Boundaries...

Does anyone else have problems with boundaries? I do. T said that I wasn't shown any growing up so it is hard for me to respect other people's boundaries and also to create any of my own. Just wondering if anyone else is struggling with this as well...

i think i am the total oposite i am one big huge boundry

I am always worried about boundaries and whether or not I can ask certain questions or say certain things. Does that count?

Oh Granite! You do make me smile!

I think so...

I guess what I am referring to is crossing boudaries...I should have clarified that. My bad.

I try very hard to respect people's boundaries because I fear being rejected. So I am overly cautious to my detriment. Because I unintentionally crossed a boundary with T, we had a chance to explore my fears. I had a severe emotional reaction when told I had done that. I never want to cross boundaries and I had and so T had opportunity to see one of my issues. So, no, I don't have the same history as yours

I also fear rejection very much but at the time that I am crossing boundaries that is not even entering my mind. Ofcourse I am talking about boundaries mostly with T.

so what are those boundaries with T?

Good question!! All I know is that if there is a boundary to cross I am sure to find it before anyone else!!

give some examples - I'm curious

I cannot set up boundaries with others very well. In fact, my current standing homework assignment is to say NO to an extra responsibility or something I DONT want to do 3x/week. I feel like a doormat, and that's because I typically am. It's very hard work though!

Yep. Me too.

i second that.

So, we're talking about 2 different things - crossing other people's boundaries OR setting our own personal boundaries. Cats - are you talking about both?

Yes, I am talking about both. As for examples....asking too many personal questions, not accepting no for an answer. That is all I can think of right now.

Because of my aspergers I don't automatically "get" boundaries that most people o without being told. Then on top of that I don't generalize boundaries from one person to the next. SO... I try and have the "where are the boundaries?" conversation with every new person I meet and like... Then they look at me strange for not just knowing them... AND just for the record... Most people who do "naturally" understand boundaries can't articulate where they are, what they are, or why they are... They just mutter that there is a boundary there and you should have known about it!

"normals" should come with user guides and a 24hr help line... with operators in the SAME country... Well... when it comes to boundaries they might even have to be in the same city! They are so frinkin' cultural/situational.

honestly for me boundaries seem to be black and white.my personal boundaries are all or nothing .like the people i care about,my husband best friend,and yes even family i seem to have no boundaries.but on the other hand with people in general i have nothing but boundaries and i stay away and avoid so that the huge boundaries are never crossed.why i dint know it is just better this way.as far as others boundaries i live in fear of crossing them all the time.i try hard not to because it only can come to lots of hurt and pain.hard to do because you never know until one is crossed .so most of the time i go with the theory of first do nothing and then it is safe.

hey hun,

yep I totally struggle with this and my T said almost the same thing to me also!

I have realised that by crossing boundaries (even if you dont realise) or being dependant or attached that you get hurt so I am very conscious now of crossing boundaries in any sense whether that includes things such as :
-any contact outside sessions
-asking anything at all that may be construed as personal
- trying to arrive atthe exact minute my apointment is due so that it doesnt come across that i am trying to extort any extra time
- wording everything very carefully
- never giving a gift or even asking if you can give a christmas card
- talking about anything that isnt directly involved in my situation e.g. perhaps a tv programme or something

so much i now have to watch like a hawk after being very badly treated by a mental health worker 2 years ago

Has your T given you this list of boundaries? I was blindsided because I didn't know about T boundaries going in. My T 'forgave' me for my transgression because I was new to therapy.

Now, since I've read a lot about the T/client relationship, I know a lot more about the boundaries. Unfortunately, my T hasn't expressly listed them so if I hadn't read up on it, I wouldn't know what I know now.

There is no set list of boundaries within a therapeutic relationship. My
therapist allows hugging, phone calls and letters between sessions and gift giving. Other therapists do not. I think it comes down each clients' particular situation and issues as to the setting of boundaries.

Hey hun,

no my T didnt give me that list, thats just my own and even some of mine a too "over the top" but its because I fear crossing boundaries due to being hurt in the past.
There are definately boundaries for theraputic relationships but it can depend on the therapist as to how strict the boundaries are. If you are worried about it though definately ask your therapist to go through it with you. Some therapists do this during the first session and perhaps yours did

An example of boundaries often set at the start of counselling could be,
-our sessions are at 3pm each friday,
-You should be on time were possible,
-If you are late to a session we will still end at the time that you would normally end at
- if you fail to show up to a session without giving at least 24hours notice or without extenuating circumstances, then you will still be charged for the full session.

Those type of things are boundaries in counselling - kind of like rules as to how to work together. They arent meant to be there to scare the client ( although because of the past treatment i do fear them) but to mean that both parties can work respectfully and in a manner that is understoof by both.

Sometimes therapists dont really talk about boundaries too much until they feel the client has kind of overstepped it - which is a little unfair but they perhaps feel if they start warning their client about boundaries then it may scare them for example:

your T may say that you can contact in between sessions if you need to speak to her and if you do this is fine, esp if you are in need. However if you are ringing constantly in between sessions this may be seen as an issue that needs addressed as it sort if is crossing a boundary if the contact is too much.

hope that makes sense?

Dizgirl xxx

Thanks for all of you very helpful replies. I guess I need to talk more about this with my T...

Hey Cats, healthy boundaries are taught in a healthy family. I didn't benefit from that! so I had to learn healthy boundaries as an adult.

Thanks Sannah, I am in the same situation that you were.