I think I was still scared and angry. I thought just making it out of your office would make things better but it didn’t. I hate being that way, so small, so worthless, and a pain in the *** brat. I was just being so pathetic and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop the way I was thinking. That just happens sometimes. I know this but again sometimes it just seems so real. Every part of me believes this as truth.
I wish I could find some way to let you know that at the time it was really no big deal to me that you didn’t get those stupid e-mails. I really don’t want you feeling like it were a huge problem for me because it wasn’t. I really wish that it hadn’t been for you either and I am so sorry for that. I hope you believe I mean that. One more question, Is it ok that I mail this to you. At least I know you have it, even if it is a month from now because you hate getting your mail. I promise it won’t be a big deal. I seriously doubt I will ever have just handed it to you .NOPE NOT READY FOR THAT YET!!!!! .seriously if it is a problem I did this I’m sorry and will accept this fact and not do it again. I know you would rather I just talk but it is not easy. ok time to stop I am scaring myself.
Thanks

sorry it is long and thank you so much is you made it through reading it

[SpiritRunner]

granite, you were so honest and so clear! I can't tell you to change anything; I don't really think there's anything you need to change. I think it's brave of you to honestly share these things; it's Ok to write them first. If it leads into you being able to talk about them, that's good. But this is a good way to start!

[Tatyana2009]

Agreed. I think this letter is very good. You are honest and brave. I think healing comes only if we are honest and brave. So i would recommend giving this letter to your t. In addition - there is important info here that i think t must know about to keep you safe in the future. Hope this helps xxx

[learning1]

that is really cool that you could explain it what you felt. sorry it was so difficult.
thanks for sharing it on PC, and hope you can share it with your t

[Elli-Beth]

I write to my T a lot about stuff like this that's hard or scary to explain and he says it's good to get it out.

[granite1]

i just hope she doesnt get angry at me snail mailing it.we all know HER hang up about me using words instead of letters .maybe i will bring a copy also just incase she gets angry and says something like what if i didnt get this or something.i can say i got it covered.seriously though i am scared she will get angry if i mail it but i know i wont be able to give it to her if i bring it with me.i know this

[learning1]

Great idea Granite
If she doesn't seem like she got it in the mail, maybe you can just give it to her. I don't know the timing of the mail and your session, if you think she'll get it in time

[karebear1]

Your letter to T was skillfully written and very heartfelt. It was very clear and I could feel your fear as you described it to your T. I agree with Tatyana2009- there is some very valuable informatin in there, and your writing it out may be the only way you can get to it for now. Asking her to accept this effort in trying to communicate something that is VERY difficult for you to say is perfectly ok too.

Are you willing to discuss this letter with your T after she gets it in the email? If so, then I would suggest adding that you'd be willing to do so in your next sesson and could she please let you know that she received it- then you don't have to worry about it again.

I sent my T an email last week and she was very sweet about it. I think it was ok because I revealed some very deep feelings like you have. She did not shame me for sending it or make me feel like I did something wrong. Ya know what she did? She wrote a little note back saying that she appreciated the email and could see that it was very difficult for me to write. She also acknowledged how scarey it was for me to write it and send to her- She said that because I told her I was frightened in the email. She was wonderful- and really appreciated my effort in trying to share my feelings with her. I think your T can be this way too.

You are trying sooooo hard to reach out- and I think your T will see that and hopefully acknowledge that. I think it would be good if you sent it. Like WePow would say...... You deserve to have a voice and have it heard too!

[Tatyana2009]

Has she ever gotten angry with you before?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Has she ever gotten angry with you before?

i feel like she has and for sure i know that she would rather me try to use words instead of sending her letters. i cant promice her that i would talk about it either.this was part of her problem with the e-mails i sent her i would send them and then not talk about them with her.i really am going to try.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Your letter to T was skillfully written and very heartfelt. It was very clear and I could feel your fear as you described it to your T. I agree with Tatyana2009- there is some very valuable informatin in there, and your writing it out may be the only way you can get to it for now. Asking her to accept this effort in trying to communicate something that is VERY difficult for you to say is perfectly ok too.

Are you willing to discuss this letter with your T after she gets it in the email? If so, then I would suggest adding that you'd be willing to do so in your next sesson and could she please let you know that she received it- then you don't have to worry about it again.

I sent my T an email last week and she was very sweet about it. I think it was ok because I revealed some very deep feelings like you have. She did not shame me for sending it or make me feel like I did something wrong. Ya know what she did? She wrote a little note back saying that she appreciated the email and could see that it was very difficult for me to write. She also acknowledged how scarey it was for me to write it and send to her- She said that because I told her I was frightened in the email. She was wonderful- and really appreciated my effort in trying to share my feelings with her. I think your T can be this way too.

You are trying sooooo hard to reach out- and I think your T will see that and hopefully acknowledge that. I think it would be good if you sent it. Like WePow would say...... You deserve to have a voice and have it heard too!

i dont think i would ever be able to promice her that i would talk about it and i dont think she would believe it even if i did.we do have an agreement sence our huge fall out that i will try.she said that was a start. i just wish i could go in and just talk.life would be good then.i have been doing ok and hope i am not pushing my luck in sending this.i have been able to talk some for 3 sessions in a row now.i know that sounds stupid but for me this is nothing short of a miricle

[karebear1]

It doesn't sound stupid to me Granite. I have a very difficult time talking about anything of substance in T. I know how that feels for sure. I'm so happy that you have seen some recent success in this area though! It's very exciting isn't it? Just little bits at a time Granite. I see you mailing that letter as a huge step- You are overcoming a great fear for you. That takes GREAT courage and strength.

[elliemay]

I think it is a great letter too.

I would strongly encourage you to take a copy of it into the session with you and psych yourself up to at least read it, or parts of it that you think are important - OR the parts that you think are the safest to be spoken.

I do think your T will want to hear the words actually.

I also worry that she might view this letter as an end run around the no email rule. You absolutely have every right to a voice how and when you want to use it, but I worry that if she doesn't even check her email often, I wonder how often she checks her snail mail.

I would hate to see the same scenario repeated. It just wouldn't be fair.

So definitely have it with you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Try really hard to bring the letter with you Granite - it literally took me more than a year to speak in therapy...journal entries and notes were what got me through and then little by little I started to use my voice. It is very rare now that I have to resort to writing things down. Get the words out, one way or another. I'm thinking of you. Do you need any pocket riders?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I think it is a great letter too.

I would strongly encourage you to take a copy of it into the session with you and psych yourself up to at least read it, or parts of it that you think are important - OR the parts that you think are the safest to be spoken.

I do think your T will want to hear the words actually.

I also worry that she might view this letter as an end run around the no email rule. You absolutely have every right to a voice how and when you want to use it, but I worry that if she doesn't even check her email often, I wonder how often she checks her snail mail.

I would hate to see the same scenario repeated. It just wouldn't be fair.

So definitely have it with you.

lastnight i decided not to send this letter because i dont want her to get angry or take this away from me.i'm going to just bring it and hope i am able to give it to her it is no big deal if i dont.i just dont want her getting angry at me

[Tatyana2009]

If she preferred for you to talk rather than emai - i understand that. And she has. a point. But if you being the letter to the session then it shows willingness on your part to try.

I think its worth discussing your fear of her anger and your perception of her. Sounds to me like there is an issue with trust. And also maybe you have an issue with your own anger.

Do keep working and stay safe and brave xx

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by granite1

lastnight i decided not to send this letter because i dont want her to get angry or take this away from me.i'm going to just bring it and hope i am able to give it to her it is no big deal if i dont.i just dont want her getting angry at me

I think the decision to no mail the letter represent a significant amount of wisdom on your part.

I know it feels like it right, but do you really think your therapist was angry at you? I suspect it was concern/co-mingled with a strong desire for you to find your voice and talk. Just talk.

I want you to do something for me okay? I want you to, in the safety of your house, close your eyes and visualize yourself reading parts of the letter to your therapist in her office. Try to actually see yourself reading the words and not being afraid. If you do get panicky, stop, and try again later. Ask yourself, what would a brazen, bold, entitled person do?

If you can see it in your mind's eye, then you can act it in real life. I do this myself with a lot of things, and I'm always surprised at how well it works. It's like a rehearsal before the grand opening you know?

remember if you get scared in this exercise, stop.

[Sannah]

Granite, I love your letter! It would be really good to share it with your T.

Originally Posted by granite1

I hate being that way, so small, so worthless, and a pain in the *** brat. I was just being so pathetic and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop the way I was thinking. That just happens sometimes. I know this but again sometimes it just seems so real. Every part of me believes this as truth.

I think that you were triggered in her office when this happened. You were triggered back to the past and at that moment you were that child that suffered so much at the hands of the mother. Understanding that this is happening is the first step in working through this so that you can get it to stop. The above part that I quoted summarizes being triggered back into time.

[Tatyana2009]

Sannha - this is for the individual to find out for themselves, if this is true, and I suspect by interpreting Granite1's feelings and responses you are doing her diservice even when you mean well. There is a fine line between helping and controlling.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Granite, I love your letter! It would be really good to share it with your T.


I think that you were triggered in her office when this happened. You were triggered back to the past and at that moment you were that child that suffered so much at the hands of the mother. Understanding that this is happening is the first step in working through this so that you can get it to stop. The above part that I quoted summarizes being triggered back into time.

my T said something like this she called it progection that i see her as this mean angry person like matbe the mother.but she tells me she isnt this person but it always seems so real when i am feeling this way and then hate myself later for the way i was acting.knowing that it isnt true.can you believe i have been able to talk for three sesions .i think it is a personal record.i mean i'm not talking her ear off but i did speak more than one words

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

If she preferred for you to talk rather than emai - i understand that. And she has. a point. But if you being the letter to the session then it shows willingness on your part to try.

I think its worth discussing your fear of her anger and your perception of her. Sounds to me like there is an issue with trust. And also maybe you have an issue with your own anger.

Do keep working and stay safe and brave xx

i am going to bring the letter and hope she reads it and doesnt ask me to i know i wont be able to.i am going to try to do what ellie may sugested so maybe it wont be so terrifying to talk if i have said it a bunch of times and not panic.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

If she preferred for you to talk rather than emai - i understand that. And she has. a point. But if you being the letter to the session then it shows willingness on your part to try.

I think its worth discussing your fear of her anger and your perception of her. Sounds to me like there is an issue with trust. And also maybe you have an issue with your own anger.

Do keep working and stay safe and brave xx

she said that i tend to use my writing letters and e-mail in place of talking to her and then i go to session and i have a hard time even opening my mouth.it just seems like she has taken any ability for me to communicate exsept to talk to her and it is really hard for me. most times i just cant do it

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am going to bring the letter and hope she reads it and doesnt ask me to i know i wont be able to.i am going to try to do what ellie may sugested so maybe it wont be so terrifying to talk if i have said it a bunch of times and not panic.

I think it is OK to do it this way! You are being very brave, dear granite!

[rainbow8]

granite!! I didn't want to say my opinion earlier because I wondered if you would come to the realization yourself, and you did!! It is much better to bring the letter than to mail it. You're really stepping out of your pattern to realize that for yourself!! I'm proud of you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite!! I didn't want to say my opinion earlier because I wondered if you would come to the realization yourself, and you did!! It is much better to bring the letter than to mail it. You're really stepping out of your pattern to realize that for yourself!! I'm proud of you.

thanks rain you know i have brought things before and havnt given them to her at all i was to afraid i hope i can really step out of my pattern and give it to her.i dont understand why is this so hard.the giving it to her i supose it is the fear of what she will do with it