[Chronic]

I have real problems with this. When T talks about another patient I feel incredibly jealous, and its kind of like a realisation that out relationship is not special to him- I am just another patient and he's just doing his job. I hate that he speaks about other patients with the same care and compassion he shows me. I want to be Ts favourite patient, I want to be the one that he thinks about during the week, the one that he has more affection for than anyone else. I want to be the patient that makes a difference to Ts life and the one he wants to help more than anyone else.

I know it sounds selfish, but it's how I feel.

I'm wondering how others deal with it- or is it not an issue for you?

[rainbow8]

You're not alone, Chronic. It's an issue for me too but I try not to think about it much. Lately, though, my T says we have to end on time because someone is coming right after me. I hate that! When we walk out, usually the next client isn't even there. Of course I don't like when it's time for my session and there is someone before me, either, and that someone is still there.

Yesterday when my T told me someone was coming and we had to end on time, I said "there isn't anyone else, only ME." She knows I wish she didn't have any other clients. It helps saying that. I'm not so jealous, though, because I know how much she cares about me. Each client is special to her! Do you talk about your feelings with him? That could help. You know, a mom who has many children loves each one! A teacher can care about all her students, too.

[BlessedRhiannon]

The only time I've ever gotten upset with my T for having other clients was the one time I asked for extra time, and she told me she was booked up. It hurt...a lot. Mostly it hurt that she couldn't meet MY needs because she has other clients.

Generally, I don't even register that my T has other clients, because she never mentions them in any way, and I never see them.

[granite1]

my T has only gone over once and i freaked out when the phone rang to tell her her other client was thare.it never happened again.i just felt really bad because i was intruding on the other client.i just dont thnk i am attached enough to my T to have the fact that she has other clients bother me so much.i just didnt want that person angry at me.sometimes i kind of wish it did bother me more because than it would mean maybe i trust someone enough to care.i guess i worry more about what they are thinking of me

I don't deal with it, really. I sort of bypass the other clients and go straight to being jealous of her daughter. And when the reality of being a client, and the fact that there are other clients, hits me, I beg her to tell me she only loves me and not them. So there's how not to do it!

I'm sorry this is so painful at the moment

[crazycanbegood]

I generally don't think of my T's other clients in relation to me. I know my T wants to expand her practice, so I am happy to know she has clients. Also, I must admit I tell myself that I am my T's favorite client, so all those other folks matter not at all!

My advice is only to try to think of what your T gives you in the moment you are together. You have her attention and her care at the moment. She can be there for you, even with many other clients.

I honestly don't have an issue with it. Professionals always have more than one client they work with. Let's face it, if a therapist only had one client, that would probably indicate they weren't very good at their job.

[elliemay]

It's never really bothered me either. However, i can certainly understand how it could.

It's not a selfish thing to want this relationship all to yourself. I think it's a normal phase to grow into and eventually, out of.

I do think that you could ask your therapist not to talk about other patients with you. I can not think of a single time my therapist has mentioned it, unless I have specifically asked about it. Tell him how it makes you feel.

Listen and try to hear what he has to say.

[purple_fins]

Chronic:

I have real problems with this

so sorry you do, I do too. but it's a bit different feeling for me-- it feels scary, unsafe.

rainbow8:

You know, a mom who has many children loves each one!

I think this might be where some of my trigger comes from-- a mother that picked one girl and one boy as her chosen ones and the rest of us had to fend for ourselves... which resulted in abuses and traumas for me(being the youngest) and two sisters and another brother being alcoholics. I fear that caring can not go around to each person-- it's a worry I so struggle with every single week... *sigh*... I hate it....

granite1:

i just felt really bad because i was intruding on the other client

Yes, me too when T. and I are running overtime! I know how uncomfortable it feels for me when T. is 10-15 minutes behind schedule and I sure don't want another person to feel that same way...

crazycanbegood:

try to think of what your T gives you in the moment you are together. You have her attention and her care at the moment. She can be there for you, even with many other clients.

I think this is good advice Chronic. I try really hard to do this very thing-- but it's really hard work and not so good at convincing myself just yet.

please know you are not alone

fins

[kaliope]

I dont have a problem with my T having other patients but I do tend to think I would be a favorite because I work in the mental health field so he can talk to me in a more clinical manner and I understand. Plus I am med compliant, do my homework, not clingy. I would be crushed to find out I was just another patient.

[sunrise]

I have kind of the opposite reaction to my T's other clients. I feel a kinship with them, like we are connected because we share a therapist. I really like my therapist so I think that if he has these clients, they must be good people too. Kind of convoluted logic, but I definitely feel well-disposed towards them. I had a dream once where all of T's clients were at his house for a barbecue. I really enjoyed meeting them all and socializing with them.

Originally Posted by granite1

i just dont thnk i am attached enough to my T to have the fact that she has other clients bother me so much

Granite, I am very attached to my T, and his other clients don't bother me, so I don't think those two things are necessarily linked.

I agree w/ farmergirl--if my T didn't have other clients, that might indicate he was not a good T. It is a good thing if your T has a lot of clients because then he is probably successful and effective as a therapist. I just don't want my T to have so many that it becomes too hard to get an appointment (someone on here recently posted they had to wait 2 months for appointments--yikes!).

[Chronic]

Thanks everyone

We have touched on this before but haven't really spoken about it at length.

I agree that if my T didn't have other clients/patients then it would worry me-I know he has had hundreds of patients over the years which in a way I like because he has lots of experience and is a good T, but i feel such intense jealousy at times when he talks to me about other patients he has helped that have been in similar situations to me. I know he's only doing it to help me and because it's relevant to my problem, but I can't stand the fact that other people get his care. Or that others get *as much* care as me. I want him to care about me more than any other patient. Ever!

[WePow]

I am happy my T has clients because that helps him pay his bills. My once a week visit wouldn't be enough for him to pay for his office space. LOL. But the funny thing is that he did buy himself a new truck this year and I actually thought to myself "Look! I am buying my T his new truck!" I laughed at myself a lot for that automatic thought!

It is strange for me to see other clients when they leave, but not because I am jeleous of them. It is because I often hear them laughing at the end of session and my sessions are usually painful. I think to myself "Why am I even bothering this man with my sadness when he could have filled the time with clients who make him laugh?" So I tend to feel like I am the client he hates to see, even though he always acts ok to see me.

Because I do like my T and think of him as a good guy, I tend to want only the best for him. So I am very happy he has his other clients and that some of them can make him smile :-)

[WikidPissah]

I only have a problem when they glare at me after an appointment...because T habitually runs late all day long. I solve this by leaving on time, even if it cuts my session short. I'm glad he has other patients, it gives me hope that he might deal with someone worse then me.

[ballet_girl]

Originally Posted by WePow

It is strange for me to see other clients when they leave, but not because I am jeleous of them. It is because I often hear them laughing at the end of session and my sessions are usually painful. I think to myself "Why am I even bothering this man with my sadness when he could have filled the time with clients who make him laugh?"

I agree WePow. The only time I even thought about T having other patients is when I was in the waiting room and heard them laughing. I never laugh with T and our sessions are usually pretty serious. I thought she must like that client a lot more than she likes me if they are laughing together.

[with or without you]

I really don't think about it

[sittingatwatersedge]

you mean.... I'm not?

Drat, and that was the only way I was ever gonna be able to make Favorite Client Of The Year.

Another balloon popped.


JK of course. Actually I don't think of them - except for one, I sure would love to know how that one lady manages to laugh so much. I asked T, what could she possibly come here for, maybe you are doing wardrobe consultation on the side?!

[Bella01]

My T likes to make me laugh because I hardly ever see things that are funny to me. So the laughing is part of my sessions.

I do get upset when my T looks at his watch. I always feel like he wants me out of there.
But he has said I'm one of his farvorite clients.

I understand!!!
My therapist has a big heart and a lot of love to go around... just because she enjoys other clients too doesn't mean she doesn't have a bunch of love left for me, so that sort of helps.

[Daisymay]

I used to find it hard knowing I wasn't T's only patient/client - especially when my T referred to 'booking me in a slot' or anything that meant I was part of her job and not anything more.
I did mention how I felt about this once or twice and the fact that she acknowledged this did seem to help.
These days I don't think about it at all - I AM part of her job but I also know she cares about and is concerned about all of her clients. The actual relationship I have with her (as opposed to the one I used to wish we had) is the one that I need and find most helpful. I didn't used to think I would EVER get to that point, but I have and it feels so much healthier and happier. But, back then, when I used to feel so hurt and 'jealous' I wish I'd heard someone say what Rainbow8 has said above:
'You know a mom who has many children loves each one!' I think that's a lovely way of looking at it.

[Mike_J]

I don't deal with it very well. My therapist never mentions her other paitients but I hate it when I am waiting and I know she is in there with another person, very jealous. I also hate leaving and seeing someone waiting to see her, most of the time that isn't a problem because I'm usually her last session of the day.

Good luck just know that your not alone with this.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

'You know a mom who has many children loves each one!' I think that's a lovely way of looking at it.

yes well see, that's exactly where I had trouble with it. If T and I are, as she says, two professionals having a discussion, that's one thing (even if one of us one just watches in silence while the other cries, or rages, or otherwise rips open her most secret recesses and sits there bleeding.... but we'll just set that aside for now at least I can deal with it)

but my mother had many children, and she did not hesitate to tell us (direct quote): "Well, if you don't want to... I have other children".

The cool promise of banishment from one's family.... the casual threat of abandonment, the prospect of her ultimate rejection, which is death.... well calculated to strike terror into the heart of a child... and it was mine, all my growing up years.
The idea that T has other children is hardly something to instill confidence in me. of course, everyone is different.

[peridot28]

Chronic, I'm my therapist's first client after she returns from lunch, so I never have to wait for another client to be done with their session. I encounter other clients when I leave, but it doesn't bother me. I know how popular and good my T is and it makes me feel so blessed to be part of what I call her "healing community". I will admit that I don't want anyone that I know seeing her, but over the past few months even that isn't as much of a source of anxiety for me as it used to be. I think the reason for that is that my T reassures me and I'm also confident enough NOW to know that my relationship with her is very important and that she loves me. If I sat and tried to analyze her love and care for me versus her love and care for her other clients I would make myself absolutely crazy. I bet your T looks forward to seeing you, because it helps him put his knowledge and abilities to work that he spent years learning. So, you are giving him the opportunity to be with you and to put into practice his knowledge, and I think that is a big gift that you're giving him. Just by you showing up to your sessions is, I'm sure, a blessing to him. Yep, I think you're pretty important to your T, Chronic.

WePow, I am the client that does laugh a lot with my T, and sometimes it's nervous laughter and usually occurs before or after I've dug deep and the session's been very difficult and serious. So, I try and bring in my comedy act to deflect from the painful (but needed and productive) session I just had. So, try not to judge yourself on not laughing with your T, because sometimes that laughter is just a result of lots of pain and your T trying to make a transition for the client back into real life before leaving the session.

My T said she loves hearing all of my good and funny things, but wants me to tell her the most horrible, deep, dark things, too, because that is what I'm in therapy for. Your T wouldn't have a practice if he dealt with happy, giggly, good news people all day. He wants to hear your pain and your struggles, because that's what he does. You and your pain ARE important.

I simply enjoy my time with my T and the work we do together. It's mine 100%, and its as meaningful to her as it is to me at the time. And I do find comfort knowing that she can provide that kind of care to others who are going through painful parts of their life. Now - with a T I saw for a brief period of time, I had a lot of jealousy. She only takes so many cases of those with DID, and I could not 'keep her'. So that can hurt at times if I allow myself to really sit and think about it. I do think it would bother my inner kids a LOT if my current T took on another client wtih DID. My kids enjoy being the only 'littles' for her. Oh yeah, that would bring out the green monster...

In terms of laughter, I don't think it's about a T "enjoying a client more". I know when we are doing really tough trauma work (as client) we make jokes and get goofy to relieve the tension. My inner kids love to say silly things to try to end on a good note. But it's a very short interaction.

I enjoy my clients that make me laugh, have me on the verge of tears from sadness, have me joining them in whispered conversation, or allow me to see their pain/anger etc.

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by Chronic

I have real problems with this. When T talks about another patient I feel incredibly jealous, and its kind of like a realisation that out relationship is not special to him- I am just another patient and he's just doing his job. I hate that he speaks about other patients with the same care and compassion he shows me. I want to be Ts favourite patient, I want to be the one that he thinks about during the week, the one that he has more affection for than anyone else. I want to be the patient that makes a difference to Ts life and the one he wants to help more than anyone else.

I know it sounds selfish, but it's how I feel.

I'm wondering how others deal with it- or is it not an issue for you?

chronic,
So many different responses here.
FYI, I've been coming here for years now, and every so often someone has the courage to raise this subject.
For me it was absolute agony! Just unthinkable. I comforted myself by thinking that this is actually a painfully unnatural situation. We have our primal feelings aroused in therapy often, but we cant do the natural thing which would be to play with our siblings and have our own relationship with them. Can you imagine how unhealthy it would be if children in a family werent allowed to meet eachother!!
Now Im in training, and have my own clients with whom, between us there has developed a close and important relationship. I hate to think of them suffering what I went thro with that jelousy thing. When Im with the person, I am in a total one to one with them. And it matters to me that if I do my job right the person will hopefully eventually fulfil all their genuine relational needs outside of the therapy relationship, as it is, or should be ultimately a means to an end. I feel love for each one, but its a kind of love that has to take second place to the purpose of therapy. I am also grateful, asthey grow I grow, and each is so unique and irreplacable by anyone else. Its a real privilege to be in the position to work with people, and its a privilege for your T to work with you too. I know its difficult to be consoled, but I hope this helps.