triggered at the worst time

trigger warning for mention of SA...

I don't know what's going on with my T, but I talked to her very briefly last night and she said she had had a very long, very hard day. Her voice cracked as she said it. She said she is taking some time to take care of herself.

Which is good modeling for me, everyone needs to do that sometimes, right? I called her today, because she had asked me to, and told her I was just calling to see if she was still there. She sounded much more like her usual self, and we talked for a few minutes.

Fast forward to tonight, when I picked up my health book to read the chapter and do the writing assignment due tomorrow. Turns out the chapter is about rape. I can't even...I can't read it. I can't breathe. I can't feel my legs. There is no way in he11 that I can write about it. I need T and yet I will feel like a heel if I call her tonight. I have to get through this. I guess I'm going to take a zero on this assignment. I don't know what T would say if I talked to her about this right now but all I can figure to do is just nothing. Just skip it.

So sad and triggered in the worst way.

(((((((((((zoo))))))))))!!

I haven't been able to get on much lately, but just hopped on and saw this....

First of all..ugh! For me, one of the WORST things in the world are those triggers that pop up out of nowhere. It's scary and makes me feel so vulnerable and powerless. I'm REALLY sorry that you're in that place.

You said in your message that T took some time to take care of herself, and that that was good modeling. I think that right NOW is a good time for YOU to take care of yourself. If that means setting the book aside, not doing the paper, and finding a way to get grounded, than that's what you need to do.

I've learned from T that I do NOT have to push myself all the time. If something is too much, it's too much. It just is what it is. Just because something is triggering right now doesn't mean it will always be triggering. This is where you are, and it's okay.

If I were in your shoes, I would literally put the book away, walk away from it, and make a decision to let it go for tonight. There are all kinds of possibilities - maybe turning it in late for partial credit, maybe explaining the situation to the professor, maybe taking a zero for the assignment, maybe something else. You don't have to figure it out right now. Right now, you have to breathe, and find yourself, and be in NOW. Right now, you are safe and cared for. Right now, you are strong and healing.

Can you do something totally different...bake cookies with the kids, watch a movie, step outside for air, do jumping jacks, call a friend...and promise yourself you will call T in the morning?

Let yourself take care of yourself. You deserve that. You are more important than an assignment.

Be gentle with you.

Why don't you talk to your professor or write him/her a note and explain why you couldn't do the assignment and ask if there is an alternative assignment you could complete on a different subject? If the class is going to discuss the subject, you may want to skip the class as well.

Sorry this has upset you so. You are right to walk away from it. You are also very understanding of your therapist and her needs. Commendable!

I agree with online user, can you ask your professor for an alternative assignment? You don't have to go into details, just say this is something I can't work on, is there something else I can do in it's place? Professors are generally pretty understanding.

I agree with tree too, you need to take care of yourself. Stay away from that chapter and focus on something you enjoy.

Triggers suck, I'm sorry this is happening to you!

(((((((zoo))))))) I agree with the others, to leave that chapter be, explain something to the teacher about how you can't do it now, and is there an alternative. But take care of yourself, let it be......

If you can afford not to do it, I guess don't do it than... but talk to the prof... it's better he/she knows that you had real reason not to do it, than seem just lazy.

((zoo)) take care of you right now. Be safe, breath, distract...and keep posting if you need to.

((((zoo))))

Sorry that this chapter is triggering......best to tell your prof about the problem & I am sure that your T will back you up if needed. It's better for your Prof to have an understanding of the problem then to just have it look like you chose not to do it. It will help your prof understand that some people will have problems in this area....like making a statement for them to understand their students better.

Obviously, the if rape wasn't a problem, the book wouldn't be touching on it....so the prof needs to know that problem might negatively effect some of the students who have been touched by the subject & may not be able to handle it in the casual manor of an assignment.

Hope you are doing better right now. I can understand not being able to read THAT. ugggggs!! My heart goes out to you.

I agree with putting the assignment aside, asking for an alternative assignment for now. If this assignment is crucial maybe you could work on it at another time with tour T in the safety of her office before the semester ends. Profs can be human and understand RL difficulties if they are informed. Take care of yourself first. You are the most important.

Need to talk to T and prof about this, T first. This might be a defining moment in your treatment, if you let it be.
Maybe you can work it to your advantage and heal a little somehow from it.

I don't actually feel much better about calling my T than I did last night, but I guess it'd be better to call now than over the easter weekend. I keep putting this aside, focusing on other things, but then it comes up again and I need to deal with it somehow. Just not doing the assignment, ignoring it, doesn't sit right with me.
blah!

Please try to talk to your profesor. "Personal reasons" will be excuse understandable enough... if you just don!t do it, it will reflect badly on you in the class.

That sounds so painful and difficult! ((((ZOO))))

I called my T earlier, but didn't talk to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she is gone for the holiday weekend. I also emailed the professor and haven't heard back from him, but at least I reached out in those ways. Until I hear something back from someone I am just putting the book away and not worrying about it. Trying, anyway...

(actually, I did more than "put" the book away. I THREW it across the bed and against the wall on the other side. I have to say, that felt really good, lol. It can stay on the floor where it lies for now. I'm too busy breathing.)

Oh gosh, I'm sorry. What a lousy time to get triggered over something so awful. I understand... it always seems to happen that way, doesn't it? I hope you can figure out an alternative assignment or something. I hope you're feeling better. You're in my thoughts.

I actually agree with LadyJ ... best to speak with T and Prof ... but you have to face this when YOU are ready - everyone is different. When You feel you are reading, talk to T - even if you have discussed before - and hopefully you will find healing on a whole other level. Wishing you blessings of strength and peace!

Good for you for throwing the book!!

(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

It is so hard when school stuff triggers. I'm so sorry this is happening.

Since it is such a trigger, you know that there is some healing you are needing that is either something you haven't dealt with or not dealt with as completely as you possibly need to.

I have found that when something triggers me, it's my subconscious telling me that I really do need to deal with the issue in a much deeper level. Many times we think we have dealt with something but have only touched the surface.

Maybe after you have been able to work through your trigger, you will be able to help others who struggle with the same triggers as you are dealing with at this time. Know that might sound a bit much at this point, but something that in the long run might help you heal even more.

I agree, eskie, that this and other PTSD reactions I've had lately point to needing to do additional processing in therapy. I don't know that that will happen, but it is needed.

Zoo- for the meantime how impressive that you were able to 'throw it against the wall and let it drop!" I so get recongizing how big of a deal an issue is, and the feeling that you need to 'power though it' Maybe that's not exactly your experience but whe you typed that something didn't sit right wit you about letting it be I thought it may be. Anyway please know that reading your experience gave me hope. I wish that you fill find a place of peace and safety for a while..