[cin1]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

I have NO KIDS. NONE. My folks took them camping. I'll drive up tomorrow and spend the day and then come back home. Alone. With no kids. They all come home on Friday.

I don't know what to do with myself. Sitting here, eating chips & dip just because I can and I don't have to share with anyone. I really should do laundry and clean the house, but...eh.

Maybe I'll go to my favorite library and spend a couple of hours lost in the stacks. Tonight I might take the dogs to the walking trail at the park.

chips and dip sound good. so does the library.

[SilentLucidity]

Exhausted from living in my head. What's so bad about showing emotion other than happiness? I am turning it on and off like a switch at this point, but I think intuitive people are beginning to see that I am painfully unhappy at this point. I see T getting a long email this week or tell all letter at the start of next week's session.

[nicoleb2]

I saw my new pdoc today! It went GREAT. I have HOPE!!!

He specializes in sleep and told me that there are still many options I have not tried for sleep, and many for my depression as well.

I am starting on a new med tonight that should help with sleep.

Also, he thinks I may have restless legs, without having the physical symptoms all the time.

This is so awesome. I finally feel like I might not be a lost cause

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I saw my new pdoc today! It went GREAT. I have HOPE!!!

He specializes in sleep and told me that there are still many options I have not tried for sleep, and many for my depression as well.

I am starting on a new med tonight that should help with sleep.

Also, he thinks I may have restless legs, without having the physical symptoms all the time.

This is so awesome. I finally feel like I might not be a lost cause

I am so happy for you!

[Rose76]

nicoleb2: Well that is just super great. You are certainly not a lost cause. It sure can seem that way when you don't get appropriate help. You and the new pdoc may have to experiment awhile to see what is going to be best for you. Just be patient, but give pdoc lots of feedback.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by SilentLucidity

What's so bad about showing emotion other than happiness?

Some people, including some mental health "professionals", do not like to deal with unhappiness or other "negative" emotions. But if you can't show the truth, what use is that?

[nicoleb2]

From the high of yesterday, back down to feeling like crap.
All I want to do today is go back to bed and cry and not get up again

[cin1]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

From the high of yesterday, back down to feeling like crap.
All I want to do today is go back to bed and cry and not get up again

i was told years ago when i broke that if i stayed in bed, i would not be able to get up. i am glad i did. "I was down , but then i got up"{ cin1

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by cin1

i was told years ago when i broke that if i stayed in bed, i would not be able to get up. i am glad i did. "I was down , but then i got up"{ cin1

I have to get up because I have to take care of my kids. I am just so, so tired of this rollercoaster. I was totally good yesterday, and so far from good today

[cin1]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I have to get up because I have to take care of my kids. I am just so, so tired of this rollercoaster. I was totally good yesterday, and so far from good today

if the meds aren't right for me, or my lithium level off, i can be way down or way up, most often down. it was nice to feel good every day, but now life isn't like that at all. i try to make the most of each moment, although i have angry times. i gave my new born daughter up for adoption because i didn't think she would have a healthy home with me, and others Really didn't think so. she is grown. how old are your children? how many do you have? take good care, of yourself and those children. cin1

[cin1]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Yesterday was one of the worst days emotionally that I have had in months. It seemed I was back in childhood and could not find my way out. I found myself, among other things, being very, very angry, and could not understand why that was. I imagined myself talking to a therapist and trying to say what was going on. Finally the T said to me that maybe I had a lot of legitimate things to be angry about. I told the imaginary T that that was the first time in a long time that anyone had validated my experiences, instead of arguing and disputing everything I said. That helped me calm down somewhat, though I find I still have a lot of anger this morning. I have felt that I have no one to talk things over with, no one that I can tell "bad" things to safely.

Oh yes, we had the earthquake yesterday. We don't have earthquakes!

i guess you do have earthquakes now! was it frightening? i don't feel i can tell bad things to anyone either. and they are not slight things, they are horrible. i try not to think about those. i was really ill when i did some of that stuff. the thing with my anger is about ,( i think) what someone else is doing. no matter how angry i get, it isn't going to change any thing. so i think i am wasting my time, my self and being miserable for something i can not change. if i had the courage and means to leave, i would, but i don't. cin1

[cin1]

voices - i am bi-polar now but i had schizophrenia years ago and this last breakdown i had a mix of both. i am doing ok., but when the cooler is running in house, i hear voices, female, male, and they seem to be talking. can't make out the words. it really bothers me and i try not to listen. i try to go do something else. any one else have something like this? thanks, cin1

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by cin1

i guess you do have earthquakes now! was it frightening?

It happened too quickly for me to become frightened. News says there have been a number of (smaller) aftershocks since the first one, but I have felt none of those.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I have to get up because I have to take care of my kids. I am just so, so tired of this rollercoaster. I was totally good yesterday, and so far from good today

I'm sorry. That sounds very frustrating.

[SilentLucidity]

One more med test tomorrow then I should be done for a while. Tired. Thankful for people on PC and the support, humor, and insight.

[FourRedheads]

Doing okay. A bit frustrated and out of sorts. But okay. Not sure if therapy is a good idea. Not sure if the T I am seeing is a good fit. Somehow I think that's my fault. Blah.

[nicoleb2]

My kids are 6 and 9 (well, in about 3.5 weeks).

I managed to function for them today. I still want to just go to bed and stay there. I si'd again earlier. Couldn't stand the emotions and thoughts i was having... had to make them go away

[kaliope]

Cin1-I had voices, sort of. it was like they were all me, but separate from me. I am bipolar as well as ptsd. but crammed in my head all these voices talking at once, taking me down like five different tracks. driving me mad. some were ok, handling day to day tasks, telling me what i needed to do, but others were harmful, telling me to hurt myself, telling me that i was worthless and i deserved to die. telling me what a bad person i was, fighting with me. arguing constantly. when i got on haldol for the bipolar, the voices thankfully went away. it is quiet in there now and i am very thankful for that.

things are going well for me. busy at work, being creative making storyboards for my programs for a fundraiser we have coming up in a couple weeks. got mine done and they came out so well that other people are asking me to make theirs for their programs. finished one today and now i have to make one for another program tomorrow. its nice people appreciate my talent and seek me out for help i guess.

[delicatefade26]

This week has been extremely hectic...I'm exhausted beyond belief and I had a weird/rough session with T-emailed him about what bothered me about the session and said I wanted a few weeks off...but now my head is spinning wondering what he is going to say about all this...I don't have time or the energy to do T on top of everything else right now..I need a break!! I feel like I hate my T tonight-he is soo freaking annoying and I just don't think I want to see him anymore for a long time

[Kacey2]

Today my t hugged me for the first time ever in three years and it felt so good. I asked him for a hug yesterday on the phone and he gave me one at the end of my session. I have been beyond depressed and it really felt awesome. He walked me out to the waiting room with his arm around me as I was crying and told me to go home and take a shower and put some makeup on. Yah things have been rough.

[Rose76]

I am doubting my ability to become employed. Because I am a nurse, having a job used to be pretty much guaranteed, as long as I was mentally fit to work. I have not worked in 16 months and went through what savings I had. I have been getting real relief from major depression since mid-July. With a laundry list of depressive symptoms no longer bothering me, I have been looking at jobs and have applied a few places. Suddenly, I feel that recovering from depression isn't going to be good enough. I just don't believe anyone is going to hire me. I feel like there is just something wrong with me that will keep me rejected. I think I don't want to borrow money from family if I'm never going to pay it back. That is how I feel. That I won't ever be hired again. I am becoming seriously distressed to have this much fear. If lots of mentally healthy people are out of work, what is the chance I'm going to succeed. I don't think there is anything the pdoc or anyone else can do for me. I'm afraid of going into despair.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Suddenly, I feel that recovering from depression isn't going to be good enough. I just don't believe anyone is going to hire me. I feel like there is just something wrong with me that will keep me rejected. I think I don't want to borrow money from family if I'm never going to pay it back. That is how I feel. That I won't ever be hired again.

Lots of "anticipatory thinking" here.

If lots of mentally healthy people are out of work, what is the chance I'm going to succeed.

They aren't nurses...

[cin1]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Cin1-I had voices, sort of. it was like they were all me, but separate from me. I am bipolar as well as ptsd. but crammed in my head all these voices talking at once, taking me down like five different tracks. driving me mad. some were ok, handling day to day tasks, telling me what i needed to do, but others were harmful, telling me to hurt myself, telling me that i was worthless and i deserved to die. telling me what a bad person i was, fighting with me. arguing constantly. when i got on haldol for the bipolar, the voices thankfully went away. it is quiet in there now and i am very thankful for that.

things are going well for me. busy at work, being creative making storyboards for my programs for a fundraiser we have coming up in a couple weeks. got mine done and they came out so well that other people are asking me to make theirs for their programs. finished one today and now i have to make one for another program tomorrow. its nice people appreciate my talent and seek me out for help i guess.

what i hear sounds so real, like conversations but i can't quite make out the words. it doesn't seem like it is in my head. i am trying not to pay attention to it. thanks for telling me what you have dealt with. that is great about the storyboards. cin1

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am doubting my ability to become employed. Because I am a nurse, having a job used to be pretty much guaranteed, as long as I was mentally fit to work. I have not worked in 16 months and went through what savings I had. I have been getting real relief from major depression since mid-July. With a laundry list of depressive symptoms no longer bothering me, I have been looking at jobs and have applied a few places. Suddenly, I feel that recovering from depression isn't going to be good enough. I just don't believe anyone is going to hire me. I feel like there is just something wrong with me that will keep me rejected. I think I don't want to borrow money from family if I'm never going to pay it back. That is how I feel. That I won't ever be hired again. I am becoming seriously distressed to have this much fear. If lots of mentally healthy people are out of work, what is the chance I'm going to succeed. I don't think there is anything the pdoc or anyone else can do for me. I'm afraid of going into despair.

you have the education and training for a job. that is a big plus. i don't have enough education, i have never held a job, plus my mental history, people go out of their way to avoid me. i am hoping for you, hoping for a bright spot in your day. cin1

[cin1]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Doing okay. A bit frustrated and out of sorts. But okay. Not sure if therapy is a good idea. Not sure if the T I am seeing is a good fit. Somehow I think that's my fault. Blah.

i hate to be out of sorts, it is frustrating. cin1