[lastyearisblank]

I'm just going to throw this out this because this thought came into my mind the other day and it's just raising all these questions.

As some of you might remember I had this therapist who I had a lot of questions about on this board. I ultimately had to give him up or risk never moving forward. I never got a change to resolve the very deep feelings of love or transference I had for him. Also the lid definitely stayed on most of our conflict. But we parted under very bad terms.

I still feel some frustration with the treatment that I had. I still cherish some very angry feelings toward my old T, I realized this the other day, and it might not be that healthy to hold on to that. I am not quite sure if he abandoned me but many of the things he did and said were definitely interpretable as abandonment by me, and maybe that's my personal issues, but I definitely saw it as abandonment. In other ways he rejected me, granted I am not always easy. But also there are just so many questions raised for me by this treatment and so many loose ends that are still following me.

So my question is I guess, should I do it? (Call him and talk about this). I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, honestly honestly I'm not, the little tiny place his old support still has in my heart is crying out for that, but I recognize it's a professional relationship, though if I called, it might help, depending on how mad he still is. There are just so many things that I would want to know. My moving forward doesn't depend on it I guess I'm doing that quite well, but emotionally I'm still on this journey. I am just a big person for solving mysteries, so I'm going to keep trying to puzzle this relationship out, and like it or not it's going to keep affecting the present either way.

So yeah I guess I just want to see how this sounds to other people. My issues with my actual parents and the very very very intense need for this T's approval that I felt in treatment (as if he were a parent) keep leading me back to seeing this as a Very Important thing. Be gentle ok this is a healed wound but still a tender one.

[Perna]

I think, because of the intensity, that I would not call, would look at it as something to work out within myself, that I would see some sort of red flag going on in my own stuff that I needed to work on that had nothing to do with the other person.

I would transfer my thinking about him into a different category, think of him as the owner of a dry cleaner, for example (soup nazi? :-) and that I just didn't want to do business with him but that the feelings that were stirred up in me were valuable for me to look at (but not "in relation" to him; he's just a catalyst/trigger).

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

I have been in a very similar situation about 2 years ago but it was with my mental health worker and other people that worked in the department she worked in. She was my only support and she was removed without any warning and I was never allowed to speak to her again!!
I was "accused" of being "too friendly" and treated like dirt by people in the department. I filed a complaint but as always it's their word against mine and I knew there was no point in fighting it because they would always win - I was the mental case! I was talked to in such an awful way by my mental health workers boss and It was an awful situation which ended with me doing something stupid to try and cope with the pain of loss and of how awful i felt.

It took me at least a year to stop crying every time I talked about the incident and I held a lot of anger and there was a lot of unfinished bussiness with my mental health worker which I never got answers for...so it ended really badly. I still feel anger about the situation at times but I had to move on...just like you are doing.

I think you need to ask yourself how you will feel if it just opens old wounds and could make the situation worse. You could find that the Therapist says things you dont want to hear and still had the same opinions on the situation that he did back then. It sounds like you were very hurt by the situation and things he did and said and I wonder if he could do those things when he was your therapist then theres just as much chance he could say the wrong thing now.

I know how it feels to have this loose end in your mind that you just want some resolve on but perhaps the resolve was that you parted ways?

I wouldn't recommend contacting this therapist but the choice is ultimately yours of course.

[darkrunner]

I agree with Perna, for the most part and I think that is an excellent way to think about it.

However, it seems like there are two conflicting messages coming through in your post, Lastyearisblank. On the one hand, you talk about the intense unresolved feelings, and on the other hand you casually refer to it as just a 'mystery to be solved' rather than a situation that is very personal, and potentially painful, to you.

I kind of lean toward believing it is intensly unresolved and potentially painful. And with the way you describe this T's actions before, when you were actually his client, I would be really concerned about you going back into that situation and that it may cause more damage and hurt.

Not sure if that makes sense.

[Suratji]

lyib - this is obviously a huge issue for you. Please talk to your current T about it.

You seem a bit unclear what you hope to accomplish by a phone call to previous T. Can you imagine all the various scenarios of that contact? Would one phone call really resolve the pain you're undergoing? I agree with the others - it is probably unwise to contact him.

But, with discussion with your current T, maybe the two of you will eventually see a therapeutic value in it. And then with T's support and agreement, and only then, should you go forth in making contact.

[lastyearisblank]

Yeah it was just a whim it passed, I guess.

Intensely unresolved and potentially painful is right. I feel utterly stuck in my current therapy. I have absolutely no idea why it would be valuable to call my old therapist. I guess what I am hoping to hear is "hey it wasn't your fault." and I guess what I would want to say is I'm sorry for the part that was my fault. I guess I know at some level this isn't about my T. That is what I meant by the mystery. I wish I had some earplugs for my brain because it would be nice not to feel anything related to any of this for a while.

[lastyearisblank]

Also thank you for these very thoughtful and respectful and empathic responses. I got home and flipped open my computer and was like wow that's a lot of paragraphs! I appreciate every one taking the time to respond in depth.

[lastyearisblank]

-----------------removed!!!!!!!!! thanks!----------------

[PleaseHelp]

I'm glad you figured out what it was that was bothering you.

I think talking to your new T about all of this would help you move forward.