going to hospital

Poet, rest, relax and hopefully get your meds fixed. sending safe hugs your way

Good luck PG...we'll be waiting right here when you get back

Poetgirl - Everyone is concerned. When you're able, let us know how it's going.

I am back home, on different meds but I am not sure my thinking is much straighter than when I went in......I found hospital to be so boring, so much downtime, time to think, think, think, and no exercise.
I could have stayed longer and wonder if I should have.......but the pdoc there said he wasn't sure it was doing me much good and maybe causing me suffering, in his words, to be so bored and aimless.....
At least the food was good!
I didn't miss my T as much as I thought I might, but will see her again Monday and am looking forward to it somehow.....
It feels so odd to be back in the real world after being shut away for several days.....I still feel so fragile and now have to get my house back in order and am just too tired to care how disordered it is....
thanks so much everyone for thinking of me, I am humbled to be so well cared for......I will try to get back into posting more, slowly.....but am still feeling dispirited and wondering what of value I can offer right now....

poet welcome back.i hope the meds will stablize things soon it does take time.glad you are ok

Welcome back and big hugs.

srry, I'm trying to get used to posting. quoted the wrong thing

Welcome back Sweetie!

Hey hun,

im glad to see you back! Do you have support now that you are back home?

*huge hugs*xxx

thanks for the welcome back! my H is off a few more days.....gosh, I am feeling almost like I should have just stayed at the hosp. I am still so depressed......

(((((((poetgirl)))))))

It must feel discouraging to come home and still feel so bad

Can you call pdoc and check in?

Be gentle with yourself and take things as slowly as you need to.

(((((poetgirl))))) sorry to hear you are still feeling bad. imo getting out is the hardest part-- harder even than going in. wishing you luck and strength over the next few days.

getting out IS hard! I feel so undone today and like I should still be in hospital. I am scared that I will never be the same again, as in well and able to cope with raising my children and able to think clearly and reasonably.....so very scared and hopeless feeling. I feel like I have fallen apart and cannot be put back together......
I am still so afraid of being without my H and know that right now if something were to happen to him, I am in no state to be able to handle things....and wonder how I will ever be able to do that. Who knows, even though my H is 20 years older than me and is 54 right now, he may live a long time and outlive me and we can raise the 4 kids together even though money will definitely be an issue when he has to retire in 10 years or so....
I feel so trapped and terrified.....terrified of now and even more so of the future....
Will I ever be able to feel secure and happy again? I don't know....
I can't check in with pdoc because I am changing docs.......I have to cancel my appt's with my old one and wait about 12 days to see the new one......
All I can do is slog through life right now......
anyone have any helpful suggestions for me or any reason I should try to have hope?!

Has anyone ever suggested that part of this may be due to postpartum depression? You did have 4 children fairly close together. This keeps coming to my mind when you share about your struggles.

yes, that has been suggested, but the baby is a year old now......
this is not postpartum, this is called 'life is too much'.....part of it is OCD, as I was diagnosed with that in the hosp. because of the obsessive thoughts about my H dying. I can't stop thinking about that......the loop is stuck in my head and I can't chase it.
I am in utter despair of being able to just let go and live.....I don't know how to live, how to handle this despair and keep functioning. The stark, bleak reality of things weighs too heavily on me.....I feel like a sword is hanging over my head and almost wish something dreadful would happen so that I can quit worrying about it and just have to deal with it.....altho I suspect that if something does happen to my H, I will have to give up the children because I don't think I am able to cope with raising them alone.....I feel like such a loser.

(((((((poetgirl)))))))

I just want to give you a million hugs I so know the overwhelmed and hopeless feeling...and the pressure of having a bunch of kids to raise and how the responsibility of that just adds to everything.

What I have learned, and what I really try to hang on to, is that my feelings will always change. Always, always, always. No matter how bad I feel right now, I will feel better. No matter how good I feel right now, I will feel worse. It's a fact of life that I've experienced over and over and over again....but when I am in the dark places, it's so hard to remember.

It's hard not knowing how it will change, or when it will change...but it WILL change. Don't give up. Give yourself a chance to heal. It really really won't always feel this overwhelming.

A few years ago, my boys were 5, 3, and 1. I started homeschooling, I had a new baby, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died. My three year old was diagnosed with autism. I was a big support for my parents and my H and my kids, and there was no support for me. At the end of that year, I felt so overwhelmed that I didn't even know how I could go on.

I can look back at that now and I can breathe and feel how much easier things are, even when they're incredibly hard. You will be able to look back at this time and see how strong you were to make it through it. You will learn and grow and heal. You ARE learning and growing and healing...but it's hard and it hurts and sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back.

Hang in there, pg. You are SO worth it. It won't feel like this forever.

Poetgirl there's a storm coming and I have to get off PC but I will PM you when I can. in the meantime you have my prayers. you are not alone!!

my H just threatened me with divorce unless I grow up. he says that is the only problem that I have.....no mental problems. just that I don't want to grow up!
sad thing is, he may be right......one of my hugest problems is that I don't like having all this responsibility.....I can't seem to handle it......
So, I guess I am looking at a divorce and disaster......the end of life as I know it......dear God in heaven. what do I do now?! I should decide to grow up, shouldn't I.......

Oh no, Poetgirl, you just have one thing land on you after another. When did you last talk to your therapist? And when do you see her again? It seems like you should be able to have an emergency session with her. Can you call her?

Your situation has nothing to do with 'growing up'. What the heck does that mean anyways? You are working very hard to heal and it's not as easy as just 'deciding' to heal. Please be gentle with yourself. This is not your fault.

I see her MOnday.
And it is actually about growing up, in part......I have to face that. There are a whole lot of things I need to learn how to do that I have spent my life avoiding how to do. My H has taken care of a lot of things, from the computer to the car to the finances to the cooking.....I have not taken the responsibilities I ought to have. And now, no wonder I feel overwhelmed, because I do have a lot of things to learn that I should have already learned. I do need to grow up and accept and face reality....
And if it takes my H threatening divorce to make it happen and scare the wits straight in me, then so be it. But actually it also makes me feel more depressed right now than ever and more like giving up.....I feel like I don't have the will to get up and fight. But get up, grow up I must.....
He is also going to ration my internet time since i do spend too much time online when I should be taking care of the kids and playing with them and reading with them, etc.....

I can only speak for myself, but sometimes it takes a slap in the face to wake us up! I am still learning so many things now, that I wish I would have learned years ago. Accepting that I am bipolar was major. It explains a lot of my actions and inabilities to cope with everyday life. We cannot stop living because we have bipolar, but for me it helped me know that I was not being lazy or obnoxious! I truly did have a brain malfunction that made it hard for me to be 'normal'.

There are still things that I just can't do. I mentally freeze up and get terribly overwhelmed (cooking, making decisions, handling financial issues, car malfunctions, anything around the house that needs fixing, computer problems) You are totally not alone in those areas. I am older than you are and I can assure you that I am not immature. That has nothing to do with why I struggle in these areas.

Your husband may be right. Only you can know that for sure. It is good that you are accepting that this might be an issue for you. It is fixable and you can learn to do things. Just don't be too harsh about the things I mentioned above that I struggle with. That is quite normal for us with bipolar. It is also common in women who are not bipolar!

You are never too old to learn. That is my motto!

You can not fix a relationship when your brain is on the fritz. And besides you have all these important goals like learning how to fix a computer, a car, cook, etc. I would stop and focus on what you have control over... NOT the whole fixing your identity/fixing your relationships/fixing your life thing. Because I can tell you from where I'm at right now, sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other. The big changes can not happen right now, you can not just pull them out of nowhere, it takes time, and building habits. And they certainly won't happen with everyone jumping down your throat and making a big crisis situation out of it. (((((hugs))))

(((((Poetgirl)))))

Sorry you having such a horrendous time right now. Thinking of you