[kaliope]

well i finally met with my new pdoc today only to find out he will only be with the clinic for about 3 months so i will have another new pdoc soon to stress about. he was a very nice pdoc who spent an hour with me instead of the scheduled half. he says my anxiety has spiraled out of control and prescribed a new med for it. he talked with me about a lot of different things made me set a goal to do something out of my comfort zone every day. made me cry a few times. dissociate some. but he was very caring and told me i was doing very well and said he was going to write a letter to the clinic director that the lack of continuity in my care was negatively impacting my ability to get better. i could really like him as a pdoc. i wish he was staying.

I am worn out. It seems like things are piling up on me at work. So much responsibility and too many deadlines. I need to be very careful not to let this overwhelm me. I know what can happen if I do.

I have to keep a positive attitude. I know that I can do this. I KNOW that I can do this. Yes, I CAN do this!! I WILL do this and I WILL do a good job!

[SilentLucidity]

Today was the first really good day I've had in a month. I love being in my classroom just me and my kids. I am way behind in all the other paperwork things I have to do, but that's okay because this year is about me having a LIFE not living for a job.

Shout out to granite1 - I believe your count is at three days until your hubby comes home. You're over halfway there - how exciting!

[FourRedheads]

Road trip with my parents and the kids today to the zoo. The drive was scary for me. Heavy interstate traffic, lots of big trucks. I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything. Trying to calm down and relax this evening after the drive.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I am worn out. It seems like things are piling up on me at work. So much responsibility and too many deadlines. I need to be very careful not to let this overwhelm me. I know what can happen if I do.

I have to keep a positive attitude. I know that I can do this. I KNOW that I can do this. Yes, I CAN do this!! I WILL do this and I will do a good job!

I am so in the exact same place. I am exhausted. They just keep piling on task after task and all I want to do is work on my own class. Administrators forget so quickly what it is like to be in the classroom. I find myself getting frustrated and angry. What would T tell me . . . what would T tell me . . .

Went to my friend's funeral this morning. Sat in a row with my 12 step home group (which my friend was in). It's a small group, and feels very VERY much like a family. So, I felt surrounded by love...

I will miss him a lot I loved him. And every time he saw me he would tell me that I was "cute as a button" and tell me "god loves you and so do I". So sweet.

Sigh.

[laceylu]

Had a great session with T yesterday. I told her first thing that I did not want to be afraid of her anymore. And it went well. I shared some really hard stuff and we went over and I was surprised. She said it was ok for me to develop feelings for her and that she has safe boundaries. I have less fear and a little more trust now. Then LOL, my friends T called and wants to talk to me about something my friend is having trouble with. Well my fear and panic of T's returned quickly and I was not able to return the phone call. My friend will never know how afraid I am to call her T!!!!!

[Visioneer]

Told Pdoc/T about the bad weekend with parents/brother, and what has happened to my mental state since. Led to looooong talk about parents/childhood, and why what they do now hurts so much even though I'm a GROWN UP!!! and don't really have to deal with it. She says it still needs to be hashed out, not with them, but with ME, and we'll work on it, But because I'm single now, I can work on me and get back to my own issues instead of someone else's, and she thinks this is a good thing right now. Today's session was rough, cried, took a while to calm down, but doing ok.

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Went to my friend's funeral this morning. Sat in a row with my 12 step home group (which my friend was in). It's a small group, and feels very VERY much like a family. So, I felt surrounded by love...

I will miss him a lot I loved him. And every time he saw me he would tell me that I was "cute as a button" and tell me "god loves you and so do I". So sweet.

Sigh.

My condolences for your loss...

[learning1]

A better day today than difficult t day yesterday. Some feelings of t hates me, or should, keep popping up but I still almost always can stop the feeling and remember that's probably me projecting, not him really hating me. This icky paying attention to depression in therapy is probably not as bad (yet) as feeling it when it's bad irl.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Went to my friend's funeral this morning. Sat in a row with my 12 step home group (which my friend was in). It's a small group, and feels very VERY much like a family. So, I felt surrounded by love...

I will miss him a lot I loved him. And every time he saw me he would tell me that I was "cute as a button" and tell me "god loves you and so do I". So sweet.

Sigh.

that's sad, sorry Tree. Nice memories

It's been a rough day. Got hurt and nearly went to the hospital. Was freaking OUT. T and ET were there for me today. It makes me feel all wrapped up warm in a wonderful hug from them both.

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Went to my friend's funeral this morning. Sat in a row with my 12 step home group (which my friend was in). It's a small group, and feels very VERY much like a family. So, I felt surrounded by love...

I will miss him a lot I loved him. And every time he saw me he would tell me that I was "cute as a button" and tell me "god loves you and so do I". So sweet.

Sigh.

So sorry for your loss .

[vaffla]

Had a really good day . I was happy to receive good news, but what really made my day was the phone call from T. I love her so much that I'm almost bursting... Of course that comes with an anxiety over losing her somehow (god forbid) or losing our connection. But I am trying to focus on the positive only!

I just want to tell all of you on PC how much I enjoy that you are posting so much real life on this thread. I think it helps us understand each other so much better. Keep posting!

[FourRedheads]

Today has been better. I've calmed down from yesterday's trip. Younger kids are with their dad right now, and that is very distressing (safety concerns) but I'm trying not to focus on that. They'll be home in a couple of hours.

The world continues to feel like a big, scary place. Fear seems to be the one emotion I can identify. I'm trying to practice good self-care. Eating when I'm hungry, going to bed on time, etc. Taking care of myself. That's where I'm at right now.

[kaliope]

so pdoc made me set goal of walking around building at work every day which i have done for two days now. i am supposed to come up with goal for weekend. i think i will vacuume. it may not sound like much but he said i needed to gain control of my life back and since i fear the damn machine so much i think that is a good weekend goal. i have only done my carpets three times since i moved in in january. lucky it is just me and no animals so the carpets really dont get messy. i still have to come up with one more goal. maybe take my trash out myself. it requires leaving my apartment which i dont like to do. i usually wait till my son shows up and make him take it out.

i am going to a training on suicide prevention next week. last time i went to one i really flipped out. i discussed with T today and he was really interested in going to it as well. wouldnt that be nice to have T at the training as well. it would definately make me feel better knowing he was there in case i did get to feeling like i was going off the deep end. we could sit at the same table. that would be fun huh?

[Rose76]

I'm not rolling along as nice as I was for those 3 weeks, but I am telling myself that it doesn't mean I have to go to the other extreme and become hideously depressed again. I try to keep doing little useful things to avoid going back into a stupor again. I just went to the pharmacy and then did a few loads of laundry. If I can do another useful thing that I put some time into, then I might keep from falling off the cliff. At least I'm trying harder than I was to stay well, or not get too unwell.

[WePow]

Woke up with lower back spasms and some other pain. Went to work but had to go to doc. Have a slight kidney infection so i am on bed rest and medication next three days. fun fun..

[sunrise]

Youngest daughter left on a camping trip with Dad today. Oldest daughter is visiting a friend out of state. It's just me! I am on my break right now and I got a lot of stuff done today--took car to get the oil changed, made a shopping trip to Costco, cleaned the barbecue of all the piled up ashes, etc. I made myself a chart of the many things I would like to get accomplished over break, many of them chores around the house and errands. I am trying to do more outdoor manual labor chores to help myself get more exercise. I hope the chart will help keep me on track.

[delicatefade26]

Today was soo busy at work (retail) and people were really cranky-I almost went off on a customer-but besides that I was in a good mood most of the day...my body hurt a little but my emotions were in check! I got an email from my T today asking if I could move my appointment up in time-and even though it was just that-I like getting emails from him!! I'm excited to have the weekend to do whatever I want!!

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by WePow

Woke up with lower back spasms and some other pain. Went to work but had to go to doc. Have a slight kidney infection so i am on bed rest and medication next three days. fun fun..

Feel better WePow

The stresses of work are getting to me. After being off for 8 weeks in the summer, I am not used to all this!! It takes a bit to get back in the groove!

[nicoleb2]

I went for a girls night out tonight with a friend. I was having fun, but at the same time not... Kinda wierd

I am having some really bad urges to cut right now, I just want to say screw it and get it over with.

I'd like to say I hope tomorrow is better, but I really don't have any hope anymore.

[SilentLucidity]

Today wasn't too bad, but I am staring into three weeks of specifically timed medical appointments that I am not looking forward to at all. I don't care for doctors and have such anxiety whenever I have an appointment. The mere thought of even calling to make the appointments is enough to make me break down. I am not looking forward to coping with the depression, work (which can be depressing), anxiety, and all these tests.