Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Why not? What happened?

I finally broke down and sent her an email this morning. I asked her to explain what she means: "What is it that you want me to work on? What is it that you think I am holding back on? I don't get this at all."

Yes, this is what I told her. Her response will be interesting. Sometimes I want to throw these questions back on her. Ask her the same things she asks of me. Then again, she will tell me that my sessions are not about her. They are about me. She is there to help me, not to talk about herself.

Dear T,
I'm trying so hard not to call you because I want to respect your time off, but things got really bad again and Wednesday is so far away...

Dear T, I hope I don't tell you what tremendous effort it took not to call you yesterday. You would be proud that I resisted so mightily. But I don't want you to know that I was feeling needy. You see, I've backed off a bit emotionally from you, I've realized. And I guess I don't want to risk getting myself there again - especially with a month off looming in November. So, I'll come in next week and just carry on like normal hopefully never letting on that I almost caved.

Dear T, you wanted to know why I made my next appointment at a longer interval (3 wks) than what has been usual lately (2 wks). I didn't answer you but the reason is because I felt like therapy was over, that this was the end, and the best I could do to pay attention to that feeling was make an appointment at a longer interval. But now I'm feeling differently and 2 weeks would have been OK (except for the money issue). Best, sunny

Dear T,

Please don't spend the next session talking about how banks now have special debit cards for children and it's good for kids to learn financial responsibility. Also, don't talk about chocolate, the Catholic church you attended as a girl, the weather. Please. Just don't. I am ready to explode all over your couch and you are asking me if I like cafe mochas.

Dear Old T,

Every sense we stopped seeing each other, I have started to hate you for allowing me to think I was getting better with you. I was SOOO wrong. I have to deal with my problems on my own sense you are no longer allowed to see me. I can't afford to get help even if I wanted it now. The worse part is I should have to worry about being able to afford it. If you didn't screw me over the first time. I wouldn't be in this mess now. Tell me why you didn't just hand my case over to someone else. If you thought you couldn't help me or even the realization that your life is similar to mine when you where younger. You should of gave up and let me start all over. I would of been better off today. It really hard not to tell you all this when you come to my work to work with your clients. I just want to yell at you and ask why did you let me think, you where helping me? When I told you about the self harm thing you said we would talk about it next time but next time never happened. When my biggest problem came around you told me, I should have been flattered. Thanks you for making me think, I was just be stupid but when I started to blame me and all the pain that I was holding inside because you didn't help me, when I need you the most. I was stuck dealing with it myself. Just to tell you it took 2 year of my life to become happy again. Now I just pray the stuff doesn't come back. Thanks so much for being a horrible t.

Sincerally- ME

Our relationship used to be so good. You never said anything about pushing your buttons or not wanting to tell me things about yourself. Now you're changing and I hate that! You've always told me to accept all of my parts and have compassion for them. Is this what you meant when you said you weren't perfect? I've been thinking that you are pretty close to perfect, and now I have to accept that you can dislike my behavior. I feel sick about it. You told me that you're not giving up on me and in the past, you said that whatever I write in my emails, you will still like me very much. I believe you, but I don't feel good about our relationship anymore. I'm depressed.

please dont let me down today...its my BIRTHDAY....please do what you said you were going to do....

((Happy birthday hug))

T, I need you to help me with the issue you avoid. You are an expert in that! I am not a male, and I know you deal with males on that subject, but I am in trouble. I can't stop. I can't do 12 step. And it is making me think bad SU thoughts all the time when the problem happens. I am fighting very hard to heal. But if you won't help me on this, no one can help me. I need you. W

Dear T,

I wish that I didn't worry so much about the end of therapy. Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why am I worried about when I can't come anymore? I keep telling you that I want to stop before that time comes, but you don't think that is in my best interest to do that. Why?

It is going to be so much harder on me to 'have' to stop due to finances. I would rather stop when I am not in that situation. Will you talk to me about this? Will you tell me how "the end" is going to happen?

Squiggle

I was mad at u for going out of the country and enjoying a special vacation while my world was falling apart. I was humiliated for not being ok while you were gone. And so I punished you by canceling my appointment. I am so dumb.

Dear Old T
I am still smarting over the way that you used your power, your sense of self, and your distancing techniques to keep therapy happening, even when I thought it was a waste of time, and especially money. I think that you are a pretty exploitative person. I suppose, on some level, it's good that I ran into you, and that I can (mostly) write this phase in my life off to a difference in styles. But that doesn't tell the whole story. I think, at some level, you enjoy having the "upper hand" in a relationship. I also think that you're burnt out, which is a way of unplugging from being a caring person, and that just makes it easier to seemlike you're letting go, when in reality, you're just numb, and that is something that's very easy to sense.

This is really powerful and has the ring of truth to it. I am glad for the insight you have mcl6136 and also glad you have left this T in the dust. Having had this experience will help you identify similar people (not just therapists) in the future and give them a wide berth.

Dear T,

I can't help but wonder if you get bored with your clients after awhile. I mean, you probably get tired of the same ole faces and same ole issues?

I have been with you for 18 months now. Are you getting tired of me? Would you rather start fresh with a new client? I understand if you feel that way, but what do you want me to do?

You keep telling me that I am not "through" with therapy. But do you say that to all of your clients? Are you trying not to hurt my feelings?

I asked my husband about this. He said that I need to be in therapy for the rest of my life! He meant it. He wants me to come forever. He says that I need it to stay grounded. But I don't think you believe like that. You want me to find that support with other people. Is that right?

Well, I am doing so much better with my social skills. I have come a very long way since I began therapy. I am doing things that I never thought I would do. But, I still have some of the same issues I have had for a long time.

I wish that I could trust you and what you tell me, but I think that sometimes you say to me what you say to all of your clients. I am fighting the urge to bail out. To stop therapy while things are somewhat good. I don't want to end on a bad note.

Squiggle

Dear T,
I am SO SCARED for tomorrow. I really really hope I can say what I need to, have you not be angry, and everything to be ok.

Dear T, I won't ask you this question but I'm wondering why I felt like calling you up and cussing you out. I like you a lot and I feel no ill will towards you so I can't understand where that was coming from.

Dear T,
I miss you a tons. I wish I could just hear your voice or read a letter from you but I can't. T you give me this feeling that I'm safe and life will be good again even when my walls a falling on me. I hope one day, I'm so lucky to find a man like you one day. You make think I worth it and most of the time I feel like I'm a waste of time. I WISH I could hear your voice. Your voice will give me the feeling back. I feel like you have so much power over me but I have never met a person like you.

Sinceraly-ME

two more days then i will cancel my appt. anxiety is about 6.5 and depression would be lots better if i didn't feel so nauseaous.....

i think you know it is coming. and that you are glad.
sorry.thanks.bye.

I wish you could rescue me. I'm not in love with you, and I don't want you to be my parent or my friend but I have this very childish fantasy and wish. I wish you could just shield me from the bad stuff and rescue me from pain. Be my knight in a therapist armor. Tell me it's going to be okay and make sure it happens. I know I will be better off having learned how to protect myself because I have to be okay on my own, you won't be here forever. But right now I just wish you could save me.

Dear T, i am finally starting to feel relief about not going to therapy. Maybe i am fighting this so much because it is time to end. i dunno.
just feel really really weird inside my body and i don't like it at all.

constantly feeling hungry. and then confused, but mostly hungry.

Dear T - Sorry I kinda wasted your time today, but thanks for all the good advice. Maybe next week I can open up ....

I lied to you yesterday. Out right lied and I knew it. I can't tell you that I did it either. I don't want you to think I am a liar and can't be trusted. I hate myself for it.

Dear T,
I'm counting on you to come through for me on this pdoc thing...I know you tried the one avenue and that didn't work-so I asked you to give me the names of the places or pdocs that you would trust...I'm a little upset that you didn't want to make sure I got hooked up with one after I told you how bad last Monday night was...but I know you have wanted this for me for a while...and that it comes down to me deciding to go...and I'm ready-I need this...and I also need you to be there for me through this...process with me how it will be if I get diagnosed with what you/I think I could have...I think it's a bigger deal than you realize...okay thank you-love you!!
*Delicate*