[swimmergirl]

Just want everyone's opinion. Is it true that my feelings of attachment, love, and dependency on my T will lessen as I heal, or am I bound to struggle with them forever? I am not convinced that I can find them elsewhere as no one else can give me 100% of their time/attention in real life. Even my T couldn't do that if he was my friend, etc. How do I deal with this? I have told him and we are working through and he is helping me to redirect them but I don't even know if it is possible and it is so frustrating to be missing him so much when I am happily married and have a wonderful network of friends and family. ARGH! There is also a chance I may not be working with him for much longer and will have to see someone else and that seems to be making it worse.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Swimmergirl,

I wish I knew the answer to this as I very much struggle with it myself and even though I have come a very long way in the past 2-3 years, I still struggle with feelings of attachment and dependancy.

I think perhaps the more you heal and become stronger then you can deal with the seperation anxiety better, even when it hurts but i am not sure if there is a way to make it go away...I wish there was.

xxxx

[SpiritRunner]

I wish I knew a more definite answer, too, as I still am in struggle......yet I think as you heal, yes, the dependency/attachment feelings will evolve and heal and change too.
I know my attachment feelings have changed......especially since T took away hugs, I feel less strongly, intensely attached to her, yet I do still feel dependent on her, because I am not healed enough to not need her still. I have lots of healing left to do, and need the attachment and dependency and trust to do that healing......I think as healing progresses, I will feel differently, I will grow away from her (I hope, because if therapy ended next week I would be in a huge amount of pain from the severing of it, since I am yet very dependent.....)
It's a child grows into an adult and becomes more ready to leave home.....maybe I am still in the child phase of my therapy and not 'grown' enough, healed enough to leave......but the time will come, as my T says, when I will know, when I will not need her so much, and I will be able to see the end of therapy.....

((((((((swimmergirl))))))))

In my experience, the intensity of the dependency has definitely become less over time.

For a few years, I felt SO dependent on my T. We had a LOT of contact between sessions, I saw him twice a week, and it felt like it would never get "better".

Now, I still feel really, really attached to him. I think I will always feel "attached" in a healthy way, even when we don't see each other anymore. But I don't *need* him in the same way. I can go a week between appointments and be okay, I've learned to carry him with me so I can feel the safety and security of him without the physical presence of him.

I always wonder if this is what it feels like to grow up in a secure and loving environment...if people who grow up that way carry this deep security WITH them. It feels like such a gift.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

no one else can give me 100% of their time/attention in real life.

Maybe you will not always need anyone's 100% attention! Something nice to think of, anyway.

[swimmergirl]

Thanks everyone for your responses! What a novel idea that I may at some point not need 100% of anyone's attention? At least I'm not alone and that gives me great comfort.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

I am not convinced that I can find them elsewhere as no one else can give me 100% of their time/attention in real life.

No, but you can give your own self/life 100% of your time/attention and that will be "right"/enough. As you learn more about yourself and how you function and your positive and negative aspects you will become more confident being yourself and that's the point of therapy, living your life as yourself.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

Just want everyone's opinion. Is it true that my feelings of attachment, love, and dependency on my T will lessen as I heal, or am I bound to struggle with them forever?

I think love for a T and secure attachment to a T are good things. Dependency I am not as thrilled about! I feel attached but dependent, not so much. Does it help at all to know that you can still be attached but not dependent? Maybe that lessens the feeling of loss? I don't think my warm and attached feelings about my T will ever go away, even after I have ended therapy with him. He will always have a place in my heart. I think feeling securely attached can help one still hold the T in their heart and mind after they have terminated therapy. I would not want to do anything to sabotage our connectedness and don't think healing means this must happen. I think as a person grows more secure in their relationship with their T, they may not feel as dependent. And the T and client can work in therapy on developing the client's sense of independence through promoting self worth, helping them take important steps in their life, etc. All those things help the client know they can succeed in life on their own.

[rainbow8]

sunrise, I agree with everything you've written in your post. I am discovering that I can love my T, feel attached to her, but not feel dependent on her. I've been trying to figure out why I feel so good since my session, and I think you've clarified it for me. I feel securely attached to her, and it's never going to go away. Just like she said she likes me very much and that's never going to change. Is it unconditional love? It feels like a warm glow inside of me!!!!

So, swimmergirl, the answer I think is yes!! I've been addicted to all of my Ts, and it's been a huge struggle to let go of any of them, but it's possible to get past that and feel like your Ts love is unconditional, which makes you less needy. It's still tentative with me, but it's tangible. So it IS possible and probable for you not to have to struggle with these feelings forever. Will you be seeing another T? I found that I felt the same feelings for each T, but each time it was a little different, and I grew more, and understood more. Good luck to you!

[swimmergirl]

Thanks again everyone. Rainbow, I don't know if I will be seeing another T or not. I am still finding out if I can continue seeing this current one. If not, I'm not sure if I can go through the pain of starting all over again. I guess we will see. I should know soon. It is nice to know there is a silver lining and hope.

[wheeler]

I certainly hope so swimmergirl!! The craving-stuff that I feel for my T has been, and still is hard. Luckily my T is totally accepting of it, which helps a lot.
I will say that the strong feelings for her have changed, although it's not consistent. It has helped that I see her for 90 minutes at least once a week, and sometimes twice a week. She also allows and even encourages outside contact so I text her a lot during the week. That seems to help me with in-between session angst.

I know it is VERY very hard to go through this! But-- I promise you it DOES get better as you heal. It really does. I am not sure how to describe it... as you heal, as you get older, as you get more comfortable with your SELF.... you will be more comfortable keeping yourself company, without needing others to fill in that "gap" that you are using your T to fill in for you. When we get very attached to our Ts, they are usually meeting some long-unmet need that we have (love, acceptance, attachment, attention, whatever) And thats a good thing. We're all made to need those things and its ok to get them from other people for a time like a therapist and friends and family . But eventually as we get older, wiser, etc, we learn--we really do-- we learn to get those things we need from ourselves a lot.
I used to NEVER EVER be able to stand to be alone. It was unbearable to me. I had to have people around me all the time. If I was alone, I had to have the tv on, music on, and be reading a book or doing something busy. Couldn't stand to be alone with myself. I was bad company even to me! But now I've gotten comfortable with myself, and I can meet a lot of my needs on my own. I can hang out alone in a quiet room for a long period of time and just keep myself company. Does that make sense? It won't always be so bad and you won't always have such a dependency or transference thing going on. Promise!

[Sannah]

We are in T because our development as children didn't go right for some reasons. If you keep working with your T on this and everything else that you need to work on, you will continue with your normal childhood development and then be developed and ready to leave the nest.

My girls are going through this stage right now where they are starting to not need me as much anymore. With successful development this is the whole point. It is good..........