[ECHOES]

I am so nervous about seeing T tonight after our last session 2 weeks ago, where I became so unresponsive. I can't think. I keep telling myself to look at my posts, at the email I sent her, to sit down with pen and paper and write a little about it.

I want to do anything else. .. I even opted to do laundry this morning.

I don't always prepare, but this time I want to because I do want to talk about the last meeting and I want what happened to be meaningful and help me understand me, the reason I am there in the first place

Okay, so posting this and taking my pen and paper out somewhere, get a coffee or something, so I don't have things at home to distract me.

Any suggestions or encouragement about tonight are very welcome !

[Suratji]

Boy, can I relate about be so nervous before session. I think you have a good idea about sitting down and writing out your thoughts. I try to avoid caffeine though when I'm so nervous, so you might reconsider the coffee.

[granite1]

kind of in the same place here echos.i think that taking pen and paper out someplace nice is an awsome idea and i may accually take that advice myself.i will be thinking about you knd do know how hard this is for you and and sending you all kinds of good wishes hugs and incuragement for tonight if you will accept themi wish i had great words of wisdom like others that could help but i want you to know you arnt alone

[rainbow8]

I understand your nervousness, ECHOES. I will see my T on Wednesday and I am panicking about all of the emails I sent her and how I'm going to relate to her in the session. Sometimes I act like it's not a big deal, and the all of the intense feelings I had disappear when I get to my session. Then, it's hard to get back to them. My T wants to deal with how I feel in the present, in the moment, but I don't always want to do that.

I wrote all that because I see you having two choices. Either, try to reread your posts and whatever you wrote about session, so you can kind of recapture the feelings, OR just walk into your session, try to face your T directly, and see what you are feeling. Definitely, the second scenario is more scary and harder, at least to me. But it might be more productive. I'm thinking of trying it.

But, in either case, it's good to write something down about that session, or print your posts. I do that just in case I freeze up completely.

Good luck! Whatever happens, I'm sure it will be all right and helpful to you!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Echoes, I understand your nervousness!! I think it's a great idea to get away from distractions and write a bit about what you want to talk about. It doesn't have to be anything fancy - just a bullet list, even. Just something to help you get started talking.

I wish you the best of luck at your session, and hope you'll be able to talk about whatever you need to discuss.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( twinnie )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you poor thing you were reduced to doing LAUNDRY?!?!?!

how about just going this time and not preparing? I know that's asking a LOT. but not directing it in advance might help you get into areas that might have been blocked out otherwise.... you think? Speaking for myself of course, but who knows, maybe worth considering.

Many calm, quiet, smiling and confident hugs for you. You will do great.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey, this happens me too sometimes. What about taking a few minutes to think of the things you like about therapy, the nice things your therapist has said to you and about some of the really good sessions you have had, that way you will feel more motivated to going to you session.

Then sit down and even just make bullet points about what you would like to talk about.
Sometimes I dont prepare for a session and find I can talk away fine and sometimes I prepare and still find talking hard...its not easy but just do your best and remember your going to see someone who cares about you

we are here for you for when you get back as well!

[Sannah]

[ECHOES]

Thank you

I did go out and wrote some. I think it feels like I have to go prepared because her reply to my email was that she was "eager to hear more", so I feel like I'd better have 'more' when I go tonight.

Too bad I don't have the guts or I'd reply that I'm 'eager to hear less'!

Yeah, sawe---LAUNDRY Can you BELIEVE that?!! Good grief! lol

[zooropa]

LOL...that made me laugh, Echoes. I think as long as you still have your sense of humor you will be okay.

[sittingatwatersedge]

you may go " eager to hear less" but you will show up looking good, in yr nicely laundered clothes lol

wish you the best.

Wow.... going for the laundry thing... you ARE nervous! I do the same thing, isn't that funny? So, of course you are anxious...but its going to be okay! What time is your session? Try not to have any caffeine or anything til then...that will just make you more jittery and nervous. Maybe you could run a few laps? I am SURE your T is used to people being unresponsive, or not talking at all, or LOTS of other things. It will be OKAY... take deep breaths. Can you take a shower, a bath, a nap, ANYTHING to help you calm down? It will be all right! If nothing else, maybe you could just write here in the forums about all kinds of things, get stuff off your mind, until your session.

[ECHOES]

LOL LOL oh my, picturing me running a few laps. ohhhh my.

I am on my way, notes in hand.

I don't dress up for therapy, but I am darn clean and fabric-softener-y scented

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I don't dress up for therapy, but I am darn clean and fabric-softener-y scented

well... you left some lint in this pocket, Echoes. Achoo!!!!

[SpiritRunner]

thinking of you!

darn, wanted to catch you before you go... just a couple more loads please, i live alone.... thanks,

seriously,, thinking good thoughts and sending "sound" your way

[ECHOES]

(((sawe))) Thanks for going!!

Thanks for everyone's support! I really felt it and it helped so much

Several things about tonight's session...

One:
Why are some of our T's so inept at things like email !? lol I forwarded the email to her (that I had sent to the wrong address) and added some, including that I was no longer feeling that way and how I was feeling, etc.
So, she only read that part, the top part, and didn't scroll down to the forwarded email Which I didn't find out until the end of the session .
So, I told her I would include "Scroll Down" when needed

Also:
When we compared notes about that last session, she said that she was not attacking me (which I knew on one of the levels that I experienced the session), that she felt the session was a goner very early on and that it was one of those sessions that I wanted something from her but couldn't say. That I came to the session that way and needing her to be a certain way, and if she wasn't, Look Out. lol

She very sincerely apologized for seeming to be attacking when talking about my mood falling apart and my desire to move, and that was really nice. I wasn't looking for an apology but it was nice anyway.
She included in that apology her talking too much and her regret about that, but explained more later. She said that when she noticed me becoming unresponsive, she wanted to find a way to divert us, to salvage the session.

She reminded me that it was me who was exploring how the really good mood I was in slipped away and became distress, and that we noted the distress was less intense and of shorter duration. Oh yeah.. forgot that.. And that when we were exploring how the mood change happened, I mentioned that I was prepared for it and had reasoned logically that no really high mood lasts forever and so it was going to come down some and that was normal. When it began to go too far down, I said I tried to fight it. She asked me how I did that. THAT is what first set me off because I heard it as something I had to prove, as if she was doubting me. (Yes, next time, deal with it right then and ask if she is doubting me.) I couldn't say how I fought the mood to keep it from slipping too far and that felt like failure to me and I think where the shame began. (Yes, next time, it is okay to say "Gee, I don't know".) So that is where I started to be unresponsive and she jumped in and tried and tried to salvage the session by finding something concrete to use to change course.

She also said that when I said I wanted to talk about something else, she didn't keep talking. She was (finallyyy!!) quiet for a few minutes. Then she asked if I wanted to say how I was feeling toward her. To which I said "Not going there", and then I said "I'm just going to go now."
Oh. Yeah... again. I do recall it being exactly that way.
She said she felt I had left her.

I don't even know if this is all making sense.

Anyway, where we ended up was exploring how all this was related to her being gone a week. There was that I was afraid to respond in the moment not only because it was so late in the session but because she was going to be gone for a week. But there is also the possibility that, not liking that she was going to be gone, I deserted her first.

(Which reminds me of my friend's story about her 2-year-old daughter who years ago stood with her tiny hands on her tiny hips after being scolded, and warned: "You don't be nice to ME--I don't be nice to YOU!!")

I have still, after all this time, worries that when my therapist goes to visit her one and only toddler aged granddaughter, she will decide to stay there. Not come back, come back and retire then go, etc. That being away would make her realize that she doesn't really want to be around those therapy people, she wants to be near her family.
So we explored that (does she seem like that kind of mother, who would move to live near her daughter's family? do I know anyone who did that? did I have a wish that my parent's had done that - instead of packing up one morning with no notice and moving 1,000 miles away.) She assured me that she would not just disappear. (I also had a T who just disappeared, no warning). And that barring sudden death she would have a way in an emergency situation to contact me to tell me what is going on.
(Just PRAY it isn't email! lol)

That's how we ended up at the possibility of me rejecting her, deserting her first, pushing her away, feeling threatened, feeling very angry. There was the concreteness of what she was saying to me about the mood and about moving, and the other scenario of her going to be away and my feelings about that.

It was a really really good session, very hard but connecting. And one where I felt lighter when I left. The slight headache and the tension in the shoulders I'd carried all day are.. gone.

This is a book. If you read, thanks!!

[rainbow8]

ECHOES, I am so very happy that you had such a good session!!! It sounds like you accomplished a lot, and cleared up what happened at your last session. It was nice of your T to apologize to you, too. I"m glad it worked out well and that you feel so much better!!

[sunrise]

Wow, that sounds like a great session, ECHOES! So much ground covered, so many things cleared up.

I wonder if the two of you came to any conclusion about her behavior of talking a lot? It seems like she did that last time for a reason--to try to salvage a session in which you had already withdrawn and weren't participating much. But despite this, you preferred she didn't talk a lot, you wanted more silence. Do you think she would do it differently next time?

I really love how you and she compared notes on so many points from the session. Putting your notes together, you now have a complete picture and hopefully you each have better understanding of what happened. I like the discussion of trying to fight it when the mood starts going south. How does one fight it? For the last few months I have had some low moods, and I don't think "fighting it" describes my behavior. It felt more like "watching with dismay" as it happened. I'm not sure what to do in those situations. I know we had sunshine this last weekend and that sure helped a lot. Maybe I should "fight it" by going sun searching when my mood drops. ECHOES, how do you fight it? Does your T have ideas for how to fight it? (One bright idea I had to fight it was to call T to get an appointment sooner than one month, but that didn't work either.)

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Why are some of our T's so inept at things like email !?

Good question! They seem smart, but then can't do simple stuff like that. As you know, my T has well-developed phone ineptitude. One of my theories is that they deliberately feign incompetence so that we will abandon trying to contact them.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Too bad I don't have the guts or I'd reply that I'm 'eager to hear less'!

I laughed so much when I read that.

(((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))

That sounds like a great, connected session I think it's SO helpful to compare notes with T sometimes to see where we're both coming from. It's amazing how I can think one thing is going on, and he can see it totally differently. The feeling of attunement when we finally understand where each other is coming from is such a good feeling.

Good for you

[Sannah]

Great news!

[ECHOES]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!! So meaningful and appreciated

Originally Posted by sunrise

I wonder if the two of you came to any conclusion about her behavior of talking a lot? It seems like she did that last time for a reason--to try to salvage a session in which you had already withdrawn and weren't participating much. But despite this, you preferred she didn't talk a lot, you wanted more silence. Do you think she would do it differently next time?

We both know that she has times she talks too much for my liking. When it happened the first time a few years ago, she said that she knows this about herself, and that when it happened with me she wanted to be encouraging or something (I forget) so she said sometimes when she is like that she "calls out the marching band"! That made me laugh because that it's so appropriate: it feels like a sudden burst of noise and commotion is marching through the room.

Hearing her say that she talked a lot in the recent session because she wanted to salvage the session, I now have a different perspective of it even if I still don't like it. Now there is a kindness and caring about it, and not a forcefulness or judging or demanding qualities to it.
Knowing this, if it were to happen again, it could help me stop and think about the session and if I'm holding back and that's why she's yappin'.

And there is my goal of being able to speak up in the moment in session, and not try to bury what I'm feeling even if I don't like what I'm feeling or if it scares me, etc. I want to be able to just say what I think and feel without judgement, so it can get out there for us to look at together, to think about together. (I love that phrase when I can tolerate the feeling of intimacy in the relationship: Thinking Together! ). If I can learn to do this, it could prevent the session from becoming something she feels she needs to salvage.

I think there is a lot more to talk about in this. Her need to salvage (versus her talking about what's happening in the moment herself) is one thing. I am sure it is related to my desire to be 'rescued' which I have attempted to evoke by being unresponsive (if she REALLY cares, she will pull out of me what I am thinking). :titanic:

Anyway, many paths to take.

How do I fight the mood when it's dropping?
I guess by noticing that it is and not letting that awereness add to my feeling of despair
(Oh, Great!! my mood is dropping!! )
It's helped to tell myself that it's natural for me, for anyone, to have a mood that goes way up come back down (geez, as much as I think I'd like the high mood to stay, I think I'd drive myself crazy if it did!).
It can help if I try to pinpoint my hopelessness, which is often the cause of my low moods. If I can try to look at that and explore it to see if it really is hopeless or if I'm not able to figure out the steps I need to take, and so it seems overwhelming and hopeless.

So, those are what come to mind. I like your idea of sun-searching too. Is there an element of getting out of your routine, going outside or someplace - a change of scenery?

I also think that it was absolutely a bright idea to call for an appointment with your T, and I am that you both had time open to make that appointment happen so quickly!!

((tree)) It's funny, but T and I have compared notes many times, but this time it seemed different. It felt like both of us mattered and I didn't reject her version of the session, something I've done often before. It wasn't me vs. T this time, it was a really nice time of looking at it together.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I also think that it was absolutely a bright idea to call for an appointment with your T, and I am that you both had time open to make that appointment happen so quickly!!

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. All of the appointments I've had for about the last 6 months, have been set up 1-2 months in advance. When I asked him for the session when I was feeling so low (happened a couple of times), he was unable to schedule me. It would be nice if I was feeling down to be able to see T. Oh, well.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It felt like both of us mattered and I didn't reject her version of the session, something I've done often before.

That sounds so great, like you could trust her enough to try to see things from her point of view. And you felt you both mattered. That sounds like a true relationship. A reciprocal relationship!

[ECHOES]

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. All of the appointments I've had for about the last 6 months, have been set up 1-2 months in advance. When I asked him for the session when I was feeling so low (happened a couple of times), he was unable to schedule me. It would be nice if I was feeling down to be able to see T. Oh, well.

Oh sunny, I'm sorry that he was unable to schedule you when you need to see him. I remember that you said he was very sought after, and busy, but it would be nice if he could leave some room in his schedule for unexpected needs.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Hearing her say that she talked a lot in the recent session because she wanted to salvage the session, I now have a different perspective of it even if I still don't like it. Now there is a kindness and caring about it, and not a forcefulness or judging or demanding qualities to it.
Knowing this, if it were to happen again, it could help me stop and think about the session and if I'm holding back and that's why she's yappin'.

And there is my goal of being able to speak up in the moment in session, and not try to bury what I'm feeling even if I don't like what I'm feeling or if it scares me, etc. I want to be able to just say what I think and feel without judgement, so it can get out there for us to look at together, to think about together. (I love that phrase when I can tolerate the feeling of intimacy in the relationship: Thinking Together! ). If I can learn to do this, it could prevent the session from becoming something she feels she needs to salvage.

I think there is a lot more to talk about in this. Her need to salvage (versus her talking about what's happening in the moment herself) is one thing. I am sure it is related to my desire to be 'rescued' which I have attempted to evoke by being unresponsive (if she REALLY cares, she will pull out of me what I am thinking). :titanic:

How do I fight the mood when it's dropping?
I guess by noticing that it is and not letting that awereness add to my feeling of despair
(Oh, Great!! my mood is dropping!! )
It's helped to tell myself that it's natural for me, for anyone, to have a mood that goes way up come back down (geez, as much as I think I'd like the high mood to stay, I think I'd drive myself crazy if it did!).

It can help if I try to pinpoint my hopelessness, which is often the cause of my low moods. If I can try to look at that and explore it to see if it really is hopeless or if I'm not able to figure out the steps I need to take, and so it seems overwhelming and hopeless.

T and I have compared notes many times, but this time it seemed different. It felt like both of us mattered and I didn't reject her version of the session, something I've done often before. It wasn't me vs. T this time, it was a really nice time of looking at it together.

Wow!!!!!!! What excellent insight and problem solving Echoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!