[Sweetlove]

Well I think my "rupture" has been repaired. I want to thank everyone here to helped me identify it, since I've never had experience with that kind of thing. It was so heart-warming to get that support during once of the worst times I've had in therapy. Thank you all

I had my session yesterday and I was soooo nervous. I was worried about him being mad at me, dropping me, but most of all I was worried about not having the courage to tell him how mad I was at him. I needed him to know how angry and disappointed I was at him for emotionally neglecting me last week.

The first thing I said was "I was really mad at you after last week's session". He nodded and I started to analyze it by saying I was annoyed, then he stopped me and said "stop, don't anaylize or identify it, you are mad me and I want us to sit with that". So we did and it felt really good. He was so estatic about me telling him that so calmly and confidently. He thought it was huge progess and growth. He has been trying to get me to admit when I'm mad at him, but I won't because I'm afraid that would make him mad.

We talked a lot about the reasons I was mad and how he made me feel. I explained how abandoned and alone I felt. It made me spiral very fast and I stayed there for quite a few days. I thought I was too overwhelming for him and he was done trying to help me. He said he experienced something different. He said that sometimes when I come in and sit down I don't look at him and wait for him to begin, then get annoyed that he doesn't have an agenda (which is true). He said he cannot do that, it is my process and it isn't his place to "fix it". We talked about my instinct to run away and never see him again, and he said that is perfect example of my anxiety when people cannot give me what I need right away. He told me that he cares about me and wants to hear what is going on in my life, and it would hurt him if I left because I wasn't comfortable approaching him about how he made me feel. He said "I won't say I will never get annoyed, but I promise you that I won't ever treat you as badly as you treat yourself. I'll never be mad at you for telling me how you feel about our relationship or something I did. I ALWAYS want you to talk to me and I don't EVER want you to be scared." He said that sometimes relationships and especially therapy needs a reassessment or recalibration just to make sure we are on the same page together.

So as great as it was to talk it through and process what happened, I stll feel a little gap and loss of connection. It scares me because TRUST is one of my biggest issues and it took me so long for T to gain it and I'm a bit afraid it's going to take me a while to get it back. I was wondering that for anyone who has had a rupture or loss of connection of any sort, how do you work through it and how long does it take to feel "normal" again?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Good for you Sweetlove! I think that is just takes time and talking about it. Things will improve!

[SpiritRunner]

----- I still feel a little gap and loss of connection. It scares me because TRUST is one of my biggest issues and it took me so long for T to gain it and I'm a bit afraid it's going to take me a while to get it back. I was wondering that for anyone who has had a rupture or loss of connection of any sort, how do you work through it and how long does it take to feel "normal" again?-----

First, I am so glad you could talk to T and get such a good, honest response!
For me, it's been, what, 2 1/2 weeks since I had my huge rupture with t over the hugs and I'm still working on normal - it's a new normal, actually. I do still trust her, but the hurt was huge, is huge, it's hard to unconditionally trust right now.....the way to keep working through it is to keep talking through it. T knows that and is patient with me in talking about it, and she is honest. Honesty is so key in repairing damaged trust, so key. And grace, the more grace T has, you have toward T, the more that helps too.

[WePow]

(((((((((Sweetlove))))))))))))

That is so wonderful! It was hard for me to read your post because it hits home. I am not sure I can be as brave as you were. But you did great!

(((((((((((Sweetlove))))))))))))

Good for you for being so honest with T. And good for T for listening and getting it and supporting you and your feelings. That all makes me !

As for how long it takes to rebuild the connection...for me, it varies. Sometimes it happens right away when I realize I've been heard...and other times, it takes a little longer, especially if my trust has been shaken. I can honestly say that each time, when the connection DOES come back, it's a little stronger than it was before. T talks about how much trust we have in each other because of how hard we've worked together when we've had ruptures in our relationship.

I kind of wonder if T and I have *really* repaired our last rupture completely (because here I am, ON BREAK )...but one thing I've learned over time is that there is this undercurrent of trust and love and connection that is always there, even when on the surface, things have been shaken up a little bit.

Trust you, and trust T. You will find each other again

[granite1]

sweetlove i am glad to see that your relationship is on the mend.i know when things like this happen you can feel so lonely and abandoned and scared and all kinds of things but it can feel so good to have it all starting to work out

[lastyearisblank]

So as great as it was to talk it through and process what happened, I stll feel a little gap and loss of connection. It scares me because TRUST is one of my biggest issues and it took me so long for T to gain it and I'm a bit afraid it's going to take me a while to get it back. I was wondering that for anyone who has had a rupture or loss of connection of any sort, how do you work through it and how long does it take to feel "normal" again?

I agree with those who said you are being very brave and that this is a huge breakthrough for you. Yay for being so assertive!

He sounds very committed to KEEPING you in therapy. I that he said that he will never treat you as bad as you treat yourself (never treat yourself bad, Sweetlove!). If your issue is trust maybe it's ok to allow a couple sessions to recover from this. Maybe it is ok to hold on to that feeling of expressing the righteous anger and still being accepted . You can rebuild the trust together.

[Sweetlove]

Hey guys, I'm running out the door now, so I don't have time to respond in depth. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading and appreciate the feedback..I'll reply better later

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Good for you Sweetlove! I think that is just takes time and talking about it. Things will improve!

Thanks Cats! I hope so

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

.....the way to keep working through it is to keep talking through it. T knows that and is patient with me in talking about it, and she is honest. Honesty is so key in repairing damaged trust, so key. And grace, the more grace T has, you have toward T, the more that helps too.

Yes I need to keep talking through it, but I just hope he wants to do, or at least doesn't mind if I want to. I need him to be patient and understanding of what I need from him, which seems like he already is. Can you elaborate more on "grace"?..because I'm pretty sure I know what it entails, but I REALLY want to know when I see it. Thanks Poetgirl

Originally Posted by WePow

It was hard for me to read your post because it hits home. I am not sure I can be as brave as you were. But you did great!

Aw, thanks Wepow...I really don't think I was that brave, but it means a lot that you think so. I'm sorry if it upset you...you are THAT brave, you show it with everything you write

Originally Posted by treehouse

I can honestly say that each time, when the connection DOES come back, it's a little stronger than it was before. T talks about how much trust we have in each other because of how hard we've worked together when we've had ruptures in our relationship.

This is what I hope will happen. I HOPE that we will be even stronger than before and know it will be ok next time because we trust each other so much. I definatly need to talk to him about that. Thanks Tree

Originally Posted by granite1

sweetlove i am glad to see that your relationship is on the mend.i know when things like this happen you can feel so lonely and abandoned and scared and all kinds of things but it can feel so good to have it all starting to work out

Thanks granite...yes it was SOOOOO lonely and scary, and now I finally feel better which is such a relief!

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I agree with those who said you are being very brave and that this is a huge breakthrough for you. Yay for being so assertive!

He sounds very committed to KEEPING you in therapy. I that he said that he will never treat you as bad as you treat yourself (never treat yourself bad, Sweetlove!). If your issue is trust maybe it's ok to allow a couple sessions to recover from this. Maybe it is ok to hold on to that feeling of expressing the righteous anger and still being accepted . You can rebuild the trust together.

Thank you Lyib...T is really trying to get me to be more assertive and that is why he was so happy. He is very committed to me, and I didn't know exactly HOW committed until the other day. It is so nice to hear him say that and be able to replay that in my head when I'm feeling doubtful.

[sunrise]

I really liked these two things that he said (well I actually liked it all!):

He said he experienced something different.

"I ALWAYS want you to talk to me and I don't EVER want you to be scared."

I love both those things. Sounds like a great session!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I really liked these two things that he said (well I actually liked it all!):

He said he experienced something different.

"I ALWAYS want you to talk to me and I don't EVER want you to be scared."

I love both those things. Sounds like a great session!

Sweet, these 2 comments are ones of grace, gracious comments! They are honest and open.
When I say grace, I am also thinking of humility. Humility is a good thing, the ability to own your mistake, your part in what happened, to say you're sorry for it and want to change it, that you recognize the hurt caused and don't want to cause hurt like that again, that you will do your best to ensure it doesn't happen.
So, to me, grace is encompassing honesty and humility in a very balanced, well-boundaried manner.....and compassion and caring are mixed in there, too. I am seeing how my T has these qualities, honesty, humility, compassion and caring, and I consider them all together to be grace, and it's because she has had this grace that I am staying with her, despite the hurt that remains from the no-hug thing....the grace makes her safe to trust, to keep trusting.

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

So, to me, grace is encompassing honesty and humility in a very balanced, well-boundaried manner.....and compassion and caring are mixed in there, too.

Thanks so much for explaining Poetgirl. I needed a couple days to think about this because I knew it meant something about our (T and I) relationship, but wanted to give it some thought to figure out exactly what.

This piece of your quote speaks the loudest to me because that is my T in a nutshell. VERY honest (sometimes a bit too honest but I actually like it now), EXTREMEMLY boundaried (which I really hate most times), and so caring when I need him to be. I do wish he was more compassionate sometimes but I've learned to live with it. Humility I am struggling with because I'm not sure I still totally get it, but he hasn't apologized for anything even if I tell him it upset me. I'm ok with that because usually it ends up being my fault for the way I took it. He DOES take responsibility though and owns up to most of his actions. So, I think there is grace there...a lot.

There is also something he said today that made me think of "grace" when he said it. We were talking about how to start processing and "looking" at the guilt I have surrounding my dad and his death. We talked about how the guilt is blocking sadness and acting as a mask so I don't have to feel the pain of being sad. He said "by the way, I would understand why you wouldn't want to deal with the guilt becaue it has kept you going for this long and acted as a shield for the impending sadness. If you let go of the guilt, you would have to sit with sadness without blaming yourself which is not comfortable especially for you. I DO want you to work on this because I care and want you to be healthy...however, I understand your hesitation." I loved that because it shows how much he cares, but how much he gets it.

Thanks again

[lastyearisblank]

VERY honest (sometimes a bit too honest but I actually like it now), EXTREMEMLY boundaried (which I really hate most times), and so caring when I need him to be. I do wish he was more compassionate sometimes but I've learned to live with it.

I just have to say this is the stereotypical type of person I think of when I imagine a therapist...

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I just have to say this is the stereotypical type of person I think of when I imagine a therapist...

HAHAHA well I guess you're right. Although my T is soooooo not a sterotypical therapist! Sometimes he will even say "if I was a stereotypical shrinky therapist, I would say..." Or sometimes I will say "I need you to be extra shrinky today"

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sweetlove

Thanks so much for explaining Poetgirl. I needed a couple days to think about this because I knew it meant something about our (T and I) relationship, but wanted to give it some thought to figure out exactly what.

This piece of your quote speaks the loudest to me because that is my T in a nutshell. VERY honest (sometimes a bit too honest but I actually like it now), EXTREMEMLY boundaried (which I really hate most times), and so caring when I need him to be. I do wish he was more compassionate sometimes but I've learned to live with it. Humility I am struggling with because I'm not sure I still totally get it, but he hasn't apologized for anything even if I tell him it upset me. I'm ok with that because usually it ends up being my fault for the way I took it. He DOES take responsibility though and owns up to most of his actions. So, I think there is grace there...a lot.

There is also something he said today that made me think of "grace" when he said it. We were talking about how to start processing and "looking" at the guilt I have surrounding my dad and his death. We talked about how the guilt is blocking sadness and acting as a mask so I don't have to feel the pain of being sad. He said "by the way, I would understand why you wouldn't want to deal with the guilt becaue it has kept you going for this long and acted as a shield for the impending sadness. If you let go of the guilt, you would have to sit with sadness without blaming yourself which is not comfortable especially for you. I DO want you to work on this because I care and want you to be healthy...however, I understand your hesitation." I loved that because it shows how much he cares, but how much he gets it.

Thanks again

yes, I think that there IS grace there.....I don't know, maybe more compassion than you think, too! this quote of his here has compassion in it, to me.
and I know how you feel about the boundaries.....my T is also very well-boundaried, direct and controlled, but is generally very warm and compassionate, very transparent and expressive, too. those things make the boundaries and the directness easier to take!

[lastyearisblank]

Look, ok, I just thought of Paul from In Treatment. I have a female T now so never mind me!!!!!!!!!

[Sweetlove]

Yes he is VERY much like Paul from In Treatment..who I love by the way. But I won't ever tell him that because he doesn't like the idea of the show and has no interest in watching it. Too bad Maybe you will find out your female T has the same personality as Paul...you can call him Paulette?

[lastyearisblank]

Lol, she actually reminds me of Columbo. You know that detective that plays dumb and asks open ended questions? But she's actually really smart I think...

Maybe I'll call her Paulette in secret. I can't remember her first name just now.

[Sweetlove]

I LOVE Colombo lol. I used to watch it with my grandmother all the time! That just made me laugh so hard thinking of a Columbo shrink...smoking on a pipe lol.

[lastyearisblank]

Perfect, haha, a pipe would go good with her outfits...