[mixedup_emotions]

I've talked to my T about my relationship with a very good friend of mine - someone I see and talk to almost daily. As much as I love her and enjoy her, I hate walking on eggshells around her.

T has told me that I need to address this with her, and that I allow people to mistreat me for a long time before reaching my limit. I have a session with T tomorrow, and I really don't want to have to spend my session taking about her when I have other things that I need to address - even though I know that it's important too.

She rarely lets me get a word in discussions....always "knows everything"....takes everything personally....makes everything about her...snaps and treats people like dirt and then chastises them for reacting to her....acts like a martyr to gain attention...minimizes others and dismisses their feelings - yet reacts explosively and defensively whenever hearing anything remotely negative towards her or misinterprets it as such....She is incredibly needy and demanding....acts out when she doesn't get what she wants....expects a lot from me (like expecting me to go to her house every single day - and on the days when she KNOWS I'm not available, there's magically a "crisis" so she tries to get me to come over), seems to resent my daughter. The list is long....

It is SO hard to talk to her. SO hard. However, it's affecting our friendship, so I need to address it....Her husband and children are also suffering tremendously by her behavior....As much as I love spending time with her - we laugh, shop, do crafts together...I HAVE to do something about this.

I suspect that she has BPD....and am hopeful that some of you who have BPD or have family with BPD, that you can help provide me with some insight as to how to address this with her in an effective way....T tells me that I need to set boundaries - and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that if she doesn't change, I will have to limit my exposure to her. I KNOW that won't go over well and am hopeful that there is a more delicate way to put it...

[Wren_]

I wish I had an easy answer for you on this. My guess is whatever you do, it probably won't go that well because your friend won't be able to hear it (accept it) and may not even understand the ideas of boundaries and limitations. Very hard for anyone to hear and also harder again if it's someone you've known for some time and haven't said any of this to before Has your T given you some practical suggestions of how to approach this conversation; I know you don't want to take up more session time but maybe it's something you do need to walk through again with T before talking to your friend

[skysblue]

One of the main topics with which I work in therapy is an unhealthy dynamic between a friend and myself. T has called our relationship co-dependent. T asks me what I get out of the friendship. What is the draw? What is the pull? Why do I have so little power or control over it?

Things have changed dramatically the past few months as I've been more clear to myself what I want and I have been able to communicate that to my friend. Of course, it has not gone over well and she has been very confrontational to me and accused me of being all kinds of bad things. It has been very very rocky but I find myself getting stronger all the time with T's help.

There is a risk of losing the friendship once new boundaries are put in place but knowing yourself better and what you want, I think, is worth it. At least that has been my experience. There was/is a lot of fear involved and me & T have explored from where that originates.

It is quite telling the symbolism inherent in these kinds of dysfunctional relationships. I've discovered, with T's help, that they, (yep, you've got it) come from childhood.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the feedback.

I am so proud of myself, because I finally confronted her - at least a little bit - a little while ago. It was an innocent topic about a craft project she was working on....and got defensive and snippy when I mentioned something....At first, I just shut down. I felt that tightness in my stomach and knew it was an opportunity to address it.

But it passed.....

Then the opportunity arose again...and I said something!

I told her that she didn't need to get defensive and snap at me...She said she wasn't getting defensive - and then said, "What is going on with you???" (because I was vocalizing my reactions as opposed to backing down and staying silent, allowing her to be powerful over me.)

I told her that I shut down because she snapped at me. She said she was sorry - but that friends should accept friends even when they're in a bad mood. I said that I don't agree with that. I don't like getting snapped at and that it doesn't feel good. That was the end of the discussion. Whew. I hope she takes it in and realizes how I feel.

Most importantly, I hope I learn to have the courage to continue to defend myself against being mistreated.

I know this stems from my childhood as well....and it's a pattern I've exhibited for much of my life...including my 15 year marriage that ended 2 years ago...T and I talked about that in my last session. He is trying to get me to get in touch with those feelings so I can progress towards healthier relationships. I do know that I tend to feel a certain way....and then find all the reasons why I care about the relationship, the benefits, etc. - in order to dismiss and minimize the mistreatment. I have to work on that in order to ensure that I move in a healthier direction.

[Wren_]

well done for speaking up and saying something to her proud of you also

Good for you for confronting her, MUE I *know* how hard it is.

T told me once that as I changed in therapy, my relationships would change...and he was so right. Before, I honestly couldn't recognize if I wasn't being treated well...but I've slowly started to be able to recognize it, and respond to it.

I had a "friend" who was very much like the one you're describing. She was usually nice to me, but was very angry and judgmental about other people. As strange as it may sound, this person was my best friend. I taught science to her boys once a week (and kept them at my house all day while she worked), drove her boys all over town, helped her clean out her cluttered house many times...but it was all so one-sided. H kept pointing that out to me, but I couldn't *see* it.

I stood up for something I believed in around Christmas, and since then, she has completely dumped me, basically without a word, and has worked to turn other people against me. I go back and forth between acceptance and hurt feelings...although, really, I don't think she is the sort of "friend" I want in my life anymore.

I've started focusing on, and spending my time with, other friends. They are friends who have always been on the "outskirts" of my circle of friends...we've always been friends, but not close. Maybe because they are so kind, and there is no drama with them. I don't feel like I need to "set boundaries" at all, because the relationships are just normal and healthy. I've realized that THAT is the sort of person I want in my life now.

I really, really think that there is a painful period of transition when we realize that we don't want to be treated badly anymore, and we start standing up for ourselves. I know for me, the backlash was painful, but I really believe that in the end, the result will be worth it.

You deserve peace and kindness, MUE. I'm glad that you are maybe starting to see a glimmer of that truth, and working to make it happen for yourself.

[granite1]

WOW MUE congrats i bet saying something was so frightning for you.was your friend able to accept what you had to say.i think what you said to her was perfect.and good for you.you go girl

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone....

It's ironic how I have other friendships that seem much healthier, but I don't care for them as much as I do for her. We have so many of the same interests - make jewelry together, paint together, watch the same shows, shop at the same stores....and she's very caring and generous.

But the negatives are so so so strong as well. I feel so sad at the idea of losing her friendship as a result of becoming healthier. I really hope that our relationship will be one that can be salvaged by setting boundaries and having clear expectations. I am not sure she will be willing or able....but I do know that it's something I want to work towards....although am scared to.

I also find myself feeling angry at myself for feeling "scared" and walking on eggshells. She is a FRIEND. Someone I CHOOSE to have in my life. It's just so wrong.

[skeksi]

MUE, it's awesome that you were able to speak up! It doesn't surprise me that she responded by asking what was wrong with you--she detected immediately that something was different about you (you were standing up for yourself). I hope that she is able to think about what you said and respond with an apology and changed behavior, in time.

If not--you are learning to defend yourself, and that is a great gift to yourself.

[Sannah]

You found the perfect way to approach this MUE! Addressing things as they come up is SO PERFECT!!!!!!!! Keep it up! I think that she did hear you and I also think that she will continue to hear you.

I grew up getting pushed around because I wouldn't stand up for myself and later I realized that I got pushed around because I wouldn't stand up for myself. I realized that it isn't anyone else's job to stand up for me but mine and if I choose to not stand up for myself then I will be mistreated by some people. I found that most people, if not all, respond to boundaries. "You get treated the way you allow people to treat you". (Of course this doesn't apply to children vs. authority figures).