going to hospital

thank you, each of you.
yes, my brain feels on the fritz, frozen up, overwhelmed already.......and to get this whammy on top of it all that suddenly I have to be different, show myself to be trying to be different, in order to save my marriage makes it feels even worse. I am not sure how I can even manage today. but manage I have to, whether i feel like it or not, I have to, because if I don't do better today than I did yesterday my H WILL start divorce proceedings tomorrow......he said as much really.......
and here I have been trying to learn finances from him and I may have less time than I know to learn these things if I am going to be dumped out in the real world alone with few skills at the age of 34.....
My life feels as though it has fallen completely apart......and it could get worse if he really does initiate divorce proceedings against me. Because what can I do if he does....what can I do......what can I do.......I will have nothing. He says I cannot have the car or the van, he will take the kids....I will have nothing.....none of the money is in my name at all.....

Your H should be aware that this kind of pressure just makes the mind freeze even more. Can you try to accept that you will do what you can do, and no one can do more?

((((((((PG))))))))

First, can you call your T today? It sounds like you could use some support before tomorrow. This is a really, really hard place that you're in.

Second, how would it feel to take H to T with you tomorrow? Or maybe even to start couples therapy together with a different therapist? It sounds like maybe he is feeling overwhelmed too and not handling it very well at all.

Change takes time...so even if you are totally committed to making changes, they're not going to happen overnight. I'm not sure what his expectations are, but it sounds like having a third party to help the two of you to work through this is really, really important right now.

If you feel like what your H is saying is legitimate...that you need to work on skills, or spend more time with the kids, or whatever...I wonder if the two of you could talk about what would be a concrete way to start working on that?

I was in the hospital years ago (before kids) with a kidney infection for a week. I literally almost died. And when I came home, my H was SO ANGRY at me. So, so, so angry. I needed someone to take care of me, and he was just pissed. It wasn't "right" at all...and it hurt and scared me...AND just like me, he has his own pile of issues to work through and something was triggered by me being that sick. It didn't make it okay, but it was what it was. And things didn't get better overnight (he still got angry for YEARS when I was sick, even with a cold), but it did get better over TIME, as we both worked on ourselves and on the relationship (which is almost like a third "person").

There are probably changes you both need to make, but it will take time. To expect you to be different by tomorrow is too much. I really really hope that maybe the two of you can see someone together, and in the meantime, can talk about small changes you both can make that will move things in a happier direction.

I know you are scared. See if you can put one foot in front of the other and get through today, and hopefully talk to T. Breathe. Know that even if things feel too hard right now, they won't always feel that way. Do your best, and know that no one can be perfect. Breathe some more.

hugs and hugs and hugs to you.

I am not scared, I am terrified. I am so terrified I am shaking and my brain feels literally frozen.....how on earth I can be as good as H expects today I do not know. He has put tremendous pressure on me.....
Last night I tried talking to him. He said he has no sympathy for me. Said he will not touch me, I can live without it......he said the only way to get through to me is to do this. Apparently to send me into fear mode is the only way to get me to change.....but now I am so afraid I am nearly incapacitated with fear. I feel that there is no security at all......that if I slip at all today I am done with him, he is done with me. he is not a patient man. apparently not too forgiving either.....
I wish I could call T today. But she won't return my call on a SUnday....she will be in church. As should I be. Except I feel so afraid I don't know how I can face going. But if I don't go, my H will not like it. It will prove I am not interested in changing......
I am sure he is going to turn off the internet anyway if I do stay home so what good would it do me to stay home.....
I am terrified......my life is almost over......and I don't feel like I even have God right now, so what security do I really have without that.....none. My life is dead and empty and so sad.....

Oh (((((((((poetgirl))))))))))

What an awful situation to be in. I so wish I knew the right thing to say.

I know the feeling of God not being there...last week I told T I felt like my prayers were getting about 12 inches above my head and hitting some kind of ceiling. But God IS there. Grace is there. T told me once that even when I don't FEEL my connection with T, the connection is still there. The same is true with God...even though you don't feel the connection right now, the connection is there. It's hard to feel that through our terror and hopelessness sometimes.

I'm sorry H is so angry. It sounds really really scary

Sending all of the love and hope that I can. PM me if you need to, ok?

I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you!

It sounds as though he is scared! Maybe your understanding that you are not the only one who makes mistakes can be of some comfort...

I may get slammed for this, but I feel that many seem to be jumping on H's case in here. There is always two sides to every story. At times we need a kick start to put us into reality. Trying to soothe is not always in our best interest. It only makes things worse in the long run.

There are many times in my life when I felt someone was being demanding, unfair, judgmental, etc.......of me and I was angry with them. I felt that there expectations of me were unrealistic. Down the road, I realized they were right.

PG~I do have a lot of sympathy and compassion for you. You are in a nightmare right now. You have been placed under tremendous pressure that would cause anyone to buckle.Your husband very well could be selfish and demanding. He may be the husband from hell. If he is, then you definitely need to get out. I encourage you to take a step back and look at the whole picture. Are you being childish? Do you need to grow up and mature?

Or is he the one with the issue? Maybe both of you need to work on things? Only you can know that. All we hear is one side of this story. I am not implying that you are trying to be misleading at all. My purpose is to encourage you to look at your life openly and honestly. Yes, I have been through a divorce and it was hell~! I don't want to see anyone go through that. It would be devastating to your entire family.

If I did not care about you, I would not be this honest with you. I just do not want to see your family go through a divorce if there is anyway to salvage your marriage. I wish only the best for you. I know what it is like to suffer from an illness that others do not understand. I am sick to death of trying to defend myself against judgment from people who have never gone through the stuff we go through.

Please take this as it is meant to be. In love, not in reprimand or condemnation. I want you to be happy! I really do.

My H is a good man.....he has worked hard for this family, he has always shouldered his share of the load and then some. He is controlling at times, but then I am childish and do need to grow up a lot. No one should condemn him, I am the one who is more deserving of that. I don't deserve sympathy.....I haven't done all that I should. I do need to grow up and take responsibility and I have been tired of being responsible lately. But I have 4 children and can't check out......the truth is I have done some of that.....H does not like it. He shouldn't......please, no sympathy for me, I deserve this pain, because I should have been doing better, I should know some real world things that I do not.....because I let him bear many burdens and let him take care of me without a thought of it.....just glad he was doing the things that seemed too difficult or unpleasant to me....but now I must learn to do them.
But the last thing I need is a husband who doesn't love me anymore and that is what I have......how am I supposed to learn what I need to learn without his support and care. But I don't have it....at least I don't have the same love I had just a week ago.

((((((((((poetgirl))))))))))

I had no idea everything spiraled so bad for you so quickly! I feel so bad for you. Your H always sounded like a decent, loving person when you've mentioned him before. It didn't sound like you had marital problems. Do you think he will go to your session with you? I don't know what else to suggest. You've got 4 kids. I hope he will think about that and not leave you without going to therapy (if need be, a different T you see for counseling).

I'm not very grown up either, and I'm older than your H. I don't fix the computer, do the finances, or fix the car. I told my T last week that my H treats me like a child. Your H has a lot more life experience than you being older. I don't think it's totally fair for him to criticize you right now, and threaten divorce. He must have a lot of unresolved feelings and maybe your hospital stay triggered them?

Can you leave a message for your T so she will call you very early tomorrow?

PLEASE keep posting here or call a hotline if you need to. Is there someone in RL you can connect with--family or friend, for support right now?

Your life is worth it; you won't feel this way always. Don't give up on your H. I know how scary this all is for you, and I'm not sure I'm saying the right things, but I think knowing your cared about my help somewhat, I hope. So many hugs for you..... and more.

T called me last night because H left a mad message for her. I missed the call. Left a message this morning.....
H is a decent loving man. He just sees me more clearly than he ever did before.....and is so shaken by it. He thinks he has been married to a fraud.....he is right.......I have to change and change fast!

But it is hard when you are literally in pain from fear........I can't live in this sort of fear, this sort of pain......

I hope your T calls you back today. There are always exceptions to rules when you really need your T.

You can't change fast just because your H wants you to. Did your T say anything in her message about your H's call?

You aren't a fraud!! I think he's scared but men don't show they are scared. I hope your T will see both of you together. Will he go with you?

PG~ You do deserve sympathy, love, and compassion. In therapy we are learning to find truth about ourselves. It is hard to face. It does not mean that we should condemn or hate ourselves for the mistakes we have made. You shouldn't do that to yourself. That will only make this worse.

You deserve healing and truth.

If it helps at all, my H has a very hard time when I am at my lowest...his concern (at least that is what I think it is) comes across as anger and frustration. It is hard to have 4 small children! You deserve support right now while you are pulling it together - not anger! I have made mistakes and learned from them. The one thing I've learned is that me berating myself or him putting pressure on me does NOT help!

How has today gone, pg???

talked to T today.....actually my H left her 2 messages, both frustrated. She told me we will talk about it tomorrow and she will offer me her support.....
so that was nice.
our ministers are visiting us tonight, that helps.
I have tried to be present today and help and not be overwhelmed with fear, but it is very hard. I could not take a nap because my heart thumped too hard and my head hurt too much.....and my heart hurts literally.....and my knees hurt from my meds too, drat it.....

OMG..........

Well this response isn't too helpful. It is good that your husband contacted your T. This means most likely that he will work with you and your T hopefully. Going to the paster is good too. It seems that he wants to work on this and having other's input is good.

poetgirl: Are you going yourself or with your H to therapy tomorrow? I'm sure the ministers will be comforting for you, and seeing T will help. I'm sorry you feel so bad. I hope you can sleep tonight. I'll be thinking of you.

Unreal... so sorry you are going through this.

thanks again for the support. I hope to have a good night and hope tomorrow goes well with my T....

Thinking of you and wishing the best for you Poetgirl.

thank you. off to T soon. H has a job this morning, is not going with me....that is just fine by me.
Had a visit with our ministers last night. About the only thing that came out of that is that they told us that they didn't have the answers, but that they did know the answer WASN'T to throw in the towel.....him on the marriage or me on the kids/myself. Of course, it's not.....but I am so dispirited this morning I feel like doing just that. I have never felt so much like simply giving up, going away, as I do now.....I feel like I am so far down in the pit it's hard to even see daylight.
I don't even feel like exercising and that is one thing I have always done through everything else that has ever happened in my life.....no matter how depressed, upset, I felt, I exercised.....and now I don't even feel like doing that. Lazy a s s I am! anyway, that tells me that this is different than other times.....different in a bad way. not playing a game like my H thinks, not so easy to just flip a switch and be all better....
I am sorry to be so whiny here and I feel like I am just sort of throwing my ongoing depression back in the faces of everyone here who has tried to support and encourage me and probably I should just go away before you all get so sick of hearing it........

Don't go away, poetgirl. PC is the perfect place to vent all of these feelings.

I'm SO glad you see T today...I hope she can help you start to find your way out of this dark, yucky place.

Time to honor those feelings and feel them, then think about them. Reasonable feelings, but it doesn't mean things have to turn out a disaster.