[Wren_]

Sometimes things will come up where my T will say things back that I've said; checking he knows what is going on, clarifying, seeing if I really meant something etc. or he will say something that is teasing. Problem is that while I know at one level that it's my words or thoughts, or that something is said in jest to lighten things when it gets really intense my mind sometimes has a lot of trouble separating that and not thinking that it's what he really thinks, and thinking that the teasing is serious. Then my mind ends up taking those things and using it against me so that I'm tearing myself apart because of something that isn't even real, true or there. As I write this the process sounds like it should have a simple solution (and it also sounds silly); however although I know this happens I'm still not good with untangling it when it's going on. Does anyone else do this? and know how to undo it?

[skysblue]

Oh yeah, absolutely. I know with my rational brain that my T is saying one thing but my emotional brain interprets it as something else. And as we know already emotions are much more powerful than thoughts, the irrational wins.

This is something I plan to address with T tomorrow in session. I will tell her that I can't brush away my emotions about something that happened between her and me even though I know it's not logical. I hope she can give me some concrete tips on how to do that.

So, yes, I do it. I think it would be a good idea to discuss with your T as I will be doing.

[childofyen]

Oh yeah, I do it all the time. I can even turn it around when she tells me she likes me. I'm out of my mind.
In my last session T asked me what TV show triggered me.. I didn't want to tell her that it was HBO's In Therapy because I didn't want to admit how obsessed I was while she was on vacation. Anyway, when she asked me what show I was watching I said "Don't worry about it. It's not relevant." Not five minutes later she used that line on me when I asked her what she thought was causing my symptoms! Friggin hilarious... she was teasing me and mirroring me. At the time I think I just laughed said "Well played.." but after the session I began to obsess about whether or not she was being spiteful. I've decided to assume that she was being playful, but have also noted that perhaps my comment was a little more dismissive than was necessary. I don't know if my T does these things intentionally to provoke thought, but frankly I don't want to ask... I'd rather believe that she's just that crafty.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Sometimes my T will repeat things back to me to check in with me and see if she has understood me. When she teases me, though, it's never about any serious issue I am working on. I would try to talk to your T about the teasing and see what he says.

[lastyearisblank]

Yeah I get like this too, part of me loves joking around but I always wonder if that's what people really mean!! My brain won't shut up!! I suppose therapy is the one place where you really need to say those things out loud for it to work, though. Maybe you could ask if that is what he meant.

[REEG]

Timely post! My T made a comment last week that was helpful at the time "you don't need to make a parade about it unles you want to" and I went down the road of turning it back on me and obessing about it. Familiar problem!

What was new this time was that for whatever reason I was able to say to myself "Hmmm that wasn't the spirit she meant that in. You can take it that way if you want but will it be helpful?" So it can change.. I think the awareness that you are "using T's word against you" is a great start!

[unaluna]

He never teases me, and he always looked so hurt when I teased him, I think he has broken me of this unconscious habit, now that you mention it. Do I use that word (unconscious) wrong?

[lastyearisblank]

P.S. I am totally psyched out right now by that whole comment about my whole, sensitivity holding me back in life comment from T. It is like poison in my brain right now, I don't know how else to describe it. It is really not helping. I should be so excited about going on a second date with a nice guy tomorrow.. really, really nice.. right now my brain is tearing itself to bits trying to figure out how if I am somehow too judgmental, or too quiet, or in fact too sensitive and am somehow going to screw it up.

Add: yes I am very sensitive to abandonment, always want to know what went wrong and if it was my fault, guess that kind of proves T's point.

[sunrise]

My T doesn't tease me at all. It's interesting a number here have said their T teases them. (makes me wonder now why my T doesn't...) I've realized recently that I tease my daughter a lot and also that she doesn't like it. I don't know why I do it so frequently with her. She is just fun to tease! But I'm trying to lay off because I know she doesn't like it. That just makes me wonder, tigergirl, if your T knows you don't react well to his teasing? I don't think it is an essential piece of therapeutic communication. How would it be if he didn't tease you?

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Problem is that while I know at one level that it's my words or thoughts, or that something is said in jest to lighten things when it gets really intense my mind sometimes has a lot of trouble separating that and not thinking that it's what he really thinks, and thinking that the teasing is serious.

It's interesting to me that your T tries to lighten things up by jesting when things get really intense. I wonder why he feels the need to do that? Usually Ts are better equipped to handle moments of intensity than their clients and are not the first ones to pull away. Usually it is the client who can't tolerate the intensity. I am wondering why he chooses moments of intensity to make jests instead of sitting in the intensity with you. It might make it easier for you to tolerate the intensity if you have him there with you. Just something that struck me as unusual about what you wrote.

In general, I find that the more I think about what a person might have meant or implied, the further I stray from what was their true intention. So it's best if I don't ponder too much what T might have meant, but just save myself some trouble, and ask him the next time I see him. Hearing a person explain what they really meant can help us not misinterpret the next time they say something that sets us wondering.

t said something last session about me being "tough as nails" and then when i said it back, it was like he got perturbed. and to me, he yelled "I was just joking".... it just didn't feel like a joke to me

when my kids were little and playing and one would get his feelings hurt, I would try to explain to both of them, "it isn't a joke unless two people are laughing".... meaning we shouldn't make a joke at someone elses expense.

i would definitely discuss this with t.

sending safe hugs

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I hope she can give me some concrete tips on how to do that.

Sky I know it didn't work out with the session today if or when you do talk to her about this I'd love to hear if she gives you concrete tips though!

Originally Posted by childofyen

Oh yeah, I do it all the time. I can even turn it around when she tells me she likes me. I'm out of my mind.
In my last session T asked me what TV show triggered me.. I didn't want to tell her that it was HBO's In Therapy because I didn't want to admit how obsessed I was while she was on vacation. Anyway, when she asked me what show I was watching I said "Don't worry about it. It's not relevant." Not five minutes later she used that line on me when I asked her what she thought was causing my symptoms! Friggin hilarious... she was teasing me and mirroring me. At the time I think I just laughed said "Well played.." but after the session I began to obsess about whether or not she was being spiteful. I've decided to assume that she was being playful, but have also noted that perhaps my comment was a little more dismissive than was necessary. I don't know if my T does these things intentionally to provoke thought, but frankly I don't want to ask... I'd rather believe that she's just that crafty.

COY yes exactly! even if it's something positive I can twist it I think from what you said it could be a mix of genuine playfulness and also therapeutic skill to see what you do with it

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

Sometimes my T will repeat things back to me to check in with me and see if she has understood me. When she teases me, though, it's never about any serious issue I am working on. I would try to talk to your T about the teasing and see what he says.

How do you go with when she repeats things back to you? and thanks

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Sky I know it didn't work out with the session today if or when you do talk to her about this I'd love to hear if she gives you concrete tips though!

Right now the air is out of the balloon. I just don't feel the enthusiasm to work on it with her. It's so hard. That may change by next session, I don't know. Sorry

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Right now the air is out of the balloon. I just don't feel the enthusiasm to work on it with her. It's so hard. That may change by next session, I don't know. Sorry

Understandable

[pachyderm]

The brain is wired to make instant decisions, based on comparing something that is happening now with what you remember happening in the past, in order to decide whether it is a threat. So you have a hard time not reacting now the same way you did in the past -- you have a hard time slowing your need for an instant reaction so that you can more thoughtfully examine if now is different from the past. You tend to see the same thing as you did before.

My thoughts, anyway...

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Yeah I get like this too, part of me loves joking around but I always wonder if that's what people really mean!! My brain won't shut up!! I suppose therapy is the one place where you really need to say those things out loud for it to work, though. Maybe you could ask if that is what he meant.

Thanks .. I've done that before sometimes with asking and I do know it's reflecting back or teasing most of the time; my head just doesn't leave it there and manages to twist words easily

Originally Posted by REEG

Timely post! My T made a comment last week that was helpful at the time "you don't need to make a parade about it unles you want to" and I went down the road of turning it back on me and obessing about it. Familiar problem!

What was new this time was that for whatever reason I was able to say to myself "Hmmm that wasn't the spirit she meant that in. You can take it that way if you want but will it be helpful?" So it can change.. I think the awareness that you are "using T's word against you" is a great start!

Great job on thinking it through and seeing where what was said wasn't meant in the way you had started to take it; I need to now get from knowing to doing something with the knowledge like you did

Originally Posted by hankster

He never teases me, and he always looked so hurt when I teased him, I think he has broken me of this unconscious habit, now that you mention it. Do I use that word (unconscious) wrong?

I think unconcious or subconcious would work? so you don't tease him anymore now?

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

P.S. I am totally psyched out right now by that whole comment about my whole, sensitivity holding me back in life comment from T. It is like poison in my brain right now, I don't know how else to describe it. It is really not helping. I should be so excited about going on a second date with a nice guy tomorrow.. really, really nice.. right now my brain is tearing itself to bits trying to figure out how if I am somehow too judgmental, or too quiet, or in fact too sensitive and am somehow going to screw it up.

Add: yes I am very sensitive to abandonment, always want to know what went wrong and if it was my fault, guess that kind of proves T's point.

I totally understand the being sensitive to abandonment and the poison in the brain

[Wren_]

Thanks Sunrise, and ... I'm not sure I think the teasing is an essential part of the therapeutic relationship between us. Not sure how it became that but it does seem to be and if he didn't do that, I think things would become strained and feel really weird. Lightening things ... I think it's done for my benefit; and for different reasons. Sometimes as part of desentising, sometimes to break through to wherever it is I disappear; often it works, sometimes it doesn't. Then my head starts thinking too much later and that's where problems can arise; even yesterday someone told me I over think things - no surprise there!

Thanks jpmomg Were you able to tell your T that it didn't feel like a joke with the tough as nails comment?

Originally Posted by pachyderm

The brain is wired to make instant decisions, based on comparing something that is happening now with what you remember happening in the past, in order to decide whether it is a threat. So you have a hard time not reacting now the same way you did in the past -- you have a hard time slowing your need for an instant reaction so that you can more thoughtfully examine if now is different from the past. You tend to see the same thing as you did before.

My thoughts, anyway...

That makes so much sense ... I need my brain rewired basically!

[unaluna]

Tigergirl: Good question. The last time I did "tease" him, I shot off some very snippy remarks about our rupture (this site should be called hernia repair dot com) and was for a change aware of the hostility behind my remarks, which was good, but uncomfortable. I apologized, he said he hadn't noticed. Then I say liar liar pants on fire and he jumps. This is why I "love" him, as skysblue mentioned, this ability to be playful yet serious.

[mixedup_emotions]

My T and I tend to get very witty with each other....we are a good match that way. There are times when he uses my words against me - and I usually understand where he's coming from or what he's getting at...so it's not much of an issue. It's definitely worth addressing if feelings are coming up for you about it.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I need my brain rewired basically!

Psychotherapy can actually help do that...

[SoupDragon]

My T laughed at me once - don't think T meant to be horrible, or realise exactly how sensitive I am to being teased, but it really hurt. Took me a few weeks to raise it (could only do it by e-mail) T was so sorry and actually I think me raising it was a good thing at that point as I do think it led to me letting down my barriers slightly in that T listended, acknowledged and hasn't done the same laughing thing since.

For me it is the bit about them being human and that the only way they can gain their experience and build on their skills is through work with clients and therefore they can all make mistakes - I've read somewhere recently that the difference between T and your parents is not that T's don't make mistakes, but it is what they do after the mistake that is important.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by hankster

Tigergirl: Good question. The last time I did "tease" him, I shot off some very snippy remarks about our rupture (this site should be called hernia repair dot com) and was for a change aware of the hostility behind my remarks, which was good, but uncomfortable. I apologized, he said he hadn't noticed. Then I say liar liar pants on fire and he jumps. This is why I "love" him, as skysblue mentioned, this ability to be playful yet serious.

that's wonderful that he can be playful like that, and that you are becoming more aware of things

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T and I tend to get very witty with each other....we are a good match that way. There are times when he uses my words against me - and I usually understand where he's coming from or what he's getting at...so it's not much of an issue. It's definitely worth addressing if feelings are coming up for you about it.

thanks mue it's great just reading about others relationships with their T's and seeing where wit does work well; also makes me think (again) I need to remember the truth of where things are coming from

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Psychotherapy can actually help do that...

Good!!!!

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My T laughed at me once - don't think T meant to be horrible, or realise exactly how sensitive I am to being teased, but it really hurt. Took me a few weeks to raise it (could only do it by e-mail) T was so sorry and actually I think me raising it was a good thing at that point as I do think it led to me letting down my barriers slightly in that T listended, acknowledged and hasn't done the same laughing thing since.

For me it is the bit about them being human and that the only way they can gain their experience and build on their skills is through work with clients and therefore they can all make mistakes - I've read somewhere recently that the difference between T and your parents is not that T's don't make mistakes, but it is what they do after the mistake that is important.

I'm glad you were able to raise it and that it helped ... and I like that you shared about what they do with mistakes