[wi_fighter]

Two sessions ago, my T suggested an assignment. Write down all the things I found attractive in my ex and figure out which one or ones was keeping me emotionally tied to him so I could finally toss all my emotions towards him aside.

Then he told me that another client with a similar problem did the same exercise and by the next week she was completely over her ex.

Well, I did the assignment and realized it was the financial help that I still missed. But it didn't take away the constant ruminating and worrying about what he's thinking as far as my parenting. I mean, I wake up in the morning and one of the first things that enters my mind totally involuntarily is "Tony."

T says I must be getting some gain out of it, because we don't do things we don't like and then throw his hands up and says "OK, so this is how it's going to be. Then accept that this is who you are."

I don't WANT to have this guy always sitting in the back of my brain telling me that I'm doing things wrong because I'm not doing them his way. I even get triggered when someone asks me a political question, because he used to want me to debate with him so he could prove that Republicans are the better party. I even had to hang up on a survey taker a few months ago because I started getting panicky when I had no clue about the issues she was asking about.

T says I speak faster and get emotional when I relate things about the ex, and that some people are just tragedy junkies. Something always has to be wrong in their lives.

In my first session he said I need to stop playing the victim.

Anyway, I got off track. Now I feel like I'm not doing therapy right because I didn't have the miraculous recovery like another patient. I know that everyone goes at their own pace. Maybe this other woman wasn't emotionally manipulated and abused. I was. I was threatened with what he'd do if I didn't do things his way. I was always too intimidated to cross him, so I don't know what he's actually capable of. And THAT'S why I'm still worried of what he might do if I don't comply. I don't comply, but still worry because we're in a custody revision battle that I initiated. So maybe he's storing up all the things he thinks I'm doing wrong so his lawyer can grill me in court.

T asks something like "what has he done in the past that has you so worried that he can hurt you?" I haven't thought to say "nothing, because I always caved in to his demands. I don't know what he could do."

His dad has a lot of money, so there's always the thinking that he'll run to him to break out the big guns. He swears he doesn't share his personal problems with anyone, not even family because it's no one's business. He stretches the truth on a lot of things, so maybe this is one of them.

I just don't know. And not knowing is what keeps me on edge. And this is where T and a lot of other people would say "stop worrying about something that might not happen. Don't waste the energy. Use it for yourself. "

Maybe t's waiting for me to tell him "stop comparing me to other people. I'm not other people. I'M ME!!!" Who knows?

[allthegirls6]

wi,

My T did this on Friday. She said "I know someone who was so bad it was touch and go whither i would see her again each week"

I had been talking about how bad things were for me and i just felt........................................ "oh ok, i will shut up then" Being compared with another made me feel like i didnt matter or like there were others worse of, or like i dont know what bad is.

I didnt like it, it wasnt helpful and it left me feeling like I had been totally missed.

ATG

[JustBen]

My therapist did this a few times, but he just did it to illustrate something. He really kept the focus on me.

[wi_fighter]

Petunia, it kind of makes me wonder now if he's going to use me as an example in the future.

Ben, he did keep the focus on me, but it still left me with the feeling of "Oh, OK, one more thing that someone is better at than me."

[JustBen]

Sorry to hear that. It's sometimes hard to tell if therapists have some kind of secret strategy behind these things, or if they just messed up. It's kind of odd how most of us go through this phase of idolizing our therapists...therapists make a lot of mistakes. (Usually, that's what draws them into the profession to begin with.)

[allthegirls6]

hey wi, are you mixing me up with our beautiful purple petaled friend? If you are.......................... im taking it as a compliment

atg

[wi_fighter]

Ooops, darn, sorry about that ATG. I think it's the avatar that confused me. Isn't hers a similar color, or was, or something? I even read Allthegirls6 and still typed Petunia.

[allthegirls6]

hey no problems, i feel complimented.And yes, petunia has a flower and so do we, its confusing isnt it.



all the girls

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry wi_fighter that your therapist compared you to another person. It is you that you should be focusing upon during your sessions.

Therapists llike any person do make mistakes at times. It is very possible that he was trying to illustrate that the assignment can work; to encourage you to do your best with it. Maybe you had a list of things that are not attractive but continue to have you emotionally tied to your ex for other reasons. Criticism on how you are raising your children for example; if I understood correctly. Could it be possible that when you were not allowed to think for yourself, for so long, that you are now struggling to relearn how to do so? I would assume there are many things in your relationship that effect you now that you are no longer together. Maybe you need to explore each one individually to let them go. I would suggest you talking to your therapist how you feel about his comments so both of you can make it a stronger and more productive healing process. An honest discussion may make him realize that maybe some of his statements are not being translated in your mind as therapeutic.

There is no right or wrong way to do therapy. There is only each individuals way. Please don't feel that you are doing something wrong as this only adds more stress to your life. You will progress at your own rate as you are ready. Keep us informed as to your progess as I am sure it will come.

Good luck with making this a more positive experience for you to heal. Remember it is your time not someone elses.

[Quay]

My therapist has occasionally brought up other clients, whether they are real or imaginary I don't know, but he has always used them to illustrate that I'm not alone. When I said I felt I wasn't making progress fast enough he told me about a client who says almost the same thing every week. He said that was okay, because he had faith that this gentleman would become comfortable enough to move past that in time. Another time when I whined about being in therapy for so long, he said his patients tend to stay around, some leave for a while then come back to work on other things. He also commented about a patient that had supposedly been with him much longer, and went on to say the usual about it's not the length of time, it's whether you're getting something from it.

I don't know... I feel that the way he does it helps me, by making me feel that others are in a similar place. I hope he would ever use the kind of remark atg was demonstrating, that just seems hurtful.

On a seperate note, if you don't mind reading, there were 2 books that I found really helpful as I was trying to move away from and understand my marriage. They were Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, by Patricia Evans, and The Emotionally Abused Woman, by Beverly Engel. A lot of times you can find them in the library. I also like It's My Life Now, starting over after an abusive relationship or Domestic Violence, by Dugan & Hock. I found the 1st book while I was still in the relationship and spent my time reading bits and pieces of it when he wasn't around. I was afraid of what would happen if he found it, or me reading it. What did he ever do to make me afraid? Not really anything, just words, postures, anger, but like you say, I wasn't going to push it and find out what he might do.... I might need help but mama didn't raise no fool, so I think I understand what you're saying.

Take care and don't lose heart, Quay

ALL the time.. matter of fact i was talking to my old t last week and she wondered why i was doing so poorly because when a girl came to her office to talk about rape.. once she told about it, she felt better... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Maybe the other chick just FAKED she was healed so fast after she did that as not to look bad. I think she recovered way too fast ....JMO

My T yes he blabs a lot on others but does NOT compare me...just uses them as like examples and I think he also just likes to talk...like one dude was in public office and all......he didnt name names but said he held public office...I bet you do feel pressured by all this

[JustBen]

The next time your therapist compares your progress to that of another patient, compare their competence to that of other mental health professionals..."My friend Gina is seeing Dr. Roberts across town and he's got her way better way quicker!"

Okay, that's actually not a great idea, but it would be nice to let them know how it feels

[GeminiButterfly]

(((wi fighter)))
Your T does sound a little aggressive to me. Are you comfortable with him? If someone throws up their hands..seems he gets frustrated easily. Just a thought. It isn't always because YOU are messed up.
This may be his individual style, also. It may help some and not others. They all seem to have a style all their own.

Like someone else posted, therapists often go into the profession because they have had problems, and it draws them .
You can always go to someone else if you feel you are not being validated.

Hope things turn out for you.

PS. Ben..LOL I think that would be a good idea if only we could say that. to them.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

HAHAHA I like you Ben..and your idea

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
JustBen said:
The next time your therapist compares your progress to that of another patient, compare their competence to that of other mental health professionals..."My friend Gina is seeing Dr. Roberts across town and he's got her way better way quicker!"

Okay, that's actually not a great idea, but it would be nice to let them know how it feels

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Estee1]

My t hasn't done that and I am very pleased. That is awful that you had the t say that stuff to you. It would make me feel really stupid or bad about myself. Hope things get better. You could tell the t how much torment those few things that he said caused you.

Sending you heaps of hugs...Estee

[wi_fighter]

Ben, you crack me up!

I asked T at the end of session last week - does it bother him even when he tells people what they need to do to get better and they don't do it. He said no, because he doesn't tell people what they need to do. Then I said "OK, well then suggesting what they need to do and they don't do it." I don't make suggestions either.

Well if he's not telling me what to do or suggesting what I should do, why should it matter if I'm not over this in the same time frame as someone else? I don't think he meant to compare me to the other woman. He was saying how if you write down and pinpoint what it is that still has you tied to another person you can then figure out that it's not a valid reason any more, or something like that, and finally not give a bleeeep what the other person thinks about you. It happened for her in the span of time from one session to the next. Well, it didn't happen that quick for me.

Yesterday was probably the best non-therapy therapy I could have had. My biggest anxiety causer is my daughter not doing well in 9th grade and feeling that it's somehow a failure on my part - her homework setup could be better, I'm not hovering over her enough, I'm not reminding her enough - but then all 8 of her teachers and the guidance counselor pointed out that she does the same things in all of her classes that I'm seeing at home. Her dad was sitting two chairs over, hearing the same things. There's no way he can even try to convince me she'd do better if she lived with him full time during the school year. It's her poor organization and concentration that's the problem. She needs more than just constant reminders to keep working (my technique) or extra discipline and loss of privileges for failing to do her work (his technique). But try telling a Scientology wannabe that it's something that needs more than vitamins and exercise to control.

I was amazed that her dad was very non-smug yesterday. Usually he's quick to point out the failings of the school system. I don't know if he's being extra calm, cool, and collected just waiting for me to hang myself when I stop being on constant guard or what. Not gonna worry about it. I'm being a concerned parent, I took the steps to get this meeting set up, we started implementing their suggestions as soon as the meeting let out.

Our kids are the issue where I worry about what he thinks, even though T says I can't use the kids as an excuse. Every time they don't do so well in school, he tends to link it directly to my parenting abilities. Listening to her entire academic team voicing the same frustrations really got it to sink in that it's not just me and my parenting style. Her dad's been 50% of an influence on her for the last 14 years too. Man, if he thinks I have so much power and influence that I can solely screw up her life or cause her to succeed, I should be the arrogant one. LOL

One of her teachers even questioned if she has some OC tendencies because she gets soooo wrapped up in the details that she fails to complete the whole assignment. She has to get the leaf on this ivy trail in the background of this picture just right before she can move on to the next thing. She can literally spend hours on things like that, the time it takes most kids to finish the entire project. We all try explaining to her that she should do the major parts of the assignments and then go back and fill in the details, but it's just not happening. Hmmmmm, maybe she needs to take a painting class so she can see that's how they do their work (she's big into art) - fill in the large areas with big strokes and brushes and then go back with the detail brushes. The lesson just might carry over into other areas.

[gardenergirl]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
JustBen said:
The next time your therapist compares your progress to that of another patient, compare their competence to that of other mental health professionals..."My friend Gina is seeing Dr. Roberts across town and he's got her way better way quicker!"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL! That's a great idea!



gg