unraveling

So, last night I was in this place of feeling unsure about my relationships.

This morning, I was SOUND asleep and kind of aware of my H in bed with me. He had to get up at 2:30 to work (at home) and I knew he had come back to bed. I remember he felt really cold and was curling up with me. I was sleeping and dreaming and the alarm went off and I couldn't believe it was time to get up, because I was SOOOO tired and SOOOO deep in sleep. I said "oh my god, are you kidding me?". About what, I don't know. Maybe about having to wake up.

H took it as a rejection and jumped out of bed and was like "bye, I'm going to work" (90 minutes early). I was so confused - half-awake and half-asleep - and was trying to wake up and figure out what was going on. And he was storming out of the room.

So, I jumped out of bed and grabbed a robe and came downstairs. He's mad at me, but it's SO not fair, because i was ASLEEP (I still feel half asleep) and I didn't do anything. I know he was wide awake because he'd been awake for hours at that point, so maybe we were just in different places, but I was just confused (still am). I started crying, HARD. It's so triggering to me to wake up and have someone be angry at me, when I was SLEEPING. It's scary and doesn't feel fair and is way way way too reminiscent of my childhood.

And it comes on top of all of my insecurities yesterday about friends. I don't know what is going on, but I'm sad and scared and disappointed in myself. No matter how hard I try, I can't do this right. I'm not awake enough to find the part of me that can be gentle with myself, and all I am is a pile of triggers and fear.

I hate me.

(((((((Tree))))))))

Maybe your H is picking up on your fears and maybe he feels afraid too but doesn't want to let you know that? Maybe he wants to help you out and give you everything you need but he doesn't know how to do that yet? Sometimes when a mate wants to help the most, they appear angry at us when they are really angry inside at themselves for not knowing the right thing to do or what is best for us.

BIG HUGS!!!

((((Tree)))) Make sure you let H know that you didn't mean to hurt him, and how it felt when he walked out of the room. Write him a note or text him or call him. Try to make it more about him than you, but let him know that you need to be "forgiven" and you need to know he still loves you. Because bottom line is you need to be sure of his love, and his anger diminishes that certainty.

((((((((WePow)))))))))

No. He was honestly just angry at me. We were in two different places -he was wide awake and I was asleep - and had a moment of miscommunication (I guess because I was essentially still sleeping at this point) and that was that. Now he's at work, and I'm here.

People being angry at me is my biggest trigger.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just call T and say "I'm finding out I still can't do relationships. I need to come back before my world falls apart". Part of me wants to stick it out and see what happens.

It's funny. I *thought* I would go back to therapy because I miss T, but that part of all of this is fine. I'm just scared that all of my old fears bubbling up are going to affect all of the real life relationships that are so important to me. I'm losing ME, getting into this mode where I have to please everyone else and I'm so scared of people being mad, and I'm afraid it's just going to spiral and spiral and spiral and I'm going to make things worse and worse and worse.

Where AM I? Where is the me that is okay with myself? T is expensive. I want to be able to be on my own for a while, but it's not worth the fear of losing my relationships.

And the worst part (?) is that so much of this is in my own head and i KNOW it, but i can't tease out what's just old, triggered stuff and what's real today.

Help.

Thanks (((((((((((WP))))))))))))))).

We did manage to talk about it before he left (although I was crying, so I don't know how effective it was). I apologized, and explained that I was still asleep, and that I didn't understand what was going on. I DO love him so much, and I've been telling him that even more than usual lately.

I don't want to fall apart.

Should I call T and make an appt? My mantra has been to just wait things out, because i'm learning if I wait things out, they get better. But my fear of disconnection with my H and my friends is SO great and the timing - therapy break and then disconnect with everyone -is scaring me. I don't even care if I see *T* - I just need someone to help me with this.

I'm doing a HORRIBLE job. I know people love me. I think. But I am afraid my fears are going to ruin it.

((((( Tree )))))

If you feel the need to call T, then by all means call him!! It's not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign that you realize that you still need help. Imagine how incredibly lucky you are to have T and know that you can get the help you need.

I'm sorry you're so scared right now. (((( BIG BIG HUGS ))))

tree remember your husband being mad at you just isnt the end of the world and he loves you i know it may feel like the end of the world to every part of your being but in time you will see it isnt your husband will come home from work and hopefully he will have calmed down and you guys can talk.let him know it was a misunderstanding and you were still assleep.even if he is still angry he will eventually get over it and you will have survived it.he loves you.
people get angry,people are messy.we have no controle over there emotions.only how we respond to them.remember two people are involved in this and he also has a part.these are his feelings and is allowed to have them as scary as it is for you.this doesnt mean he doesnt love you ,wants to hurt you,or anything.he maybe was having a grumpy morning himself and was overreacting to a simple comment.he gets to overreact also.not fun it's messy and scary for you i know but i know you can make it through it also.it is just a really rough moment

I left a message for T. I just told him (very briefly) what's been going on - how much I feel like I've grown AND how I'm getting into this people-pleasing FEAR mode and I'm scared to death of affecting my relationships. I asked if we could talk for a minute to help me sort out in my head if I need to come back or if I should keep taking a break and trying to work through this on my own.

I remember when I was trying to choose a therapist. I talked to a couple of the phone, and T was one of them, and he was so gentle. He didn't try to convince me to see HIM...he just listened and helped me work through the process of deciding. He said "pay attention and you'll know the right thing to do". I know he won't tell me what to do, but that he'll help me figure out what I want and need.

He has trainings and supervision groups on Fridays a lot. I hope this isn't one of those Fridays, but I have a feeling it might be, in which case I won't hear from him (or will hear late late this afternoon).

YOU ARE NOT DOING A HORRIBLE JOB. You are uncertain and trying something new, but it's not critical that you stay on break; nor is it critical that you go back; you and DH had a misunderstanding, and he really does love you, and you really love him; which will go far.

Why don't you let T answer yr email/phone call, and then see how you are? If you want to talk to him on phone would he do that? If you want to come see him, I am sure he will find room for his favorite client.

you are feeling as if you're on the tightwire with no safety net - but it's there, Tree, you are OK. please try to breathe and be at peace. You are doing fine and you have lots of options.

Miscommunications happen all the time in relationships, and they are NOT the end of the world. Don't get in a panic about this. This too shall pass.

((((((((((tree))))))))))) It will be OK, YOU will be OK!

You're right. I KNOW you're right.

But I think I see an old pattern starting, and I don't like it, and it's scaring me.

I have a son with autism, and when he was little, he didn't talk. His occupational therapist recommended that we try taking him off of dairy and gluten (because that makes a big difference with some ASD kids), and I fought it and then finally gave in because he was SO out of control and I wanted to try to help him and figured it was worth a shot.

I took him off of dairy first, and within a few days, he could name (verbally!) his colors. I was shocked. It wasn't what I was expecting at all...I was just hoping his temper tantrums would go down and he would be a little more "in the world" with us instead of in his own little head. It never even occurred to me that he might start talking, until he did.

That is how this feels. I wanted to take a break, and I did have certain expectations - that I would miss T, that I would learn how it feels to not have him in the background of my days for support, that I would see where I was at. I thought if anything, I might have trauma flashbacks, or just miss him so much that it undid me. Those things haven't happened.

What I DIDN'T expect was that this old pattern of REALLY feeling not good enough, and of feeling everyone is going to be angry at me and hate me, would come back. I forgot that was even a pattern for me, because it's been so long since it felt this bad. But here it is. I can't find my SELF. It's all about taking care of everyone and trying to make sure no one is angry. And, in the end, I think it's actually just MAKING people angry.

It scares me because it was SO unexpected and it's still SO powerful. I feel like I don't have to tools to deal with it, but I must. I just don't know what they are. I am trying to get quiet and find Me and find my higher power and figure out the next right thing to do, but I am a little paralyzed with fear, and a little lost. The thing with H this morning feels like a symptom of something bigger that is cropping up and it scares me and makes me sad.

The thing is, T hasn't called back, which makes me think he's probably not in the office today. And I know he's taking at least part of next week off, so the chances of him having any openings next week are pretty slim.

I think I just have to get through this. I just have to remember HOW.

post here reach out to friends get out go shopping maybe even get your nails painted.maybe turn it into a me day

Wow! The way I see it is that you are way ahead of the game here. You recognize a pattern of behaviour, can name it and own it.

yes, you've been blindsided by it, but you know what it is.

Remember when you said that you had more of your therapist internalized than you realized? What do you think he would say? What would you say to someone who came to you with this problem?

Can you write out how you feel and what may or may not be true about that? Given the fact that you can't change the situation, how would you change how you are reacting to it?

If you had no fear whatsoever what would you do right now?

Can you laugh?

What if I told you my new favorite bumper sticker is "I brake for boiled peanuts".

I ran across a quote the other day that I really like:
Life is impossible, and we live it everyday.

All will be well Tree, this will pass.

Life is impossible and we live it everyday.

(((Tree)))

All I can say today is that I can really relate. I'm feeling really distanced from my partner and concerned about my ability to "do relationships."
Hang in there. I will too.

Tree, you are doing GREAT! Just keep on being gentle and honest. You ARE doing it!

((((Tree))))

Take care. It will be OK.

You found your way out of that place before; you will be able to do it again.

Treehouse, it really isn't you. It's not that you can't do relationships. You just have to accept that sometimes people act mean or inconsiderate. What your husband did was not the most sympathetic and considerate things to do, to say the least, and there's no need for YOU to apologise to him. It is probably the other way around anyway, but the main thing is that you keep the lines of communication open. I guess he must have been tired and stressed having to get up that early and didn't act in the most friendly and kind way that morning. Sleep deprivation makes everyone selfish. But don't blame yourself for this incident. I hope you can resolve it soon.

((((((((((Tree)))))))))

My guess is that your husband thought you were talking about him and so thought you didn't want to curl up with him. A totally misscommunication of what was actually happening. But he took your comment personally and so was not able to listen when you apologized. That is not your fault.

Remember before when you felt so alone and then your friend reached out and emailed you out of the blue? It will get better. It will be okay. You can get through this. Be gentle with yourself. Try to remember the good times when it feels like everything is overwhelming.

Tree, I can so relate to being sooo anxious about having people angry at me it totally unravels me.I am a people pleaser. Both things I am trying to work on in therapy and have ruled my life. I feel like it is woven into the fabric of my being.
I don't think in anyway you can't do relationships. I think, for the first time in a while you are trying to do it on your own again.When kids first start to walk on their own they take a couple of steps at a time then sit. They don't run across the room all at once without holding on. If you need to "hold on" a little longer, that's fine. If not, you try again. You get to decide what's best for you.

This is the first time I have heard you mention the financial part concerning T. Are those concerns influencing your decisions on taking this break?

I agree with everybody else that everybody has up and down days and moods and this may have been one of those for your H and nothing more than that. It is different when you can't just say to yourself "I will talk to T about it next session. Sending you lots of hugs.

Tree - I totally relate to the fear of people getting mad at me. It is a trigger for me too. Mine is more focused on a "getting into trouble" fear.

But I have a question - does your H know this about you? Have you been to couples counseling? Since I started seeing T, I have been able to explain to my H some of my triggers and he has been very supportive and very understanding. Can you talk to your H about this?

Also, since you must have worked on this issue with T in the past, there must be some good coping skills that you received at that time. Can you remember what they are? Can you use them now?

He does know, for sure.

It's okay now. thanks

My day was AWFUL. Trying hard to connect with people, kind of missing, feeling all paranoid, getting angry at the people in my band (? NEVER do that ever).

T DID NOT CALL ME BACK OR E-MAIL ME. His voice mail doesn't say that he's out of the office.

So. That was a mistake, I wish I hadn't called/e-mailed because the lack of a reply sort of took away some of the good feelings I was having about the break.



I think I give up.

{{{}}}}}