[granite1]

this is a letter i wrote to my T about some of the stuff she talked about in session last Monday. it is long so dont feel you really need to read it.i just wanted to get all this out of my head i dont even klnow if i will share it with her
it will sound strange because we have put colors to describe differnt parts of me i know strange but it works for me

8/16/11
Dear T,
I hope it is ok if I share some thoughts about the last session. I kept waking up all night with all this mess running through my head .I have a huge need to defend the part of me that we call RED.I think you see this part of me as some kind of monster that needs to be destroyed and this just isn’t true. I swear most times it is the part of me that we call pink that needs to be squashed out of existence. My head is screaming about all of this. It isn’t the part that is red that is bad it is pink. The part of me that is pink doesn’t allow me to cope with life. It is full of fear, anger, horrible memories, is selfish, spoiled, demanding and out of control. If you don’t think this part of me is strong you are so wrong. I see it in me every single day and it is completely pathetic and dangerous.
Now let’s look at red. This is the part of me that keeps me safe. Without this part everything would be total chaos. People would be hurt including me. This part knows that actions have consequences and the power of cause and effect. If you say stupid things people think you are stupid. When you do bad things, bad things happen.etc… Not only does it keep me safe it also keeps the people I care about safe for the most part. It keeps you safe. Although these beliefs tend to expand through most parts of my life it is probably easiest to understand them through the interactions between you and I. Remember when you talked about me needing to keep B a good person in my mind? It is the same for you. It isn’t the part of me that is pink that keeps you good it is the part that is red. If you ever did something slightly wrong the part that is pink would be horribly devastated (SO PATHETIC) so it is the part that is red that doesn’t even allow for the possibility of you to even make the smallest mistake. If I don’t say things that can hurt me you can’t hurt me. It doesn’t seem like I am explaining this well but I am trying. The part of me that is red knows that trust and expectations leads to disappointment and this leads to hurt anger and the part that is pink to be in control and complete chaos.
Example- one time you came downstairs to get me but for some reason you let me go upstairs first. I hated this. I can guarantee that the part that was pink was completely in charge. Nothing was the same, nothing seemed right. It didn’t feel safe and neither did you. I swear the room didn’t even look the same. You seemed so cold and hard. I could hardly move. I remember the week before sitting on the floor and drawing .I liked it, it felt good and safe. This day you asked the same thing if I wanted to sit on the floor and draw so I did but instead my head was filled with horrible thoughts. Now sitting on the floor was no longer safe that room wasn’t, nothing was right, total chaos. It took everything I had to come back the next week and it was the part that is red that made it possible to return. The trust I have that that part isn’t going to let that happen again. Isn’t going to let you be bad.
You see red isn’t the monster at all. It is the part that allows me to go to work, therapy and whatever I need to do without feeling like the world is going to annihilate me. It also keeps the part of me that is pink from acting like an idiot, hurting others, or hurting myself. I don’t see how any of this can be all that bad.if you look at both sides it is the part that is pink that causes all the problems and need to be squashed ,not the part that is read. Sorry for rambling on and on .i guess I can go on and on around in circles about this but in the end it is what is is.
Sorry so long
granite
thanks if you accually got through this novel

[SoupDragon]

Wow what a powerful letter - I can so get how you can section of the different bits of you and give them colours and can see how the red bit is so important in keeping everything together right now. I am interested in who choose the different colours for these bits, the colour red to me seems really powerful and pink gentle, but it seems you are reversing this when you are using them to label these bits of you.

Hope you are able to share this letter with your T. SD

[FourRedheads]

Wow--what a powerful letter. I hope you will be able to show this to your T! I wish I could say more--I'm not good with words. You have _so much_ to say and you are worthwhile!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Wow what a powerful letter - I can so get how you can section of the different bits of you and give them colours and can see how the red bit is so important in keeping everything together right now. I am interested in who choose the different colours for these bits, the colour red to me seems really powerful and pink gentle, but it seems you are reversing this when you are using them to label these bits of you.

Hope you are able to share this letter with your T. SD

i thought the same thing as i was writing this and had to think back to how the colors came about
T was talking about the part of me that doesn't allow me to speak most of the time.she talked about that a lot .one day we were on the floor playing a simple board game and we assigned different parts of me to the different colored pieces to represent the battle that goes on in me red was the one who doesn't let me talk the protector.the part that didn't talk that seems small and pathetic was pink.
maybe someday we will be able to come up with a part that is purple.who has hope and strength and confidence

[childofyen]

I thought you explained yourself very well in your letter, Granite. I get the sense that you have a very keen awareness of your internal struggle. In fact, I never thought of it like that before, but after reading your letter it occurs to me that I have similar struggles. As far as the colors go... I think I can understand that too... Red is strong, it is bold. Pink is toned down, it's colors mixed so it seems more tame. It would make sense to have a strong guardian to care for the parts that need/want protecting. I do think you have a purple, though. You show that part when you continue therapy even though you're scared, and when you share things here with us, and when you practice talking. It takes hope, strength and courage to do all of those things!

[2or3things]

I think it's really important to honor the part of us that protects ourselves. It's especially important when we grew up in families or have had other experiences where we should have been protected or been allowed to protect ourselves but it didn't work out that way. So I can see why you feel so strongly allied with your red parts. And the way you describe them, I think I have my own red parts too.

But I wonder...while it's always true that we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves, where's the line between self-protection and over-protection (or something like that--I'm not coming up with the right description)? I mean, once we learn these behaviors that "don't allow" other people to "be bad," etc., they're really hard to undo. And it's hard to be selective when we experience all sorts of threats as equivalent. So, for example, my mother was neglectful and detached in all sorts of unhealthy ways and didn't take care of me. But now I've come to expect the same of my T. Only T isn't the same person, but I'm not letting myself have the experience of her as safe because I'm assuming it'll be the same as it was in childhood. And even if T did do something by mistake that wasn't entirely safe, she's still not the same person, and we might still be able to repair the relationship in ways that ultimately promoted health and connection. But unless I relax the red, I'm just not going to allow for that opportunity.

I wouldn't say the red is a "monster" (and I'm guessing your T wouldn't either). But even people and actions meant for protection don't always serve us only well.

Just my 2 cents. But does that help at all, Granite?

--2or3

[Asiablue]

I love how you use colours as an analogy of your different parts. It seems to me that pink seems like the trouble maker because it is them most vulnerable part. Your therapist sees Red and the problem because it's the one holding up the big protective (possibly dysfunctional) barriers. But you see that Pink is the source of problems. If Pink wasn't Pink and was actually Purple, then Red would have no job and would have to leave.

Your therapist may be finding it difficult to get passed Red, she want to heal pink so that it can evolve in to Purple. Red is stopping her for accessing pink and that is problematic for her. Pink isnt bad it just needs to be healed and for that to happen, maybe Red needs to become less red (maybe coral or dark pink )

Hope i got that right? xxx

[Sannah]

What excellent insight granite! I really hope that you show T that letter.

[skysblue]

Granite - please please let your T read that letter. It will help her help you better. You have amazing insight.

[delicatefade26]

Ditto what everyone else has said...I think this should be read to your T-it will definitely open up a lot of areas and allow her to help ya : ) thanks for sharing

The letter is amazing. Please share it with T if you can. It would open up a lot of discussion about the parts you feel. Red and Pink are both very strong, active 'parts' inside that need time and space in therapy to process 'their role'. Even tho Pink stirs up some things, Pink is still a part of you, and Pink likely needs a place to work out why there are those behaviors. Even though each piece has their consequence, they are vitally important. I hope that both can have attention and nurturing from T.

(((safe hugs to granite)))

[Butterflies Are Free]

I like how you used colors for feelings and hope you will share your letter with your T.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I thought you explained yourself very well in your letter, Granite. I get the sense that you have a very keen awareness of your internal struggle. In fact, I never thought of it like that before, but after reading your letter it occurs to me that I have similar struggles. As far as the colors go... I think I can understand that too... Red is strong, it is bold. Pink is toned down, it's colors mixed so it seems more tame. It would make sense to have a strong guardian to care for the parts that need/want protecting. I do think you have a purple, though. You show that part when you continue therapy even though you're scared, and when you share things here with us, and when you practice talking. It takes hope, strength and courage to do all of those things!

thanks COY i sometimes think what people see as hope and courage is actually total fear

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks COY i sometimes think what people see as hope and courage is actually total fear

Well... sometimes I feel so consumed by my fear that I don't give myself credit for the courage it takes to get through it. But in retrospect, I do get through it. And I hope one day I will feel the courage, not just walk it. And I hope the same for you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I think it's really important to honor the part of us that protects ourselves. It's especially important when we grew up in families or have had other experiences where we should have been protected or been allowed to protect ourselves but it didn't work out that way. So I can see why you feel so strongly allied with your red parts. And the way you describe them, I think I have my own red parts too.

But I wonder...while it's always true that we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves, where's the line between self-protection and over-protection (or something like that--I'm not coming up with the right description)? I mean, once we learn these behaviors that "don't allow" other people to "be bad," etc., they're really hard to undo. And it's hard to be selective when we experience all sorts of threats as equivalent. So, for example, my mother was neglectful and detached in all sorts of unhealthy ways and didn't take care of me. But now I've come to expect the same of my T. Only T isn't the same person, but I'm not letting myself have the experience of her as safe because I'm assuming it'll be the same as it was in childhood. And even if T did do something by mistake that wasn't entirely safe, she's still not the same person, and we might still be able to repair the relationship in ways that ultimately promoted health and connection. But unless I relax the red, I'm just not going to allow for that opportunity.

I wouldn't say the red is a "monster" (and I'm guessing your T wouldn't either). But even people and actions meant for protection don't always serve us only well.

Just my 2 cents. But does that help at all, Granite?

--2or3

2 or3 i am so sorry to hear what you went through with your mother..(huggs)i think i know exactally what you are saying about applying this way of thinkinng to all situations and i try not to do it but it isnt easy at all and especially around my T

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I love how you use colours as an analogy of your different parts. It seems to me that pink seems like the trouble maker because it is them most vulnerable part. Your therapist sees Red and the problem because it's the one holding up the big protective (possibly dysfunctional) barriers. But you see that Pink is the source of problems. If Pink wasn't Pink and was actually Purple, then Red would have no job and would have to leave.

Your therapist may be finding it difficult to get passed Red, she want to heal pink so that it can evolve in to Purple. Red is stopping her for accessing pink and that is problematic for her. Pink isnt bad it just needs to be healed and for that to happen, maybe Red needs to become less red (maybe coral or dark pink )

Hope i got that right? xxx

wow ASIABLUE.my T was trying to say that the part that is red is to strong i wonder if this is why she says this.
it may be she wants to get around all the barriers red has put up but she know nothing of all the mess that the part that is pink causes.cause and effect.i am terrified she could never handle it.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What excellent insight granite! I really hope that you show T that letter.

sannah i am so going to try but it does scare me.a big part of me is so against it for so many reasons. but i guess it comes down to i'm scared

Originally Posted by skysblue

Granite - please please let your T read that letter. It will help her help you better. You have amazing insight.

i am going to try.i will bring it woth me

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Ditto what everyone else has said...I think this should be read to your T-it will definitely open up a lot of areas and allow her to help ya : ) thanks for sharing

i dont think i would ever be able to read it to her but i might be able to give it to her to read and hopefully i will be able to talk about it

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

The letter is amazing. Please share it with T if you can. It would open up a lot of discussion about the parts you feel. Red and Pink are both very strong, active 'parts' inside that need time and space in therapy to process 'their role'. Even tho Pink stirs up some things, Pink is still a part of you, and Pink likely needs a place to work out why there are those behaviors. Even though each piece has their consequence, they are vitally important. I hope that both can have attention and nurturing from T.

(((safe hugs to granite)))

i am so sure thie part that is pink would totally soak up any attention it could get i am terrified it is like opening pandoras box.or like letting my T play with fire without her knowing how badly she could get burned.i am not so scared of the part of me that is red but am totally terrified of the part of me that is pink

[rainbow_rose]

That is an AWESOME letter, granite. I wish I could be that articulate about what's going on inside me.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am so sure thie part that is pink would totally soak up any attention it could get i am terrified it is like opening pandoras box.or like letting my T play with fire without her knowing how badly she could get burned.i am not so scared of the part of me that is red but am totally terrified of the part of me that is pink

That's because the part that is pink is the most vulnerable, it contains all your hurts, all your secrets and the essence of your soul. That's why it's so scary and feels like the biggest risk to show.

I totally "get" the opening of pandoras box, i feel this way too.

[rainbow8]

granite, like everyone else has been saying, your letter is amazing and your T would learn a lot about you by reading it. I love the way you described yourself with colors. I'm not sure about red vs pink; I have to really study your letter again to comment, but I wanted you to know I think your insights are great, and I don't think you should be afraid to show it to your T.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite, like everyone else has been saying, your letter is amazing and your T would learn a lot about you by reading it. I love the way you described yourself with colors. I'm not sure about red vs pink; I have to really study your letter again to comment, but I wanted you to know I think your insights are great, and I don't think you should be afraid to show it to your T.

i cant take credit for the color thig that was my T's idea.the colors were the colors of game pieces.it really did help me wrap my brain around the idea that i have differnt parts of me and that these things are happening inside in a way that i could understand

[granite1]

i printed out my letter and now hope i will have enough guts to share it with her.i know if she wont read it i wont be able to

[Wren_]

You did so well!