unraveling

googley · Apr 01, 2011, 06:09 PM

((((((((((Tree))))))))

WePow · Apr 01, 2011, 07:44 PM

(((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

PTSDlovemycats · Apr 01, 2011, 07:46 PM

((((treehouse)))

Suratji · Apr 01, 2011, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

My day was AWFUL. Trying hard to connect with people, kind of missing, feeling all paranoid, getting angry at the people in my band (? NEVER do that ever).

T DID NOT CALL ME BACK OR E-MAIL ME. His voice mail doesn't say that he's out of the office.

So. That was a mistake, I wish I hadn't called/e-mailed because the lack of a reply sort of took away some of the good feelings I was having about the break.

I think I give up.

Tree - what are you going to give up exactly?

Apr 01, 2011, 07:54 PM

Sigh.

I went to a 12 step meeting, and it was good to get out of my house and good to get out of my head. I just listened, and it was good.

Now I'm home, and I'm super sleep deprived so I'm going to bed soon. Because I can still take care of myself, and I should.

What can I do? It is what it is. I don't even know what else to say.

googley · Apr 01, 2011, 08:46 PM

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))

You are doing what is important, taking care of yourself.

Sannah · Apr 11, 2011, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

What I DIDN'T expect was that this old pattern of REALLY feeling not good enough, and of feeling everyone is going to be angry at me and hate me, would come back. I forgot that was even a pattern for me, because it's been so long since it felt this bad. But here it is. I can't find my SELF. It's all about taking care of everyone and trying to make sure no one is angry. And, in the end, I think it's actually just MAKING people angry.

It scares me because it was SO unexpected and it's still SO powerful. I feel like I don't have to tools to deal with it, but I must. I just don't know what they are. I am trying to get quiet and find Me and find my higher power and figure out the next right thing to do, but I am a little paralyzed with fear, and a little lost. The thing with H this morning feels like a symptom of something bigger that is cropping up and it scares me and makes me sad.

Tree, this is the road to healing. (Working out all of these triggers.) I haven't read all of your other threads yet. Wondering where you are with this now?

Apr 11, 2011, 05:29 PM

Well, I e-mailed T, and we are meeting on Friday morning for an hour. I just need to check in and see where I'm at, if I want to go back, if I want to continue the break.

My mom is in end-stage alcoholism and her symptoms are starting to really scare me. I am her only caregiver. She's only 62, but healthwise, she is like my 88 year old grandma. I'm afraid she's going to die soon...and my entire life has been about KEEPING. HER. ALIVE. so it's a lot. I think I need to be taken care of for a minute while I sort through this.

My life is just very chaotic right now for various reasons, and I'm having trouble finding some quiet space to just be. I know that that can totally spiral me downward...it spiraled me down so much once that I almost ended up in the hospital...so I want to be aware of it and try to pull myself out of it before it's too deep.

I *know* from experience that sometimes the smallest shift starts things moving in a better direction. So, I am open and waiting for the shift, and looking forward to seeing T on Friday.

Thanks for checking on me

nannypat · Apr 11, 2011, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

Well, I e-mailed T, and we are meeting on Friday morning for an hour. I just need to check in and see where I'm at, if I want to go back, if I want to continue the break.

My mom is in end-stage alcoholism and her symptoms are starting to really scare me. I am her only caregiver. She's only 62, but healthwise, she is like my 88 year old grandma. I'm afraid she's going to die soon...and my entire life has been about KEEPING. HER. ALIVE. so it's a lot. I think I need to be taken care of for a minute while I sort through this.

My life is just very chaotic right now for various reasons, and I'm having trouble finding some quiet space to just be. I know that that can totally spiral me downward...it spiraled me down so much once that I almost ended up in the hospital...so I want to be aware of it and try to pull myself out of it before it's too deep.

I *know* from experience that sometimes the smallest shift starts things moving in a better direction. So, I am open and waiting for the shift, and looking forward to seeing T on Friday.

Thanks for checking on me

I am so glad you are taking care of you. This sounds like a very wise move. I am sure he will be happy to see how well you have done.

I am sorry about your mom.

learning1 · Apr 11, 2011, 09:19 PM

sittingatwatersedge · Apr 12, 2011, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

my entire life has been about KEEPING. HER. ALIVE.

Tree, you have children and a husband and your own destiny to work on... I know your Mom is a large figure in life - maybe the largest - but your entire life is not about keeping her alive. Oh I wish I could take that burden off you, it is a great weight that doesn't deserve to crush you like this.

You are a good daughter to her and that's what your life is about in her area, but she is not your whole life. Please try to understand that.

When my Mom died I was so surprised at the new landscape I saw around me. Before her death I had thought (a little) about what it would be like, if she wasn't there, but when we came to the event, wow it was very different. Not bad, I am not saying it was bad - just unexpectedly different.

Sannah · Apr 12, 2011, 01:07 PM

Great self care Tree!

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