[Sannah]

It just occurred to me this morning that I think that I am angry with everyone IRL. I have been trying to figure out why I don't have any close friends for years and I think that this might be part of the puzzle.

My husband tells me that I am rigid. I drop people as friends when they disapoint me by not being perfect.

Why am I angry with people?

[eskielover]

It's also easier to drop people & walk away when they don't do what you want rather than to try to work on a relationship.

Maybe you don't feel that anyone is really worth putting any effort into making a relationship work?

This is a good thing for you to think about.

I know that I didn't have friends when I lived in my unhappy marriage....I had acquaintances that I would see when I felt like it & didn't have to bother with when I didn't.

Then I left my husband & left all the anger I had penned up inside of me.....actually in KY, I have found the most wonderful people (many have moved here from elsewhere)....but I have many different groups of people that I am involved with & have friends who we do so much for each other.....unconditional friendships are wonderful.

I have found that being accepting of people for who they are....sort of live & let live without a judgmental attitude really helps.....but we all come together & are there for each other just as I always thought that friendships were like in my imagination...NOW they are for real.

One of my friends said that she loves getting together with me because I accept her no matter what.....I don't force her into doing or being something that she isn't at the time.....unconditional acceptance. We are able to talk through so many things & share so many thoughts & beliefs.....& another friend.....it's the same even though we think differently about many things, we have wonderful discussions & with her, we have many horse things in common that we have fun doing together.

I have come to know so many wonderful people who are wonderful because they are who they are.....not because they are what & who I want them to be.

Sometimes our general attitude about things gets in the way of our social interactions if we let too many things bother us or aren't willing to let go & just let people be. Just as we don't want people telling us what to do or how to do it....others don't like that either even though you may be the one walking away from them.

[Sannah]

I was also thinking this AM why I didn't do this with my husband? Why is he different then everyone else? Does he live up and beyond my standards? There are a few things that he does that I don't like but I don't hold these things against him. Why?

Does my husband meet some need of mine that gives him the green light?

I am very accepting of other people AT A DISTANCE I guess. I actually like it when people are different. This has something to do with self protection.

Maybe my anger is at the situation and it is being projected onto others? Or maybe I'm angry at myself? Or my parents?

[Sannah]

Eskie, it's not that people aren't doing what I want because I don't want them to do anything for me. It is that they aren't being who I want them to be. Does this make sense? It sounds a little crazy actually. Who the heck am I directing who people are?

I need people to be something for me? What need is being met here?

Hmmmm, an inner child here?

[Sannah]

I need idealized people? Do I want to be rescued or something?

[pegasus]

Sounds to me like you have been hurt in the past Sannah and that has carried on. I keep people at a distance too, just so I can't get hurt again, maybe this is the case with you and then you feel angry because of that wall you put up.

[Sannah]

That brought a tear Peg. I think you are on to something. Maybe I am angry because no one can see that I have been hurt?

Thank you Peg.............

[Perna]

Being disappointed hurts! My T once gave me homework for the week to think about the emotion of "disappointment" and I, of course immediately started seeing ways in which I was disappointed all around me! But what was really helpful was when my husband disappointed me by deciding to go to the race track without unloading the dishwasher (one of his chores is doing the dishes) first. I expressed my disappointment to him (not hard, "I'm disappointed you are going to the race track without unloading the dishwasher first so I can plan dinner") and was surprised at the result: his back was really hurting him and he thought going to the racetrack would distract him from the pain versus bending over and unloading the dishwasher which would make him feel worse.

You should have been inside my head, it was almost comical! I immediately realized that I should want my husband to do whatever made him feel better, that I wanted him to feel better. However, I was disappointed that my dishes weren't going to be in their proper places and/or that I wouldn't have to just unload the dishwasher myself to get the desired result. How dare he go "play" while I work? Ooops, where did that come from? My stepmother What's truly more important, the dishes or the one I love? How very important are the dishes and why can't they wait (he'd be back before dinner!) or why can't I do them myself, help him out with his chores since he is hurting? My stepmother use to accuse me of going to the bathroom to get out of doing the dishes (it's not like I could stay in there forever! If that was my strategy it couldn't possibly work, I'd be an idiot to consider it?) but everything was about doing things her way, when she wanted, how she wanted it done, etc. And here I was transferring that to my relationship with my husband; I'd been taught well :-)

Sannah, see if you can start being disappointed in other people instead of angry and see what you can learn?

[Sannah]

And this is why I give my husband the slack because he can see that I have been hurt and he comforts me. He is the only person who has ever comforted me. Yes, I'm crying now..................

[pegasus]

((((((( Sannah )))))))

[Sannah]

It is a test! I am testing people and if they fail my test this means that I have determined that they aren't safe and I could get hurt.

Then I'm angry with them for failing my test.

[Sannah]

One of the requirements for passing my test is depth of character. I must think if you have a rock solid character then???????????

[eskielover]

What determines a rock solid character?????

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think you're really making some insightful connections here.

Another thought...one I've noticed in myself....maybe you get angry with other people because you see things in them that you don't like in yourself and that inner anger gets directed outward? Sometimes, it's much easier to be angry at something external, even if it's just a reflection of the internal.

[Sannah]

Good question Eskie. I guess it is depth. Superficial people get on my last nerve. I must think that deeper people are more trustworthy?

Thanks Rhiannon, yes, I've seen this in other people. I'll think about it and see if this is what I'm doing.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I think you're really making some insightful connections here.

Another thought...one I've noticed in myself....maybe you get angry with other people because you see things in them that you don't like in yourself and that inner anger gets directed outward? Sometimes, it's much easier to be angry at something external, even if it's just a reflection of the internal.

yes, this sort of projection! this could be something for you to explore, Sannah.....there is an anger within you that something in you is not meeting your own standards, a pain that something in you is not meeting your own standards. and maybe the anger and the pain come from your standards being much higher, harder, than they need to be. and that is, has been, uncomfortable to bear all bottled up inside, so you have directed it outward upon others because you see those same lacks in them as you are not quite seeing as being from yourself and not just them?
maybe your H is actually secure in the standards he has for himself and you respect that and are not angry at him for failing his standards because he hasn't so much, but are angry at yourself and others whom you see have failed yours/their standards? or just angry because they see your anger, your standards, and turn away from you without reaching out further to see who you really are? angry because then there isn't the comfort of being seen, valued, understood even if you have failed at some parts of your standards?
oh, I may be way off base, but just a few thoughts that came out....feel free to correct me where it's clear to you I am off!

[Sannah]

Yes, projection, I was told once by a coworker who also had a Masters in Psychology who had Freudian training that I had the biggest superego that she ever saw. Talk about standards! Lots to think about. PC is so awesome for working through things! Thank you pgirl!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yes, projection, I was told once by a coworker who also had a Masters in Psychology who had Freudian training that I had the biggest superego that she ever saw. Talk about standards! Lots to think about. PC is so awesome for working through things! Thank you pgirl!

You're welcome!
I understand about superegos.....T tells me I have extremely high standards for myself and judge myself very harsh and have little compassion for myself when I fail the impossibly high standard I set....like having myself in a catch 22, setting myself up to fail. and then being angry and ashamed about the failure and judging myself harder than ever for the failure.....she has talked to me about lowering my expectations, lowering my standards, to a more reasonable, achievable level....and about the need to have more compassion on myself for not always being able to meet my standards.....

[eskielover]

This hits home at the point I lost my career in 1994.....high standards on myself....high level job....& when the aerospace industry started to die in California.....my firmware engineering position went because no other company wanted to hire me at my high salary without the on the job experience that I didn't specifically have & technology was changing...I had been taking classes at UCLA....but classes didn't matter......my whole life had been put into being a professional....& I failed.....one psychologist added that it was a trauma that I went through also......this was the point when mental illness (anxiety & depression) hit me.....along with all the suicide attempts because I had failed myself. Never was willing to lower my standards....but I was forced into a situation that I didn't want to be in.

I have definitely adapted & other things have hit me along the way....but keeping high standards that I expect out of others like all the health care professionals that failed my mother when she was dying of cancer....not that I expected them to heal her, but to handle the whole situation more professionally than they did, leaving me with a very bad view of my mother at the end of her life.

Our high expectations can really hurt us almost more than they can help at times (or maybe most of the time). It was easier leaving that life behind & starting over fresh for me....but that's really not possible most of the time......I still expect professional work done when I hire it. But when it comes to friends.....I seem to be able to accept people around me for who & what they are.....but there are definitely SOME people that I would NEVER be friends with either.....& there are some that will never be more than acquaintances because I don't want to let them beyond that point. There is nothing wrong with being discerning about the people we come in contact with & who be really become friends with.

But friendships are relationships & every relationship takes WORK & give & take on both parts.....sometimes that giving could be your high standards having to be lowered.....but maybe the other person doesn't want to come up to your standards either......which at the moment may be what keeps others from coming closer to you....maybe the wall you have built to protect yourself....from whatever you feel you need to be protected from?

[Sannah]

Just thought of something. My husband has very high standards. I asked my 12 yr old if we had high standards. She said yes. I asked her who had the higher standards. She said her dad. Maybe this is why I liked him .

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Just thought of something. My husband has very high standards. I asked my 12 yr old if we had high standards. She said yes. I asked her who had the higher standards. She said her dad. Maybe this is why I liked him .

maybe! and maybe you think he does a good job meeting them? or you just like that he has them? anyway, maybe both having high standards makes you compatible all right because you understand where each other is coming from!

[Sannah]

Maybe I feel secure in those high standards?

[ECHOES]

Was being angry possibly the way you were able to 'get your own space' from others when you were growing up?

I am exploring my anger also and I believe that part of it is about being a way I keep people ---back there (holds arm out straight) --- so they don't get too close because if they do I am in danger of disappearing. My anger is often "Hold it right THERE buster!" lol

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Was being angry possibly the way you were able to 'get your own space' from others when you were growing up?

Actually no. I knew knowing of boundaries until I was in my mid 20's and learned about them with my first therapist. I was totally surprised that I could tell people no. The concept had never occurred to me. Good thing that no one with bad intentions had any access to me.

[granite1]

such high standards sounds lonely to me sannah.sending you bunches of huggs