I think T's a perv....

Don't rush to conclusions. He is a therapist and will be dealing with people with a variety of issues. Having certain kinds of correspondents does not make a therapist a 'perv' - but he could well be dealing with someone who is involved in the porn, etc. industry. The correspondent could be the one with issues, not necessarily your therapist. There are just so many possibilities -- most likely this is a mistake anyway. There is a tiny little chance that your T is indeed a 'perv', but why would that be true, and not the other thousands of possiiblities? And how long have you been with this T - did you ever suspect that he might be a 'perv'? I honestly think this is more about you than him, and I hope he will be able to reassure you when you bring it up. Another issue worth exploring is you noticing this and investigating the details (I would have automatically deleted something like this without much thouhgt) - I suspect some long standing trust issues cropping up in your relationship with him, and I wonder why that is. But then again, this is all just a speculation and I might be utterly wrong...

If I were a therapist, I'd want to know about the hacking or whatever it is.

As to the other stuff, i.e. 'Is he a porno? I can't feel comfortable with a T who likes porn.', etc. I don't know about dealing with those right yet.

I know I sound nuts. I UNDERSTAND that this could be a million other things and not just a perv., hence the title being I think he's a perv. I wasn't investigating details, I hit reply just to let him know he was hacked, and in the body I just noticed the email addresses and a couple of them jumped out. I knew what pucker up was ahead of time, I had read about it. I later went there to see if it was as bad as I thought, and NO it wasn't. I did not investigate the others, I just deleted the email. that doesn't wipe what I read out of my brain though.

And yea...I have big time trust issues, I am just starting to be honest with this guy and I want to know I am making the right decision. Over the past several mos. there has been a few off handed remarks said that caused me to think he may be a perv. Nothing concrete though, so I am not saying for sure that he is.

I'm not quitting T over this...it just gave me pause to stand back a bit. I was just processing it on here like a million others do. Sorry if no one get's why I freaked out.

There's that old saying, "Trust your instincts."

As for dealing with it; Is he in practice alone? How about mentioning it to his supervisor?

Maybe the confusion is because you should have a third party involved. Someone less likley to blow up at your worries. If you're right he might take some kind of action against you.

How bout asking one of the docs on here, what to do?

I think that's the best answer, third party involvement.

Personally I think there is a much larger issue at play here and that is security of your communication with your therapist.

If his email can be hacked or spammed, then perhaps he should invest in something in order to keep you safer.

No email is completely secure, in fact a lot of therapists/physicians won't use it at all to discuss anything.

But this breach of security is the elephant in the room to me.

FWIW the dean of the school of medicine where I worked got hacked and his email sent out a picture of a naked woman jumping into a hot tub containing a chimpanzee, and two other men. This email went to his entire faculty.

Let me tell you, some IT people really got slammed over that one and a whole new email system was put in place.

The really funny thing was that the email still contained the "this email is private and confidential....." clause at the bottom!

I get it, WP. That would trigger me too, honestly, and it WOULD make me wonder about a lot of things.

We put a lot of trust in this person without knowing who they "really" are. I know that especially early in therapy, I was always looking for "clues" as to who T was, whether he was safe, whether I could really trust him, all of that.

It makes a lot of sense to me. I hope you will let yourself feel how you feel, and let yourself talk to T about it.

I know how you feel. I had a similar situation, not with email but with an actual session. The first T I saw in town was the only psychologist in town. I was happy to get in with a psychologist and not just a therapist.

I do have some sexual..."issues"...basically really stupid crap I did that can be explained by either mania or the borderline. But he kept asking VERY DETAILED questions about my sex life, I mean extremely detailed. I won't go into it because it might trigger. But he just kept asking and asking and asking even when I said I didn't want to answer. This was only our 2nd session.

It was a 5:00 appointment so when I left, the elevators were not running (they have elevator operators, really old building). I went down the stair well and all I could think was that this sick-o psychologist was going to follow me and rape me in the stairwell.

That's where my mind went. But was he really a perv? Maybe not. Maybe this was just his way of figuring out why I did what I did, so he could help me stop. I don't know.

All I know is I never went back again. Trouble is he works in the same office building as my former pnurse and now my new therapist, so I run into him occasionally. Sucks.

Anyway....like others said, your T could be innocent, and there could be a very rational explanation for all of this. When my email got hacked it was sending messages to the entire universe. I had to shut down my email address to stop it.

But if you will always be thinking "my T is a perv" no matter what, then it may not work out for you.

I have to go with the philosophy that although in therapy it may not seem like it, Therapists are people too and PEOPLE have down falls. They are not perfect. They are not saints.

He doesn't owe you an explanation of whether the sites were his or not. In all honesty it doesn't really matter. As long as his down falls do not effect your future therapeutic relationship with him. Every T from dawn to dusk has their own lives outside of therapy and when we get a glimpse of them, it's scary and overwhelming. Even "unsafe" feeling.

In the grand scheme of things I think you need to tell him WHY him( or anyone you need to trust) having a porn addiction/ or watching porn may effect you.

i.e because my father was a porn addict and I could not trust him.

If your father was a cigar smoker and you found out T smoked cigars... would that be hard to deal with?

For me my abuser was an alcoholic, and I freeze if I come near a drunk person. One day I saw a picture of my T holding a beer and it really effected me. I even considered that my therapist was a drunk because of one beer. Which made me think he was unsafe. T let me know that occasionally he may drink a beer when he is with his brothers from out of town. Seeing this side of him made me scared, but I worked through it. Since then I have met many alcoholics who are NOT bad people, in treatment and so fourth. And when they are not actively drunk I am able to trust them.

Alcohol, cigars, sex is part of many people's lives. And not always in large quantities. And it's okay to be scared, but don't run away because you are. That's only part of a dangerous game you'll continue to play.

That is pretty much where I have landed. Yes, he does have a porn thing, I know that for sure. But I like him, and as long as he keeps his porn email separate from his client email, we'll be all set. I even gave him some geeky tech advise about how to set up a secure email for clients. I think the thing that is hardest for me to get past, is that the porn chicks look similar to me. NO I don't mean I have a great bod or am pretty or anything...I mean that their style is kind of punk rock, with brightly dyed hair and black hoodies. But I got past that...thanks to all of you. Now if another thing comes up that makes me take a step back I might leave, let's hope all his bad stuff is on the table. *crosses fingers*

I think the big issue is that I have never let a T in this close, so every little thing matters. He's always late, he didn't stand up for me in crisis, he occasionally touches my back on the way out, he likes porn. In 6 years of T I have never had this many issues with a T...but I haven't gotten anywhere either.

I know I didn't post earlier, not being sure what to say, but I am glad you were able to process this and work it out with him. And that you are able to separate it out from the work he is doing with you as a T. Yes, sometimes people we like do have an unsavory sort of habit (or more than one!), and sometimes it's possible and even good to simply look past it to the good that they have to offer, if the good outweighs the rest! What's the point of being too judgmental.....though it is good to be carefully discerning in what is safe or not!

There is no way I would be able to NOT take this to therapy. It is just too big and needs explanation.

yea Echos...I know, but I am not "there" yet. I am still in the "lets poke him with a stick and see if he moves" stage...lol. I know it sounds dumb, I should probably run for the hills, I dunno, I have crappy luck with T's. I had "sage burning indian priestess" then I had "dbt t with son dying of cancer"...then I had "Catholic..you need an exorcism T"...I guess "late porn T" doesn't seem so bad...right??? I mean, I live on a freaking island, what more can I ask for?

((((WP))))) You have some very interesting Ts where you are!!! WOW!

"Let's poke him with a stick and see if he moves" stage. LOL!! OMG WP- you are something else!

I also laughed at the "lets poke him with a stick and see if he moves stage".

But in all seriousness you need communication. Whenever you are ready for that. But it takes TRUST for communication. So going from T to T is not effective.

If you don't appreciate him touching your shoulder you need to say it. If what he did at crisis hurt you, you need to say it. If his email with porn names effects you, you need to say it. If the girls looking like you effects you, then you need to say it. But like you said you're not "there" yet. You need trust before you can say it. And that takes awhile to build up. But don't run away from therapists unless they have seriously harmed you.

Like I said before therapists are not perfect. I have had to set mine straight a good many times when he does things I don't like. And if you let stuff slide in real life, then who better to practice on using your voice then a therapist? If they didn't mess up, then who would we practice on!?

I get it. I stayed with the last guy for 3 years...but the exorcism thing kept coming up no matter how many times I said it bugged me. The other few were just no-go's pretty quickly, within a few months. The current guy has 7 months on him...so I do see a good fit, and I am getting there, I am beginning to trust. Just not enough to confront him on things yet.

Perhaps one thing to consider is this need not be a confrontation at all, but rather a conversation in which you both come to some sort of resolution together.

I mean he's bound to be embarrassed (I know I would be) and you're confused and upset.

But it sounds like something you two need to talk about.

If it were me, I wouldn't let this "sit there", again, for me, this could fester into something quite nasty.

I would try to honest and open, even angry, but not accusatory, because I'm sure that last thing he would have wanted was this very personal thing spewed all over his client list .

I think you're definitely entitled to having a say here.

Just remember that he is still the same T. You do not know him as a man and don't really need to.
I know that for ppl with SA history it is hard to accept a sexual part of every human being.
Sex IS normal, when adults do it and nobody is forced. Could be even fun.
So he likes porn (most men do- probably your H too- please don't freak out). It does not mean that he "likes" (not sure how to put it better) it when you describe your past.
I would freak out finding a site with child pornography or something similar.

However I agree with others that you need to discuss it with your T. If its bothering you you should tell him. Surely you've already discussed far more troubling matters

WikidPissah,

Did you ever see a lady therapist? Any better? I mistrust men so I'd only see a lady. (Sorry to any guys -- my own issues).