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#751
Sep 02, 2011, 09:28 AM
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#753
Sep 02, 2011, 11:23 AM
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#754
Sep 02, 2011, 05:13 PM
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came to work an hour late yet the day still seems to drag on. a bunch of us "flash mobbed" a coworker recently diagnosed with cancer in the hospital. we stood outside her door and held up signs with well wishes and sang her a song. she is going thru chemo and we cant go in her room. it was uplifting and sad at the same time. it was our boss' idea. think she needed it more than anything. she is really having a tough time coping with the whole ordeal.
i am going to meet a boy this weekend. we are having coffee. i havent been in a relationship for nine years. only two friends know i am doing this and they are so excited for me. i am not as anxious as i think i would be. at least not yet. its sunday. i have no idea what to talk about. he doesnt know i am a nut job yet. i have mentioned on several occasions my anxiety but that is it. i feel like i am not being honest by not mentioning my more severe mental health issues although i am stable. i have hinted, like saying how my past had really messed me up, commented another time about how when life gets to be too much for me, you know, sending up little red flags that he never commented on. well back to work i must get. hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. |
 SilentLucidity
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#756
Sep 02, 2011, 09:00 PM
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I feel myself slipping away again...down into that oh-so-familiar darkness and I feel very alone in it this time...I feel like my T is too busy and that I annoy him so much and he just can't be there for me like I want him to be and my friend is upsetting me b/c she isn't being very supportive with all my obsessive talk about things (which I understand I'm a pain in the butt) it still hurts though...
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"Wake me up...when September ends" 
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#757
Sep 02, 2011, 09:10 PM
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| pachyderm
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#758
Sep 03, 2011, 12:43 AM
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Today was very eventful to say the least. I had to leave my job (school) twice to come home and re-position my husband in his chair so that he wouldn't fall out on the floor! Thank goodness I only work 3 miles from my home.
On a good note, I got some very high compliments from my assistant principal. She has visited my class 3 times since school began. She even asked me if I minded if a few teachers came to observe me. This was a good thing. It means that she likes my teaching style and classroom managment.
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#759
Sep 03, 2011, 06:59 AM
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#760
Sep 03, 2011, 05:07 PM
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just really frustrated with my sister at the moment. she mails me stuff. lots of stuff. she is a shopaholic and i benefit from her illness. so i know i shouldnt be griping. but sometimes she is mailing family business stuff i need that is time sensitive. like now she is overnighting some paperwork and with the holiday it is really messing some stuff up. she couldnt get to the postoffice so she used a priority mail service which is going to require my signature and she mailed it to my house. we have had this conversation a milllion times. if it requires my signature, it needs to be mailed to my work because i am not home during the day to get packages. why would that be so hard to remember.
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#761
Sep 03, 2011, 05:42 PM
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#763
Sep 03, 2011, 07:59 PM
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#764
Sep 03, 2011, 08:11 PM
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I've been thinking a lot about therapy and what that means for me. What I want from therapy. I'm struggling with trust right now. I want to open up to T because I want to feel better and work through some of this crap, but I'm afraid that I'll be hurt. So far it's been relatively superficial. Talking about daily stuff. I want to go deeper but I'm afraid.
I have a friend who is the opposite of me. She says what she thinks. She's assertive and outspoken. She's not afraid to voice her opinion. I think she's wonderful. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be her. To just say what I really think. If I were brave, I would pretend to be her when I'm with T. Just to see what it's like. |
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#766
Sep 03, 2011, 08:33 PM
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Today was mostly spent on rest that I desperately needed! Then I felt so rested that I decided to do some cleaning. Not normal cleaning, but the get into the drawers, shelves, and garage cleaning. Now I am exhausted!
Good thing I am off on Monday. I can use that day to get rested up again for another busy week of teaching. |
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#767
Sep 03, 2011, 09:03 PM
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| FourRedheads
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#768
Sep 03, 2011, 09:34 PM
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I had a pretty good day because I have kept busy and said, "Okay what do I have to have handy while doing a job search. So I'm organizing paperwork into files. I'm making lists of potential employers to check out. I'm eating and sleeping when I should. I started riding my bike again. I try to run just out of reach of the monster anxiety that runs out and starts chasing me at times. That is a big challenge. I am afraid of that monster, but I tell myself to pay attention to what I have to get accomplished. I greatly appreciate posters above who offered encouragement.
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#769
Sep 03, 2011, 10:55 PM
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Spent the day composing a tell all letter to T I am currently at 6 pages and counting. I hope I have the courage to actually read it Tuesday. I am feeling accomplished for at least putting my thoughts and feelings on paper. If nothing else it is a step forward.
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#770
Sep 04, 2011, 06:53 AM
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| Rose76
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#771
Sep 04, 2011, 06:56 AM
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#772
Sep 04, 2011, 04:13 PM
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well the boy cancelled our coffee date claiming he had to help his mother who has MS. i am somewht relieved by this, but it seems to have wasted all my efforts at overcoming a lot of anxiety to get this far. now i am just wishing it will all go away. although i never envisioned spending the rest of my life alone, just the idea of having a guy in my life so complicates things. i have gone from having coffee with this guy to thinking if it works out, does this mean i will have to share my bed, will i have to go to bed earlier? listen to a tv while i am trying to go to sleep? share a remote? watch what i dont want to watch on tv? not be able to rock myself to sleep? will i have to cook for someone again? do someones laundry? share my sink? i dont want to give myself up. i have a routine. it doesnt have room for another person in it, so why am i even considering going out to coffee with someone. am i being irrational??
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#773
Sep 04, 2011, 05:50 PM
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#774
Sep 04, 2011, 05:56 PM
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| kaliope
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#775
Sep 04, 2011, 06:30 PM
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I'm going to ramble here because I need to get this out. I'm sure this won't make any sense.
 Had that scary, scary feeling again last night. Have felt it only a few times before. I was by myself, watching TV, and suddenly nothing felt real. I don't know how to describe it. It was very scary. The only way I know how to describe the feeling is like I was under a big balloon that was inflating and I couldn't get to the top and breathe. Like I was suffocating.  I didn't feel like I was myself. It lasted for probably less than 5 minutes.Today my feelings were hurt. A friend's husband told me to "be quiet and not so loud." I guess I wasn't supposed to talk right then or about that subject. I feel silenced. All my life I have felt silenced. How dare he. HOW DARE HE. I think I'm coming apart. It's all fragile. The pieces are coming apart and I don't know how to put them back together. |
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