[granite1]

after last weeks session i was really feeling bad,confused ,scared,couldnt sleep,horrable thoughts,bye wednsday i made myself so sick i couldnt even work.thursday i started feeling so much better.i slept thursday night thank god.it was a great nice calm day.friday was ok and so was saturday.in fact today wasnt bad either. BUT now i'm getting all worked up and scared.i dont want to go to T at all tomorrow.why?i already cant speak.even with my husband telling me it is ok.how am i ever going to find words tomorrow.god i hate me because i dont even want to try right now i am really happy with my silence and would be tomorrow in session.the stomach already turning,i cant breathe the air is so thick.i know she will stop seeing me if i cancel and i cant call her just to say i'm scared no out of session contact etc....this isnt helping.why do people say this helps.how?i want to crawl out of my disgusting skin.i'm sorry just so worked up i have to try to calm down i had such a awsome few days

[Transcending1]

((((((granite)))))

I also have session tomorrow so I understand the anxiety, although nothing near the intensity that you described. I also struggle with disclosing content and last weeks session was entirely fruitless. I discussed these feelings with my T and he reassured me that it's normal for content/process to ebb and flow. I know that isn't much consolation, but I always hope that next session will be more productive.

[Elli-Beth]

Hang on! My best feeling days ever came just after my lowest days ever. Please try to remember that healing is worth the pain!

[SpiritRunner]

It WILL be OK, you will be OK, just go, just be, just breathe! (((((((granite)))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((( granite ))))))))))))))))))))

You may not realize it but you did great last week, you made some real strides. Tomorrow you don't have to top yourself, do more of the same or even do anything in particular; it will all be OK. Just let it happen. you will be OK.
mind if I tag along? I will be thinking about you anyway

[rainbow8]

granite, I know how hard your last session was, and how you got all stirred up with feelings about it. But you can go at your own pace. Just go on with an open mind, without expecting to talk or not talk. Whatever happens tomorrow will be okay. I'll be a pocket rider too!!

[karebear1]

It will be ok granite. I'll come along too if you don't mind. I have no plans so it'll be a good time to come and make sure your T is treating you right!

[granite1]

thanks for your responses everyone.so much is going through my mind.i want to try to distract myself but I'm not sure this will work either.i cant let go of the feeling that T hates me and is going to try to hurt me in some way.i know this is my ***** and i know i would never let her physically hurt me but i am scared to death of what she is thinking and what she will say to me today.i don't want her to say anything at all.i really don't.

i even had a dream about her when i finely went to sleep.i only remember some of it.i was at her office and following her around but she was just going about her way.she was talking to coworkers and everything acting just like a normal person except to her i wasn't there.i wasn't upset at all it was exact ally what i wanted the only fear i had was that she would notice that i was there.i so wanted to hide from her, never have her hot ice i was there at all and then i woke up.
maybe i should just let her be angry at me and cancel i don't know what i want anymore.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Granite,

I hope the session goes better than you expect it to. Perhaps writing down all the thingsyou feel and handing it to her would be easier for you than trying to force yourself to talk?

*hugehugs*

[WePow]

((((Granite)))) For some reason, this has triggered you. My T would say it has tapped into a core trauma / emotion. That means that the only way to heal from it is to go full into it with your T. You may want to print out your post to show T.

Either way, you can't hurt any more than you hurt earlier this week since it sounds like you were in agony. So you can only heal. Take it ALL and DUMP it back into T's lap! And then say "Now what do I do with THIS?"

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((Granite)))) For some reason, this has triggered you. My T would say it has tapped into a core trauma / emotion. That means that the only way to heal from it is to go full into it with your T. You may want to print out your post to show T.

Either way, you can't hurt any more than you hurt earlier this week since it sounds like you were in agony. So you can only heal. Take it ALL and DUMP it back into T's lap! And then say "Now what do I do with THIS?"

i want to know how to do this i really do.i want to say you did this,,. you made me feel this way and dump it all in her lap and say now you fix it make it all make sence to me please.i dont have any idea how and even if i did i dont know if she would have any idea how to make it better.how do i do this????

[WePow]

Granite - well, the post would be one way. Hand it to her (your parts and emotions) and just say "Here you go!"

It really is hard at times to turn over the wheel to T. But sometimes that is the only way we can get help. I will do that with my T - look at T and say "I can't even descibe this pain, all I know is YOU have got to help me. Take the wheel and show me how to drive!"

You don't have to tell your T the issues even. Sometimes the hardest part is just going into the office and saying " HELP !!!" Then allow yourself to surrender and no matter what T says, just be HONEST with each reply.

"I DON't KNOW!"
"I don't understand!"
"I can't put it into words!"
"My body feels hot and my heart is racing!"

It doesn't sound like a person is saying alot when they do this, but they really are saying tons! And a good T will see what is going on and will steer the client into the realizations they need to make.

The secret is to just be blunt and honest about whatever it is on the inside in that NOW.

[ECHOES]

Sending you for today.

[Sannah]

Good luck today granite

[granite1]

leaving soon maybe it wont be as bad as i think.hear goes

[WePow]

Thinking of you!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( granite )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by WePow

Granite - well, the post would be one way. Hand it to her (your parts and emotions) and just say "Here you go!"

It really is hard at times to turn over the wheel to T. But sometimes that is the only way we can get help. I will do that with my T - look at T and say "I can't even descibe this pain, all I know is YOU have got to help me. Take the wheel and show me how to drive!"

You don't have to tell your T the issues even. Sometimes the hardest part is just going into the office and saying " HELP !!!" Then allow yourself to surrender and no matter what T says, just be HONEST with each reply.

"I DON't KNOW!"
"I don't understand!"
"I can't put it into words!"
"My body feels hot and my heart is racing!"

It doesn't sound like a person is saying alot when they do this, but they really are saying tons! And a good T will see what is going on and will steer the client into the realizations they need to make.

The secret is to just be blunt and honest about whatever it is on the inside in that NOW.

You astound me with your insight. brilliant.

Granite, i hope you let us know how it went!

[WePow]

(((((Granite))))) still thinking of you and hope you are doing ok!!!

[granite1]

she uses words like deep trama and flashbacks and being violated and beat up.and it feels like she is stabbing me with a dull knife.i want to yell" stop it this isnt me, and this isnt right"i couldnt talk much but she did.

she said she thought i was so brave to bring in that book and to share that story.but then she started talking about trama(I HATE THAT WORD)and flashbacks.i didnt want to listen to her at all.i told her i had no words and believe it or not she said that was ok.WOW for some reason that felt to good.she said it so calmly and was so accepting that it just was i felt so relieved she wasnt going to try to make me talk.she said that she was sorry for how much pain i felt but explained that the rewards of feeling that are great.not so sure i believe that.maybe will write more later have to take this in little doses i think.not so sure i am ready for this.

[granite1]

she said that i would feel better about the story i told her.that it isnt a sectate any more and that i shared it with her and i need to see that i am nolonger alone in it and that now it can and will go away.but it hasnt and that scares me it just seems to be at the forfront of everything making me feel yuck.is that normal she said it will go away but it doesnt and that scares me a lot

It will take time. Don't expect it to go away right away, but it will get easier over time.

[rainbow8]

(((((((((granite)))))))))

Please trust your T. She knows what she is talking about. You've got to go through the yucky feelings before you come out on the other side, but you WILL. This is what therapy is all about! You're making such great progress, but it's going to take time. It took years to feel the way you did, and sharing some of it with your T is just the beginning. But you're doing it!

I am so glad your T told you that you didn't have to talk and that felt good to you. She knows what she is doing. You're in good hands. I feel so good that you are at this point in therapy, granite, though I am sorry for your pain. Lots of hugs!!!

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((((granite))))))))))))) it will get better with time! it really will. I am glad you aren't alone with that story anymore and that T sounds like she is being patient with you......it will be OK!
I don't like the word trauma either, but I think it's OK to acknowledge that trauma DID happen to you.......I am learning it is OK to say, I suffered, I went through trauma, traumatic experiences.......it's part of healing from them, I think.

[Sannah]

I think that you have to talk about these things more before they will go away, especially sharing your feelings with her about what happened to you.