Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

I'm almost excited to be able to express my anger to you/about you on Monday-I just have to wait the weekend! I just hope I will be able to say everything I need to once in front of you...my fear is that you will end up hating me or being so annoyed with me that you will tell me that you can't be my T anymore...you are too busy to deal with someone as needy as me...or that you will say things that while true, will be so hurtful I might not be able to handle it...I'm scared and confused-I hate you and love you so quickly it makes my head hurt and my heart too...please help me figure this out

I'm afraid to talk about our "real" relationship. Not the transference feelings about love and in love, but the email situation and the way you interact with me. I'm afraid of finding out why you let me send you photos of my family and emails of pretty places. You thank me and say they're beautiful. Is that part of you being a T? Is that crossing boundaries? You've kind of shrugged it off as being fine, but it makes me think we have kind of a relationship.

I don't know why you don't have rules about those things. I LIKE that we can have that exchange; it's made me feel comfortable with you but it also seems like we're friends. I know we're not. You're so casual about it all and I don't know if it's because you're inexperienced or if it goes along with the kind of therapy you do. I just don't know!!

I don't want to spoil the good parts of therapy with you. I want to be able to take walks. I like that we do meditation together. To me, the connection we have is crucial and you said it was too. So, where are the boundaries? That I can't know about your private life more than I do? I am confused and I know I want too much. I'm glad you have that boundary about email even though I hate it.

But what is our relationship? I will NEVER understand it. I'm NOT just a client and just your job. You've told me that! Then what am I???????

I just want you know I totally understand this. My T is barely fitting me into his schedule anymore and it really hurts. Logically, I know the reasons make sense, but it still flippin' HURTS!

Dear T

I'm upset and disappointed in you, I need you and you're not there. I can't believe I didn't find out you'd cancelled til I was standing outside. You tell me to contact you if it's urgent, but what if my urgent isn't the same as yours? What if I start contacting you and can't stop. I want to connect with you but you scare me, the thought of you rejecting me scares me. Maybe I expect too much from you, maybe I am too much for you.

This is actually something I could talk with her about. Sometimes I post in this thread to keep me from wanting to email her when I am upset about something. I can't email her over every little thing. So, I post in here to help me get through the anxiety.

My very dear T,
I love you so much! I feel like I want to fill up this whole page with "I love you", that's how strongly i feel it...
Thank you so much for the session yesterday. You said to me such wonderful things that i will keep with me and cherish forever. I can truly feel your love and your emotional investment in our relationship, and that makes me feel so good and so important and so valuable!
The room was so filled with LOVE yesterday, you could almost touch it... Thank you for that. I never felt like that in my life, or at least i can't remember ever feeling like this .
Too bad you had to leave, I will miss you very much. I am thinking about you all the time, wishing i could be there with you, holding your hand, hugging you, giving you a shoulder to cry on.
Please know that you are so loved. I am sure that there are many people in this world who love you, you so deserve it!
Love,
Vaffla

My logic and emotions are at war-my emotional side is wishing that you will send me a happy birthday wish tomorrow...I know that is the sad and lonely part inside of me talking that is aching for real life, friendly care and affection that you won't ever be able to give me. I feel alone and unhappy again as I usually do at this time of year, and my heart is having a hard time with this therapeutic relationship thing, because you've shown me more acceptance and understanding and care in 2 months than I've gotten in years. But you aren't my friend. My logical side knows this and knows you won't be contacting me. It wouldn't be right. But I feel stupid because I am sad for that.

dear pdoc
i cant stop thinking about you. it happens that way when someone seems to care about me. i dont understand why you have invested so much time and interest into my mental health. no other pdoc in all these years has every gone beyond writing me prescriptions and sending me on my way. yet you have zero'd in on my anxiety, the predominant issue i am experiencing right now, and developed a treatment plan/goals to deal with it. i dont even know how the focus became my anxiety. but you nailed it. i still dont know what to think of you. you say you will prescribe what i want so i get brave enough to ask for it, you say ok, and then you less than what i ask. i know what meds work for me and at what dosage, but you give me less. i dont get this. so i ask again, you prescribe again, but still at a lesser dose. and now you are wanting to take me completely off the one med that totally changed my life. why would you do that? it has been working. that scares me so bad. and i wish i had told you. you were telling me a story about seeing anxiety as a monster. i know it was important. you were trying to give me a tool. but i could not hear it becauase i was so scared still after you said you wanted to take me off haldol. i tried so hard to listen. and regret so much not being able to say, wait i cant hear you. i cannot process what you are saying.because i know what you are saying is important. now i want to do a walkin appt just so you can tell me the story i feel it is that important. i am in distress over it. i thought that i used my anxiety as an excuse for being lazy and unmotivated but as i do the homework you gave me i realize that i seriously have a problem. i think the key to your story could help me thru these times, but i did not here it so i do not have tools to cope. i wonder, would you call me and tell me the story again? i feel like i could become really dependent on you. part of me likes that. would like it i you were T. wants to please you. but another part is scared of you. thinks you expect too much. dont like that you are messing with my meds. i need to know more about you. like what are your rules for hospitalization. how freely can i talk about wanting to die. i want to trust you. you know i have problems with that. again, why do you want to mess with my meds, why cant you trust me knowing what works for me. i tell you and you say no problm but then you dont prescribe. i dont understand that. how do we work this out?

Dear T,

I know your mother's funeral is going to take place in a few hours. I can't even imagine how painful it is to say goodbye to your own mother. I am so sorry for your loss .

I know you have your family to support you, but i just wanted you to know that as far as i am concerned, I wish I could have been there with you and for you. I wish i could have been there to hold your hand and tell you that you are loved. May you never know sorrow again.

Im sorry dr b, CT and meds from dr killed us, not your fault, you and kids were only hope but whay they did with meds and health makes living impossible

Dear T,
I really hope Monday does not end up being the last session we have...I'm going to be expressing my anger and I might end up feeling like you can't/won't handle me and that my deepest fear will come true-that you hate working me because I'm annoying and you wish you would have never said yes to see me...that you had no idea how messed up I am and wish you could start over and say you can't see someone like me...you have too much going on...no time to care for me-that when you told me you were not leaving you didn't really mean it...you were just trying to make me feel better...I think I hate you-please don't leave me...help me T...I need you

Old T,
You need to delete your Facebook account.......or else imma go all creepy on you

Dear T,

You are discouraging me and upsetting me (again). You keep saying that I am terrified of my feelings and that only when I choose to allow them to come up will I be able to properly deal with them. You also keep saying that I continue to dismiss my wants, needs, and thoughts. You say that I need to be in control of my emotions and not let them control me or overwhelm me. You keep saying that I need to change in order for things to improve.

Well, that all sounds well and good. BUT the reality is there are a lot of things happening in my life right now. Yes, I know that things happen. That's just life. BUT when you have so many things hitting you at one time, that is hard to deal with.

Speaking of 'dealing' with things. I think I have done a (damn) good job juggling things at home. Yes, I get upset and yes I feel depressed and discouraged. Who wouldn't? BUT I do manage to take care of what needs to be done. I don't allow depression to stop me from going to work everyday. I don't allow depression to stop me from taking care of my husband's needs and things that my daughter needs.

I do not understand what you want me to do. Take care of my needs? What does that look like? What is this 'change' that you are talking about? There are just so many hours in a day. So much time and energy that a person has. I DO take care of myself, but that is normally at the end of the day when I am alone. I DO allow my feelings/emotions to come out, but I don't do that in front of my family and friends.

That is a time of privacy for me. Many, many nights I spend crying and pouring my heart out to God. I talk to myself. Give myself a pep talk. But, I also fear that I won't be able to manage all of the issues that I am facing all at the same time. Isn't that normal? Don't most people feel like that?

I know that there are some of those 'happy-go-lucky' people who seem to be 'happy' no matter what is going on in their lives. BUT do we really see what goes on behind closed doors? Are they really that 'happy' and have it altogether like they make others think?

Sometimes I think you forget that you diagnosed me as being bipolar. Does that count for anything? Are you saying that I can overcome this by controlling my emotions? Are you saying that I should make myself snap out of depression when it happens?

I am sure that you know, people who are bipolar don't know when those 'episodes' are going to happen. Yes, many of them are triggered by events. BUT sometimes they aren't. Again, I think I do a good job of hiding this from others. I DO manage to continue to function and be productive in life. BUT I also have emotions about it all. That is just normal to me and I think normal to most people.

I don't think that I should go around feeling down in the dumps and have the appearance of a pathetic, sorry person who obviously wants someone to come up to me and ask, "What's wrong, Squiggle? You look depressed."I have to put on a 'face' and go forth with life when I am in public or around people. When I do that all day and then come into your office, I can't just change modes and go into, "Okay, let's talk about me. All about me." Some people are slow processors. I am one of those. I need to shift gears. I do this with my group of friends and also with my church group. I am always pretty quiet in the beginning. It takes me awhile to warm up to people. Even if it is people that I know.

Just because I shut down when I get to a session does not mean that I am refusing to look at my feelings. I can't do that on cue. Just like I cannot cry on cue. I can't come into your office and just switch gears like that. Could you?

Yes, I do get overwhelmed. Yes I would say that things do paralyze me at times. Why is that wrong/bad? When you are faced with a lot of things that really have no answer this is not that odd. When you continually face losing your home would that paralyze you with fear? Maybe not you, but I think that a lot of people would feel that way.

I don't know if I can pass your 'therapy course'. It has been 18 months and we still keep going back to same thing. I dismiss my thoughts, needs, and wants. Maybe I just can't get an "A" in your course. I have done a lot of work. Like I said before, I spend HOURS working on assignments and thinking about stuff we talk about in sessions. I do try to apply the 'tools' that you have given me. I do think about how I can change my thought patterns. Maybe you don't see me as making much progress?

Again, I don't think I can pass your class. I honestly think that you have unrealistic expectations for me. Yes, you do tell me "good job" and "awesome" and that you think I did a great job expressing my emotions in emails. I do appreciate that and it helps me.

Right now, I feel that I can't be 'good enough' for you. I feel that you are minimizing my situation at home. I have a LOT on me right me right now. Of course I am upset about it. Yes, I am overwhelmed and freaked out. This is my life we are talking about. When you don't have a vehicle to go to work, isn't that a big deal? When both cars break down at the same time? And to top that, my husband's wheelchair is broken, too? Wouldn't you call that a crisis? Is it okay to get emotional and overwhelmed about that?

What about the fact that medical bills keep pouring in? We can't get any more medical supplies until we pay the bills that we already have? We thought Medicare was paying 100%. We were wrong. So now what? There is no money tree planted in my backyard. Don't you think not having the medical supplies we need is a big deal? I don't think taping a ziplock bag over a stoma is going to work! Nor is replacing a catheter with a straw!

The list could go on and on. I cannot allow my feelings to control me. You are right about that. But having a meltdown here and there is normal. The positive thing, is that I am not staying in bed and refusing to get up and face life. I am not resorting to SI to cope. I am not going nuts and in a psychiatric hospital. That is what I would call managing my emotions.

You say that I minimize my feelings/emotions/situation. When you compare this to the families of those who went through the 911 tragedy, mine do look minimal. I did not have a family member die in a horrible tragedy. I don't have to live with the pain they do. My life is nothing compared to the suffering they have gone through.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I just feel like I can't do what you want me to do. I am trying, but obviously it is not what you are looking for. You may be totally right about me and your evaluation of what I need to do. But, I don't think I get it. I don't think I can meet your expectations. This makes me sad. I don't like to 'fail' at anything. I am not a quitter, but this makes me want to throw the towel in.

I hope that this does not cause you to tell me that you don't think I should come back. It's not that I don't think I should be here or that I don't think you know what you are doing, but I don't feel too great about therapy right now. Maybe this is just too hard for me? Maybe I am not smart enough to get this? The main reason I am continuing with therapy is because you and my husband think I need to. I don't know what I need anymore. Just when I think I am making progress, I feel that you slam with me with something I am still not doing right. It makes me not want to share anything with you at all. But if I do that, what is the point in me coming to therapy?

I have no idea what I feel or think or need at this point. I am just trying to get through every day hour by hour.

I found this in an article:
"Feelings are fickle. They change quickly. Feelings may be good indicators of what is going on inside us, and we should investigate what they represent. But feelings make poor rudders. Allowing feelings to guide your choices sometimes causes you to expend your limited time and energy in unproductive ways. For making decisions, your values and your wisdom for the future are far more reliable."

Squiggle

Squiggle:

I want to know if I am deceiving myself about our relationship. Please tell me the truth even if it will hurt me. Do we have a "real relationship" or do you care about me just because I pay you and I'm your client? When I'm not seeing you anymore, will you still want to see the photos and emails from me? Do you think about me outside of the session?

Do you think I spend too much time thinking about you and therapy? (Well, the answer is probably yes to that question because I do) You know I love my family, don't you, and that they are very important to me? Do you think it's my fault I think about you too much? Do you think this problem, of why I focus on you, IS a REAL ISSUE for me, and not a way of "escaping" my so-called real problems? It's the reason I came to therapy again, and people seem to think I'm not focusing on my REAL ISSUES in therapy. Don't you agree that obsessing about you IS MY REAL ISSUE? Why don't people understand that?

Rainbow, you don't need people to understand that. Other people's opinions are irrelevant. What's important is what YOU understand and know.
Yes, I agree with you. I believe your real issue is an anxious attachment style that you had to your parents (mom?) in your childhood. That is the way you learned to attach to people, and that is how you attach to your T's. The way you feel about her, think about her, obsess about her, is very relevant to your therapy. It's the most important thing to work on in your therapy. You don't owe anyone an explanation about what you do in your therapy and how you relate to other people in your life.

Dear T,
Although I will miss you next week, I am glad you are taking some time off for health reasons. I am getting together with some friends for dinner next week and will tell you all about it when I see you in a week!

Goodbye and thank you. we are sorry. Cant fight family and drs abuses any more and no one helps or believes.
sincerely, thank you and love
all of us

justmes - don't even think of it. People want to help but so far they're just not 'getting it'. Like all of us you deserve to be heard. Would you consider starting a thread here on PC and sharing with us more of your situation? Hang in there...

dear pdoc
it disturbs me that i am still thinking about you. am i becoming obsessed? before it was thoughts on the positive side, about you wanting to help me. Now those thoughts have turned more dark. What is your motivation for helping me? you made comment about putting your apps in elsewhere and being a contract employee and now you may be here a year instead of you being gone before my next appointment. i was happy that you would still be around so that i didnt have to start again with a new pdoc.

but now i question your motivation for getting so involved with my treatment. are you like a brand new doctor? is that why you are doing therapy with me because its your first time out and you havent learned yet tht pdocs dont do therapy here? am i a project and you saw the potential for success in me so you thought you'd go for it? changing my meds around because you learned it different in school and you just cant accept what works for me, what an older doc prescribed? i have so many questions. i guess i know the focus of T on tuesday. he will have no choice but to work congruently with you, you have assured that havent you.

agree agree agree agree agree

Dear t, i am still mad about having to wait for over a month to see you.

and the worst thing, you scheduled me on the worst anniversary of my life and i am not even allowed to talk about it because then i am "catastrophosizing" (sorry, can't spell) your words not mine. how cruel can you be?

i have worn out my welcome, you win, i have lost again.
i am not calling to cancel i will just wait for the "courtesy call" or dumb $h*t call, because i am too stupid to remember when my appt is.... yeah right, right now i feel like i am part of some joke on your part....

really, i understand, sorry, thanks, bye

Dear T,

I know it was not your intention and you were just trying to help me get some perspective into how I was handling things in my life, but.........you really hurt my feelings.

I also know that more than likely you will see this as me over-reacting or being too sensitive or whatever it is that I do. But the bottom line is this. You hurt my feelings. That is a true emotion that I am 'feeling' right now.

Squiggle

Dear T,
Totaly honest now -
do you really want to see me on Wednesday?
Or are you sick to death of me?
SAWE

Dear T,

My husband thinks I am misreading your email. He does not see it like I do. He reads it that you are not putting me down or saying that I am not doing well. He says that you were just making a statement. A blanket statement about anyone who is going through struggles.

Maybe I am too sensitive? I don't know. But I sure got my feelings hurt by that email. I don't want to tell you because I am afraid that you will tell me that you would rather not email between sessions anymore. You will say that this is why many therapists don't do email. There is too much risk of misinterpreting them.

This will pass. I will be okay by the time we meet on Wednesday. My hurt feelings will have been mended and I will more than likely not bring this up to you. I just hope that I don't shut down again! But I can't help it. I really can't. It just happens.

Squiggle