[Omers]

***** Trigger Warning *****

OK, this keeps coming up and haunting me. I can't talk about it 'round home because everyone knows everyone. I am posting here because therapy is where it happened and where it is affecting my life. While I usually have a tough skin I don't on this one so if you have something crappy to say please move to another post.

I worked with a T about 10 years ago. I do honestly believe she cared about me. I know where she went to school, who she studied under and what she learned. I blame them.

At some point in our work T discovered I was DID. She met a few in the system but worked extensively with "the little one". T knew how to switch me without my having a clue. She tried play therapy with the little but the little just froze in terror the two times we went to the play therapy room. She tried drawing and painting with the little one but still just got a scared frozen response. T started letting the little one e-mail her between sessions and then got soft on other boundaries too. T said that she really liked us and when we were done with therapy we would be friends. Because we were going to be friends we both "bent the rules". Nothing big but little things here and there.

We came to session one week and she asked the little if it would be OK if she did hypnosis with her. The little one would do anything to please her and quickly agreed. As T started talking the little one started to relax like she never had before. It felt really good. Then, in the middle of it T starts talking in vivid detail about our nursing off her. We felt confused and yucky.

I didn't think about it for years. Now I am working with massage T who does not do hypnosis but does do deep relaxation stuff. Every time we start to let go and relax we have "flashbacks" of old T bearing her breasts (which she had not done in session but the details were vivid enough that she didn't have to).

Massage T is doing really great job with the little one. The more the little one catches herself relaxing the more scared she gets. The massage work will feel great, we will start drifting into this amazing peaceful tranquility... Then the little one has a flashback, the muscles tighten and the massage work becomes extremely painful. When the little one has a flashback she superimposes the image from the hypnosis onto massage T. It is really really yucky!

I haven't said anything to massage T. I know massage T will support me in any way she can. I also know she will be deeply hurt, saddened, and angry over the little ones experience. She will rant and most likely cry which is OK with me. It just makes me feel SO nasty I am not sure I could let her touch me after I told her.

Ugh... YUCK!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Omers - I am so sorry! It's not your fault. I want to validate your feeling, but at the same time let you know that you have nothing to feel "yucky" about. I am not sure what that T's intentions were, but it sounds like you feel violated. I believe you are justified in feeling that way. Could you practice how you would tell massage T to kinda desensitize yourself to the conversation? I think it would help and like you said she would support you. Sending you all kinds of support and good wishes!

[swimmergirl]

((((((((((((Omers))))))))))))))) So so sorry for your pain. We go to therapy to heal, not to get hurt. I know you said not to blame your former T, but did you ever talk to the people that trained her? That could be traumatic for someone else she might see.
Anyway, I think it's great you have a new, supportive massage T. Is it possible that massage T is triggering that reaction by the way she massages you? Just a guess. I think definitely talk to massage T when you are ready, she would want to know. From what you say she would definitely not want to trigger that so tell her when you are ready. Sending good thoughts your way!

(((((Omers))))) So upset I have to censor myself.Hug hug hug.The very safe kind,and only if ok.>.<

[granite1]

do you have any idea what she was trying to accomplish bye doing this.i'm so sorry this happened to your little one.i would think it would be hugely uncomfortable for all.sending huge big hugs and much love

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Omers,

You did nothing wrong. You placed your trust in someone who offered help and care - that's not a bad thing. What she did sounds confusing and understandably very uncomfortable. I think she crossed the line in what she did because no matter what her reasons she should have told you what she was going to do first.
I wonder if she thought it would be nurturing in some way for your little to imagine the therapist as her mother figure who will nurture and nurse her in the intimate way a mother does when breastfeeding her child. However I think her way of explaining this was wrong, almost forced upon you in a violating manner. After babyhood, I think such a topic can hold sexual connitations and feels very wrong.

What happened after that session?

I'm sorry you had to experience something that has been so hurtful to your little self.

xxxxx

[WePow]

(((((((((Omers)))))))))) I wish I could just hold you and hug you so safely.
That is not right what she did with you.

[SpiritRunner]

((((Omers)))) I am sorry too, that sounds scary, especially for your little ones inside.

[Omers]

"I wonder if she thought it would be nurturing in some way for your little to imagine the therapist as her mother figure who will nurture and nurse her in the intimate way a mother does when breastfeeding her child."

That is exactly what she was trying to do. She was, I think, trying to do Object Relations Therapy which relies a lot on transference that we did not have. She was trying to get me/the little one to see her as mom. But she is/was NOT our mom and we didn't want her to be. But that was the kind of therapist that had helped her and it was one of the prominent styles of therapy in the school she went to. She is semi retired now and not directly working with clients any more (note to Ts... learn to use the privacy settings if you are going to have a facebook page). As for the school... well IMO they still suck! But the styles of therapy that they teach are considered valid forms of therapy. They just don't work for me and I ethically do not agree with them. I think there are roads to healing with far less pain.

Anyway old T was trying to get me to see her as mom so that I could work through all the issues I had with my mom by projecting them onto her. Problem is that I never had a problem telling my mom all the things she did wrong (you can ask, she will verify) and then going out and getting my needs met somewhere else.

Massage T has a ton of experience with abuse survivors. Massage T does not force the little one to come out like old T did. She is not touching me in any way that is bringing this up or making it worse. She is actually more concerned about where she is touching me than I am and always asks permission. It is just that old T and massage T are the only people to ever see/work with this little and show her any kind of love/compassion. As soon as the little starts to relax like she did in the hypnosis she panics. So it is actually the feeling of relaxation that is the trigger (insert growling emoticon here). So massage T is letting the little one come in and out as she feels safe.

To me what happened feels like the R word even though it was intended to help. I would not have knowingly given my consent for that. She said she wanted to try hypnosis to help get past the fear and help me to relax a bit. And it did... until the nursing part.

After that session things went to heck in a hand basket. Old T had not succeeded in creating the transference she wanted. Eventually she called me non-complaint and pulled away any/all support she had been offering cold turkey. For the next several months I sat in the corner in the fetal position and cried. I tried to call another T I knew (had taken a class from her) to see if she would take me on as a client. I needed someone I already trusted because I was SO hurt. She is very warm and nurturing but much more appropriate. She wouldn't see me though because old T told her I was running away from the work of therapy. Just to make things complicated, the T I wanted to see works with current T. All the Ts talk around here... so... current T is misinformed about what happened by a seemingly reliable source. So talking to current T about it is out of the question. Blah!

Part of me wants to tell massage T but part of me thinks it is the little ones story to tell.

I appreciate every ones support. Getting it out there somewhere was difficult but really important... at least I don't feel like I am going to explode keeping it in.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Omers,

I just wanted to clarify that even though I said why I thought your old T may have done what she did I still thin she was completely wrong in doing it. I think its very, very understandable that you feel the "R word" against what was done to you because it was definately an abusive incident, forced upon you. Also transference doesn't need to be done in such an invasive way at all, in fact I have never heard of anyone really doing what she did before. I am guessing she comes from the school of psycoanaylisis/psychodynamic therapy?

The fact that you did not naturally see her in a mother type role, means that it wasn't your transference but she was trying to force that onto you. If an adult forced a young child to nurse from them this would be seen as abusive and although she didn't physically do this to your little, she still emotionally and mentally abused the situation and for that i think you have every right to feel the way you do and I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. I am just so glad you have found your massage therapist who you seem to have a great relationship with.

I am not sure what to suggest about relaxation triggering you, perhaps if you practice relaxing when your on your own in gentle ways will help you get used to it in a safer way?

*huge safe hugs for you*

[Omers]

Thanks dizgirl2011. I am totally with you that even though her intent was positive it was not an OK thing to do. Yes, she came from a psycoanaylisis/psychodynamic program and honestly not a good one at that. She had the opportunity to study under some amazing healers while she was there but those were not the profs she studied under. Come to find out massage T even guest taught a class while she was there!!! I went to that same school for a year before discovering how crappy their full time faculty were... They did however bring in phenomenal adjuncts and guest profs. My current T is an adjunct there.

I met the prof who taught their classes on working with trauma survivors. He is awesome!!! We had lunch together, I read all his books, he is great... but not working with clients any more. She had all his books and all the required reading for his class prominently on her bookshelf so I assumed she studied under him. At the end of therapy I found out that not only had she never taken the class she hadn't read any of the books!!!

I am having lunch today with a friend with more extensive training in hypnosis who has some ideas on how to reverse hypnotic suggestions and the like. I am also confident that massage T will get us through this... it is just frustrating!

thanks for your support.

Hugs!

[WikidPissah]

Really sorry you went thru this, we have enough going on in our lives, we don't need ill advised T's making it worse (I know, I had one too)

Originally Posted by Omers

Part of me wants to tell massage T but part of me thinks it is the little ones story to tell.

Don't know much about DID, but I know a lot about children, especially hurting children, and usually us adults have to speak up for them. They need our voice.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Omers

I met the prof who taught their classes on working with trauma survivors. He is awesome!!! We had lunch together, I read all his books, he is great... but not working with clients any more. She had all his books and all the required reading for his class prominently on her bookshelf so I assumed she studied under him. At the end of therapy I found out that not only had she never taken the class she hadn't read any of the books!!!

I am having lunch today with a friend with more extensive training in hypnosis who has some ideas on how to reverse hypnotic suggestions and the like. I am also confident that massage T will get us through this... it is just frustrating!

thanks for your support.

Hugs!

That's really odd about the books Is she ust trying to give the impression of having knowledge she doesn't? Maybe if she had of read those books and took that class she wouldn't have hurt you the way she did!

I hope your friend can help!!

[Omers]

I have discovered a lot of Ts who have books on their shelves that they have not read. I hope it is because they get them with the hopes of reading them but then never get around to it.
My friend was not particularly helpful. He was too distracted teasing the kid he was babysitting. He said to give the little one back the stuffy that the old T gave the her. I am not so sure that is a smart move though. She never got closure with old T and bringing back the stuffy is going to stir up a lot of emotions. I have tried to go to just about every store in our area so she could pick out a blankie or a stuffy but nothing seems to catch her attention. He also suggested letting the little one send old T a message on facebook... dunno that just strikes me as a REALLY bad idea. He said it is old Ts fault for having a facebook page and she should expect stuff like this to happen.
Dunno. would just like to have something comforting for massage T to give the little one before she runs back in and hides. Something that when the little one is home and thinking about massage T she can hold close.
So confused right now with a lot of switching... getting a headache from all the switching. Everyone inside feels really bad for the little one. She was the one part that, as far as we knew, never experienced abuse. We thought she was "untouched" by all the trauma... just to find out that the T that was supposed to help her hurt her.

[pgrundy]

Wow, I would have been totally freaked out by that as well. I'm sorry that happened. I wish you could have told her how uncomfortable and 'off' that felt to you and how much pain it caused, but I probably wouldn't have been able to do that either--I'd have just bolted.

Anyway, it makes sense this would come up during massage. Can you talk to your alter and assure her you are watching out for her safety now? Or maybe, if that isn't enough, maybe a different therapist could get this resolved with a small amount of work.

It really shows how far you've come that you have this all in conscious awareness and can talk about it. So many DID people don't!

Good luck to you!