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#1026
Sep 19, 2011, 09:19 PM
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good news rose, i hope it gets to last for you!
i talked to old T today and asked advice on how to handle pdoc messing with my meds. he went ballistic over idea that pdoc would think of changing things when i am stable. this T was with me thru my breakdown and med trials and hospitalizations trying to get stable. i found it very touching the things he said defending me. he told me to sign a release and to have pdoc call him so he could tell pdoc the hell i have been thru getting to where i am today. my current T just told me "good luck dealing with pdoc". i feel like i have a white knight to champion me. its too bad pdoc will never call him. but he did give me good advice on how to talk to pdoc. but it was nice to know old T still cares. |
 Rose76
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#1028
Sep 20, 2011, 06:48 AM
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I feel absolutely horrible...I'm beyond exhausted, my stomach hurts, it's raining out, and I have a 13 hour day ahead of me...and I had such an emotionally draining session last night-I just don't even want to deal right now...I feel myself slipping again...it's just all too much
__________________
"Wake me up...when September ends" 
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#1029
Sep 20, 2011, 09:11 AM
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Woke up pretty early but without the will to get out of bed. May or may not be going riding later. May or may not be getting my car back. In the meantime, why is any communication with mother always so d*** negative? I just want to pull the covers back over my head, but instead am going to attempt to make myself presentable for the world outside my bedroom door.
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#1031
Sep 20, 2011, 05:05 PM
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((delicatefade)))
Rose - I hope you get the job. Kaliope - Glad to hear that your old T cares so much. And is trying to advocate for you. Work has been understanding about my knee. It's a real pain being the one closest to the door at work. I'm the one that normally ends up going to see who is at the front desk. A major pain at the moment, since I move about as fast as a snail! The pain med seems to be holding the excruciating pain at bay, but not all of it. At work I can only use one crutch b/c I need my other hand to be able to carry things. I know that's a "no-no," but I don't have much of a choice. Feeling real inadequate at home. Can't seem to help with much. I did manage to get the dishes done. Can't put them away, but did get them washed. Talk to one of the co-leaders for my DBT group and she's going to send me the papers they went over on Monday, so I can get caught up on what I missed. |
| delicatefade26
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#1032
Sep 20, 2011, 05:37 PM
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It's been 3 months since I logged in, which is about the time my therapist started to enforce 2x/month vs weekly sessions. We actually only managed 1 appt in July, 2 in August and we'll have 1 this month. Not enough.
I'm grieving the sudden death of my cool aunt. I take comfort in the fact that she had told several folks how she felt "sinfully happy". I wonder what it would take for me to be sinfully happy 
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#1033
Sep 20, 2011, 05:53 PM
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welcome back black canary
sinfully happy? i would be happy to know just regular happy. i am going down hill. i got out of the shower last night and just sat on the side of the tub and cried. i havent done that for a long time. it was hard to get out of bed this morning and face the day. living has become a challenge. i am so busy at work, no down time. no time to breathe. all my free time is consumed with obsessing over the fricking changings pdoc is enacting, either the homework hes assigned, dealing with the anxiety of this, or the anxiety of him changing my meds that have worked so long for me. i feel like my world is closing in on me. im getting depressed, overwhelmed, withdrawn. i feel like i could cry at a moments notice. like i should go buy duct tape to keep me together. its not even four and i have to work till 730 tonight. i have been working nonstop today. i just want a break. |
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#1034
Sep 20, 2011, 06:50 PM
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Haven't posted much here as I don't know what to say. I'm hurting.
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#1035
Sep 20, 2011, 06:54 PM
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Just sending a note to all through this post. Don't feel like making my own. Had session today. It was a strong session... very deep. I was crying even before I got into session thanks to some work junk and other stuff all being together at once.
Hate making such a mess of myself in session, but I am an open book with my T. I am still not in a good place... but I am ok with that. Going to see T made me able to get through the evening without any of my addiction behaviors. Just exhausted and I still have five days of work infront of me. Then one day off and four work days. Then two days off and five work days. Sorry, my mind being ticked still at this cycle of things. Wish I had the courage to change what I despise. But that is why I am in therapy - har har har.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| FourRedheads, PleaseHelp, rainbow_rose
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#1036
Sep 20, 2011, 07:25 PM
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FourRedheads, Keep checking in, even just to say how you are. I'm sorry that you are hurting. I hope something goes well for you to cheer you.
I can't complain, at the moment. I polished up a resume to take with me tomorrow to the potential employer. This time, I tell myself to not get over relying on success. Maybe I have to go to 15 employers to find a spot. Many have had to try harder than that, and they stick with it. I have to be willing to put in more effort. |
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#1037
Sep 20, 2011, 07:33 PM
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{{{{WePow}}}}
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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#1038
Sep 20, 2011, 08:41 PM
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Rose76, thank you. You have no idea how much your words mean. I love this place!
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#1039
Sep 20, 2011, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
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#1040
Sep 20, 2011, 09:09 PM
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i saw a nurse yesterday, and also a therapist. the nurse prescribed a med for me, hopefully to help with anger issues. i took a half to begin with, but when i woke up at around 2 am, my head felt stuffed, and when i tried to talk, my words were slurred. i was upset, going through the med (guinea pig) thing again. she wanted to see me this Thursday but i cancelled. Perhaps too soon. i was so mellow, calm today. did not get angry not once. so, the med may be ok. i will see how i feel tomorrow.
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#1042
Sep 21, 2011, 12:42 AM
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I'm just here to say...well, to say I'm here I guess. Really, really rough week, and looking forward to seeing T tomorrow. That 50 mins of feeling safe is like a shelter from the storm.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
| FourRedheads, rainbow_rose
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#1043
Sep 21, 2011, 02:05 AM
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ive walked for about 12 hours in the last 3 days, I have bad ankles (born with club feet) so ill lose my ability to walk in the future so might aswell take advantage of the ability now, but their starting to lock up from the last 3 days work, which is not good as im meant to be going to london on monday, but gonna rest this weekend, luckily majority of my classes at college are on ground floor, or only one flight of stairs.
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#1044
Sep 21, 2011, 07:36 AM
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Not great really - so hoiping tomorrow is better.
__________________
Soup |
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#1045
Sep 21, 2011, 08:34 AM
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(((((to everyone)))))
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| SoupDragon
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#1046
Sep 21, 2011, 08:36 AM
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Emotionally - I'm fairly stable. Struggling with feeling so dependent b/c of my knee
Physically - I feel like a wreck. I know it'll get better, it has to. But right now it has me feeling pretty down. |
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#1048
Sep 21, 2011, 05:09 PM
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All this week I couldn't wait to see T tomorrow (Thursday). I wanted to be real, let her see the real me, be honest. I was going to ask her if she likes me. That's a huge risk to ask!
Now I want to quit. This week in and week out of rollercoaster emotions is overwhelming. Forget it! I don't want to face this. I don't want to go through this. This is nuts. I'm so close to canceling. Gah. |
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#1050
Sep 21, 2011, 06:45 PM
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I slept until late afternoon, but then I got a txt from a friend, inviting me out for tea with her and another friend (from my former work) who I haven't seen in a while. We had a catch up and a gossip, and they were talking about work... (I've kept wondering about it, whether I did the right thing in quitting - even though deep down I know I did. Sometimes I miss aspects of it, but then I hear stories and I just think 'OMG it's as pathetic as it ever was and nothing changes, I'm better off out of it. I could not put up with the day-to-day BS...') But anyway, it was nice to dress up and go somewhere. Anywhere. The only thing that made me sad was when I got back home and caught a glance of myself in the mirror... I really need to drop some lbs. Sometimes I forget what I look like. I really need to work on myself - exercise, eat right, get healthy physically and mentally. Gonna try and get up earlier tomorrow. Live life a little bit, you know?
(((best wishes to all of you))) |
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