[nicoleb2]

I see my T tomorrow. I'm kind of indifferent about it. I have to tell her that I cut, and pretty bad this time, and that I was having sui thoughts. I'm not at that point today though. This time it was not overwhelming despair that got me, it was numbness and not wanting to be me anymore.

[Rose76]

I have gotten seriously depressed and there is nothing that I believe can be done by any psych professional. The pdoc hasn't returned the call made last week, but I don't know that it really even matters. I think I'm taking plenty of medication. Constant anxiety on top of depression . . . well, really, it is the anxiety that is the problem. Depression is the outcome. I could take more stuff to tranquilize myself, but that would not be addressing any problem.

[cin1]

have you considered something like a walk, or any thing that might make the endorphins kick in/? or reading a good book, . when i was so depressed, i could not stop crying.. i just cried constantly. i take two anti-depressants so i never cry now. i hope you can begin to feel better. i know any one can offer "hope", yet when it is you who feel "Hopeless". it's difficult.

[cin1]

another thought- about not addressing the problem... i have a lot of anger from back years ago, and now that my husband drinks, it is all coming to the surface.. But, is it him making me angry, or is it something in my past? i am bi-polar. but i snap in a second at times. my point is, for me, what exactly do I need to do to address my problem? walk away, have counseling, scream , what??

25 days.
Spent some time with mum today... wasn't good. I felt miserable and could barely find it within myself to talk. She doesn't like it when I'm depressed, she doesn't know how to relate to me, so it just winds up being awkward.

[cin1]

i am not uncomfortable with silence, but it took years for me to be at this point. i wonder why you feel you are "just-some-girl...? that sounds like you are nobody, and that is just not true.

[Rose76]

Thank you, cin1, I don't feel I can cope with going anywhere right now. I did do 4 hours of volunteer work today. I enjoy seeing all the birds at the bird feeders outside my kitchen window. I do know that it is very hard to live with someone who drinks too much. I'm glad now to be alone.

[FourRedheads]

Busy day today. That's good for now. I need to stay busy. The countdown to T is getting more intense as I get closer to session. Today I was able to say 'it's the day after tomorrow.'

Today was a much better day. We still have some medical issues with my husband, but I am dealing with it a little better.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thank you, cin1, I don't feel I can cope with going anywhere right now. I did do 4 hours of volunteer work today. I enjoy seeing all the birds at the bird feeders outside my kitchen window. I do know that it is very hard to live with someone who drinks too much. I'm glad now to be alone.

The volunteer work is amazing-good for you. i would do some for awhile, and then tire of it. it shows your unselfishness. i like to watch birds too. we have about six hummingbirds out front eating at their feeders. they are so territorial and quick, going after each other. such funny tiny things. i have never been alone since my nervous breakdown years ago. i went from a hospital, to living at home with my parents, then got married, and now it is 33 years later. i am trying to get used to it, even though he is out back, but i really feel left for what is out there. i am ok with it for awhile and then i get angry. if i stay busy i am better. hope you rest well.cin1

[nicoleb2]

Getting closer to time to see my T. I am very anxious about it and i don't want to go

[FourRedheads]

I just found out a neighbor died. He was only 67. A single guy who had 2 big dogs. German Shepherds, I think. I just talked to him a couple of days ago when I was out walking my dog. He was always so nice to me. We commented on the beautiful weather. The obit says he was a Vietnam Vet. I didn't know that. They found him in his garage. A neighbor called the police when one of his dogs was outside barking nonstop. They think it was a heart attack.

[SilentLucidity]

FourRedheads, sorry to hear about your neighbor.

I had T yesterday. We went over for the first time ever. I feel so bad about that. She offered to give me an extra session this week so I just emailed asking her for one. I am going to attempt work today for the first time this week. I am so sick to my stomach right now with nerves. I am scared people will hound me under the guise of "caring" to find out why I was gone. I rarely miss work and students have no concept of privacy these days. Even saying, "I was taking care of a personal matter" makes me want to cry. I start a group tonight that is supposed to help me learn ways to cope with all the stress in my life right now. I am so terrified of going to this group.

breathing in . . . breathing out

[Rose76]

((((SilentLucidity)))) I'm sorry you have so much pain at this time. People do pry. Sometimes, you have to become like a broken record, giving the same banal response repeatedly, until they get tired of the exchange. I forget if you've been seeing a pdoc. Since your attendance at work has been affected, and might be again, it would be wise to have it documented by a physician that you have been unwell.

[FourRedheads]

Thank you, Silent.

[rainbow8]

I went to yoga today and it helped me feel calmer! I emailed my T about it. I'm starting to see my session as not so awful, but as an opening to get to what is really wrong with me. My feelings were so powerful and I was so triggered by those words "professional", "client", "we're not friends", etc. that I know it's something BIG. I may have even dissociated during the session. I don't remember all of my T's questions. I was trying to "get away".

I had to leave work and come home early. My husband is ill. I don't want to go back to the ER!!! I hate going there. We have been many, many times, but not lately. I guess I need to pack my bags just in case

[FourRedheads]

I hope you guys can stay away from the ER, Squiggle. I'm sorry your husband is ill.

Today I want to disappear. I feel like I'm fading. That sounds so melodramatic. Like the loser self I have become. A friend(ish) said today that I've lost tons of weight. Uh, yeh. That's what happens when you're depressed and you can't eat. The weight loss is nice but what an awful way to go about it.

Not sure what to talk about in T tomorrow. I think I'd like to wrap up in a blanket, sit in the corner, and cry. I wonder what T would do if I really did that.

[mcl6136]

I am really doing badly today. Therapy appointment crashed so badly that I think I'm going to take a break from the process. That is triggering a huge amount of grief. I don't really know where to turn. My friends are kind of sick of hearing about this, and oddly, a few of them are refugees from this therapist too. I don't want to call the help line here in town, because they will alert....my T. I'm too tired to get on the phone to try to schedule new therapist appointments. It's going to be hard to hang in there and just ...well, feel my way through this.

[Astridetal]

I am kind of angry. As I wrote in a separate thread, I won't be able to get treamtnet for my DID. I am also feeling quite sad. Therapy on Friday, first time in three weeks due to my only seeing her every other week and my having canceled last week due to an important appointment (I'm really glad she didn't let me wait the full two weeks to see her again). Struggling lots with destructive behaviors and not sure what my therapist will say about them. Most likely nothing as she can't help me with these really.

[Rose76]

This has been a bad day. I didn't even go to do the volunteer work today, after agreeing to be there. My left upper eyelid twitches nervously, at times. (Not something that is normal for me.) Now I am not caring about anything because it is too awful to care about. I called the psych center to ask why I hear nothing. I requested a call from my pdoc on the 8th of Sept. Still waiting to hear.

[FourRedheads]

So many are struggling. 's to all.

[nicoleb2]

I saw my T today. We talked about what was going on on Sunday and she helped me to realize some of the emotions that were happening and why I was doing it, that particular time. It went so much better than I was expecting, and she reminded me that I can call or text her any time for coaching!

I finally dragged myself out of bed at teatime...

I wish I hadn't bothered, as I was confronted by a letter from the Dept of Work & Pensions that demands I justify my 'illness' -- and so I'm now worried that they won't believe I'm sick and they'll put me on jobseekers and make me apply for jobs I don't want to do, or else take my minute amount of finance away. So now I have that hanging over my head - which only adds to my anxiety - so thanks.

Then my mum called and said she wasn't 'going to take no for an answer' and that she'd booked me a ticket to an annual event she goes to -- a place where everyone has a common interest I don't have, and would involve me 'getting dressed up' (I feel fat and unnattractive right now) 'eating a 3 course meal' (I can't eat a meal in public with terrible anxiety and possible vomiting) and generally socialising with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with, feeling like a fish out of water. A situation I would be trapped in for an entire weekend. So, I said no. Which meant I got a massive guilt trip. Mum will now be all 'she's so ungrateful, and she pushes me away when I try to do something nice' -- when the actual reality is that she should have asked me first. In fact, if she knew me at all, she should have known it would be my idea of hell -- just like it was LAST year when she tried to make me go and I had a massive panic attack. Now I'm the b**** for saying 'no' to her 'nice surprise'... Thanks. I didn't want to be put in that position. I hate that everything I do with mum has to be on her terms - it's all about her - like, to spend time with her, I have to tag along with her to events she's already going to, events I have no interest in (and I've told her before about this.) She never says 'why don't we go to the cinema at the weekend?' or 'let's go bowling' or anything else that I would actually enjoy. It's like she has no effing idea who I am. And that hurts.

Yeah, I'm pretty down atm. Trapped in a situation, worried about the future.
24 days until I see my T.

[Unrigged64072835]

Seeing both T and Pdoc on Friday. Have lots to tell Pdoc--she doesn't know about Dad's cancer diagnosis, though she was right about the sleep study. T and I are still in the "getting to know you" stage, which is kind of frustrating since I've been through it enough times already, but I must.be.patient...