[lastyearisblank]

Weirdly proud today of being here, I am not sure therapy is for the faint hearted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kaliope]

Happy Birthday Elliemay!

Saw T today. Got our misunderstanding from last session cleared up. Made a list of all the things that have changed since I began therapy. This included that I am no longer suicidal, but i had added that I still want to die. So he brought this up later in the session, near the end. It brought back all those feelings for me, then session was over without me being able to deal with them. So here I sit with my feelings of wanting to be dead, not suicidal, just not wanting to be here.

[WePow]

((((Trigger for CSA item - no details though))))

Wow. Well, been having my dissociation acting up the past few days. And I am still sober. My addiction was masking the pain I needed to face from a seriously horrid experience at 6 yrs old. Last night I had flashbacks and that part of me trapped in that time was crying big time and hiding under all the blankets. So I wrote my T about it and went into work, but it was still far too much anguish. Far too much.

I wish a thousand deaths on anyone who harms a child!!!!

I broke at work but no one else was in yet, so I called my boss and took a personal day. I called my T next and he came in an hour early to his office just to see me. He is such a wonderful T.

He said his heart broke when he heard me on the phone. My 6 yr old alter part that contained that trauma was bawling and trying to run away. ((After the event, my mom not only punished me for "hurting myself" - even though she didn't know what had occured since my life was threatened by the two teen boys, but she scolded me for what my T called "self comfort attempts" and then told me that no one would ever love me if I "let" a boy "do that" to me. WTF !!!! ?????

Anyway, the anguish was beyond words, but my T was there for me.
He helped me to stabalize and I see him again in 2 days. So I will be ok.
But boy did I need him today.

He also "super charged" my Hope stone for me - It is a thing we do sometimes at the end of sessions with his stone he gave me. He put into it safe hugs and even safe kisses for that hurt little girl part of me. He told that little part that I was very much not a bad girl at all but a good girl and that people did love me very much. Then he held it in my hand for a bit and just connected with me. It was hard for that part of me to accept the tenderness. That part needed mom to hug me and protect me when I came home that horrid afternoon, not to make me the villian. So that part of me is terrified of hugs and just wants to run away. So this was very needed for him to be that for me and show me how to be that for myself inside.

Wow. That was all at 9AM and it is now 3PM and I am still crying and working through all this. T told me he was proud of me for staying sober and letting my emotions be with me even when they were this hard.

[sunrise]

I am very happy because I just found out I am doing much better in my pharmacology class than I had thought. Maybe I will pass after all!

[crazycanbegood]

exam was total failure total total failure

I am so glad that I had a much better day. I even went for a drive to the tanning bed. No problems driving at all. Still sore and have trouble taking deep breaths, but I am told this is common after having anesthesia.

Looking forward to my session tomorrow. I think this one will be quite casual and just spending time talking about my summer and going back to work next week. I am so glad that I am in such a good place in therapy. I am going to cherish every minute of it because I know that in therapy things can go from good to bad in no time.

Thanks for always listening and being supportive of me along my journey to healing. Had I not found PC, I don't think I would have lasted this long in therapy.

[kaliope]

great job Wepow! i am proud of you too for being able to go through this pain and being able to stay sober. parents are so ignorant in what they say to children, so damaging. my mom was like that as well. i still carry her sick tapes in my head. hang in there, you are doing great.

i had T appt yesterday. i listed all my symptoms from when i first started therapy, before meds. it took the whole page. i thought i was normal for a crazy person but now i have had 24 hours to think about T's reaction, "this is a long list!" and im thinking maybe i am not so normal after all. i think i will post a thread about it to get others thoughts. just dont know where to post it. under bipolar or ptsd.

i guess i just have to take comfort in the fact that i do not have all these symptoms now.

hope everybody is having a good day.

[dismantle.repair]

Trained earlier today. Not feeling as heartbroken as before... =\
Still a little miserable, but I'm gonna study and watch tv tonight...

good day, antidepressants are working. hate them, hate taking them, hate paying $2.00 a day to be happy. hate everything about them except the fact that they work.

tiny bit of anxiety from what??? i do not know...

[WePow]

Well, I made it through work today. Tough day at first. The events yesterday left me feeling like I had been hit by a semi about twenty times. I almost fell down the stairs because I was so weak physically. But I knew that I needed to just get back into my grove and practice what my T gave me yesterday to use with that alter who carried this memory.

I get to see my T tommorow so that made it easier also. Knowing he is here makes it safe for me to heal.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

exam was total failure total total failure

Oh no, I'm so sorry.

I had my session today. It was okay, but not fabulous. I am not feeling well again. I thought I was on the upswing, but now I back to feeling sick. I guess this is to be expected after surgery.

[kaliope]

Holding on. Having all kinds of bizarre high stress cases at work. Its like they are gravitating toward me all of a sudden. Did get a mom her kid back so that felt really good, but god this is getting exhausting. Still stressing about getting a new pdoc on the 15th. Its getting closer.

[nicoleb2]

Tough day today after my session with T. I was having really bad SI urges while there, and told her about it. I feel like I am letting myself and my T down

[WePow]

Saw T again today. It was a very light session. We needed that after the session Tuesday. He did make a comment again though about reparenting my inner parts. That is what I have been trying to do. Of course I inturpret that as "Ok I was there for you, but you have to be there for yourself." So now I can't even look at myself in the mirror - avoiding my own eye contact. I wish I could write him an email about it but I know he would only skim it and not read it. So whatever. I understand where he is comming from and I do want that for myself. I think sometimes Ts push us away after we are close to them. IDK. All I know is my inner alter teen has got this all down to a cycle now so never trusts when we do get close to T. Two steps forward and one step back.

Originally Posted by WePow

I think sometimes Ts push us away after we are close to them. IDK. All I know is my inner alter teen has got this all down to a cycle now so never trusts when we do get close to T. Two steps forward and one step back.

((((((wepow))))))

After literally YEARS of feeling like T pulled away when things got too intimate, I finally, FINALLY saw that it was *me* doing it, not him. It FELT so much like it was him, I couldn't imagine it was me...but I really think it was.

I have to be REALLY conscious and aware now to not do it. It's getting easier, because T has "proven" to me so many times that he does care, and that he is there, and that our relationship only gets deeper as we work together. But I had to experience that over and over and over and OVER again before I could trust it.

Hold onto your Hope stone. That's where the truth is

[Indie'sOK]

T email = Tmail?

I am not having a good day. I feel like I am spiraling downward again. What is up with that?

[nicoleb2]

15 minutes into the day and I want to give up.

Session with T yesterday sucked. She wants me to accept that I have a lot of memory loss from ECT, I don't know how to accept it..

I want to SI in the worst kind of way right now

This morning is good. I am actually cooking something for lunch. Nothing big deal "Tator Tot Casserole". Ain't that fancy? NOT! Well, I am not a cook and this is about as good as it gets around here.

I am just glad that I feel up to doing it. I hope that my crazy thoughts from last night have dissipated and that I won't think about therapy too much. Thinking is okay, but I tend to 'over think/analyze' it too much. That is where I get myself into knots!

[nicoleb2]

Tough day again... Going camping this weekend, there's going to be 10 of us there, and I don't want to go... I want to stay home in bed instead

[ladyjrnlist]

Still depressed. Hoping new T next week can help.

[kaliope]

feeling caught up in the past. my son is really depressed and sought T. he doesnt know that i know. but i am thinking of the life i provided him. or more that i wasnt able to provide due to my mental illness. this coupled with what T and i talked about earlier this week makes me see just how very ill i was. i know i should be focusing on hte "was" but i just cant help being lost in the how sick part. i wass sososososososo ill. it makes me want to cry. externally its been a rough week at work too. lots of stressors. im exhausted.

[confused and dazed]

Sigh... T went on vacation for the next two week..... feeling sorry for myself.

[WePow]

Hard day... tons of anger. Lost inside. oh well.