[swimmergirl]

Hey Everyone,

Love this board. It is so great to be able to reach out to each of you. I've posted previously about my huge transference issues with my T. I have told him about it and he has handled it well. Today we talked more about trust issues, sometimes he thinks I don't trust him enough. So I decided to take a risk and told him everything(so he would know I trust him), how a few months back I searched online and found out his personal info, etc. I remember reading here somewhere that in order to get the most out of therapy you have to be brutally honest with your T about everything. And this is not something I am proud of but at the time I didn't know it was against boundaries, etc. He was really calm and nice, told me it bothered him but he wasn't mad at me, etc. Now I am home bawling my eyes out because I want to believe him, that he's not angry, but I just don't. I know he's not but I feel so ashamed and exposed and humiliated. This was worse than telling him I fell in love with him. What is wrong with me? Why can't I believe him? And why do I feel the need to beat myself up over this? (also the transference stuff with him is about my dad)

[Can't Stop Crying]

Good job in being completely honest, sometimes that is so hard to do! When he said it bothered him, it was probably because you caught him off guard. Much as everyone would like to keep their privacy, with the internet, there is a lot of information right at your finger tips. If it helps, I wouldn't be surprised if other clients had looked him up and just not told him about it. Don't feel bad about it, it's human nature to be curious. And I really don't think he's mad at you! I also wonder how many T's have looked us up...just a thought

[lastyearisblank]

Wow that is so brave that you told him that you googled him!!! I have been googled by a T before (well, a social networking site where it tells you who looked). It is one of the downfalls of the information age. IMO you took away a large part of the "wrong" in it by confessing so I hope you can let go of the shame.

[Perna]

It sounds like you can't imagine different scenario's so that "bothered him" and "angry" seem or feel too much alike?

What I do in that case is put myself in the therapist's shoes; how would I feel if I were a businessman with my own business, Perna, Inc. :-) and I advertised for employees and hired one and six months after we started working together she said, "You know, I interviewed with you because I really liked that you have two cats like I do and you have been married over 20 years. I did extensive research about you, read everything I could about you on the Web".

I would be a little bothered/worried because I wouldn't necessarily remember all there was (and there's a lot) out there about my personal life offhand and I'd really wonder about someone who picked me based on my having two cats like they did, what's that really got to do with our business together? It might have a lot to do with what this person who researched thinks, but I can't know what they are thinking in specific about all these personal things and how they relate to our working together?

It looks to me like you have both too narrow and two wide a focus; you are thinking just about the lookup of his personal information and how that single fact makes you feel but why you chose him and what you thought about the whole thing, based on that lookup is important too (and especially may be to him) as you could have a lot of personal thoughts about him/his stuff that might influence or damage your work together now and he needs to be aware of that. But think of what you "learned" when you researched him versus what details you told him? It's the details and how/what you may feel about them, how you interpret them, that now may be important but you probably did not go into that much detail when you "told him" about researching him?

So, he's "bothered" by the lookup because it adds complexity and his personal information may enter into your thinking now (and you're supposed to be thinking/concentrating on you, not him) but "anger" doesn't really have anything to do with it?

The emotion of anger is needed to help us "do" something about a situation that is harming us, to become aware of it and help figure out how to "solve" it and get it to stop harming us. Your T is not harmed by your knowing his information (it is out there, presumably in the public domain somewhere for anyone/everyone to see), he doesn't need to "do" anything about the situation for himself, his situation has not changed/does not need changing except insofar as he needs to now work a bit harder to make sure that what he says isn't misinterpreted by you because of what you may have found out about him.

For example, you know where he lives. If you know he lives in a "rich" neighborhood, how is that going to impact whatever fee you have to pay him? How is it going to make you feel if he has to raise it in a year's time? If he has no clue (which he doesn't until you tell him) you are thinking about that rich neighborhood when you have a discussion about raising the fee, you might feel negatively toward him for raising his fee and how's he to know where it's coming from? If you don't express the feeling outright, don't bring it up to him but merely get some sort of "attitude" he's helpless to figure out where it's from and, if you're newish to therapy or not good at locating/expressing your feelings yet, you won't be able to tell him! It might not cross your radar what's wrong but could end up being a big deal and both of you may be "helpless" to work it out because he can't know what the problem is and you aren't able to realize it yet.

In a sense, it's dangerous to you because you may quit therapy because he raises his prices and, even if you are able to say, "Hey, you live in a rich neighborhood, how come you're raising prices!" you may not believe his answers because you have already decided it's a "rich" neighborhood (so everyone must be rich who lives there; woe be unto him if he inherited the house/neighborhood from his parents or former spouse :-) or, he might have to go into more personal detail than he'd like with you (expensive medical procedure for spouse/child or supporting own parents, etc.) or several other things we could imagine. He might not see it as a rich neighborhood; but how is one to argue personal definitions of what "rich" is? You now have "opinions" of him, based on basic/no-opinion, literal facts. Not good if one has a problem with a run-away imagination or too-rigid beliefs, etc.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

I think nearly every client out there does it and just doesn't say! It's curiosity and also when we go into therapy and tell our T so much about ourselves, yet we no nothing or very little about them - this increases this curiosity.
I think everyone knows that nothing is private if you put it online anyway!

I doubt he's even really that bothered about it, it just probably caught him a little off guard but he would be niave to think that most of his clients havent done this lol.

Did you tell your T that the reason you wanted to tell him all these things was to show you trusted him? If not I think it would maybe be valuable to tell him this at your next session so that he understands your reasoning behind it and that it wasnt about you trying to say you knew or wanted to know personal information.

Don't worry you didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure he knows this

[WePow]

My opinion is that if you DON'T google your T, THAT might be a problem! Heck, I google my doctors too. I need to know if there is anything odd out there about them that I may want to avoid. After all, I am placing my life in their hands.

[swimmergirl]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I need to clarify some things. First, I didn't look up anything until after I "fell in love with him". I also didn't pick him, he is a grad student at a training clinic. It was after I experienced major transference that I had this insatiable desire to find out everything I could about him, to knock him off his pedestal and see him as a real person so that I could subdue my feelings for him(which hasn't helped). I don't know where he lives because I don't want to know. I think I did tell him that the reason I did tell him this was to try to open up and show him I trust him, if not I will the next time. The other reason I told him is because I didn't think he realized how much personal info was out there about him and I am not going to go crazy pyscho on him but maybe someone else will and I thought he should reign some of that info in. I do care about him a lot.
It is nice to have this off my shoulders. I just need to figure out why I feel I should be punished for this. I mean.......to play the devil's advocate........everything I found was public knowledge...........facebook, google, etc. Thanks everyone for your input. You guys have helped me in so many ways, mostly as I lurk and read and I really appreciate it.

[WePow]

I read something in a Dan Millman book "Everyday Enlightenment".. pg 22. He said:
"In order to fit into society, your parents (or caregivers) taught you what was considered right and what was deemed wrong. ... you learned the two prime directives: "If I am good, I am rewarded. If I am bad, I am punished."

"In an ideal world, these rules would be absolutely fair and consitent. In the real world, however, your parents didn't always notice misbehaviors. Even if they did see severy mistake, they might have been too tired or distracted to respond consistently to your actions."

"But there was someone who saw and noted, without fail, every single misstep you ever made. You did, and you still do. ... Your parents, however, didn't always do the punishing. So you ended up punishing yourself- sometimes for the rest of your life- in the form of self-sabotage or self-destructive behaviors."

I think this may help you out, that is why I typed it up. Big hugs to you!!

[learning1]

I've actually avoided Googling my t's for the most part. Not because I've never thought about it but I was afraid I'd spill something I learned in a session and be embarrassed . I think you know it was crossing boundaries a little bit (though not much, considering it's public info, just info you maybe knew he might have been a little bothered for you to read), so that's why you're beating yourself up, but maybe if you could just acknowledge it was a very little bit of a boundary crossing, not a terrible awful thing, then you wouldn't have to feel as bad or embarrassed about it?

[Suratji]

Well, I guess I'm in the minority here but I think it's perfectly acceptable to look up as much info as is publicly available about our caregivers - whether medical, dental, psychological or anyone else with whom we purchase services.

It's no different than if we ask a friend or a neighbor what they know about such and such doctor. Are they good at what they do? Are people satisfied with their services? Have there been any complaints?

The fact that other info may show up in an internet search is not our problem. If it's public, it's public.

I researched my T. Actually I found her on the internet. She has her own webpage. I looked to find any other info and you know what - there is absolutely nothing else that can be learned about her from the internet. She protects her privacy quite well.

So, in my opinion, there is nothing to be ashamed of by doing this research. I've googled myself to see what info is out there. I've also googled all my friends and we share what odd stuff shows up. It's the information/internet age. Like it or not, this is the way we share info now. Those who need more privacy need to be extremely careful about what goes up. Like my T - there is nothing to be found about her on the Net.

[maggyjo]

I ran a background check on my old T. I can do that at work. She had a traffic ticket. It didn't give me her home address, but did give me her age. which was something I didn't know. Part of the breakdown in our relationship was that she was the exact age as my little sis. I never told her.

Maggy Jo

[SpiritRunner]

I looked up my T too when I was first seeing her and found that that there was this dude who was really pissed at her and had posted a huge rant against her about how she was corrupt and a man-hater (this was a divorce dispute.....). It shook me, I will admit. I didn't tell her about it right away, but a couple weeks later it came up and I told her and she was able to clarify the situation for me somewhat, without breaking confidentiality of course. So she knew I had googled her but wasn't mad about it, just glad that I trusted her enough to tell and to give her the chance to defend herself in what were pretty baseless accusations really once I knew more of the story.....guess there's good and bad that can come from googling people, but everyone has something good/bad to find out about, pretty much!
So I don't think T is mad about it in your case, swimmergirl. You were honest and brave to tell him about it! I think that is something to respect.

[swimmergirl]

Thanks everyone, you guys are awesome. Learning, I agree I did cross boundaries. I told him though because I have trust issues with people, my dad especially and this is a behavior I really want to overcome. And Wepow, thank you so much for that quote. It makes a lot of sense. I feel a lot better.

[learning1]

I think it's great you told him swimmergirl

[Transcending1]

I have to agree with suratji on this topic. I also googled my T (as I do with everyone important in my life). If I am going to trust him, I need to see him as a human being. The content I discovered wasn't very "telling," but I inferred much about his private life from it (who knows if my inferences are correct).

Swimmergirl-You have GUTS! I can tell my T about my erotic fantasies regarding him, but I can't bring myself to tell him that I checked him out! Guess I thought he would see me as a crazy, stalker type